If You Aren’t Flirting, Neither is She
Alex was a frustrated mechanical engineer. Every girl he liked saw him as just a friend. They never flirted with him and there was no romantic connection.
Alex became bitter and angry towards these women. He blamed them for his lack of dating success.
I told him to send me some of his text messages, online dating exchanges, and a summary of his first dates. It was immediately clear to me where he was making his mistakes.
I asked him, “Why do you think these girls aren’t flirting with you?”
He replied, “Because I’m an engineer. I have a nerdy, uncool job. I’m not tall or muscular and I wear glasses. Mostly because I’m nice and I’ve realized that girls only want assholes.”
I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with any of that. Plenty of women will like you but not until you stop treating them as friends. Completely platonic talk gets you nowhere.
You’re not being honest with the type of relationship you want. Your intentions are ambiguous. You don’t show your interest in them from the start and therefore aren’t allowing them to be interested in you.
You need to flirt with them so they feel they have permission to flirt back. They need to get excited, laugh, and be turned on around you to see you as a potential sexual partner.”
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Of course, he didn’t believe me. So we setup a Skype session and he shared his screen. Using his OKCupid account, he picked out a cute girl and I started a live chat with her.
For demonstration purposes, I pushed harder than I normally would. You could safely reduce the sexual forwardness in this conversation by half and still be effective. The point was to show him that being too forward is better than playing it too safe. And that the acceptable amount of flirting is higher than you think.
Me: I’m going to have to fight you on the hottest buns competition
[She had a picture of a sign that said “hottest buns” and she was pointing to her butt.]
Her: we’d have to collect a jury of our peers
Her: to judge the competition
Me: but they’d have be non-biased so we’d have to find third parties that don’t know either of us
[Roleplaying with her.]
Her: solicit some strangers
Me: start shaking our ass at them, “hey, hey, sexy buns competition right here”
Me: our ass, as if we had one ass, united
[Poking fun at my typo.]
Me: actually im out, I don’t know if I can handle Siamese butts
Her: its ok, they wont be twins because mines better
Me: put your booty where my mouth is
[She’s teasing me so I challenge her back and make a statement of interest.]
Me: how’s it feel to be back in the steak world
[She wrote about recently ending her vegetarian streak and falling in love with steak.]
Her: i don’t even know what to say because the conversation is just going to go down from here
Her: i just ate one
Her: like 5 minutes ago
Me: wow, you thought we’d have a terrible convo
Me: I’m so hurt now
[Teasing her for what I interpreted as resistance.]
Her: no it was just so perfect
Her: too much pressure
[Her qualifying (explaining) herself, complimenting me, and investing back in me.]
Me: haha I’m flattered, it was mostly you
Me: You’re fun, makes it easy
[Positively reinforcing her opening up to me.]
Her: thanks 🙂
Her: you as well
Me: Mmm what’s your favorite steak cut?
[Building connection (rapport) by asking her about herself.]
Her: i honestly don’t know my steak cuts very well
Her: this one that i bought was just a thin cut
Her: too thin i think, i couldn’t cook it to be as rare as i wanted because i looked away for a sec and it was done
Me: man, you’re a home chef who had the confidence to admit what you didn’t know
Me: instead of bsing it to me, much respect
[Telling her I appreciate her honesty.]
Her: yeah you know
Her: what cut? the… meat part of the cow.
[Her being vulnerable and poking fun at herself, a very good sign.]
Me: I sometimes eat a steak and think how good it is
Me: that I would walk up to a cow and just take a bite nonchalantly
Her: oh man
Me: I imagine that they wouldn’t get hurt. She’s just like “hey, how’s it taste today?”
Her: since i started eating red meat again
Me: and I’d say “awesome Ms. Cow, awesome”
[Relating back with my own love for steak.]
Her: i am obsessed
Her: i feel the same
Her: i could eat a cow
Her: after apologizing first
Me: haha ….maybe
Me: Have you tried Ruth’s Chris?
Her: no, it sounds fancy
Her: what is it?
Me: it’s a fancy steakhouse chain but not lame. In fact, it beats pretty much every other steak I’ve tried in Boston
Me: they flash cook it in a special 2000 degree oven, then drop it on butter so it sizzles in deliciousness all the way to your mouth
Her: oh my gosh.
Her: i drooled.
Me: is it weird that I’m slightly turned on by that 😛
[Teasing and showing interest.]
[She asks to clarify. Many guys would back down but I hold true to what I said.]
Me: yeah nothing sexier than awkwardly drooling on yourself
Her: yeah just like
Her: which is what i think drooling sounds like
[She accepts my flirtation.]
Me: please stop, the heat is getting too intense
Her: yeah whoa
Me: I’m feeling a little medium rare if you know what I’m sayin
[I continue to push with more sexual playfulness and innuendo.]
Her: chicka bow wow
Me: so tell me a bit about yourself, what are you passionate about?
[I ease off the flirting and ask her something personal. I want her to know that I’m interested in her and not just sex.]
Her: well, i’m an animator
Her: and in addition to it being my major, it’s also my hobby
[She opens up and invests in me.]
Me: mhmm, I saw that
Her: i’m lucky to be so into what i do
Me: that’s rare, I can tell you’re very driven with it
[Approving of her investing in me.]
Her: it’s just so fun!
Her: i went to see ice age 4 today
Me: I missed out on Ice Age 3
Me: how was it
Her: oh my gosh
Her: ice age 3 is my favorite of the series
Her: by far
Me: we’ll have to watch it then
[Pushing to meet up and assuming she already wants to hang out.]
Her: i have it
Her: sort of
[Her telling me she has it available.]
Me: Okay, be there in 20
Her: have a copy on my computer
[Playfully implying we’re going to see each other that night.]
Me: Whoa whoa
Me: u download ILLEGALLY?
Her: no it was given to me
Her: by someone who does
Me: I knew you had a bad side
[Making a statement that she has a wild side.]
Her: maybe a little
Her: i will remain mysterious for now
[She shyly admit her wild side.]
Me: Well, now you’re just going to make me want to find out
[Direct statement of intent.]
Her: my evil plan succeeded
[Her accepting my advance and flirting back.]
Me: to lure me into your house and watch ice age 3?
Me: I’m too clever for your tricks
Her: everyone i know is tired of my talking about that movie
Her: so a new audience is always needed
Me: not me
Her: hence the plan
[Her stating that we’re going to meet.]
Me: What area of Boston are you in
[Asking her personal details for logistics.]
Her: over on mission hill
[She invests and tells me, a sign she’s comfortable.]
Her: how bout you?
Me: Back bay
Her: very nice
Her: i like back bay
Me: what’re your roommates going to think about a stranger coming over to watch ice age 3
[Being very forward for the same night meetup. Normally wouldn’t push like that as I knew she would likely be too nervous to invite me right over. But I wanted to show that even if you escalate too far, it often doesn’t matter.]
Her: we’re in the middle of admiring the butts in olympic volleyball
Her: i dont know if we want to interrupt
[She’s hesitating to meet up. I back down to ease off the pressure and switch to being playful.]
Me: female or male butts
Her: is there male volleyball?
Me: yup yup
Me: not as fun to watch though
[Being open about liking female volleyball players.]
Her: do they wear the short shorts?
Me: who wears short shorts?
Me: and yes, yes they do lol
Her: wait really
Me: haha yeah, i just struck a chord with u, huh?
[Teasing her on thinking about male’s butts.]
Me: naughty girl
[Being sexually forward.]
Her: on second thought
Her: guys in short shorts are weird
Her: its a little creepy 80s
Me: damn it, I already started rummaging through my creepy shorts drawer
[Being silly and sarcastic that I have creepy shorts.]
Her: i just did research
Her: i take it back
Me: did you really just make me look at another man’s ass?
Me: you deserve a spanking for that one
Me: IN booty shorts
[Displaying sexual intent.]
Her: that’s quite the punishment
Me: mmhmm, I don’t play around!
[Her responding well to my advance and playing back with me.]
Me: okay I have to tame myself before I say bad things
[Continuing to escalate, hinting that I’m thinking about sex with her.]
Her: haha purr
[She’s turned on and enjoying the advances, tension is high now.]
Me: You’re too adorable you know that
Her: oh god you made me blush
[Her purr made me smile so I told her how I felt. This made her embarrassed in a good way.]
Me: Gosh now I’m blushing
Her: blushes all around
Me: a little bit of rouge for good measure
[Easing the tension with some humor.]
Me: Unfortunately, I have to run for now, some friends are calling me out
Her: aww, okay
Her: you’re pretty awesome, maybe we can do this in person sometime
[Her asking for my number before I even made the move.]
Me: mhmm, we’ll have to watch ice age another time. You free Monday night?
Her: yes and i’d love to 🙂
Me: shoot me your number and I’ll text you tomorrow
Me: enjoy your butt watching and ttys!
[Some lightheartedness so she leaves the convo with a smile.]
Her: my number is XXX XXX XXXX, ciao!
Alex was floored. He said, “I can’t believe that just happened. I’ve never had a girl talk like that…I didn’t even think it was possible.”
I replied, “The girl saw your profile, your pictures, and what you do for a living. That didn’t stop her from becoming attracted to you, did it?
And you know what? You don’t need to be an asshole, either. I never put her down, I wanted to get to know her better, and I respected her boundaries. But, I was forward, playful, and honest the entire time. The sexual dynamic only further strengthened our emotional connection.”
Be a lover first and a friend second.
I’ve helped dozens of men meet beautiful women through online dating. I’d love to do the same for you. Let’s talk for a free strategy session.