Why has a disappointing sex life with your partner become the norm?
Everywhere I look, people preach that passionless long-term relationships and marriages are inevitable. Women supposedly lose their desires while men are forever frustrated. They claim you have to accept your miserable fate and learn to laugh about it. That isn’t funny to me.
The sad thing is, they’re often right. There are so many couples where both parties feel unfulfilled. And it got me thinking…why is that?
We’re the most plugged-in, knowledgeable generation in history. We have an unlimited supply of relationship books, dating advice blogs, and marriage counselors. We have all the resources needed to create exciting sexual connections.
So if it’s not a lack of resources, then maybe the resources are wrong. I’ve come to realize the problem is…
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No one is speaking honestly. They sugarcoat everything. They don’t have the guts to admit what’s really going on. It’s the fluff perpetuated by society, religion, “relationship experts”, magazines, and dating game shows.
Guess what? Most of it doesn’t work. If it did, why do…
- Roughly 48% to 53% of marriages end in divorce.
- 2/3 of divorces get initiated by women.
- An estimated 15-20% of marriages become sexless.
- 41% of marriages have one or both partner committing infidelity. 54% of women admit to cheating at least once in their lives. 68% of women say they would have an affair if they didn’t get caught. And those are just the ones who owned up to it. (Source)
Get ready for the truth but please understand, there’s no going back.
Dispelling the excuses and accepting reality
You and everyone else has a hundred different reasons why you’re not having sex:
Your woman is stressed at work. There’s never enough time in the day. You just need more date nights. Life is hard and tiring. The list goes on and on.
While all of the above may be true, no one is saying the biggest overarching reason:
She’s just not that attracted to you.
She probably was at some point in the past but not currently. Right now you don’t get her turned on to the point where she can’t control herself. You don’t draw the primal, animalistic lust out of her. And she’s not getting wet enough when she’s with you.
This is where a good portion of readers will start flipping out. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about Nick!” They will get defensive, panic, and rationalize their lack of sex under the guise of “My partner has a low libido. She has a low sex-drive and doesn’t think about that stuff.”
Really? That’s why….
- 48% of women masturbate weekly.
- 50 Shades of Grey obliterated records becoming the fastest selling paperback in history. The series has sold a whopping 70 million copies and has been read by nearly every woman under the age of 55. Oh and it contains 98.54% more sexual content than the average romance novel.
- 42% of women are dissatisfied with their current sex life.
Barring medical complications (which I’ll discuss later), chances are I’m right. We are born to have sex — it’s part of our biology, just like eating and sleeping. It’s one of our core physiological needs to live happily. And if you still think I’m full of it, consider this…
- Why was she having sex with you regularly before (at least weekly) and it suddenly started to dwindle? (monthly or less)
- Does she really have no time for sex? Is she spending effort watching TV, on the computer, on Facebook, and other leisure activities?
- Is she reading romance novels and other material that get her fantasizing about sex?
- Does she exercise and maintain physical activity during the day? Then why when it comes to intimacy, she’s always too tired? Most of the time, you’re doing the physical work and expending the energy.
- How often did she have sex in her previous relationships? What are the naughtiest things she’s done with someone else? I guarantee you’d be floored to hear that some of your girlfriends have had lots of sex, talked filthy, enjoyed roughness, and experienced a variety of sexual escapades.
The biggest mindfuck is when men-in-denial are left by their supposedly frigid women. Girls leave their sexless relationships and suddenly enjoy being sexually liberated. They start hooking up with guys like crazy or end up with a new man that they can’t resist being penetrated by.
You really think your partner doesn’t crave sex anymore? Stop the denial. They just don’t desire you. Now let’s figure out why that happened and what you can do about it.
How did this happen? The mental missteps
The overwhelming majority of women want to be polarized by a masculine, dominant energy. That doesn’t mean she’s weaker or less than you. That doesn’t mean you control her. That means you’re a leader of others, but most importantly, of yourself.
Somewhere along the line she stopped seeing you as that man. And it’s usually about your mental traits rather than your physical ones.
Let’s assume you have a woman that genuinely cares about you and wants to make the relationship work. If that’s not the case, then there’s a larger issue here and you shouldn’t be with her in the first place. So…
Maybe you stopped being assertive. You don’t speak your mind. You’re timid. You don’t go after what you want or want the best for yourself. You have no ambition. You don’t set and enforce your boundaries.
Maybe you lost your confidence. You have low self-esteem. You don’t trust in yourself and never take charge. You’re always negative and cynical. You get jealous easily. You became needy, clingy, dependent, and overbearing.
Maybe you let yourself go. You got lazy. You stopped taking care of your health and your appearance. You don’t dress well. You walk around with weak, unattractive body language that makes you look like a pushover.
Maybe you became an asshole. You close off and don’t communicate your feelings in healthy ways. You’re passive-aggressive. You flip out and yell at her for no reason. You disrespect her. You ignore her. You’re controlling and manipulative. You don’t have fun together or make her laugh.
And the huge one I can almost guarantee…
You stopped expressing your sexuality and you don’t tap into her sexual desires.
How did this happen? The sexual missteps
Inside every woman is a carnal beast wanting to be unleashed. The problem is she’s been raised and told by the world that her sexuality is wrong. That it’s something to be ashamed of. She needs your encouraging leadership to tap into that inner sex goddess.
Again, somewhere along the line she stopped getting to that emotional, sexual place. It could be…
You don’t flirt with her randomly. You don’t sext her anymore or make her feel sexy every day. You don’t initiate sexual contact or naughty talk. You fall into the same boring routine. You’re not spontaneous. You don’t create wild sexual adventures. You don’t talk with her openly about sex. And you don’t indulge her deepest fantasies.
You don’t walk into the room and run your hands all over her body. You don’t take her with passion. You never tease her body until she’s shaking with excitement. You don’t get her moaning uncontrollably and experiencing incredible orgasms.
The research shows that women like to be desired and taken by their man.
“In the lab, women are responding generally to scenarios of sexual assault. …Does that mean that any of us want to go out and be sexually assaulted? No, it doesn’t. The realm of arousal and the realm of fantasy can tell us something about ourselves psychologically.
The feeling of being desired is a very powerful one, a very electrical one. And I think at least at the fantasy level, that sense of being wanted, and being wanted beyond the man’s self-control is also really powerful.”
Unfortunately, you may have even discouraged her sexuality altogether. Men tend to put little effort into stirring their woman’s sexual emotions. They curl up in bed, don’t try to arouse her, and timidly ask for sex. They get frustrated when she doesn’t respond with enthusiasm.
Then they beg. When that doesn’t work, they pout or try to guilt her into it. They automatically expect her to take off her clothes just because she’s their partner. Sex becomes a chore or obligation to the woman. It gets associated with negative feelings rather than something they love and crave to do.
This kind of behavior is pathetic, unfair, and an absolute turnoff.
How to fix things moving forward
If you want a healthy sex life with your partner, she has to become attracted to you again. Sometimes that’s possible, sometimes it’s not. The only way to find out is by taking action because waiting around won’t change your circumstances.
- Commit to being a strong man — permanently. Do it for yourself. Regardless of whether it works with this woman, you have to become the best version of you. Work on the four mental points above: become assertive, develop your confidence, take care of yourself, and stop being an asshole. Analyze which areas need the most development and tackle them one by one.
Embrace your sexual side and encourage hers. Show her how much you desire her. Touch and tease her often. Don’t beg or whine like a little boy. Always be spontaneous and make sex fun again. Ask about her wants and how you can pleasure her immensely. Allow her to share and partake in her ultimate fantasies without judgment. Incorporate what you’re missing in the “sexual missteps” section.
You need to get her to the point where her sexual drive overtakes her. Where she’s in that primal mode which she’ll do just about anything. You’ll be amazed at how wild women can really get. They’ll do things that they claim they would never do or think is gross — and they may actually mean it. But sexual emotions are a powerful force.
Commonalities and similar values are great for our daily lives but opposites attract in the bedroom. We don’t want stability, we want variety and unpredictability. We don’t always want clean, we desire to be “wrong” and to experiment with taboos. Don’t take my word for it: Esther Perel, one of the premier psychologists on sexuality and couples advocates this for healthy sexual relationships.
Both of you communicate your expectations about sex. You have to really think about what you need to be sexually satisfied in a relationship — within reason. Wanting sex 3x a day is probably not going to happen. Personally, at least attempting for intimacy on a daily basis is important.
For others, you may be happy with a few times a week. Obviously everyone is different but I would say most couples should strive for at least that. Let her know it’s not just about your needs but that you want to give her the best sex of her life. Ask for her input on how you can make that happen.
If there’s any potential medical complications affecting her sex drive like birth control or thyroid problems, discuss it together. Make an appointment with her and be the support she needs to get the issue fixed.
Evaluate her reaction and the overall situation. How has she taken to steps 1-3? Is she receptive or dismissive? Is she open and willing to discuss your sex life together? Is she being fair to your needs or does she completely shut you down? Does she want to put effort into improving your romance? Or does she make you feel bad for wanting sex?
I can’t give you a definitive answer on what you should end up doing with your relationship. Everyone’s situation is different — some couples have been together for many years, some are married with a home, and some have children. It’s never an easy decision. But I can tell you this…
Give the above a fair shot. For me, that would mean a couple months, not years. If she’s always negative or disrespectful, if she doesn’t put in any effort, and if nothing has improved, it might be time to consider walking away. You should never stay in a relationship out of fear — either of the unknown or of being alone. And don’t settle for someone that isn’t meeting your needs.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, she is the only person you can have sex with unless you plan on cheating. If you’re unhappy and unfulfilled sexually, will you be able to spend the rest of your life like that? Will she? I doubt it.
Sex doesn’t have to get less enjoyable over time. Marriages are not destined to dead bedrooms. And stop believing that women don’t want sex as much as we do.
Find the right woman and be an irresistible man.
Want my personal 1-on-1 help to implement what you’ve just learned? I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this alone. If you’d like a step-by-step, tailored approach to magnetically attract women and build more meaningful relationships, let’s have a free, 100% confidential consultation call (up to 30 minutes) to discuss how we can work together. Schedule your free strategy session here.