Preparing for sex with a new partner can feel like preparing for war.

Honestly, there are few moments in life when men feel that same intense feeling of dread. I’ve seen men getting ready for a date with a woman with their hands shaking and ready to puke like they’re about to storm the beaches of Normandy.

They even go through the same processes…

They psyche themselves up to embrace their courage. They try to strategize the tactics they’ll need to be their most effective in battle. And then they consider an escape plan for when things go wrong.

But that will never make you eager to jump in bed with someone! That pressure just stresses you out and causes massive performance anxiety.

Who wants to start off their romps like that?

Luckily, I want to show you that your concerns are largely unfounded. The path to everyone having a great time in bed is simpler than you think.

It’s about stripping away all the bullshit of what women are expecting from you.

Here are 6 truths to overcome your sexual performance anxiety with new women.

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There was a time when I loved digesting every little thing about dating. It was all so addictive.

When you first discover you CAN actively get better with women and grow your confidence, it feels like uncovering ancient texts to find the holy grail.

You become obsessed thinking that if you just find the right text, the right question, or the right way to ask a girl out — you, too, can become a Casanova. You’re convinced that all you need is a few small tweaks, tips, and tricks, and women will fall at your feet.

Here’s the problem: this mindset is actually destroying your results. Because women are human. They are complex, nuanced creatures like everyone else. And making real connections and developing lasting confidence requires depth.

When you’re focused on instant gratification, you’re screwing yourself for the long-term.

This is why I spend SO much time trying to convince men…

The minutiae doesn’t matter.

A woman didn’t decline giving you her number because your introductory sentence wasn’t exciting enough. You didn’t lose contact with a girl after a date because of a boring text. You don’t need to know the exact timing of when to make a move on a date.

Instead, you need to shift your mindset.

Let go of the short-sighted, quick-fix, do-anything-for-women mentality. Start thinking about your long-term, big picture, epic journey to personal growth.

Here are the 3 big mindset shifts to become your most attractive self.

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Confession: I used to be a professional pickup artist.

Yes, I read women’s palms and rehearsed ridiculous lines that other men claimed were the secret to getting laid.

I even used a “cool” pseudonym, Niko.

But, that was a lifetime ago. I’ve spent the past twelve years teaching men to honestly know themselves and communicate with integrity. I’ve written healthy, effective dating advice that treats women with respect.

Yet still, month after month, men ask me about my journey as a certified PUA.

They’re fascinated by what I’ve learned, the stories I can tell, and what it was really like working as a coach for various companies.

In truth, the pickup community did teach me about the critical roles that leadership, non-verbal communication, and flirting have in creating attraction. It helped me find other men who wanted to go out and challenge their comfort zones, too.

But most importantly, it made me believe.

It made me believe that I had the capacity to proactively improve myself to become more appealing and social. It planted the seed that I could learn the art of human connection and talk to whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

For this, I will be forever grateful.

Despite that, when someone asks me, “What was it like being a pickup artist?” my gut response is…

Weird. Really fucking weird.

Because during my time as a PUA, I experienced many surreal moments that made me question what I was doing. So much so that I eventually got disgusted with it all and left to start my own practice.

So today, instead of sharing some wild and crazy success stories, I’d like to share the times when I saw major red flags in the industry. I want to show you why I don’t teach pickup today.

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Yuck. I want to throw up.

Why would I write this garbage?

Articles about “How to Drive Women Wild” are some of the most clichéd and overdone ideas. Everybody has one.

And that’s exactly why I wanted to write this. I wanted to do it justice.

Because I got to be honest, I think most people who write about this miss the mark. They rehash the same generic advice on a subject that’s really important to guys who are dating someone new.

The men reading just want to keep the passion alive. They know how critical it is to make the connection exciting early on.

So as a long-time dating coach, I feel it’s my duty to right this wrong. After tens of thousands of hours helping people improve their dating life — I’m going to reveal all the trade secrets.

I guarantee I have a unique perspective you won’t want to miss.

Here are the top 20 ways men can drive women wild. REALLY wild.

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You’ve got a date coming up. You’re anxious about taking things to the next level and having sex with her for the first time.

Well, let’s get it out in the open…

The first time you have sex with a new woman is always going to suck.

But it will suck relatively. It will suck compared to the sex you’ll have together as you continue to get comfortable with each other.

This is completely normal.

The first time is inevitably filled with anxiety and awkwardness. It’s hard to be fully present in the moment and you don’t yet know all the little things that turn each other on.

Once you have sex a handful of times, however, you both will become more more in tune with pleasing one another and sharing how you feel. This increase in comfort paves the way for a dramatic increase in arousal.

Women know this process takes time! They aren’t expecting you to be a total sex god right out of the gate.

Yet so many men put a TON of pressure on themselves to provide women with legendary sex from the start. This alone is what causes them so much stress and performance anxiety.

And what’s the end result? Men struggle to rise to the occasion or enjoy themselves, which leads to the exact disappointing experience they were so terrified of having in the first place.

So I want to show you how to create the best possible first sexual experience for everyone. And that starts by doing the opposite of what you think you should do.

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Around 2006, I was an emotional wreck.

My family was going through deep financial hardship. I felt like we had lost everything.

My father lost his business, I lost my chance at a college education, and every month we were on the brink of losing a place to sleep.

I was angry…really angry. It wasn’t even at one thing specifically — just an ongoing frustration and rage burning within.

I took my problems out on my girlfriend and some friends. But regrettably, my parents took the real brunt of it. They would often just say something, not even worthy of a terse response, and I would blow up on them.

I’m not proud of the things I’ve said and I’ve worked damn hard to manage my emotions and the ways I express them.

It was a long journey but now my parents and I are the best we’ve ever been. Here’s what helped me process everything and repair my relationship with them. Maybe my experience can help you fix things with your folks, too.

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Back in February, before we were all socially distant, we helped six men get socially close to new people in San Diego, California with our exclusive Conquer Confidence Retreat Program.

Except for our first retreat in Majorca, Spain, we’ve always stayed in the heart of a city. This time Julian recommended we go back to our roots. We chose a more secluded place in the nearby seaside community of La Jolla. La Jolla is known for having some of the most stunning beaches in California.

Being a little further out gets you a lot more — a heated pool, hot tub, pool table, fire pit, trampoline, and four large bathrooms. You don’t realize how important all those bathrooms are until you have over ten adults (including the coaching team) sharing them…

I know I say this about a lot of places, but the people in San Diego were surprisingly friendly. For example, one guy invited us to a 200-hundred person private party and multiple groups offered to smoke legal weed with us, unprompted, in the middle of the day. I guess there’s something about being in a beach town that gives people a relaxed attitude.

All this made for some of the best social outings we’ve ever had at a retreat. We researched a dozen places in Pacific Beach prior to going out for our night session. But from the very first venue, the guys hit it off with so many women we didn’t even make it to anywhere else!

Each retreat provides us with new clarity. Our interactions during this experience proved to us that some of the most common sayings are based in truth.

Welcome to the end

“I think I’m having a stroke.” I stammered to my wife, struggling to get the words out.

We were watching TV when suddenly the vision in my right eye had zig zags running through it. As I gazed around, the room shifted and shimmered like a kaleidoscope.

I thought maybe something was wrong with my contacts. But then the right side of my face started tingling, almost burning. It felt like I had a novocaine shot stabbed into my face.

That same feeling moved down my body. My right arm became a weak, numb piece of meat. My right leg went limp and I couldn’t walk straight.

So when my wife rushed me to the ER, it hit me: my mortality.

It’s a really profound thing to be certain of your own death, or at least permanent damage. I’ve only experienced it once before while my car flew through the air after a high-speed collision.

On the way to the hospital, I thought, “I might die. At the very least, I’m going to be partially brain dead or disfigured.” Funnily enough, a sense of calm then washed over me. I accepted my fate.

Once we got there, my mind was a complete mess. I could barely speak. It took me a long time to respond to simple questions like my name and the current month.

Within 30 minutes, I’d gotten an IV, an EKG, an X-Ray, and a CT scan. As I laid there waiting for the results, I just wanted to hear from the people I loved. I used my left arm to call my parents, my brother, and my wife who had to wait in the car because they didn’t allow visitors during this quarantine.

It was tough to hear my family holding back tears and trying to keep it together. It was even harder to think, “I wonder if this is the last time I’ll recognize their voices.”

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“You’ve to look people in the eyes.”

“Always hold eye contact when you introduce yourself.”

“Eye contact is the key to a good first impression.”

By the time I was 21, I had heard everything self-improvement advice had to say about the importance of eye contact.

And even though it was repeated over and over, I still dismissed it. It just wasn’t a high priority for me at the time.

I see this same mentality in the guys who come to me for help. While walking around Barcelona, I encouraged a client to commit to making strong eye contact with the women he greeted. He was feeling a bit overwhelmed, flustered, and finally burst out, “What’s the big deal with eye contact? Why are we focusing on this so much?”

I thought about how to explain the deeper reasoning to him. I wanted him to know that eye contact is SO much more than just a skill to practice. It’s a heartfelt way of expressing yourself and meaningfully communicating with other people.

I wanted him to really understand the old adage, “the eyes are the windows to the soul.”

Looking someone in the eyes isn’t just a cool trick to appear more confident. It’s a fundamental component of human connection. It’s how you build trust, create intimacy, and reveal your inner strength.

So today, my goal is to show you how a lifelong commitment to eye contact will profoundly transform your relationships.

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I’ve heard it time and time again…

“We’ve gone on a couple of dates but I still don’t feel any chemistry. We’re just missing that spark, you know?”

The spark. The spark. Oh that elusive spark.

You can’t put your finger on it…but you KNOW when it’s there and you definitely know when it’s not.

But…do you really know how to spot a spark?

I’ve noticed a problem guys encounter in dating: they think that a spark naturally just “happens”. And when it doesn’t happen, they think it wasn’t meant to be.

I hear guys recount stories about how they found a woman attractive but the overall vibe wasn’t there. And they feel like there was absolutely nothing they could do to change the situation — it was up to fate to make them feel something more.

I’m here to argue AGAINST fate. I’m telling you that a lot of the time, you can create the spark yourself — it’s just hiding underneath the surface. All it needs is a little kindling, a little TLC, and a small flame to get it going.

Don’t give up so easily on a connection that could just need a little more stoking to ignite. Make the most of your opportunities and learn how to build that chemistry for yourself. 

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