The opposite of love is not hate. It’s apathy.

So the worst outcome you can have on a date is for a woman to feel…nothing.

Yet many guys do everything in their power to not rock the boat.

They try to never offend a woman, say anything too forward, or show too much of their weird, quirky side. 

Many men, in their effort to avoid offense, inadvertently hide their most interesting traits – their quirks, humor, and desires.

Basically, they cut off all the best sides of their personality.

You do this when you don’t ask any personal or intimate questions, you don’t set your boundaries because you don’t want to upset a woman, or you don’t get into your goofy sense of humor. And when you don’t show your sexual intentions.

And I know that you don’t really enjoy these types of dates, either.

So if you stick to this approach, you will never learn how to attract women.

Indifference Is A Death Sentence

Whenever I ask a guy, “Tell me a few interesting things you talked about on your date.” They often reply, “I don’t remember.”

What that says to me is that you never said anything real, meaningful, vulnerable, or different. Because if you did, you’d definitely remember it!

Attraction is an emotion. If you’re not getting these women to feel anything on these dates, then you are completely forgettable. You will fade into oblivion like the countless other dates she’s had.

You have to start saying things or doing things that polarize people and get them to feel strong emotions around you. Yes, sadly, that can mean evoking negative emotions, too.

That’s why lots of jerks still get laid because at least they’re making these women feel something. They often make a woman feel shocked, frustrated, intimidated, challenged, or even desired.

(Now, I’m not advocating for being an asshole. I’m just trying to explain why a lot of those men still can get women.)

A woman is usually going to pick one long-term partner at some point. She’s almost always going to choose the guys she feels emotionally connected to and not the guy who’s just a planned, safe option.

You cannot mediocre your way into love. You might get some dates out of it, but you’ll never be the man of a woman’s dreams.

Here are 9 polarizing techniques to attract women and arouse their emotions.

1. Share A Difference Of Opinion

So many men are afraid that if they share their own views or values on a subject, a woman is just going to get really upset, freak out, and exclude them from the dating pool.

A woman doesn’t need you to be a clone of her. She wants you to be an individual. She wants you to be driven, strong, and independent. For that to happen, you have to share your difference in opinion and not judge her for her own.

You’re not trying to attack her or shove it down her throat. You’re trying to have an open dialogue and at least understand her point of view, share yours, and have a positive discussion about it.

When you do that, she sees that you’re a guy who’s not desperate for approval and being a yes-man like everyone else. You’re actually showing up honestly and have the self-respect to want to connect with people that align with you.

2. Ask Hard Questions That Require Her To Be Vulnerable

These could be really deep and personal questions, sexual questions, or really thought-provoking questions that get to her core values and opinions.

These should come from a genuine sense of curiosity.

You don’t want to just be on a million first dates where you only talk about things like, “What’s your favorite music?” and, “What’s the last movie you saw?”

You actually want to get to know each other because that’s when you can come from a standpoint of, “Do I want to get to know this person better?” 

Yes, she’s attractive, but a self-confident man says, “Okay, besides that, is she cool? Does she have the values that I’m looking for? Does she have an interesting personality?”

Women pick up on that as well.

Similarly to sharing your own opinion, as long as a woman feels it’s coming from a place of wanting to get to know her – you’re not judging her for it, and you’re not mocking her for her answers – then by her opening up, she’s giving you a part of her heart that she hasn’t given to any other guy.

THAT’S when we start to feel a deeper human connection.

Then she’s like, “Oh, my God, this guy really gets me. He really likes to know more about me and he understands me in a way that other men don’t.”

And if she’s willing to answer intimate questions and share her sexual side, she’ll start to feel those emotions with you. It can immediately turn the vibe red hot.

Be willing to ask the hard questions and to answer them for yourself, too.

3. Step Into Your Humor

Embrace your silly side. That means getting goofy, weird, saying some outlandish shit, or being really physical with your humor and expressiveness. Whatever style of humor is yours is fine, it doesn’t need to be exactly the same as hers.

For example, I have a more dark, cynical, and vulgar sense of humor that my wife doesn’t, but she can at least appreciate it.

The deeper message is: if you’re showing a woman that you’re stepping into your own humor, then you are comfortable with yourself.

Even if you guys are a little bit different in your sense of humor, she’s still like, “Wow, this guy’s really expressive, open, and doesn’t care about being judged.” That’s what is attractive.

If you don’t know how to bring out your humor, then I suggest you look up different forms of humor and start trying one at a time. Understand what sarcasm is, and then focus on going on a date and try being a little sarcastic to see if it resonates with you.

I also think it’s great to watch the best people in the world at it, whether that’s late-night talk show hosts, stand-up comics, or great comedians in general. Learn about delivery, punchlines, styles of humor.

Finally, consider taking an improv class if you’ve never done it. It’s awesome. It’s a great way to intentionally be loose and step into your creativity in a nonjudgmental environment.

Every guy I’ve seen who’s taken an improv class and stuck with it, even for a little bit, immediately feels much more witty and open. They feel like they can joke in ways that they do with their guy friends, but actually translate that to a date with a beautiful woman.

4. Push To Meet Up Sooner

Stop letting plans be wishy-washy.

So many guys text women for days, weeks, or even longer before meeting up. They think that they’re building a connection, but they’re not.

People don’t connect over texts. There are no facial expressions. You’re not hearing their intonation. You’re not getting their presence and their energy. It all doesn’t mean anything if you aren’t hanging out in person.

I can’t tell you how many times guys have talked to women for weeks on end and they’re like, “We’re getting so close.” Then all of a sudden, the women just find somebody else or get bored with it and cut them off coldly.

Then the men are stuck thinking, “I thought we had something.” You didn’t.

As I’ve said before, I’m generally going to invite a woman to do something the very first day of texts back and forth, or the next. At that point, most women can figure out if they’re at least open to meeting up and if they’re potentially interested based on photos, conversation, and overall vibe.

If not, waiting doesn’t usually increase the odds. If you invite a woman out and she gives you some vague answer and says, “Oh, yes. We’ll meet up sometime soon,” don’t let that hang.

I value my time and so should you. That’s what a confident person does. You don’t act desperate and beg for her to meet up with you, but you set your expectations.

You can tell her something like, “I’m generally pretty busy during the week, so I like to schedule things further out. I’m free for cocktails on Thursday. How does that work?” Most men are afraid to do that because they’re worried about being too forward or assertive.

I want a woman to feel, “This guy isn’t desperate. He’s independent. He does cool things. He’s not waiting around begging for me, but he’s self-confident and knows the value of his time.”

I want her to feel the slightest bit of fire and pressure to be like, “If I really like this guy, I also have to invest in him.” If you don’t make a woman feel like she has to invest in you a little bit, then she generally doesn’t value the connection.

That’s just human nature. We don’t value things that we don’t have to work for.

If she’s actually into you, suggesting a more concrete time is unlikely to push her away. She’s not going to think, “This guy is so awesome. I can’t wait to meet up, but he suggested an actual time for us to hang out. Screw him. Never mind.”

5. Set Strong Boundaries

Let’s say you’re on a date and she’s on her phone pretty regularly. She’s checking Instagram or responding to something. Deep down you’re like, “I really hate this. I feel like it’s breaking up the flow. I just don’t want to be on our phones.”

A lot of guys are afraid to say anything because they’re worried that a woman’s going to respond with, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

But I’m not going to tell a woman what to do. I’m going to tell her what I want. That’s the difference between being a leader and somebody who’s controlling.

I’m not going to say, “Get off your phone and put it away.” I don’t know her. She doesn’t owe me anything. If she cares about a connection and she cares about me staying interested, then she’s going to compromise and try to work for it.

Instead, I’m going to share my feelings and say,”Hey, listen, I understand that sometimes we’ve got to check stuff. In general, I like to be present on a date and put our phones away so we can really get to know each other.”

A friend actually shared another idea recently, which is he’ll just text a girl while she’s on her phone saying, “Over here.” He gives her a playful nudge that he’s not getting the presence he wants.

Self-respect is only going to make her respect you more and feel closer to you. In that moment, she might even feel a little challenged or guilty for doing that. But when you’re showing self-respect, that’s more likely to make her want to invest in you further.

The same goes, for example, when a woman cancels on plans multiple times at the last minute. So many guys just put their head down and say, “No problem at all. Cool. I understand. We’ll find another time.”

You’re showing her that you have no backbone so she’s not going to feel anything other than, “Hey, this is just a guy that’ll wait around and be wrapped around my finger.”

Instead, you need to challenge her a little bit and say something like, “Hey, listen, I understand stuff comes up. But my time is really important to me and I really value it. I’m looking to connect with people who feel the same way.”

I can’t tell you how many times that has shook a woman because most men will never say that. Or they only say set their boundaries in a controlling way like, “What the F! I can’t believe you. You better make it up to me now.”

That’s not what we’re saying. What we’re saying is, “That’s not really cool with me. If things continue that way, I’m going to focus my energy elsewhere.”

That feeling of loss really wakes a lot of women up to thinking, “I have to make it up to this person and I have to commit to showing up.”

6. Don’t Cancel Your Existing Plans

If you just met someone and she’s like, “Hey, can you hang Friday?” and you already have plans to chill with your friends, a bunch of work to catch up on, or an important meeting in the morning to prepare for – then don’t change your plans.

You can tell her something like, “Hey, listen, I’d love to but I’ve got X plans on that day. How about we hang next week on Tuesday?”

That behavior sparks a lot of curiosity because most men do the opposite.

She starts to think, “Whoa, this guy is really independent and has got his own stuff going on.”

When you are somebody who has purpose and is driven and independent, a woman feels excited to convince you to invest time in her.

If she finds out that you obliterated your plans with your good friends, she might feel some disdain.

That basically says to her that you really don’t value yourself, your personal life, or your friendships. And that is going to reek of desperation.

7. Bridge Into Personal Experiences Or Emotions

A lot of times when guys are on dates, they talk in facts.

I went to this school for this many years now. Now I work for this company. I work these amount of hours.

That is not likely to get a woman to feel anything. You could just be a giant LinkedIn resume that’s sitting in front of her on a date.

She wants to know the “Why?” behind those facts.

She wants to know WHY you do these things: why do you love them? What was challenging about them? What was scary? What are you looking forward to? What do you regret? What are you really passionate about in the future?

That’s what makes you an individual and that’s what makes her feel something. Because we all can connect to those similar emotions.

Let’s say you have a certain job she’s doesn’t know much about — like a software engineer.

She’s not going to relate to the practical technical terms around coding, but she can relate to your feelings. The drive to get something right, the critical thinking aspects of it, the accomplishment of finally doing something that has been a problem for so long.

She has to connect to those shared emotions and that’s what’s going to make her feel close to you. It’s how you can make any subject interesting.

So many guys are afraid of bringing up nerdy interests, hobbies, or things that they think women won’t like. It is just a missed opportunity to show your personality and relate it in a way so she can actually find it engaging.

You want women to get fired up about you.

If you’re really passionate about something, and it’s going to be a big part of your life, then you want a woman who at least respects that and is open to it.

Exercise 1

If you’re somebody that has a hard time with sharing more about yourself, take a subject that you’ve recently had on a date or that matters a lot to you.

Consider, “What do I spend a lot of my life thinking about, reading about, watching, or investing my time in?”

Write those topics down on a piece of paper.

From there, you can either ask a lot of the W questions (who, what, where, when, why).

Like, why do I do this? Why do I love it? Why do I hate it? What’s my best experience around this? What’s my worst? How has this helped me grow? How have I felt more connected to it.

You can even Google “thought-provoking questions to ask yourself”, and there are endless ideas to dig into who you are.

Even if you do this outside of dates, your brain starts getting used to expressing yourself and then it translates to once you’re in front of a woman.

Exercise 2

You can also use a technique called the 7 Whys. Take one of those topics from exercise 1 like software development.

Start asking yourself a why question and answer it:

Why do I love software development? Because it helps me think critically and I get into a zone that stimulates my brain in a way that other things don’t.

Then, ask a why to that answer. “Why does it stimulate my brain in a way other things don’t?”

Repeat this process to go seven layers deep.

You will get to some really interesting areas of yourself that you never even thought about, just by continuing to prod and poke.

I promise you, if you share more emotional stuff – I’m not just talking about sadness and pity, but positive emotions like ambition, excitement, passion, curiosity – a woman is going to feel SO much closer to you.

You’ll immediately stand out from every other date where guys just talk about the same generic stuff over and over.

8. Flirt And Step Into Your Sexuality

Flirting is the act of showing desire in more than a platonic way.

You can do that with your words, or you can do that with your physical body. It includes anything more bold: compliments, asking more intimate or sexual questions, physical contact on a date, and going for a kiss.

All of these are showing your desire for more than a friendship. And when we feel desired by someone, it starts to stir up a lot of emotions.

If a woman’s not interested in you – it may turn her off, and that’s okay. I’d rather know that sooner than later instead of spending five mediocre dates paying for dinner with a woman that’s not actually into me.

Otherwise, they’re going to start to feel aroused because they already like you, find you interesting, and now you’re showing that you’re into them, too.

A woman begins to think, “This cool dude that I really like also has gotten to know me. And because of that, he’s starting to desire me and think about me in a romantic way – that’s hot.”

Just think about yourself on a date. If that beautiful woman looked you in the eyes and said, “You look so handsome tonight.” How would you feel? 

Your heart’s going to be pounding. You’re going to be like, “That feels amazing.” You’re just going to have all these emotions bubble up.

If you don’t know how to show your desire, I have a bunch of videos on my YouTube channel around compliments, physical contact, going for a kiss, eye contact, and intimate questions.

9. Say Something Embarrassing, And Own It

We all have flaws and that’s what makes us human. That’s also what makes us relatable.

People that try to be perfect, snobbish, or buttoned up all the time are less relatable to others.

They even see this in studies with doctors. Doctors who act really professional and closed off generally have higher malpractice rates. Doctors who are a little bit more low key and casual – who can joke and poke fun at themselves – have a much better relationship with patients.

If you have an embarrassing moment in a story, be honest about it. If you’re feeling nervous in a moment to answer something, or you don’t know what to say, own it. If you’ve struggled with something in the past, like your mental health, share it.

That doesn’t mean you sit there, dwell, and throw yourself a pity party. It means that you accept everything that you are and show how you’re moving forward.

You might say something like, “The last year I’ve felt a lot more isolated and it really weighed on me, but I’m excited about all the stuff coming up. I have a couple of vacations and joined a couple of run clubs to prepare for a marathon.” 

You’re not asking her to feel sorry you or letting yourself wallow in pain. You’re sharing your growth as a person. And that’s only going to help her share more of herself with you.

It’s like that famous Tyrion Lannister quote from Game Of Thrones: “Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”

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All of these are polarizing actions that get an emotional reaction. And any reaction is better than none at all.

You cannot “safe” your way into being the man of a woman’s dreams.

I’d rather you spend the next month trying to evoke real emotions and failing, then succeeding at being milk toast.

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