nicknotas

DATING AND CONFIDENCE CONSULTANT

How To Repair Your Relationship With Your Parents After A Rough Childhood

May 14th, 2020 by Nick Notas 1 Comments

Around 2006, I was an emotional wreck.

My family was going through deep financial hardship. I felt like we had lost everything.

My father lost his business, I lost my chance at a college education, and every month we were on the brink of losing a place to sleep.

I was angry…really angry. It wasn’t even at one thing specifically — just an ongoing frustration and rage burning within.

I took my problems out on my girlfriend and some friends. But regrettably, my parents took the real brunt of it. They would often just say something, not even worthy of a terse response, and I would blow up on them.

I’m not proud of the things I’ve said and I’ve worked damn hard to manage my emotions and the ways I express them.

It was a long journey but now my parents and I are the best we’ve ever been. Here’s what helped me process everything and repair my relationship with them. Maybe my experience can help you fix things with your folks, too.

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We Proved That Anyone Can Be Social At Our San Diego Retreat

April 23rd, 2020 by Nick Notas 0 Comments

Back in February, before we were all socially distant, we helped six men get socially close to new people in San Diego, California with our exclusive Conquer Confidence Retreat Program.

Except for our first retreat in Majorca, Spain, we’ve always stayed in the heart of a city. This time Julian recommended we go back to our roots. We chose a more secluded place in the nearby seaside community of La Jolla. La Jolla is known for having some of the most stunning beaches in California.

Being a little further out gets you a lot more — a heated pool, hot tub, pool table, fire pit, trampoline, and four large bathrooms. You don’t realize how important all those bathrooms are until you have over ten adults (including the coaching team) sharing them…

I know I say this about a lot of places, but the people in San Diego were surprisingly friendly. For example, one guy invited us to a 200-hundred person private party and multiple groups offered to smoke legal weed with us, unprompted, in the middle of the day. I guess there’s something about being in a beach town that gives people a relaxed attitude.

All this made for some of the best social outings we’ve ever had at a retreat. We researched a dozen places in Pacific Beach prior to going out for our night session. But from the very first venue, the guys hit it off with so many women we didn’t even make it to anywhere else!

Each retreat provides us with new clarity. Our interactions during this experience proved to us that some of the most common sayings are based in truth.

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The Upside Of Almost Having A Stroke During A Pandemic

April 10th, 2020 by Nick Notas 9 Comments

Facing mortality

Welcome to the end

“I think I’m having a stroke.” I stammered to my wife, struggling to get the words out.

We were watching TV when suddenly the vision in my right eye had zig zags running through it. As I gazed around, the room shifted and shimmered like a kaleidoscope.

I thought maybe something was wrong with my contacts. But then the right side of my face started tingling, almost burning. It felt like I had a novocaine shot stabbed into my face.

That same feeling moved down my body. My right arm became a weak, numb piece of meat. My right leg went limp and I couldn’t walk straight.

So when my wife rushed me to the ER, it hit me: my mortality.

It’s a really profound thing to be certain of your own death, or at least permanent damage. I’ve only experienced it once before while my car flew through the air after a high-speed collision.

On the way to the hospital, I thought, “I might die. At the very least, I’m going to be partially brain dead or disfigured.” Funnily enough, a sense of calm then washed over me. I accepted my fate.

Once we got there, my mind was a complete mess. I could barely speak. It took me a long time to respond to simple questions like my name and the current month.

Within 30 minutes, I’d gotten an IV, an EKG, an X-Ray, and a CT scan. As I laid there waiting for the results, I just wanted to hear from the people I loved. I used my left arm to call my parents, my brother, and my wife who had to wait in the car because they didn’t allow visitors during this quarantine.

It was tough to hear my family holding back tears and trying to keep it together. It was even harder to think, “I wonder if this is the last time I’ll recognize their voices.”

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Why Is Eye Contact Important Anyway?

February 20th, 2020 by Nick Notas 5 Comments

Good eye contact

“You’ve to look people in the eyes.”

“Always hold eye contact when you introduce yourself.”

“Eye contact is the key to a good first impression.”

By the time I was 21, I had heard everything self-improvement advice had to say about the importance of eye contact.

And even though it was repeated over and over, I still dismissed it. It just wasn’t a high priority for me at the time.

I see this same mentality in the guys who come to me for help. While walking around Barcelona, I encouraged a client to commit to making strong eye contact with the women he greeted. He was feeling a bit overwhelmed, flustered, and finally burst out, “What’s the big deal with eye contact? Why are we focusing on this so much?”

I thought about how to explain the deeper reasoning to him. I wanted him to know that eye contact is SO much more than just a skill to practice. It’s a heartfelt way of expressing yourself and meaningfully communicating with other people.

I wanted him to really understand the old adage, “the eyes are the windows to the soul.”

Looking someone in the eyes isn’t just a cool trick to appear more confident. It’s a fundamental component of human connection. It’s how you build trust, create intimacy, and reveal your inner strength.

So today, my goal is to show you how a lifelong commitment to eye contact will profoundly transform your relationships.

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How to Spark a Connection When There Isn’t One

January 22nd, 2020 by Nick Notas 6 Comments

The sparks are here

I’ve heard it time and time again…

“We’ve gone on a couple of dates but I still don’t feel any chemistry. We’re just missing that spark, you know?”

The spark. The spark. Oh that elusive spark.

You can’t put your finger on it…but you KNOW when it’s there and you definitely know when it’s not.

But…do you really know how to spot a spark?

I’ve noticed a problem guys encounter in dating: they think that a spark naturally just “happens”. And when it doesn’t happen, they think it wasn’t meant to be.

I hear guys recount stories about how they found a woman attractive but the overall vibe wasn’t there. And they feel like there was absolutely nothing they could do to change the situation — it was up to fate to make them feel something more.

I’m here to argue AGAINST fate. I’m telling you that a lot of the time, you can create the spark yourself — it’s just hiding underneath the surface. All it needs is a little kindling, a little TLC, and a small flame to get it going.

Don’t give up so easily on a connection that could just need a little more stoking to ignite. Make the most of your opportunities and learn how to build that chemistry for yourself. 

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5 Lies You Tell Yourself About Meeting Women

December 11th, 2019 by Nick Notas 6 Comments

Lying to yourself

Putting yourself out there in new social situations is hard.

It’s even harder when you’re putting yourself out there to find new romantic connections. You’re exposing yourself to potential judgement, rejection, and heartbreak.

So to protect yourself, it’s natural to tell yourself made-up stories. You think it’s not worth trying or nobody will be interested anyway. You insist that NOT going for it is the safest and most reasonable course of action.

And over time, it gets easier and easier to truly believe these lies…right down to your core.

At some point, you become convinced that it’s pointless to try and meet new women. You spend years, even decades, unconsciously making excuses and avoiding action at all costs.

That’s why I’m here to help you poke holes in your carefully constructed lies and excuses.

I’ve got a few hypothetical questions for you to ask yourself. I’m going to make you look at your situation from different, but still plausible, angles. That’s how you’ll recognize whether or not your excuses are rooted in truth or fear.

Right here, right now…be honest with yourself.

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The 5 Biggest Breakthroughs Men Got From Our Madrid Retreat

November 24th, 2019 by Nick Notas 0 Comments

Nick Julian Krissi Reconnected Conquer Confidence Madrid

Note: This article was originally written for Reconnected — a new connection coaching company founded by Julian Reisinger and me.

In September, Julian and I hosted our confidence retreat in Madrid, Spain with Kristina coaching alongside us.

Madrid has everything you’d expect about Spain. Warm weather, even warmer people, and legendary food. Even the non-Spanish cuisine was epic. We visited a Japanese restaurant that we all agreed was one of the top meals of our lives.

And yes, it’s true that just about everyone, man or woman, is ridiculously stylish and good-looking.

But for me, all that is not what makes Madrid special. It’s the fact that Madrid has one foot in the past and one foot reaching out into endless new futures.

When you’re in the main shopping areas, you see the most opulent architecture all around you.

I’m talking about fortresses the size of city blocks, intricate molding over every facade, and enormous statues looming over you. I can’t even imagine what some of these buildings would cost in today’s dollars. I mean, who has a seven-story Zara with marble staircases?!?

View from the clients’ apartment

But then you walk five to ten minutes in any direction and you’re transported to another world. Every neighborhood is completely different from one another. The cuisine, culture, and demographics change from one street to the next.

You can go from business to bohemian, punk to hipster, down-home to luxury in no time.

All this means is that Madrid is a city where you can discover yourself and find your tribe. And for us that provided the perfect backdrop for men stepping into their own brand of confidence.

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The Real Reason She’s Not Responding to Your Texts

October 24th, 2019 by Nick Notas 5 Comments

Exasperated texting

“Here’s what I texted her…” he said as he handed me his phone, exasperated.

I was having coffee with a client. He was frustrated because he met a woman at a food hall the day before, messaged her later, and never heard back.

I looked at his phone. The screen read…

“It was great meeting you today. Have fun at your friend’s party and we’ll catch up soon.”

He flew into a fury of questions. “Nick, what did I say wrong? Was I too boring? Did I text too soon? Did I seem too eager and desperate?”

He wanted an answer.

He wanted me to tell him how to fix his texting so this would never happen again. And he hoped it was still possible to salvage the situation with this girl.

The truth is, the text he sent was generic. A lot of guys send similar messages that don’t stand stand out. He could have sent a more personal follow-up message that built rapport with her.

Still, despite that, I told him, “Your text was fine. I guarantee you it had ZERO to do with her not replying.” That’s the same answer I tell every guy in these situations.

Because if a woman you just met or had a first date with isn’t responding to your texts…

It’s not about the texts. It’s never about the texts.
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How to End a Relationship With Love and Compassion

September 15th, 2019 by Jason Connell 6 Comments

Dealing with a breakup

Today’s article on navigating breakups comes from my close friend Jason Connell. Jason is a psychotherapist and meditation teacher in training. He is also a world-class consultant in leadership and professional speaking. He’s always thoughtful and he’s the perfect person to tackle this sensitive subject.

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Earlier this year: I’ve failed. In my hand is a note that reads, “My intention is to be my best self. To be loving and gentle until the last moment.”

Like an asshole, I did the opposite. I came in guns blazing and left cold, angry, and closed. We both knew the relationship was over; there was no need for hostility.

I muster whatever energy I can and text her, “Hey. I kinda messed that up. I assume you’ll say no to this, but is there any chance I can come back over? There were so many things about you and us that really made an amazing difference in my life and I wanted to share those too before we fully said goodbye. Certainly do what’s best for you, but if it’s at all possible, I’d love to end on a better note, one that’s more reflective of what you were to me.”

To my delight, A* texted back saying she felt the same way. We spent an hour on her balcony, holding hands, drinking wine, watching the sun set over the Rockies, and reminiscing about the good parts.

We kissed, referenced a joke from the beginning, and said goodbye.

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5 Dating Lessons From the Infinite Wisdom of the Band Tool

August 30th, 2019 by Nick Notas 2 Comments

Photo Credit: Tool

Thirteen years. Thirteen LONG years I’ve been waiting for the next album by the rock band Tool. That day has finally come with their release of Fear Inoculum (Spotify or Apple Music).

Tool is infamous for poetic, profound, thought-provoking lyrics around life’s deepest subjects. As ridiculous as it sounds, I owe a lot of my personal transformation to them.

My brother introduced me to Tool when I was eight years old. Over the next decade, their lyrics made me curious about concepts such as challenging the status quo, forgiveness, humility, seeking external approval vs self-acceptance, spiritual growth, and seeing past our limits.

But what makes Tool really special to me is that their messages have been both timeless and perfectly timed to each stage of my development. Even now, their current work revolves a lot around developing more human connections — which, of course, is my passion!

I recently listened to the lead singer, Maynard James Keenan, on the Joe Rogan podcast. He expressed how we all need to reconnect with people and communities in the real world. He was concerned about how online networks leave us more disconnected and fearful of others.

Then Keenan shared a new idea for a reality show. He suggested that someone should get six people in a room together with strong opposing views. Then allow those people to eventually accept each other through shared values.

Wait a sec…that’s exactly what we’ve been doing at my retreats!

We get 6-8 people in a room from every background imaginable. And over four days, they become incredibly close. Because despite their differences, they all want to find self-acceptance and build meaningful romantic relationships.

So if you haven’t heard Tool before, let me inspire you to give them a listen. While I love all their work, I chose lyrics from five songs off my favorite album, Lateralus, to showcase their dating wisdom.  

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