The Cultural Movement That’s Destroying Dating For Everyone

January 14th, 2015 by Nick Notas 45 Comments

Anti Flirt Club

A client recently told me, “I’m scared, Nick. I’m scared that if I say ‘Hi’ to a new girl I’ll be a labeled as a predator.”

“C’mon man, that’s not going to happen.” I replied.

“Really? One of my female friends said that if a random guy even smiles at her, it’s sexual assault.”

I was speechless! But mostly, I was angry.

There’s a rapidly growing culture that promotes safe sex, consent, and healthier relationships for women. It seeks to empower women and I’m all for it.

However, this message is being misinterpreted and taken to extremes. It unintentionally condones complete female control while subtly shaming men for their natural sexual desires.

It’s really becoming an anti-flirting movement. 

And both men and women are perpetuating it and suffering because of it.

If we don’t put a stop to this school of thought, I worry it’ll be the death of healthy relationships.

Predator shame and endless romantic frustration

Most of the men I work with struggle to express their sexual interest.

They didn’t have a strong male role model growing up. Their parents weren’t affectionate. Religion told them sex was dirty. They’ve been raised to believe showing their romantic intentions (flirting) is wrong.

Just like women deal with slut shame, men deal with predator shame. It’s the idea that pursuing a woman romantically is somehow wrong.

This is so deeply ingrained that some men can’t introduce themselves to women. They don’t ever ask for a number. Hell, they won’t even make eye contact with someone they like. They’re terrified of being a creep or weirdo.

It doesn’t help that their worries are now being reinforced in adulthood.

Viral articles put men down for learning to be more confident and meet women. I watched a reporter on CNN state that 50% of college men would rape women if they had the chance, while claiming she “forgot the source”.

And girls give their guy friends dating advice like, “Women don’t want guys approaching them in public. Don’t hit on a girl out of the blue, that’s creepy. Just be her friend first.”

You know what happens to these guys?

They struggle to connect with women on an intimate level. They rarely have romantic partners. They don’t gain experience to become more confident men and better partners.

How predator shame hurts all of us

I don’t think a lot of women realize how much this predator shame hurts them as well.

Some women think, “So what if men can’t flirt when they want to? We’re the ones who have to deal with sexual harassment and assault.”

This trivializes a very serious issue. It may not be as easy to see but these men are in pain, too. 

When shamed, men cannot express themselves in a healthy manner. They become isolated, depressed, and resentful. Then those same guys watch other men who are assertive and do flirt experience lots of romantic success.

At first they usually blame the “players” who flirt, but eventually they start to hate women. They’re stuck trying to be the “good guy” and yet they’re the ones losing out.

Because of their lack of romantic connections, they become desperate. When they do have a rare romantic opportunity, they’re obsessed with keeping that one girl. They’re convinced that they will never get another chance.

So what happens when these men get rejected? They can’t handle it. 

They will stop at nothing to convince a woman to stay — sometimes through guilt, manipulation, intimidation, or even violence.

Conversely, men who accept their desires and fulfill their romantic needs are inevitably happier and healthier with women. Rejections don’t permanently crush them because they know they can have future sexual connections. They don’t despise a woman for not wanting them.

Perhaps the worst thing about predator shaming is that we’re teaching the new generation of women to hate and fear men. We’re telling them that all men just want sex and will do anything to get it.

Men have to be the pursuers to attract women

What anti-flirting proponents don’t understand is that in most heterosexual relationships, men have to take the active role in flirting. They have to take the lead and initiate.

This isn’t me spouting misogynistic values, this is courtship. It’s biology. It’s the basis of most romance novels. Studies constantly back it up, too — a quick touch when asking for a number doubles a man’s chances of getting it!

You don’t even need to go that far. Look around and you’ll see that men who are more flirtatious and forward attract more women.

During my college speeches, I ask women to raise their hands if they prefer to take the lead with flirting. That could be to approach a guy or ask for his number. Every time, almost no woman raises her hand. (And if you’re a woman who wants to take the lead — more power to you.)

So telling men not to flirt is the wrong advice! It goes against what women respond to and what works. Anything else is setting men up for consistent failure.

Men have to create attraction through flirting. I’ve watched hundreds of situations where a woman wasn’t initially interested in a man. But then he shows his playful, flirtatious side and she begins to develop those feelings.

Bad flirting experiences shouldn’t ruin all flirting

I understand that women have had bad experiences with flirting and the opposite sex in general.

They’ve been approached by an overly handsy guy at the bar. They’ve watched videos of women getting endlessly cat-called by men on the street. They’ve heard pickup artists preach fucked-up tactics. They’ve received vulgar sexual texts and private messages online.

They’ve had a guy staring at them for hours at the library. They’ve had guys who can’t look away from their chest during conversation.

The list goes on. It’s terrible and no one should have to endure that.

But all that is bad flirting. Those guys were inexperienced, socially awkward, or just had bad intentions. 

You shouldn’t demonize flirting because some people went about it the wrong way.

Because there are endless positive flirting stories out there. I’ve helped hundreds of strangers make great connections myself. And how do you think I met my girlfriend?

If you’re a woman reading this, think:

Have you ever felt flattered when a cute guy made eye contact with you at a coffee shop / bar / party?

Have you ever felt butterflies when a new guy introduced himself to you?

In these situations, you enjoyed being flirted with. Right?

Or hypothetically, if your celebrity crush walked up to you, smiled, touched your shoulder, and said hi – wouldn’t be you happy about it?

These examples prove that we have or can have fun, exciting flirting experiences. 

That’s why I don’t believe most anti-flirting proponents are actually anti-flirting. They’re anti-bad flirting. They’ve had negative reference experiences and want to avoid future conflicts.

However, problems arise when women try to assume total control of who can and can’t flirt with them. Because then even when a guy flirts politely, if they don’t find him attractive, they immediately associate him with their negative experiences. So any guy who even tries ANYTHING is automatically a “creep“.

How else are guys supposed to meet new girls, and see if they’re compatible? They aren’t mind readers, and the only way they can find out whether or not someone’s interested is to take a chance.

So, women: you can’t declare that all flirting is bad because some people go about it the wrong way or you’re unattracted to them. That’s ignorant, unrealistic, and just not fair.

A new flirting movement

Instead, we should be teaching men and women good flirting to create more positive experiences.

So I propose a new movement. Just like the sex positive movement, we need a flirt positive movement.

There are 3 simple rules…

  1. Lightly flirt to gauge a woman’s interest by either: 
    a) Making eye contact and smiling at them.
    b) Saying hello and introducing yourself.
    c) Creating light physical contact (shoulder or arm).
    d) Giving a genuine compliment.
    e) Going for their phone number and inviting them on a date.
  2. Women politely communicate boundaries and reject if not interested.
  3. Men accept women’s reactions with respect and dignity.

This provides the best chance for meaningful romantic connections for everyone. 

Can we all just play nicely? Now kiss. The world needs more happy couples.

So both guys and gals…

What are your good flirting experiences? What connections did they create?

Tweet them at me with the hashtag #FlirtPositive. Let’s show everyone the positive side of flirting. I’ll being sharing my favorite stories all week.

  1. Zach on January 14, 2015

    I spent too many years listening to friends tell me how weird it was to approach women. It got me nowhere. I realized it was their own fears being pushed onto me.

    Last month I saw a girl eating alone at a pizza shop during my lunch break. I said hello and asked if she wanted some company. She said yes and we had a great time together. We’re going on our fourth date this Friday. Follow your heart!

    • Nick Notas on January 14, 2015

      Congrats man! It’s all about putting yourself out there in a polite way.

      If more people did what you did, there would be more fulfilling relationships all around. And if someone’s not interested, you just wish them a good day and walk away — no big deal.

  2. Kristen on January 14, 2015

    I found this extremely insightful. I think it’s easy for girls to just think about flirting from our point of view. Sometimes it’s been inconvenient to have a guy hit on you. But I get you, what else are guys supposed to do?

    • Nick Notas on January 14, 2015

      Thanks Kristen. Here’s to hoping we can make this less inconvenient for everybody.

  3. Justin Attraction on January 14, 2015

    I like the label of “anti-flirting” movement, whereas most guys talking about this just refer to feminists or radical feminists. But yeah, anti-flirting gets more to the point of what it is–discomfort with expressions of sexual or romantic interest.

    However I will say there are 2 main reasons not to get too angry about this.

    First, this is usually just an excuse from guys who don’t want to approach women. I hear it all the time from clients (just heard it again last night): I don’t want her to think I’m weird, or I don’t want to be the creepy guy in the bar, etc.

    It’s obviously bullshit and just represents fear. Then that fear over time gets turned into this notion of an “anti-male” movement among women. When really it’s just the guy being afraid to take the risk. And he is afraid over and over again every time he sees a woman.

    (That’s exactly what happened with your client–instead of looking at the countless women who enjoy flirting, he chose to fixate on that one loony girl and use it as an excuse to not take action.)

    Second is that the women who are really against flirting are a tiny minority. It’s easy to look at the radicals and extremists because they are the loudest and get all the attention. But the vast majority of women have no problem with a guy saying “hi” or calling them beautiful.

    We need to get out of our heads, get out of theory and abstractions, and into the real world where men and women are interacting with each other every day.

    • Nick Notas on January 15, 2015

      Yeah, radical feminists are often proponents but it’s not just them. It’s guys white knighting, TV shows where women mace guys, and even country songs — there’s a new radio song where a dude sings about not wanting to be like all the weird guy who hit on girls.

      It’s definitely an excuse but not without reason. While it’s still a minority of people, it’s growing quickly. It’s not just the loud extremists anymore or “abstractions”. Hell a guy I know last month got banned from a gym when he smiled at her once and she told management.

      • Justin Attraction on January 17, 2015

        But we don’t know what the specifics of that case were. He may say “I just smiled at her!” but that’s only his side of the story. Maybe he was following her, maybe he was always standing too close to her, etc. It’s easy to get carried away and jump to conclusions without the facts.

        Anyway, you could give 10,000 anecdotes, and even if they are all 100% unequivocally true, that would still be negligible compared to the tens of millions of women who are getting hit on and flirted with every day.

        • Jon on March 10, 2016

          “Maybe he was following her, maybe he was always standing too close to her, etc. It’s easy to get carried away and jump to conclusions without the facts.”

          Hypocrite much ? You have just done exactly the same.

          You are right anecdotal evidence is just that, but to ignore it completely as you are suggesting is just idiotic. When we are seeing a society that is becoming so ridiculously politically correct that even comedians can’t joke anymore, where people are becoming so over sensitive and over paranoid that everything offends them, and everything is sexist and everything is misogynistic and every time someone tries to raise these issues someone stands up and tries to dismiss the issue.

          Its pretty clear to me and a incredibly fast growing demographic around the world that that we are going down a path which we shouldn’t be going down.

          We even have courses at college and university like gender studies and women studies courses run by extreme feminists who are brainwashing students with this “all men are predators” nonsense so this problem is only going to get worse.

  4. Venage on January 14, 2015

    At my job, where 90% of workers are women, a woman complained to management about a guy. She said he starts conversations with her. He got brought into the office and I don’t know exactly what happened, but that was an actual complaint.

    A lot of people sidestep this issue, just saying there are radical feminists and radical men’s rights activists, but this article gets into the core of what’s actually happening.

    • Nick Notas on January 15, 2015

      Yeah, that’s a tough situation. Many workplaces have so many policies against inter-office dating now that it can be a dangerous line to walk.

      If he was being very forward or was told off but didn’t take a hint, that can be uncomfortable in that environment. But if he just talking politely and didn’t know better, she should have addressed it with him first.

      Thanks Venage, trying to cut through the BS and ego in the world to have serious discussions.

  5. Andrew on January 14, 2015

    on one of your blog posts, you stated “I wish more women took the initiative, too. But that’s the way courtship has been for thousands of years so you might as well learn to decipher the hints you do get.”, while I do agree with you on that, and plus I think the creation of sexual harassment laws, I read and heard from another Dating Coach, and this Dating Coach is a woman, she says she also feels is a huge factor for men approaching women having become more awkward in this generation

    • Nick Notas on January 15, 2015

      Hey Andrew, I’m not sure what you’re asking. What is a huge factor in men approaching women becoming more awkward? Men having to read signals or having to approach?

      • Andrew on January 15, 2015

        both, I think the rise of technology has affected our social skills a lot

      • Andrew on January 18, 2015

        another thing, even though our past does not dictate our future, it only does if we let it, but do you think the way a guy is raised by his parents, family, his social upbringing by his parents, childhood friends, the socializing he did in elementary and middle school with his peers, socialization, etc., all has a huge impact on how his dating life/sex life is gonna be in his teens and early 20’s, has a huge impact on determining whether or not a guy becomes a late bloomer with women, like not get his first girlfriend or lose his virginity until later than most guys? like over 25 or over 30?

  6. JK on January 14, 2015

    A few problems.

    1) Don’t assume all women are “flattered” by cold approaches. Many, including myself, HATE that. You addressed that assertion that women feel flattered by having random dudes flirt with them when they’re just going about their day, and presumed to answer for women. Well, you don’t. I don’t find that behavior flattering, I find it annoying, at best, if not outright creepy.

    2) Don’t touch strangers. Some people will be OK with it, but a lot of people won’t be. And touching someone without their consent IS assault. No one is claiming that merely introducing yourself to a woman assault, but putting your hand on someone is. Unless I’m already dating someone, I expect them to keep their hands to themselves, like their parents no doubt taught them as kids. If the man I’m with now touched me, it would have KILLED all chances of me even talking to him, let alone dating him.

    3) Don’t give me the crap that men have to pursue women. That’s just crap. Men don’t have to do anything. They choose to. So I’m not going to feel sorry for them as if there is some kind of power imbalance against them. And for another thing, seeing relating to other human beings as pursuit is creepy. And it’s weird that you would choose to use that term while saying that people are unfairly seeing predatory behavior where there is none. If it’s not predatory, than maybe “pursuit” isn’t really the best way to think of things. No one really thinks of making friends that way.

    • Nick Notas on January 15, 2015

      Hey JK, thanks for commenting.

      1. I never implied all women are fans of cold approaches. But I argue that MANY have had good experiences with it or could with the right person.

        Women who are absolutely against it are not the majority. This is from 8 years of experience helping hundreds, if not thousands of connections from cold approaches and discussing it with countless women during speaking engagements.

      2. Highly disagree. It’s all about context. When you’re in a crowded bar and someone nudges you to get past, do you feel it’s assault? Or what about when you’re shoulder to shoulder at a concert? Or someone taps you to get by at Starbucks to go to the bathroom?

        I’m not advocating anything more than the most casual of touch — a quick touch on the shoulder or arm. I respect your view but you are the minority by far. Isn’t it smarter to simply tell the minority who are uncomfortable to voice their boundaries than to tell the majority not to touch?

        Especially when every study for 30+ years backs up the benefits of physical contact. When touched:

        Waitresses get more tips and store owners get more business from customers.

        Women more often give out their numbers during the day and accept more dances.

        People feel more connected to others and will give lost money back. (Plus another 9 touching studies within.)

      3. Sorry but you’re speaking out of insecurity. Men DO have to pursue if they want to find romance. Men who take a passive stance find MUCH less fulfillment in their lives. This is how it works in nearly every mammalian species. Displays of courage, strength, mating dances, you name it.

        Read up on courtship and human relationships for thousands of years. Scientists and professionals often use the word pursue when discussing mating studies in both mammals and humans.

      • Andrew on January 15, 2015

        apparently there is a species of birds, phalaropes in which the females initiate courtship, but since birds are not mammals, and humans are mammals, that is not relevant here

      • Scott on January 18, 2015


        Again if I may chime in here, Women do sometimes approach men and make the first move, but the majority of men don’t get approached by women very often, so if they want real choice in their dating lives they have to take the initiative.

      • Andrew on April 27, 2015

        I just stumbled upon this like a week ago, although i’m not sure if it is truly, completely accurate, I found it on the site eHow, it said something that sometimes a Female Giraffe will go up to a Male Giraffe first, and Giraffes are mammals too, but i’m not sure if it is accurate yet, because maybe eHow is a site that could be edited like wikipedia

  7. Nish on January 14, 2015

    This article is a breath of fresh air. This mindset is something that all men, especially younger guys need to hear. The societal Nice Guy Factory is only churning out exponentially more sexually frustrated dudes every year (including my former self), who genuinely believe that they are creeps for simply finding women sexy. So they turn to porn or worse; they try to become pick up artists, glorifying icy, manipulative, ‘hard to get’ women; and setting a dishonest, and superficial example to the female population about the kind of women that men pursue.

    Love your no bullshit, deep, meaningful posts Nick. There’s not enough well thought out and well-written blogs about helping men find their masculine roots. Right now, your blog is the only one that I look forward to reading every time I get the email.

    I’m starting my own blog about a similar area for men, and I’m lucky to have yours as a template for the quality of content that I’d like to create.

    Cheers Nick,

    • Nick Notas on January 15, 2015

      You have no idea how much I appreciate those words Nish. Thank you for being a loyal reader.

      “glorifying icy, manipulative, ‘hard to get’ women;”

      You said it perfectly. So many guys get believe they have to play games and be an asshole, attracting similar women. Then they get frustrated when they end up in poor connections with low quality people.

      If we all learn to communicate more honestly (both our intentions and boundaries), we’ll all be that much better off.

      • Nish on January 16, 2015

        Yes. Being an asshole is easy because it’s basically about rejecting everyone else before they reject you. There are women who are attracted to this because of their own unresolved issues, but how can any satisfying relationship be built on a foundation of unacceptance?

        Unfortunately the only people who are capable of being honest about their feelings are people who know who they truly are.

        This is because only people who know who they truly are (on a fundamental, spiritual level) understand that they are acceptable just as is, and thus no amount of external rejection has any impact on that internal knowing of their own self.

        People who do not know who they truly are, unfortunately believe themselves to be vulnerable and thus must ‘protect’ themselves from any possible rejection so as to not disturb their fragile ego, which is all it really is.

        Really appreciate what you do to help men find themselves. I was in a difficult place emotionally last year, and I believe you contributed to helping me figure my way out by simply being a role model of what healthy sexual communication looks like. Cheers to that.

  8. JackW on January 15, 2015

    I believe having good intentions and learning from a positive role model makes for a more positive flirtatious interaction for both parties. Men who are raised without a strong positive male role model are taught how they should attract women BY women. This simply doesn’t work.

    If a guy then seeks out information from a PUA coach with a bad attitude towards women, it just creates more of these “creeps” that women complain about. We need more positive role models like you Nick, making the dating world a better place.

    • Nick Notas on January 15, 2015

      Thanks Jack, that means a lot to me.

      A lot of mothers try their best to raise boys the right way but they unintentionally can take it too far. They want them to be “gentleman” but don’t decipher between healthy and unhealthy flirting. Instead they instruct them to be a lot more passive which ends up with future frustration in life.

  9. Eric on January 15, 2015

    Very insightful and well articulated article as usual. Not sure if you pointed this out but if you did I’d like to reiterate, the women (and some men) who push the anti-flirting “movement” are a very small but vocal minority, just like the men who are “creeps.”

    I think it’s important to keep this in mind for two reasons. It’s never fair to discriminate against a group for the actions of a small minority. Just like not all women are promiscuous because a few are, or just like how not all men are creeps because a few are, not all women are anti-flirting and it’s unfair and inaccurate to judge them as such.

    Just as importantly what this means is that most women still want to be flirted with. The right way of course, none of the “bad flirting.” Since most women are not anti-flirting they are not opposed to be flirted with. It just becomes important for us men to gather the courage to do so and to learn to do so in a charming and fun way.

    • Nick Notas on January 15, 2015

      Definitely Eric. Most women are still open to being flirted with the right way with a man they find attractive. Most men want to flirt the right way without bad intentions.

      That’s something we all need to keep in mind and reinforce. Otherwise, that minority will continue to grow and hurt everyone’s future relationships.

  10. Noah on January 15, 2015

    Wow. I almost wish I didn’t read this because it makes me angry. Angry for the guys who have been stuck in their Nice Guy world so desperately wanting to improve, only to have the radical feminists put them down and creep-shame them for being more up-front with girls. As someone who WAS that guy, this pisses me off.

    This is why so many of these nice guys go too far and turn to the typical PUA routines. Instead of working to actively improve themselves, decide they don’t care what society thinks, push themselves, get rejected, and make progress in their dating lives, they turn to the canned, superficial PUA crap because they feel like they need to be “assholes.” Because, after all, assholes are the ones who get laid, right?

    That Jezebel article you posted- I agree with the author’s words that you don’t need a PUA coach to get women, but oh boy does she shame guys for just wanting to improve. She’s making the critical error of equating PUA theory to men who are actively working to improve. They are very different things.

    And I’ve followed her advice before.

    “Just be her friend first.”
    “Don’t cold approach… meet girls through your friends.”
    “Girls HATE being approached by random dudes.”

    She means well, but this advice does. not. work. It gets you NOWHERE, except you miiiiight date this one girl once in a blue moon that may or may not be right for you. Sometimes, you have to just say “fuck society, I want to talk to this girl. If she’s somehow offended by me approaching, that’s her problem.”

    If there’s one age-old lesson to take away from the radical feminists who discourage approaching, being up-front with intentions, etc., it’s this: Listen to women’s actions more so than their words. Because women love being approached and they love being hit on, no matter what some negative article says.

    • Nick Notas on January 16, 2015

      Yeah, it’s unfortunate so many guys turn to fake lines, being assholes, and believing in black-and-white “red pill” theory. They’re often just insecure and misguided by the society which gave them unhelpful advice.

      Yeah, the Jezebel article upset me quite a bit. Even if you don’t need a coach (which is fine), shaming men for wanting to improve themselves is horrible.

      I get it though. A lot of women are worried that if a guy practices learning to be more social/date better it won’t be organic. But it’s just many of those guys never had an opportunity growing up and need that experience. Once they actively practice a bit, it will become natural for them.

      Is it wrong to learn how to do your makeup or dress better to attract someone? Of course not. Would you tell an inexperienced carpenter to just “be himself” and swing the hammer how he does? I hope not.

      I completely agree on actions over words. So many people claim one thing but respond to another. Especially when the right person comes along in the right context, most people can have a great flirting experience.

      Happy to see how far you’ve come Noah. Always love reading your comments.

      • Scott on January 18, 2015

        Hey Guys

        If I may chime in here, I have read some radical feminist articles including the one mentioned above and I’ve noticed a trend that they seem to tell you a lot about what not to do but nothing on what to do, as well as mention a lot of problems but offer no solutions. Then that article above also implies You’re either good with women or you’re not if you don’t have the looks or magnetic charm you have to settle, which is also toxic advice.

        • Mr. Oahu on June 19, 2019

          I totally agree with your last point, Scott. It is toxic advice to say that either you are naturally good at dating/socializing or you’re not, and if you’re not, you have to settle.

      • Mr. Oahu on June 19, 2019

        I found the same issues with the Jezebel article that you did, Nick. I would say that the author’s biggest mistake is that she conflates legitimate, honest dating coaches (like you and some others) with manipulative and misogynistic PUAs. There is a often a world of difference between their approaches. She specifically complains about coaches seeing women as math equations rather than people, when you preach against that very mindset.

        Some other issues I have with the article:

        1. She always recommends therapy as a better option than coaching. While therapy is great and can be very useful in many situations, all you are really doing is talking to a clinician in an office. Many guys need actual hands-on social practice in the real world, which is where a coach comes in. Or a coach can even just give practical, actionable advice that is different from therapy. Therapy is more about the past and the why, and coaching is more about the now and the how. Also, there are many dating coaches who will refer potential clients to therapists if they feel the client would benefit more from therapy. Case in point, the first dating coach I ever worked with once had a client who wouldn’t stop talking about how he was abused as a child, so the coach refunded his money and told him to seek therapy instead. Many therapists also offer dating, life, and career coaching these days. It’s not always an either/or scenario.

        2. I agree with the author when she says that a good way to meet potential dates is to get involved in group activities that you enjoy. What she misses is that any good dating coach would tell their clients to get involved in such activities. Nick makes that point over and over again in his articles, and many other good coaches do the same. The other dating coach I mentioned above advised in one of his videos to figure out what you like to do, and then go somewhere where people are doing it.

    • Do it on March 10, 2016

      “If there’s one age-old lesson to take away from the radical feminists who discourage approaching, being up-front with intentions, etc., it’s this: Listen to women’s actions more so than their words. Because women love being approached and they love being hit on, no matter what some negative article says.”

      Its really bizarre that they suggest not being up front with intentions, and yes, women don’t like to be approached with “hey wanna fuck?”, at least not all of them. I’ve seen hot guys on OKcupid talk to a girl using that line without any building up of relation, and many times it doesn’t but some times it does. Would it work with an ugly guy at all? I doubt it.

      I find it odd that not being up front with intentions (e.g. hiding them) is supposed to be proper and good, but if you just want sex, then why hide it? Why get someone’s hopes up for something more when you’re only interested in something casual? That seems worse, and yet if you ask openly, you’re creepy and disgusting. If you lie by omission, later on you’re a manipulative pig and abuser.

      Never listen to women’s words is probably the most honest thing. They will always find a way to shit on you for your behavior if they don’t like you and women are petty. It doesn’t matter how nice or cruel you are if they don’t like you.

  11. Mark Belden on January 15, 2015

    Good article Nick. Although it does seem like our society has become hyper sensitive to flirting, I think it will fade out quickly.

    Humans have been around for tens of thousands of years and we will continue to flirt, have sex, and be in relationships.

    As you mentioned, I think news has targeted the dating culture lately because of some of the events that have occurred, the NYC cat call video, Julien Blanc, not to mention all of the rape stories that happen on a daily basis.

    I do want to puke every time I read a story about Julien Blanc or hear about how some angry man takes advantage of a woman, but they represent a small minority of men. Most men would NEVER do anything like this. News has latched on to these stories because it gets people scared and makes them money.

    Glad to see you teach guys to be honest be authentic with their relationships with women. Keep it up!

    • Nick Notas on January 16, 2015

      Thanks Mark and I hope so. I mean eventually human nature will sort itself out. But I’ve just seen it get progressively worse over the last 5 years and don’t want to see the trend continue for decades.

      And yup, we have to remember that those examples are far and few between. The media is on this huge kick to demonize men and make women fear them. It’s quite disturbing actually.

  12. Daniel on January 16, 2015

    Nick, this blog post really took guts. I know you’ve told me similar things in our conversations, but seeing it out in the open really makes it hit home. Thanks dude.

    • Nick Notas on January 16, 2015

      Thanks Dan. Sometimes seeing advice in different forms just makes things click. Glad it resonated with bro.

  13. Josh on January 16, 2015

    A lot of my female friends have told me that approaching girls randomly is creepy or weird, especially since I’m only 15. They said if a guy suddenly started talking to them they would think it was creepy and get away or simply not open up. Do you think it’s weird for younger guys like me? I don’t know how else to meet girls so it doesn’t seem like I have many options…

    This only added to my doubt and the voice in the back of my head telling me not to do it. I appreciate all your blogs, Nick.

    • Nick Notas on January 18, 2015

      Hey John, sorry to hear you’ve been told it’s creepy and weird — it’s not. Your age doesn’t matter and the same ideas apply. If you approach politely, there will be many women interested in connecting with you.

      Don’t listen to the naysayers. Focus on being more social and connecting with more women, if that’s what you want. You’ll find a lot more fulfillment that way.

  14. Andrew on January 18, 2015

    Another thing, a lot of you may find this shocking and surprising of me to say this, but in some ways i’m kinda jealous, envious of how women are valued for their youth more than men are, because the fact that women are generally on the receiving end of sexual attention, requests for dating and relationships, while men have to be on the projecting end, as in actively pursue, do the approaching and asking out, initiating/escalating, leading, etc. Even if it is the natural order of things, I can understand that, it’s just that since for the combining reasons that women are valued for their youth more and on the receiving end, it means that women are far less likely, less prone than men are to being late bloomers in the dating/relationship/sex game.

    Yes I know that when you take on the passive role, on the receiving end, it means you are limited in your choices because it means you are not the one literally going after what you want, but since women have loads, tons of options with men in their late teens and throughout their 20’s, the guys that hit on them, approach them, ask them out, a good portion of them are going to be guys in which there is mutual attraction involved, since most women it seems have had their share of ex-boyfriends by the time they are either 25 or 30, or have been in a relationship by then.

    Meanwhile it is not uncommon to hear of guys still being a virgin, not having had a girlfriend yet at 25+ or 30+ years of age, like it seems there are more male late bloomers than female late bloomers, or it’s just men are more vocal about it than women are.

    If men want to have a great dating life/sex life in their teens and 20’s, or just lose their virginity, have their first girlfriend by late teens or early 20’s, he better have great social-skills, conversation-skills, flirting-skills, a big social circle in which he goes out a lot,confidence, high self-esteem, has a lot of social connections, as in he is frequently invited to parties, is very assertive, etc.

    Meanwhile for women, all they have to do is look good and just go out, show up.

    Since guys, men have to be the initiators, escalators, taking the lead, etc. For guys, men, it’s literally a matter of knowing how to get a date, a girlfriend, or sex. For women it’s not a matter of knowing how, since being passive, being a follower does not require any knowledge or skill. For men, getting a date, a girlfriend or getting laid is a matter of skill, for women, getting a date, a boyfriend or sex is not a matter of skill.

    Even if I do fix my issues with women and start being able to get the type of girlfriend I want, have the sex life I want, i’ll probably write in my memoirs when i’m up there in age, like in my 70’s or 80’s, like pass it on to my grandchildren, i’ll name a chapter “stuff I wish I knew and had experienced in my late teens and early 20’s, or just throughout my 20’s”, it will be about how I feel I wasted my 20’s.

    But ya overall, in a nutshell, I just feel it’s easier for women to enjoy their youth than it is for men.

    • Gabriel on January 20, 2015

      I couldn’t agree with you more!

      • Andrew on January 26, 2015

        ya, I still often kick myself for not knowing what I know now about women much earlier

  15. Don on January 19, 2015

    Women tell men not to just approach a random woman and ask for her number, yet they complain that they aren’t meeting any guys. Talk about a double standard!

    I think if you are smart about approaching women, like following the steps you outline, most men will be OK with approaching a woman and the woman won’t take it the wrong way.

    • Nick Notas on February 2, 2015

      Yup. As long as you’re being polite and respecting their responses/boundaries (whatever they may be) — most women are fine with it.

  16. Jon on January 26, 2015

    Very well written and, as always, great advice! Hope this starts to become a thing since it helps both men and women.


Never Blow A First Date Again.