20 Ways to Be More Assertive and Get What You Want

October 25th, 2012 by Nick Notas 15 Comments

Sterling Archer

In my previous article, I shared with you my “selfishness epiphany”. I told you how I once believed going after what I wanted and needed was wrong. And it was only when I realized that making yourself a priority is perfectly healthy that I became a liberated, fulfilled man. Now I want to show you how to get there yourself.

Understand that cannot think your way into becoming an honest man. If you plan on reading this and expect to change immediately, it’s not happening. I’ve tried that route and it doesn’t work — you have to lead with actions and your mindset will follow.

Start applying the examples below today. No more waiting and no more frustration being second place.

  1. Express your sexual intentions and desires with women. Follow my guide to overcoming sexual anxiety.
  2. Politely refuse to help someone when you truly don’t want to or have time to.
  3. Make a decision and choose where you want to take your date/girlfriend on a Friday night. Don’t just flip flop between “Where do you wanna go?” and “I don’t know, you pick.” Be decisive and take the lead.
  4. State your opposing opinion to someone without being confrontational. Hold your ground. “No way, there are plenty of metal songs with good lyrics.” “I disagree, the war on drugs has been a complete failure.”
  5. For every girl you meet and have more than a minute of conversation, ask for her number. Do this regardless of whether or not you think you’ll get a yes.
  6. When you find yourself apologizing, think back over the event and determine if you actually needed to apologize. Many times we say sorry out of habit or insecurity. Consciously stop yourself from unnecessary apologies in the future.
  7. Invite a girl you’ve been texting or chatting with (online dating) to do something that interests you.
  8. If you truly feel overworked and underpaid, ask your boss for a raise. Know there are potential consequences. (Disclaimer: I take no responsibility in what results from this action…unless it’s good.)
  9. Ask a girl for directions to the nearest Barnes and Noble (or wherever you’re going). Chat for a minute and then ask if she’d like to come along with you.
  10. Negotiate a lower price. This can be done at places such as flea markets, yard sales, or outdoor festivals.
  11. Don’t ask a girl out on a date, suggest a date activity in statement form. Also, get specific and concrete. Bonus points if it’s a commonality you discovered in conversation. “Do you want to hang out sometime?” becomes “Come see Shakespeare in the Park with me on Wednesday.”
  12. Email a company you want to join. Tell them what you genuinely appreciate about their values and business model. Then explain what you can offer to them. Do this once a week minimum. All it takes is a single moment.
  13. Tell a business you’re disappointed with their product or service. Whether your waiter was exceedingly rude or the shipping packaging was terrible, explain your frustrations in person, on the phone, or over email.
  14. Share a traditionally “unattractive” hobby with a girl. This could be your side programming project, comic collection, or love for building model airplanes.
  15. End a friendship with a girl that you don’t want to be “just friends” with. This sounds harsh but hear me out. This is for when you’ve already shown your intentions and she’s not feeling it. Rather than stick around hoping she’ll change her mind…
  16. Approach and meet women on a regular basis. It’s step #1 to having a successful dating life. Grab my approaching eBook, get out of your house, and go say hello to someone!
  17. Break up with a significant other that you’re unhappy with. Don’t stay with a woman out of fear of being alone, because it’s comfortable, or you don’t want to hurt her feelings. If you care about her, end it now instead of stringing her along. She’s only going to get more invested and hurt with time.
  18. Calmly inform someone that they’re crossing your boundaries or mistreating you. “You are talking down to me and I don’t appreciate it.” “You’re prying too far into my personal life right now.” “I don’t like the way you passively aggressively attack me.”
  19. Let a friend or date that cancelled (last minute or more than once) know that behavior is unacceptable. Avoid anger and hostility. “Okay, next time give me a heads up so I can plan other things.” or “It’s not cool to keep wasting my time like that. Hit me up when you’re serious about hanging out.” If it happens repeatedly, cut contact and move on.
  20. Be upfront with your relationship expectations to a woman you’re seeing. Tell her exactly what you’re looking for when the time is right. That could be you’re still figuring it out, friends with benefits, open dating, or an exclusive relationship.

Be true to yourself and your needs as part of your daily life. Each time you follow the path of honesty, you’ll reinforce those values. Make them a habit until they become you.

What are some ways you’ve stifled what you really want? Share them with me in the comments — I’d love to provide my insight.

Ready to take charge of your life? Let’s talk for a free strategy session.

  1. Mike on October 25, 2012

    What a great post and very timely for me. I’ve actually been being more assertive lately. Tons of this stuff I’ve been doing for a long time, but being more decisive (just making a decision even if it’s a wrong one), more assertive, and taking control of ourselves puts us in touch with our masculine energy.

    Not only will it make you more attractive to women, but you’ll find yourself getting more comfortable and happy with your own life.

    I’ve had multiple “I’m not interested in being friends with you” conversations with women this year and it won’t always get the result you want, but in 2 cases I had the women coming back to me. One model-like girl even had this big smile on her face when I told her.

    Even the non-girl related stuff builds “your muscles”, gets you comfortable with who you are, and generates respect. Women and people in general do not like overly agreeable men, especially not ones who never take a stand, or try to hide what they want or who they are.

    • Nick Notas on October 25, 2012

      Perfectly said. Practicing all of the above regularly translates to so many areas of life. It builds a solid foundation where you get in touch with your masculine core.

      No one likes someone who agrees constantly without a backbone. It comes off dishonest and puts people on edge.

  2. Anon on October 25, 2012

    Tend to turn really beta when I’m attracted to a girl. I’m so awkward when it comes to pick up. I sound “weird” when opening. I just stay quiet because I sound so retarded everytime I open my mouth.

    • Nick Notas on October 25, 2012

      Sounds like you don’t put yourself out there enough. You can’t expect to be comfortable if you aren’t getting into uncomfortable situations regularly. Don’t worry about seeming like a retard for now, we’ve all been there. Keep practicing and you’ll only get better.

  3. Life Tips on October 25, 2012

    Once again, another great post. I hope most of us don’t get hyped up over the info and not take action including me.

    • Nick Notas on October 25, 2012

      Thanks. That’s why I always suggest a 2:1 rule. For every hour you read, you should be going out and practicing for two. Keeps you in check.

  4. neal on October 26, 2012

    fucking thank you

  5. Andy on November 8, 2012

    All of these hit really close to home. I’m making it a priority to put #6 and #19 into action. Thanks!

    • Nick Notas on November 9, 2012

      Happy they resonated with you and you’re ready to take action. Apologizing too much was a big one for me to overcome. Good luck!

  6. Michael on July 30, 2014

    This might be an older post, but it’s definitely hit the feels for me! I guess you could say I need to work on being more assertive. #15 really got me though, seeing how I needed to do this to one of my old best friends a month ago. Great post, Keep it up!

  7. Seymoure on October 15, 2014

    You’ve done it again Nick. This is gold. You’ve created a valuable collection which should be categorized and indexed so it can be referred to repeatedly when needed.
    Thank you for what you do.

  8. Patrik Chynoransky on May 21, 2015

    I can proudly say, I received phone numbers from two girls last night! …shame it was just a dream. 😀
    But I’ll try to follow all these rules.
    Thank you for all your advice you share with us, Nick! 🙂

    • Nick Notas on May 22, 2015

      Haha, well it’s a start that your mind is thinking about it. Now just turn that dream into reality 🙂

      You’re very welcome and best of luck Patrik!

  9. Osioke on March 18, 2016

    Just read the part 1 and then this.. Thank you very much Nick. You’ve really helped me better understand myself and my relationships.


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