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15 Texting Mistakes That Stop You From Getting the Date

November 20th, 2013 by Nick Notas 46 Comments

Blake Lively Texting

Few moments have single men more excited then getting a girl’s number. There’s an immense joy in knowing you now have an open line of communication.

Then reality sinks in. A number may be a green light, but you still have to get her on a date. And as many men come to realize, that’s easier said than done.

Lucky for you, I’ve been taking notes from every texting e-mail I receive to decipher the common pitfalls that prevent men from meeting up with women. They are:

  1. Unnecessary apologies. Stop saying sorry for taking time to text back — you did nothing wrong. You barely know each other and you aren’t obligated to explain yourself. It comes off awkward and like you need to make sure she likes you. Just roll back into conversation.

    If you’re really taking that long to respond, are you…

  2. Artificially waiting to respond. Replying in a normal timeframe only comes off desperate when you’re flooding her with consecutive unanswered messages. But, not responding for half a day because you think it’ll make you look cool is desperate.

    Women want men who are unashamed of what they want. By delaying, you’re only going to frustrate her or make her feel like you’re uninterested — putting her on the defensive. Women will often pull away to protect themselves and act distant as well.

    If you don’t want a girl to play games with you, you shouldn’t be playing games with her.

  3. Sharing too many useless details. She probably doesn’t care about a play-by-play of your day. Unless you can make a joke from it or use it to ask her a question about herself — save it for the date. Pare down your texts to the core message and remove all filler. Brevity is key.

    Say she asks you what your plans are for the night. Many guys respond with something like…

    “I’m gonna take a nap. Then around 5 I’m going to meet up with my friend John who’s back from the military. I haven’t seen him in over a year. We’ll probably hang out for a little and then we’re going to watch a metal show at the DCU center in Worcester — it’s going to be awesome.”

    Is the nap pertinent? Do you really need the timestamps? Is John being in the military relevant right now? Do you need to explain that you’re hanging out? Does the location of the show make a difference? Or the fact that it’s going to be awesome — that’s hopefully implied by you investing your time there.

    “I’m meeting an old friend and heading to a metal show. What’s your favorite type of live music?”

  4. Not evoking positive emotions. Texting is a poor way to get to know someone — that’s what the real world is for. It should be a fun way to harmlessly flirt and banter. Avoid dry, mundane, or purely factual exchanges.

    I’m always lighthearted over text with new women. A girl wants to pick up her phone and smile or laugh. She doesn’t want to go back and forth about her or your schoolwork, job schedule, or stresses unless you can make light of them.

    The overall tone should be fun, flirtatious, playful, or just downright silly. You don’t have to be over the top, but always go back to this…

    How are you making her feel?

    Read over your statements and questions as if you were her. Do they make you feel warm? Are you smiling at them? Or are they neutral and flat? Do they only require an emotionless, one word answer?

    For a detailed breakdown of an emotionally engaging text conversation, see my article here.

  5. Talking about how bored you are, that you have nothing to do, or downplaying your interests. You’re admitting you have nothing engaging happening in your life. Saying how uninteresting your day is won’t get her excited to hang out with you. And if you can’t even enjoy your own day, how can she expect you to show her an awesome experience?

    Conversely, when you do have plans, don’t bash them. “I have tennis practice tonight, but I don’t want to go, it’s lame.” If it’s lame, then why the hell are you doing it in the first place?

    And if you find yourself always bored or miserable with what you’re doing, maybe it’s time to pick up a new hobby. Self-pity and laziness is a turn-off.

  6. Going for the date before you’ve gotten a positive response. The best time to suggest a date is right after you receive a happy response, laugh, or emoticon. This ensures the highest chance of getting a yes.

    Why? Because meeting up with a new guy can be stressful. A girl is nervous about things not going so well or being awkward. She needs to be reminded of the initial spark she felt for you and why she gave you her number.

    “He makes me laugh and is so easy to talk to. This date is going to be stress-free and fun.”

    That said, you shouldn’t be…

  7. Waiting way too long to invite her for the date. This is by far the #1 reason you’re not meeting up with women. Always go for a date within the first or second day of texting.

    I know it feels amazing to keep texting. You think you’re building a stronger connection and she’s more likely to agree. You’re wrong. The window of opportunity closes with each passing day.

    The truth is you’re scared of hearing the potential rejection. But women make up their minds quickly. She already knows her answer and you’re just delaying the inevitable

    If she likes you, she wants to hang out with you — especially if you had a great first interaction. And if she doesn’t, you want to know early on so you can focus on other people.

  8. Asking for a date rather than suggesting. She gave you her number and is replying back. Assume she wants to see you unless she states otherwise.

    Women want men who lead and take charge. Timidly asking, “would you ever want to go out on a date sometime?” sounds like you’re expecting her to say no. It also sounds like you’re inexperienced.

    Instead use “we” or “let’s” statements. “Let’s grab drinks and catch up. How’s Thursday?” “We should go to that museum on Friday.” This makes it feel mutual and shows you’re confident with your intentions. If she doesn’t want to go, she’ll let you know or decline your offer.

  9. Overselling how great hanging out with you will be. If you need to convince a woman she should see you, you’re doing it wrong. She should come to that conclusion herself through genuinely fun conversation (step #4). Avoid excessive exclamation marks, smileys, and grand statements.

    Don’t say, “We should go to this cute italian place! It overlooks the water and has the most incredible view ever! Their in-house wine and lasagna are the best in the city. You’re going to love and it have so much fun — I promise :)”

    Do say, “Let’s grab Italian at this cute place on the water.”

    Otherwise, you’re…

  10. Leaving no room for intrigue. Stop giving away all the details for your upcoming date. Putting pressure on her to commit to the entire ordeal before she’s even gone out with you is overwhelming. It also spoils the surprise for the adventure you’re planning.

    Don’t text, “We’re going to start at the winery, drink a glass of red, then have dinner at my favorite Thai place. Then we’ll finish off with a long walk through the best park.”  Instead try, “Let’s kick off at the winery and see where the night takes us.”

    Just like a movie, we want to be taken for an unexpected journey. Spontaneity is sexy.

  11. Giving too many options. Too many choices say you’re uncertain of what you want and force her to figure things out. Suggest a specific day rather than listing all the times you have available (which also makes it seem like you have nothing better to do).

    For the date idea, don’t say “What do you want to do? Get Chinese food? Or maybe Italian instead? Or we could just get a drink if that’s more comfortable for you.” Make a recommendation and if she wants something else, she can speak up — she’s not helpless.

    This applies to the logistics as well. Choose how you want to meet up. Don’t give her 5 choices of picking her up from her house, picking her up from the train station, or telling her to meet you there. Convey a plan and specific time. She’ll say if she prefers something different.

  12. Checking to see if they received your message. Unless her phone is broken, out of battery, or her service is cancelled — she got your text. She chose not to respond yet. And if she didn’t get it, then she’s not getting the immediate follow-up, either.

    Regardless, go focus on something else in your life. If you don’t hear back, send her a message in a couple of days (not about the previous text). If this happens multiple times, she’s likely not interested and you should move onto other girls.

  13. Texting them about their lack of response. Nothing says intense like confronting a girl and asking why they haven’t replied. Guys try to play it off by adding in “haha” or “lols” but the message is still clear: you’re frustrated and pissed about why she’s distant.

    Putting her on the spot won’t make her say “Oh my god, he’s right…I should be texting him!” It’ll only push her away further.

    Try to re-spark conversation in a couple days with a lighthearted text. If she continues to ignore you, go find other women.

  14. Not pinging them within 48 hours of the date. If you schedule a date more than a few days in advance, send her a reminder. Sometimes girls forget or get cold feet.

    A flirty statement about the date is enough to confirm and reassure her of the fun you’ll have. Something like, “You better bring your A game on Thursday :)” or “Are you ready to get your butt kicked in pool?” You can even be more forward with, “So, did you pick out a cute outfit for Thursday yet?”

  15. Not pinging them within a few hours of the date. Always send a quick check-in before heading to a date. Because sadly, sometimes when a girl is going to cancel, she won’t let you know. Then you end up somewhere waiting like a fool for a no-show.

    A simple confirmation of logistics will do. “Hey, I’m heading out in an hour, see you at 7!” or “Should be at your place by 7, can’t wait.”

Be bold, let loose, and go for the date already!

Most importantly, stop clinging on to girls that don’t invest back in you. Give attention to those that do. That’s how you’ll get more dates.

Want my personal 1-on-1 help to implement what you’ve just learned? I work with guys just like you to magnetically attract women, increase their confidence, and become the man girls really want.

Click here to learn more about what I can do for you.

  1. Jon on November 20, 2013

    I have to say, Nick, I’m guilty of a lot of these. And lately I’ve had a lot of flakes over text…

    I like the set up of this article with all the “don’t”s instead of just “do”s, it really helps!

    • Nick Notas on November 20, 2013

      Thanks, I wanted to present a different angle for this.

      As long as you keep these in mind, you should reduce the number of flakes. Also, make sure your connections during the first interaction are as strong as possible:

      http://www.nicknotas.com/blog/4-questions-to-ask-yourself-when-she-doesnt-text-back/

    • Kevin on January 12, 2015

      Hey, I’ve been talking to this girl for 2 months i told get we should hang out sometime and she said yes but when I asked her she said that she doesn’t have time. I like her and I really want to hang out with her what do I do?

  2. Fresnic on November 20, 2013

    I’m starting to realize my own errors. I’m guilty as well. Is there any specific way or examples to deal with flakes?

    • Nick Notas on November 20, 2013

      Hey Fresnic, that’s the first step! Good job.

      As for dealing with flakes, that’s what this whole article is about. Each step helps eliminate them and the overall conclusion is: if a girl keeps flaking, move on to someone else.

      Finally, make sure you’re creating a strong enough initial connection so she’s excited to see you again:

      http://www.nicknotas.com/blog/4-questions-to-ask-yourself-when-she-doesnt-text-back/

      • John on February 2, 2015

        I used to deal with flakes by either “nexting” them or by (Lord help me…) trying to guilt trip them. They usually didn’t flake maliciously and sometimes things happen. How I deal with it now is by making them think that I flaked as well (you never want to set up a date that’s dependent on her showing to have a good time, always try to set things up to where it’s not going to matter if she shows) and by rescheduling. If it happened again, I would ask them how they were going to make it up to me with a winky smiley. Sounds stupid and I sure felt stupid trying it the first time but it works a lot of the time.

  3. Gordon Freeman on November 20, 2013

    “Artificially waiting to respond.” -> classic move haha.

    It’s funny, you don’t realize you’re doing some of these until you read stuff like this. It always helps when your errors are pointed out, thanks for this!

    Question though: do you think there can be a such thing as TOO forward? I have found that sometimes being too up front and direct can be detrimental, and that you sometimes need to approach somewhat cautiously/beat around the bush – i.e. “play games”.

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      It’s not about playing games, it’s just about showing some natural restraint. It really comes down to the intention behind your messages.

      If you’re messaging her relentlessly because you’re desperate for her, that’s going to come across. But if you’re persistent because you’re confident and want to connect with her, that can come across quite well.

  4. Billy Taylor on November 20, 2013

    Dude, I always love the lines you suggest. They’re so suave:

    “So, did you pick out a cute outfit for Thursday yet?”

  5. Scotty on November 21, 2013

    Nailed it. Works with guys who like guys too. BOOM.

  6. NH Tim on December 2, 2013

    Nick,
    Another tip is to text her your number shortly after you get hers. I find often times girls text ME before I even have a chance to text them. Also, make it witty, “I’m gonna kick your butt in pool next week” or whatever you were talking about last. Start it off right.

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      Yup, I don’t believe in the three day rule. If you get a girl’s number, always follow up within 24 hours. Solid advice Tim.

      • dashreck on February 2, 2015

        totally true man..

  7. Sean on December 6, 2013

    Does this apply to facebook chats as well?

  8. Egor on December 8, 2013

    I gotta say, I expected this to be another “too advanced date guides”

    Its interesting how you added texting here. Texting is a big thing these generations. And this is very, very, very smart of you. I’ll recommend this to a lot of friends and use it myself.
    Thank you very much 🙂

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      Thank you Egor, I’m glad you enjoyed it. And I appreciate you sharing it out with friends!

  9. Juan on January 16, 2014

    Hey Nick,

    I’ve done all of this wrong. I met this girl and she was texting back and forth rapidly within the first few hours of getting the number. I went ahead and asked for the movie date (since she agreed to go out) and got no response twice lol. Let it breathe..came back with a joke and got a good response but fucked it up with a semi-perverted joke and another no response after that. All this within a week. Should I just call it quits or is there a chance to recover yet again? Any help is greatly appreciated.

    Thanks man,

    • Nick Notas on February 5, 2014

      My rule of thumb is if a girl doesn’t invest in me 2 or 3 times (not responding as an example), I move on. It may feel crappy now but there are plenty of more fish in the sea.

      • An admirer from India on May 1, 2014

        Hi nick. I’ve been texting to this girl for a 3 years now. We’ve met only twice and that too not a date. She knows that I like her a lot but she told me once that ” I see u as a friend” and on text messages she replies very late as in she takes 15 mins to 1 hour and whenever I plan a date she says ” I’ll let you know” and she never says yes for a date. So should I continue texting her or stop texting. Plz reply

  10. Goundy on February 3, 2014

    This is my rediculously simple method for getting the date for girls I just met.
    “hey x, what are you doing tonight?”

    With this, when I used to suck with girls and I was still coming up in the game, this line never worked and I got flaked on all the time. However fast forward two years later when my I actually knew what the hell I was doing with girls, this line worked like a charm. The thing I’m trying to point out is that the content of the text is immaterial compared to the initial interaction when you met her.
    The biggest difference I made was instead of just asking for her number, I’ll actually arrange the logistics for the time we will see eachother again and if she agrees, then and only then do I get the number. This minimizes time wasters and best of all, they know what they are in for.
    After that, a simple ‘hey x what are you doing tonight’ works perfectly.

    • Nick Notas on February 5, 2014

      Mhmm, the initial connection matters so much. If you have a great connection when you first meet and discuss plans together — texting to get her on a date becomes easy.

  11. Bianca on February 26, 2014

    Wow, as a girl, these really rang true for how to start a relationship with a guy through texting, especially because the focus is in this leading up to a face-to-face date. While I do appreciate a guy giving me an option on logistics, or, for example, checking to make sure i do like seafood, it just makes me feel much more confident in him when i see that he´s confident enough to pick something nad just go with it. definitely have to agree with all these.

  12. Jake Long on February 28, 2014

    Very educational and entertaining. Definitely going to consult this list in the future. Mainly for entertainment purposes, I recommend checking out what Aziz Ansari has to say about texting and dating. Thanks for the info.

  13. Chloe on March 10, 2014

    This is the best!!! Love all these points- they’d totally get me on a date.

  14. jeni on April 28, 2014

    I’m well past dating now but my biggest turn off when dating was guys waiting forever to text me. It makes a guy come off as thinking he’s better than me or he’ll text girl #58 when he’s bored- no thanks! What I loved about my (husband now) when I met him was even though we didn’t get a chance to swap numbers he got mine from our mutual friend without my permission and called me asap. It made me think he’s into me and he’s got the balls to chase what he wants. Major turn on.

  15. Inderjit on May 14, 2014

    I know a girl from school. but school is finished now. I want to add her on Facebook and get her number. BUT how do I do this?

  16. Marcus on May 20, 2014

    Hey Nick,
    So i am part of a co-ed frat at school and have like another member. As i was pledging there were a few whispers that i liked her. She heard them and dismissed them but from what i am told was blushing. I acted as if i didn’t hear the whispers because she had a boyfriend and so i was ok with being friends. Neither of us brought up the rumors to each other. Fast forward a semester, her and her bf break up. At a party we are over in a corner talking when a girl comes over drunk and says how the girl i like is so beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have her etc etc. I jokingly said something about her enjoying the drunken compliments and we laughed. My crush then said “well, i am back on the market. Soooo”. After that we split up, only for me to console her when i saw her crying later. I decided not to pursue her in the following days bc she clearly wasn’t over her ex, finals were around the corner and i didn’t want more rumors around the frat.
    So i have a few questions; Was was her comment directed at me or just a general statement? How do ik if she is interested? And now that classes are out what is the best way to go about setting up a date with her(we live in the same city)? Call, text, stop by?

    Thanks for any advice you can give

  17. Janet on May 23, 2014

    I love all of this. On the female side of things, I could never put my finger on some of these annoying triggers that make me flake. The do’s are MUST DOs! If a guy texted me about the cute outfit thing I’d make sure to wear sexy panties too 😉

  18. repaflash on May 28, 2014

    Wow, Nick, I stumbled across this and what a GREAT piece with some spot on observations and advice.

    I’ve had TWO different women simply stop responding to me after a first date in the past month. Maybe it’s something I am doing wrong (it’s not), but I have to say that I think this is absolutely despicable behavior. I totally understand that people might not be interested in dating me, but when roles are reversed I try to treat the woman I am not interested in with enough decency to send along something kind that is still clear: “Thanks, Jane Doe, I had a nice time over coffee the other day, but I think I’d prefer to just leave it at that.” If you determine that another human being who reaches out to you isn’t worthy of, at least, something like that, I think you’ve proved what a piece of doo-doo you are.

    So there, rant over.

  19. Gav on June 13, 2014

    Hey Nick, great article man!

    I think i’m probably about to be flaked on. Met this girl about 2 weeks ago in a club, got on really well/had lots in common/got with her etc and exchanged numbers. Didn’t really text much at all but i asked if she fancied going for drinks Sunday and she said yeah, sounding proper keen like when we first met etc. However i sent her a text 5 days later (today) to just confirm things up, but i haven’t got a response yet. I assume she must of seen the text and has obviously chosen not to respond. Just wanted to know if its worth following up with another text tomorrow or just knocking it on the head now and take it as shes lost interest or something. Kinda gutted as she made some impression on me.
    Any advice would be helpful,Cheers.

  20. jane on June 14, 2014

    Do you think this applies to girls too? Life, if a girl is constantly texting firssst, and the guy doesn’t text back in a few days, would it be a bad idea for the girl to still ask the guy on a date?

  21. Carl on October 25, 2014

    Hi just a simple question
    So after my date i texted the girl
    “Thank you for seeing me. I had a good time with you today”
    Well the date went well so I texted that to her
    Is that ok or does that show weakness??

  22. Neal on October 30, 2014

    Nick, I wish I read this before I did ANYTHING. Ugh….I believe I blew it; is there any chance of saving this? I REALLY like this girl.
    I talked too much, and she hardly responded. I assumed she was the type to give out her phone #, and not follow through.
    When I met her, I asked if I could take her out sometime. She smiled and went in the back, and produced her number. I thanked her and didn’t spend much time talking, which after reading this was a HUGE mistake. I was nervous as hell.
    So, with her hardly responding to anything I texted, I said:
    Marty. Why would you give me your number if you had no intentions of anything?
    She responded:
    Not to share too much but I am just divorced and I also have your number so rt now I’m not really ready for anything but I will use your number when I am.
    Then I proceeded to tell her how amazing she was and what a connection we had when we first made eye contact…blabbering on and on, like an idiot.
    Finally she responds with: Thank you for understanding.
    I feel like I fucked this up one side and down the other. Is there any hope?

  23. Jonathan on November 9, 2014

    “I had a good time with you today” was good. ” Thankyou for seeing me” wasn’t so good. When you’re doing something mutual, it’s best not to thank them. You don’t want her to feel like she was doing you a favor of providing a service for you.

  24. james on November 11, 2014

    Basically i was working and i was observing this gorgeous girl near the checkouts, everything was great she held her eye contact and started to laugh. She then approached me and gave me her number and said that im cute and to message her. I text’d her as soon as I got home and it was all immediate replies though sometimes these messages get cold as in I messaged the other day
    Me: “it will be great to meet up”
    but no response to my message. Do u think she’s playing hard to get? or that she doesnt know me enough to go out with her?

    Plus do I wait to text her or her to text me?

  25. John on November 16, 2014

    Me and this girl were texting nonstop for 4 days, was great and we both responded quick from another. She always sent emoji faces. Until 2 nights ago. She wanted me to keep her company because she was somewhere in a parking lot waiting for her sister in a place for 3 hours. I then asked if she wanted to go to the movies…maybe I should’ve asked if she wanted to go out to dinner bit she said yes. We live in different areas so we met up and she went into my car. I hugged her and said, “hey how’s it going?” We had some conversations but they all died down quick and just got so weird. I tried starting conversations and she didn’t try. We went to see a movie and talked a little buy not much..then on the way home I told her, “sorry I’ve been a bit quiet, just a little nervous.” She said it was alright. After that it was a long quiet drive. After that she stopped texting me for a whole day. We texted very little yesterday but I felted weirded out. I still like her and want to go on a 2nd date. But how do u recover from this awkward date to getting another. I don’t want to feel desperate just want to see how this goes before it all ends. If you could email me “juicejugo20@aol.com” for response that’d be great. Thank you

    • Jonathan on December 19, 2014

      It’s possible she was just as nervous as you.Don’t sweat it. Next time, focus on ice breakers. Find interesting questions to ask her, and focus on the topics she likes. Don’t try to rush a conversation either and you should do ok. If you do want to say something about the previous date, don’t apologize for it. Make a joke instead such as ” I like talking to u but, you’re so gorgeous it leaves me speechless at times”.

  26. Susan on December 7, 2014

    This is right on the money. Guys, pay attention. Girls love a guy who can take charge, make decisions, and if we need something different, we will speak up. It also shows confidence. And playing too hard to get is a turn-off for sure, just makes me think he’s stringing me along and texting other girls, or not interested but I’m better than nothing.

  27. Trent on December 30, 2014

    Hey this is some grade A stuff. It’s all true. I commend you Nick for your hard work and dedication, good sir.

  28. metaboy on June 21, 2015

    Hey what do you do if you are getting one word responses to the texts. She is nether ignoring nor showing keen interest. Kind of mysterious and has kept me confused .

    • metaboy on June 21, 2015

      hey just to add on the one word responses are generally ha ha , okay …

      • Jonathan on June 20, 2016

        It kind of depends. It could mean she’s only marginally interested in you,she’s just not the texting type, or she’s somewhat shy. You would do better to find out in person or say a joke like “I’ve never met someone who gets across what they want to say in such short sentences”. See if that gets her to open up

  29. Bright on August 24, 2016

    Nick I appreciate ur great articles. But I have a question. If girls don’t respond. It may not be ur fault. But texting girls how u feel about their ignorance is actually showing ur true feelings. Ur actually gonna feel bad.

  30. Shah on February 22, 2017

    Hi Nick,

    ive had a bit of a roadblock due to my own flaw.. being shy. i met a girl on my flight with who i connected with really well, she asked me for my number and fb and even suggested meeting for dinner, since i was attending my brothers wedding for a week, i didnt have the time to catch up with her at the destination or msg her. Anyway i got back two days ago.. tried to call her but she didnt answer, then sent her a text to which she responded welcome back, can i please call you tomorrow so we can arrange to catch up.. sure enough no call or msg.. just wondering should i let it be or just engage in some banter.