How to Save a Girl From a Bad Relationship

December 30th, 2014 by Nick Notas 15 Comments

Saving This Girl

I’ve heard the story dozens of times.

You like a girl who constantly complains about her horrible boyfriend. He does everything wrong.

He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t pay enough attention. He’s rude and can be a real jerk. 

You’re different, though. She tells you that you’re the perfect guy. You’re the one who’s always there for her. Sometimes, you may even be her cuddle buddy and take her out when her boyfriend doesn’t.

The answer is so obvious — she should be with you instead! You’re the guy who will treat her right, if only she could see that.

So you try to comfort her and convince her to leave him. You tell her that everything will be better. Her friends and parents say the same thing.

When you ask her about leaving him, she tells you, “It’s complicated.” She says, “it’s not the right time” — usually because her boyfriend is going through a rough patch. They have a history together. It’s always going to happen “next week” or “soon.”

But for some reason…she never breaks it off.

Why doesn’t she leave?

It’s because deep down she doesn’t want to. She’s not ready, at least not yet.

It’s almost always because she’s still attracted to him. She still has romantic feelings. She’s been with him for years and they have a history together.

What she’s missing with him is a stable, emotional connection. And how convenient, you’re there to fulfill her emotional needs by being her shoulder to cry on. In the meantime, she’ll continue having sex with her boyfriend that she “hates” so much.

The harsh truth is, she desires him more than you. If she wanted you so bad, she’d be dating and hooking up with you instead.

She’s not the victim you think she is

She’s not a victim just because she’s dating a so-called “jerk”. She willingly chose to be with him, and every day chooses to stay with him. 

No matter how many times she comes running to you crying, she still runs back into his arms. 

So please, don’t delude yourself into believing she’s an innocent damsel in distress. She’s equally responsible for the drama-filled relationship, too.

However, the exception is when she really is a victim of abuse. If she fears for her safety, she’ll go to the police with you and get a restraining order. But if she always puts off taking any action, she’s not committed to leaving him.

She has friends, family, and you, all encouraging her to move on. If she wanted to walk away, she would.

Stop being the knight in shining armor

I’ve never seen a girl switch to the guy she’s been crying to.

You are not positioning yourself as a sexual prospect. You are not turning her on in a romantic way. You are the guy she can count on to console her. You’re trying to “nice” your way into her pants.

Attraction doesn’t work like that. It’s an emotion she needs to feel around you.

You build attraction by flirting. By being fun and adventurous. By leading and being assertive with your intentions. By creating a sexual dynamic between the two of you.

It’s great that you care and want to be an emotional support. But if you ever want women to desire you as an intimate partner, you need to be a lover first and foremost. Only then can you be there for her when she needs it.

So I ask you…why her?

Why are you chasing this specific girl? Because she’s so incredible and better than every other option out there?

If you answered yes, I’m calling bullshit.

You want a girl who stays with a man who treats her like crap? Who badmouths her own partner to other people? Worst of all…who cheats on her boyfriend?

Because that’s what she’s doing. She’s emotionally cheating on him with you. And if she’s ever done anything romantic with you (cuddle or kissed), she’s physically cheating, too.

Would that guy would be fine knowing that his girlfriend is pouring her heart out to another guy? Or that she’s been trash-talking him behind his back?

Hell no!

So what does that say about her? What does that say about you?

Right now, she’s not acting like a high-quality woman. She’s not a catch. She’s not in a good place if she does all these things.

She needs time to grow. Because, guess what? Even if by some miracle you two got together, she’s probably going to end up doing the same thing to you.

So, the real reasons why you’re chasing her are:

  1. You’re willing to settle for less. You don’t value yourself or have a high level of self-respect.
  2. You think she’s hot and are afraid you won’t get the chance with another girl as physically attractive.
  3. You’re protecting your ego. You’ve invested so much in this girl and can’t bear to lose her. You have to win, otherwise you see yourself as a failure.

All of these come from a place of neediness. And they’re all unhealthy ways to start a relationship.

There are so many attractive women in the world, stop living with a desperate mentality. You’re not less if you don’t get this girl. You’re less if you’re obsessing over a low-quality woman who doesn’t respect herself.

And unfortunately, you’re probably more interested in the idea of her rather than her.

What do you do now?

I know from experience that most of you still won’t give up on this girl. Every time I give this kind of advice, guys acknowledge it, and then ask…

“Okay, you’re right. But…do you still think there’s a chance? Is there anything I can do to get her?”

Maybe you think she’s just misunderstood and needs to experience a great guy. Maybe you think this time will be different. Maybe you think she’s different.

Alright, well…

You’ve probably already told her you want to be with her, right? And even if you haven’t, she knows you want her. She’s not stupid.

She also knows by now how she feels about you. She knows if she’d ever be romantic with you. So stop thinking about how to convince her to break it off. 

The only person who can make her leave is her. She has to decide that’s what she truly wants to do. Trying to convince her before she’s at that point is hopeless. She’ll say, “You’re so right…” and then keep going back to him.

The only person who’s going to lose out is you. You’ll be wasting your time and energy on an unavailable girl. You’re going to become frustrated and resentful.

So the only things you can do are…

  1. See if she’s actually interested in you. Invite her out alone with you. Flirt, touch, and if she responds wellgo for a kiss. If she’s even remotely interested, she’ll kiss you back.

    But, this means she’d be cheating on her boyfriend. Ask yourself, is this the way you want to start a relationship with her?

  2. Move on. If she doesn’t kiss you or you don’t want to start a relationship with cheating, focus on the countless other attractive women that are out there.

    This girl knows you like her. If she breaks up with her boyfriend and wants to be with you, she can choose to do so.

So if you didn’t get it by now…

It’s not your responsibility to save a girl from a bad relationship. She needs to save herself first. 

It’s time you meet attractive, available women. Let’s get started with a free consultation.

  1. Angela on December 30, 2014

    As a girl…ouch. But I can see how frustrating the situation can be from a guy’s point of view. I think you brought up a lot of controversial points and are being brutally honest. Pretty cool!

    • Nick Notas on December 30, 2014

      Hey Angela,


      Being blunt is my job. I have to say the things that friends or many others won’t say, but people often need to hear.

      • Manish on October 11, 2015

        Hey Nick..I want ur help buddy…there is a girl whom I love but she is in relationship with a guy and that guy has even told her he will not marry her coz he can’t tell his dad that he loves someone..though he is in relationship with her from quite a few years..but even he is going along with her and giving her emotional lectures…what should i do in this case

  2. Lin on December 30, 2014

    You’re so right. I’ve been there before and this answer was there in my mind but I refused to believe it. Thank you for putting it out there. This is truth, and very real. You are doing an amazing job, please keep it up.

    • Nick Notas on December 30, 2014

      You’re very welcome Lin, glad I could shed some light on your previous situation. Thanks for the support and encouragement.

  3. Niel on December 30, 2014

    Man, You are just unbelievable!! Everytime i read your articles, the fact that you are so spot on about a lot of things that happen in my relationships, amazes me to the point of being creeped out! 🙂

    This article is an eye opener for the countless ‘nice guys’ who fall into this and mess up their lives. So well written, point blank and precise while handling a controversial subject. I wish i could take a 100 print outs of this and pin it to the desks of all the guys i know are going through this!!

    Keep up the incredible work!

    • Nick Notas on January 1, 2015

      Haha, I know I’m resonating with people when they feel like I’ve read their mind. Glad you liked the article so much Niel and will do.

  4. seymoure on January 6, 2015

    Dear Nick, you’ve done it again. Spoken the true words that need to be heard. You are so right on. In such situations the girl knows she can call the back up guy and he will jump. Such girls are almost always suffering from low self esteem and low self image or they wouldn’t be with a man like that for 1 second. In such situations even if she left the boyfriend, she would just go out with someone else other than the back up guy.

  5. seymoure on January 6, 2015

    Question for me remains, what about in cases where this same girl was at one time with the 2nd guy ?? meaning she was with the 2nd guy in a romantic relationship but gave up on him because he did not commit to her and so she found the boyfriend with whom she is with presently, but still is in contact with the 2nd guy she left.

  6. Parker on March 6, 2015

    Actually i’m going through a similar situation now I only realized what i dragging my self into.Thanks Nick.Keep on posting

  7. Sean on April 11, 2015

    I’ve been living this for the last year. I finally said I can’t be her “friend” this week. She placed some huge guilt trips on me and it’s been tough because I want so bad to go back. But I told her I can’t give her a place of priority. That place should only be for a woman that desires the same thing with me.

  8. Stever on September 3, 2015

    And you get a follow ha, like your wittyness/honesty about chicks/needy guys.

  9. Bobby on October 15, 2015

    Dear Nick,

    I’m actually almost in the same situation. Currently we are in a complicated situation. We were going steady for 5 years and we have a baby of 2 years old. Until numerous arguments and fights occured during our 4-5 years of our relationship. After me getting fed up. I insisted on going out more with my friends (even though she does not want me to go out but I still insisted) have a drink and play games.She got fed up after a month of not giving her what she wants like a little intimate morning, staying in the house and have a good time with her (although we do have sex during the weekends due to rest day from work). She told me she got fed up. Then she told me she was into flirting other guys via chat (Although there may be a chance where they will meet if ever they go to the philippines). She does want me but only spends so little time with me and so little intimate time with me. (although we do have sex) There was also a time where she felt sad wherein her guy chatmate is not giving her enough attention. She fell for him for a week but later moved on due to my “being there to comfort her”. It sucks really. she wants to have an open relationship with me but I don’t really like this. I’m just doing this because I love her and I don’t want to have my daughter have a broken family. I got fed up and separated from her. But I really do want to save my family but she won’t even listen to me. She wants to explore and enjoy life even if she is a mother. She said she still loves me but there is no assurance that she won’t fall again to another guy. she keeps on looking for other guys. But still comes back in my arms whenever I’m at her house (well due to the fact that my body is getting pumped and after days of not talking to her) but she still insist on flirting other guys. What should I do? It’s driving me nuts.

    • Bobby on October 15, 2015

      By The way I’m 24 and she’s 20. We are not yet married

  10. Taylor on October 31, 2015

    Ok ok… I have a question.
    So I started talking to this girl and felt bad that she was being treated so badly and she would show me messages from her boyfriend. Very hurtful things. Anyhow she ends up breaking up with him and I take her out to make her feel better. Nothing more than friends but to just to help her get he mind off it all. We end up flirting a little bit and go to a football game. End of the night comes and she kisses me.

    Next day she calls me up asking if she can come over to a party I was having. Sure thing =) well we have this party and she started crying. I wrapped her in my arms and asked what’s going on. She said she was still upset about the breakup. Ok well that’s understandable. End of the night comes again and things get pretty serious to where we were kissing and hugging each other for 10 minutes. Well things are going great that night…FaceTiming and then we call it a night.
    This is where my question pops up. Next day I talked to off and on all day because she was busy. I text her to check up on her. “Hey, hanging in there?” Get a response with yeah… I guess. I asked “what’s going on?” She told me that she had talked to her ex and they were going to work things out.

    Well here we are a week later. She complained all week that he kept bring up the breakup. I told her if he actually wants things to work out then he’ll drop it and not talk about that. Well she brought up that complicated crap like you said. Meanwhile her parents and friends are telling her that she would be happier without him.

    Those few days she was gone from him she was the happiest girl in the world.

    So I know this sounds stupid or whatever. So yeah it’s considered cheating pretty much. But she broke up with him to move on. But idk if her hanging out with me made her think about him or whatever. I just feel bad and wanna pull her out that relationship. I really like her and she obviously knows that. So I just wondered what you thought about it. Sorry this is so long… Thanks Taylor


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