I’ve noticed a trend among the guys I work with lately. They go on seemingly amazing dates only to never hear from the girl again. Or to hear, “I just didn’t feel any chemistry.”
I’m not even talking about desperate “nice guys”. These are genuine, respectful men who really like the girls they go out with.
I’ve also been speaking with more women about how they chase guys who treat them poorly. Guys who ignore them, act like assholes, or have proven to be serial cheaters. And sometimes, that only has the girl trying harder.
Because of this, I can see how a lot of guys come to the conclusion that women only date douchebags. I can see how “red pill misogynists” believe women are brainless sluts who just want to be dominated. I get how “pickup artists” spend so much time playing games and acting disinterested because they’re convinced that’s what all women want.
I don’t agree with any of this but I get how it all makes sense in their minds. I understand how their reference experiences seem to prove it.
But I don’t think that’s what’s really happening. When asked, few women say, “I just love being treated like shit!” So what’s the real psychology behind this?
What women find most desirable in a man
Women are attracted to men they feel they have to win over.
You have to be a challenge.
They want a “catch”. They want to have earned a man’s affection. If they feel they got it too easily or that he’s more invested initially than she is, they lose interest.
We want what we can’t have. And a man who’s not so quickly won over must a) have options and b) not be desperate. Neediness scares women off.
More and more studies are confirming these findings:
- Women are less attracted to eager or overly responsive men on first dates. They may see it as desperate or untrustworthy. (Source)
- Young women equate nice guys who are physically attractive, funny/witty, strong, confident, romantic, exciting, and someone their friends would like with “good guys”. Being perceived as sweet/nice has the potential to turn that same nice guy into a “too nice,” “loser guy.” (Source)
- Our brains release more dopamine when dealing with unpredictable partners, which leads to subconscious attraction. (Source)
Women have been attracted to high-status, challenging men for as far back as we can remember. But not all of us are rich CEOs like Christian Grey, so instead…
How can you be a man that women strive to impress?
Guys ask me, “How do I show her that I’m a catch? How do I convince her that I’m an awesome guy?”
They answer isn’t to pretend like you’re too cool and play hard to get. The answer isn’t to act like an arrogant asshole and dole out insults.
When you think like that, you’re performing. It’s all an act. You’re reinforcing your insecurities and neediness by putting on a facade. And women will eventually see through your act and you’ll be worse off than when you started.
Moreover, playing these games only attracts women who thrive on disrespect, manipulation, and drama. Personally, I’m not interested in lowering my standards.
So instead, how can we use this knowledge to attract high-quality women who desire valuable men?
To be a truly valuable man, you have to become one. It’s not about making a woman feel inferior, but instead raising your own worth.
You have to honestly believe you’re a catch. You have to see yourself as deserving of a great partner. And you have to start thinking about what you want in a woman rather than just needing to be with a woman you barely know.
As I said in my previous article: be the buyer, not the seller. It’s an essential mindset you need to develop.
20 ways to become that challenging man
To get there, you have to adopt the behaviors of a confident, non-desperate human being.
Keep your options open. When you focus on one romantic prospect, you become extremely attached. You’re terrified to lose your only opportunity. This fear then manifests itself in your behavior and scares girls away. And when things don’t work out, you’re devastated that you have to start all over again.
You shouldn’t stop pursuing other women just because you’re going on a couple dates. It’s 2014, not the 1950s. People are expected to date around. Don’t forget that she probably is, too.
Take more chances. Message tons of women online. Talk to people everywhere. Go to social events. Ask every person you talk to for more than a minute for their number.
Inevitably, you will connect with people. This creates a mindset of abundance and you will inherently act as such. You will be more bold and honest with your romantic intentions. You’ll stop being desperate for any connection and instead seek the right connections.
Women will notice this self-confidence. Then they’ll want to prove they’re worth your time.
Don’t be so agreeable. Some guys believe that if they like all the same things as a girl, she’ll feel more attached. They say stuff like, “No way, I love hot yoga, too!” “Oh yeah, Taylor Swift’s the best!”, “I could eat Indonesian food every day of my life.”
This just makes you seem like you’re trying too hard to impress her. Especially if you’re being dishonest.
Instead, why not be curious? Try to learn more about her interests. Relate to her by talking about something you like. Share a similar story. Or just nod your head and listen.
You don’t need to be a cheerleader about everything a woman says.
Don’t be afraid to disagree, either. I’m not telling you to attack their beliefs or insult them. But if you feel differently about something, don’t be afraid to speak up. It shows you are secure in your beliefs and willing to express them.
A woman doesn’t always have to agree with you but she should respect your opinions. If she doesn’t, she’s only proving that she’s not a good match for you. (And that’s better to know sooner rather than later.)
Only compliment someone when they’ve earned it. Compliments can be very powerful. Imagine receiving praise from someone you look up to. It would feel amazing, right?
But giving out constant compliments weakens their impact. Fake flattery will make you seem like you have ulterior motives. And if you’re throwing out undeserved compliments, you do! You’re using them as a means to win someone’s approval.
Wait until someone has shown you something worthy of complimenting. That could be their intellect, sense of humor, drive, courage, or even their compassion. A valuable man has no problem recognizing real value in other people.
Hold people to your (high) standards. Like I said, so many guys constantly praise women and try to sell themselves. But they never require women to prove themselves. They never stop to think about what they find attractive and then see if a woman meets those qualities.
Start asking deeper, personal, intimate, or controversial questions that are important to you. Show that you have standards. You then will encourage a woman to strive to meet those standards.
Don’t try to buy a woman’s affection early on. Lavish gifts, $100 bottles of wine, and 4-star restaurants are excessive unless you’re loaded. Even then, it makes a woman question your motives. Why would someone who worked hard for their money invest so much in someone they barely know?
You can buy her a drink or pay for a reasonable dinner. She invested in you by getting ready and being vulnerable enough to come out on a date. You can always invest more if things progress into a deeper connection or relationship.
Let her carry the weight of conversation on a first date. Practice your listening skills. Avoid feeling the need to fill every void in conversation. Ask more questions and encourage her to talk.
The person who speaks least in an interaction is generally seen as the most confident. Slowing yourself down will also allow you to speak from the heart rather than trying to come up with the perfect thing to say.
Slow down the romance. I know you’re smitten when you first meet a girl, but remember, you’re still getting to know each other.
Stop planning out your entire future in your head. Stop questioning if she’s seeing anyone else. Stop buying concert tickets to her favorite band a month in advance.
Go on a few dates with the intention of being curious, having fun, and potentially hooking up. Immediately jumping to the relationship stage with a brand new guy scares the hell out of most women.
Treat girls like you’re interested in them. Saying that you’re soul mates on the first date = too intense. Flirting, touching, and creating a sexual connection = extremely important.
This positions you as a potential partner and encourages her to flirt back. Build attraction through physical contact, strong eye contact, leading, and intimate questions or conversation.
Women aren’t oblivious. They know that if you’re on a date with them, you don’t want to be friends. So there’s no point in hiding it.
Women value and respect men who can express their desires in a respectful way. It shows you’re unashamed about what you want and that you’re looking to find a girl who feels the same way.
Speak about your passions, passionately. I don’t care if you think your job is nerdy or your hobbies are boring. Being excited about those things is what attracts people more than anything.
Learn to explain what you do in relatable ways. Think, “You love Lord of the Rings, right? I’m working on a virtual reality project that lets people experience actually being in Middle Earth.” instead of “I’m a hardware engineer who works on the eye-tracking components of virtual reality headsets.”
If you’re proud of your passions, people will see them as valuable. And if you don’t have any passions…
Build a social lifestyle you enjoy. You don’t have to become a super extroverted club guy who gets drunk every other night. But you should put yourself in social environments where there are other people.
Take dancing or cooking classes. Host a party. Play golf. Get your S.C.U.B.A. diving license. Try improv. Go ice skating. Join a billiards league. Go to a board game meetup.
You’ll meet and attract people that want to be part of your engaging lifestyle.
Make female friends and go out with them. Being around women, even if they’re just your friends, makes you more attractive to other women. You’re seen as a man with options, someone that other people enjoy being around. Just don’t forgot to be her wingman, too.
This makes women curious to know why you’re so cool. They want to know why people value your company. And they will work for your attention.
Don’t brag but convey value in a subtle, natural way. When you show off your fancy car or gloat about a new business deal, it gives the impression you’re compensating for something.
Confident, high-status men don’t need to flaunt their success. It’s shown in their actions, behaviors, and general attitude. They may not always initially share their accomplishments because they want people to like them for them, and not what they have to offer.
Be a little mysterious. Let a woman discover your merits through her own questions and you’ll make a much stronger impression.
Have open, confident body language. Lean back and relax. It says you’re not afraid of judgment. You’re not protecting yourself or self-conscious. Being comfortable in your own space shows you feel you deserve that space. That’s a self-assured man women want to win over.
Get in shape and dress well. When talking about fitness and style, guys often become defensive. They make it all about “being hot” when really, it’s much more than that.
Looking your best says a lot about your personality. It says you care for yourself. It says you want to be healthy and virile. It says you invest in being the best person you can be.
And all that demonstrates you expect the same qualities in the people you date.
Don’t give ultimatums. They don’t work and show you’re an insecure, controlling person. Placing intense pressure on a woman is never going to excite her to be with you.
A lot of men do this when they have a hard time getting a girl to hang out. Or when a girl is still casually dating around early on. They try to force the girl into being with them using statements like…
“If you can’t see me this weekend then don’t plan on seeing me at all.” or “Well it’s either those guys or me. Who’s it gonna be?”
Just invite her out. If she doesn’t show up, focus on other women. If you don’t want to date a woman who’s casually dating other men, tell her so. Say, “I really like spending time with you. But if I’m dating a girl, I want her to be only dating me at the time. I hope you understand.”
It’s her choice to invest in you or not. You don’t bully her into being with you. You need to express your feelings without manipulation. And if it turns out she isn’t interested, then…
Stop chasing women who don’t invest in you. A woman who doesn’t care that much about you romantically will: cancel plans at the last minute. Ignore your texts. Never commit to a date.
So why do you keep trying? That will prove to her that you have no backbone or self-respect.
Instead, go do things that fulfill you. Hang out with friends, hit the gym, or go build your social life as I’ve been repeating. Have fun and don’t be hung up on someone who is blowing you off.
You can try two or three times to make plans. After that, walk away.
I’ve written about this concept so many times yet I rarely ever see men following it. If you have to beg a girl to give you a chance, you’re already setting yourself up for failure. You’re reinforcing your own neediness. And that’s the exact opposite of a man that women pursue.
Don’t be so available. I’m not saying you should pretend to be busy. But an awesome guy has a life of his own.
When trying to hang out with a girl, tell her two days you’re free, at most. If she can’t make one of those, try again for next week. Or if she’s truly interested, she’ll usually suggest a better time.
Never say stuff like, “Let me know whenever you’re free.” “I’m open any day of this week, just tell me when.” or “I could hang out Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday.”
Women want to become part of an already engaging lifestyle. They don’t want to be your life.
Stop needing to prove yourself. Some women will challenge guys. They put them on the spot to see if they’re truly confident. Or they will bust their balls to see if they can handle it and flirt back.
I’ve had girls call me short. Or say I’m too young. Or straight-up ask if I’m trying to get in their pants.
The worst responses you can give are. “I’m not that short…I’m about average height.” “Well, I feel a lot older than I am.” or “Uh no…I’m just trying to get to know you better.”
Own who you are and what you want. Make a joke out of it. Be silly and exaggerate. Challenge her back. Or even playfully ignore her. Just don’t try to justify yourself.
You could say, “Shit, I knew I should have brought my stilts.” “Yeah I’m actually 13, but I got a really good fake ID.” “You’re so adorable when you try to act tough.” or “Actually, I’m trying more to get them off than get in them.”
Nothing is more sexy than a man who’s not shaken when being challenged.
But for all this to work…
You have to want it for yourself. Your main goal shouldn’t be to get women chasing you — that’s just a byproduct of being an awesome guy.