The Subtle Art of Sexy Conversation

August 10th, 2016 by Nick Notas 9 Comments

Gettin' hot and heavy

Let’s talk about sex, baby…

Or at least HOW you get into more sexually charged conversations with new women.

It can be intimidating to take your conversation to that level, whether it’s in-person or over text. And I know the last thing you want to do is sound like a creepy perv sending dirty texts to a girl that has no interest in you.

But please, don’t assume that it’s wrong to use sexual conversation to flirt with women. They love it too, and not just from guys who are already their boyfriends.

Sexualizing conversation is ESSENTIAL to turning a woman on and getting her excited about sex with you.

We all think about sex and hell, most of us enjoy talking about it in the right context. And that’s the key – it has to feel appropriate.

What most don’t understand is that flirting with women is all about subtlety. You have to say a lot while only saying a little.

You don’t need to blatantly state your sexual intentions. In fact, you want almost everything to be implied initially. Then, once you’ve have started hooking up with a girl or having phone sex, you can be more obvious.

Why you have to be subtle

If you’re too forward too soon, it triggers her to… 

Feel sexual shame. Many women are dealing with some sort of shame about their sexuality from family, friends, religion, or culture. Even though everyone wants sex, they may feel wrong about being “dirty” or “too easy”. If a girl is confronted with those negative thoughts and starts to question herself, that shame will almost always win out.

The best way to overcome that shame is by making her feel progressively aroused. Her positive emotions will usually overpower her negative logic. And by starting small and subtle, you give her a chance to feel sexual without getting the big red flags telling her it’s wrong to feel that way.

Think you’re attracted for the wrong reasons. Women know physical looks attract men. But a girl also wants to know that you’re excited by her specifically, not just because of her appearance or because she’s a warm body in that moment. She wants to feel like her beauty may have sparked your initial interest, but her personality and connection with you is what continues to fuel your attraction.

If you’re acting super sexual from the beginning, she knows you’re only in it to get laid. So instead, you need to show your increased interest as you get to know each other more.

Feel like she’s your “prey”. The surefire way to make a girl think you’re a creepy predator is to come on strong and then show a lack of social awareness when she doesn’t reciprocate. The intensity of your flirting should match or closely match how warm she’s responding to your early advances. Then, your banter will feel like a mutual connection (rather than just some guy blindly throwing himself at her).

Show her you’re respectful of her comfort level by letting the attraction naturally build as you flirt back and forth.

What not to do 

Use vulgar or explicit sexual language too early.

As I said, a sexual connection must grow gradually. Your flirting together must start by being implied in innuendo, understood through clever wordplay, or as playful banter. Being blunt or heavy handed takes away the mystery and can feel crude.

  • “I would love to see your ass in those yoga pants.” Instead try, “You’ll have to show me your best crane pose sometime.” (smirk)
  • “Please stop, you’re making my pants tight.” Instead try, “Please stop, it’s getting too hot in here.”
  • “I can see everything when you bend over like that.” Instead try, “Umm…I think you dropped something…you may have to do that again.”

Tell her you’ve been thinking of her sexually for a long time.

Professing such strong feelings to a female acquaintance is overwhelming and awkward. She hasn’t felt that same attraction yet. It’s much better to talk about attraction in the moment which I will describe later. For now, don’t say stuff like:

  • “I’ve been wanting you for months.”
  • “I couldn’t stop thinking about your legs since we were at that beach last summer.”
  • “Every day I see things that make me think of you.”

Send unsolicited dick pics.

I don’t know why guys ever think this will work. Most women don’t get turned on by random pictures of penises. It just feels vulgar and makes them uncomfortable because it shows you have no understanding of female arousal.

It’s all about context. A penis becomes hot when she’s already turned on by a man she desires. The only times when dick pics are acceptable are when you’re both talking about having sex and how aroused you are. Basically, she needs to give you the segue about how much she wants to turn you on or how “big” she wants to get you.

Talk about masturbating to her before phone sex or sexting.

Same rules apply as dick pics. In order to talk about you masturbating, she has to be at the point where she wants to touch herself or she wants you to do the same. She has to accept in her mind, “I want this guy so hot for me he can’t not do it.”

This is best done after you’ve already gotten her to start touching herself first (through phone sex) or if she starts hinting she wants you to go at it. Always start by getting a girl to play and then when you join in on the fun, it’s a natural progression. Reference my phone sex guide here. 

Ask her about what she gets off to, how she plays with herself, or if she takes it certain ways — unless she’s answered some more casual sexual questions prior.

These types of questions are almost purely about sexual pleasure and for getting you aroused. If she’s not already in a sexually charged state or wanting to figure out what gets you off as well, those questions make you seem like a pervert who’s only in it for himself.

Instead, start with more casual questions that focus on getting to know each other’s views or values on sex and less intimate experiences that she’s more willing to share. These questions are supposed to be out of genuine curiosity to better understand her sexual side and not just to hear her say dirty shit.

What to try

Accuse her of having a dirty mind.

Everybody has a sexual side. In the right context and when we’re comfortable, it’s fun to be “naughty”. It feels taboo and exciting.

So when she’s challenging or complimenting you, imply that you know she has more sinister intentions. Tell her that you’re on to her sneaky ways or that you’re so surprised by her secret wild side.

  • “Are you trying to get me drunk? Because it’s working.”
  • “You’re so hitting on me right now.”
  • “Awww, you’re trying to flirt with me. That’s adorable.”
  • “I can’t believe you did that…bad girl.”
  • She talks about doing something risky or adventurous, “See, I knew you had a naughty side to you.”

This can open up flirting really fast and be a silly game to play. If she enjoys it, she may reply one of two ways: she can run with it and say stuff like, “Oh no, you got me.” or “Well…maybe my mind is wandering just a little.” Or she can pretend to deny it, “What? I’m just a nice, innocent Midwestern girl.” or “Oh no not me, I only think about cute puppies and cupcakes.”

Misconstrue what she was saying or poke fun at her word choice.

This is where you take her statements and pretend like she was saying something more risqué. While accusing her of thinking dirty implies that she was intentional about it, this is more about her accidentally using more sexual language.

Pretend like she was saying something more flirtatious even when she wasn’t. Tease her about saying something that could be seen as sexual. You want her to get into a playful denial about what she was saying or try to explain herself.

  • “Is that a euphemism for something else?”
  • “You do realize that ‘delicious peach’ has a completely different meaning in other context, right?”
  • “Suuuuree you meant that.”
  • “Mhmm, I know what you were implying with ‘pillow fight’, you can’t fool me.”

Use clever wordplay.

Take the existing sentences and build silly statements from them. Think about related ideas to what’s being said. Exaggerate. Use sexual innuendo or double entendres. Find hidden meanings. Use the element of surprise.

You want to start building your wit like a good comedian would. This is the basis of a lot of my humor and how I can always find something funny or sexual in even the most seemingly mundane.  When you do this, every conversation can be hot and heavy under the radar.

  • She says something like, “I’m baking cupcakes — maybe I’ll give you one.” You say, “So then maybe if I’m lucky I’ll have my cake and eat it, too ;)”
  • She’s challenging you about your Pokemon GO skills. You say, “So you like a guy with big Pokeballs then?”
  • She says, “Careful, I’m a ferocious shark.” You reply, “So that means you must bite hard.”
  • She says, “I’m devouring these strawberries right now.” You say “Those are some lucky strawberries.” Or “I’d love to be one of those strawberries right now.”
  • She’s talking about teaching you Spanish. You say, “Can you teach me how to say, ‘Matt you are so irresistible.’”

Give her a bold compliment.

It’s generally stronger to compliment a woman based on her personality rather than physical looks. That said, a more specific or unique compliment on appearance can work well.

It helps to reiterate that you find that quality attractive in her or in general with women. You can use words like sexy, cute, or feisty. Or you can playfully state that she is making you flustered or turned on.

  • “I find a strong moral compass to be one of the most attractive qualities in a woman.”
  • “I’m helpless when a woman genuinely smiles like that all the time.”
  • “You don’t take shit from anyone, that assertiveness is sexy.”
  • “Stop being so damn witty, you’re making me all weak at the knees.”

Convey that you’re currently thinking of her in a sexual way.

While talking about how you’ve been fantasizing about her for weeks can be terrifying, suggesting that you’re thinking naughty thoughts in the moment can be quite a bold turn-on. But again, you want it to be subtle and after she’s responding well to some light physical contact or suggestive flirting as shown above.

  • “If you don’t stop teasing me, I can’t promise I’ll keep being such a nice boy.”
  • “You have no idea what I’m thinking about right now.”
  • “I have way too many terrible thoughts running through my head.”
  • “I have to stop myself before I say some bad things.”

Get into sexual conversation.

Talking about sex gets women thinking about sex. And if they’re talking about it with you, who do you think they’re going to start associating it with?

The easiest way to get into sexual conversation is through questions. You get her to open up about her sexual side and she asks you about yours.

By being able to discuss those things in a fun, positive way, you’ll reinforce that she experiences good emotions with you. She feels like you have a healthy view on sex and aren’t judgmental – which only makes her further consider getting intimate with you.

Your initial questions should be less personal and easier for her to answer. As long as she’s continuing to be vulnerable with you, you can get more intimate with your inquiries.

(Questions go from lighter to more intimate) 

  • How comfortable are you with public affection?
  • Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
  • Have you ever had a friend with benefits?
  • What unexpected place do you love being touched?
  • What’s your most awkward or embarrassing sexual experience?
  • How long do you think you could go without sex?
  • Have you ever been caught having sex?
  • Do you think porn is harmful or can it open up a person or couple’s sexuality?

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the right words can create one hell of a picture. 

Frustrated with overthinking and bland conversations? Want to have natural, flirty conversations with women? Talk to me for a free consultation.

  1. Nedelcu Vlad on August 10, 2016

    Nick, all your examples feel most suitable when you know that girl likes you, but that isn’t always the case, do you recommend this type of conversations when you’re unsure if the girl likes you?

    • Nick Notas on August 10, 2016

      Great question! These examples aren’t just for when you know she likes you, but even when you don’t. I start flirting with a girl right away and THEN I see if she’s responding well and likes me back.

      The point is that flirting creates attraction and most women won’t flirt back until you do. If you keep waiting to “get signals” she likes you, you’re often going to miss your opportunity. Further than that, you will also struggle to create the attraction that you’re looking for in the first place.

      I wrote about it more extensively here:

  2. Reese on August 10, 2016

    When I started reading pickup advice I would come on too strong because I had never even tried flirting before. It took me a while to get the hang of things.

    • Nick Notas on August 10, 2016

      Yup, it can take a bit of trial and error. You have to develop your emotional intelligence and social calibration.

      I think a lot of guys go through that same process. But, it’s always better to be a bit too forward and then scale back, than to be too timid.

  3. Abby on August 10, 2016

    I LOVE when a guy is sexy with his words and not just asking what I’m up to. Then it’s so much fun to text.

    • Nick Notas on August 10, 2016

      Who doesn’t love being playful and flirtatious over text? It’s generally a horrible means for any kind of serious communication which is better suited for in-person.

  4. Michael on August 10, 2016

    I can’t believe guys still send dick picks, but as you point out, they do. Thankfully, most of the guys I work with are more mature than this!

    Sexual teasing/talk is fun and yes, should be used early on, otherwise she’ll just see you as another ‘ho-hum’ guy.

    I recently told a girl that she “wears high heels everywhere. I bet you even wear them in bed.”

    “No, I don’t,” she said, giggling.

    “Well, you should…you’d look awesome in lingerie and heels!”

    “Is that right…what about a bikini and heels?”

    “Nah… heels and you in another woman…now that’d look hot!”

    As always, excellent advice Nick.. polished, succinct and well written, too.

    Thanks for sharing.

  5. Akshay on August 31, 2016

    Great advice Nick, pure and practical! I believe flirting is an skill (and of-course a learnable skill) You gotta be one step ahead of the conversation, surprise her after every statement she says and make her feel special. what do you think of this Nick?

  6. James on September 22, 2016

    Great article and blog Nick! I have a question about doing this with a sweet and genuinely nice girl in the following context.

    1. Met her at university in a preassigned coursework group. She had a bf (from another uni).
    2. Couldn’t help hit it off (I think she kinda admired my personality/outgoingness just as I did hers).
    3. She kept in touch after graduating over the last few years despite her emigrating. Met up in a group a few times, and then texted now and again.
    4. She seems excited to hear from me/about me. Last time, we met up briefly solo (by luck tbh, more than planning). Found out she’s become single.
    5. She’s now moving back here and is still single (has been for about a year and a half).

    I want to set the right precedent when “catching up” so to speak, what does your wise self think?
    I.e. to meet her solo and somehow sexualize it?


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