How to Be a Gentleman That Turns Women On

March 20th, 2012 by Nick Notas 16 Comments

James Bond and Denise Richards

In my previous post, I let you see the inner workings of my adolescent mind and how I evolved into the sexual man I am today. After I got out of school, I began applying the knowledge I gained from a younger age to the adult dating world. Initially, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.

The idea that women wanted to be desired held true more than ever before. However, the way I approached it required some tweaking. You can’t act like an overexcited sixteen-year-old and expect to get the same results you once did. By showing a little restraint and class while still being direct, I discovered an essential element of grown-up dating: tact.

Here are the lessons I’ve learned about being a sexual gentleman who gets women hot.

Have self-control

While being bold and sexually assertive is attractive, having the ability to restrain yourself is equally so. If you’re non-stop trying to get her in pants, you look desperate and can be a huge turnoff.

I had a friend growing up in school who always chased after the same girls that I did. He’d poke them, playfully push them, and constantly be saying sexual things. At first it would get them hot, but soon they’d question his intentions and the novelty would wear off.

I would have that same forward attitude but I would break it up by asking meaningful questions. By wanting to learn about girls and sharing stories about myself, I kept them intrigued. By listening to what they had to say with legitimate enthusiasm, I gained their trust. The combination is irresistible.

Be unashamed

I never apologize for my interest in sex and nor should you. Too many times I’ve heard guys drop a cute innuendo or be forward about their intentions, only to say sorry or “just kidding” a few seconds later. Any romantic tension the girl was feeling is cut short and the mood is lost.

Now of course, if you say something that gets her truly upset, apologize right away. Most girls will be fine with a slipup as long as it’s followed by a genuine apology. Which leads me to…

Respect her boundaries

I always recommend that a guy takes the shot. If you don’t, there’s very little chance of anything happening. Unfortunately, most girls won’t lead the interaction to sex – it’s just the way it is.

Escalate the situation and get more personal with your touches. Say progressively sexier things to her. If she’s hesitant, nervous, or pulls away – cool it for a while. She needs more time to get comfortable with you. Keep building that connection and try again in a few.

Sometimes a girl will push you away with her words and actually want more. In situations like those, challenging her false defenses can actually work in your favor. But, this is a fine line to play with and takes some experience to get it right.

The best advice I can give is to pay attention to her body language and how she’s speaking. If she’s smiling or lightly says “You can’t say that!” or “Good luck trying.” keep the momentum moving forward. If she looks pissed or clearly says “No.” or “Can you please stop that?” then you probably should pull back.

Wanting instead of needing sex

If I’m attracted to a woman (physically and mentally), I am entertaining the possibility of getting intimate with her. My thought process is, “Wow, she’s awesome. I would love to have an incredible time with her and rock her world.” This is all good and normal.

Unfortunately, when you haven’t gotten action in a while (or ever) and are afraid of messing things up, you tend to need to be intimate with her. Instead you’re saying, “God, I’ll do anything to hook up with her. It has to happen. I’m a loser if I screw this up.”

You can’t go into interactions with the sole purpose of getting in her pants. It may work sometimes, but more often than not she’s going to notice your endgame. The desperation, neediness, and complete lack of wanting to get to know her on a deeper level shows in all your actions. Even if it’s a one-night stand, a girl wants to know you chose her for something more than just her body.

Your mindset should be, “I really want to get to know this girl” while being unabashedly sexual. Give a shit about making a real connection while having the balls to flirt and be physical. This is the healthiest approach to keep girls invested in you!

Touch early and often

Learn to become a touchy person. We do it with our friends and family, and there’s no reason you can’t do it with women. As long as you’re respectful (as stated above), that’s what matters.

Talk with your hands while speaking. It’s easier to touch her when your hands are moving instead of in your pockets. Stand closer by moving to her side, especially in loud bars or clubs. You can be physically close to a woman early on as long as it’s not confrontational (in her face). Sit next to her on dates and it becomes natural to escalate physically.

Most of all, know the best moments to touch her and exactly how to do it.

Focus on pleasing her

There’s too much emphasis on satisfying yourself and trying to get your own rocks off. Here’s a huge secret: if you make it all about her, she will return the favor ten-fold. That’s how you get a woman to be completely invested in you sexually.

Start thinking about how you can make her feel amazing. How you can show her the best time of her life and give her pleasure that she’s only dreamed of. And when the time comes, actually follow through with it.

Once you’ve been flirting for a little, you want to let her know how much you desire her. I’ve said things like, “You have no idea how incredible I’m going to make you feel.” or “I want to caress every inch of your body like you’ve never experienced.” Nothing is sexier than knowing a man cares enough to put the focus on her.

Be judgment-free

Why did women trust me so much when I was so sexually forward? Because they knew I appreciated, understood, and respected their sexuality as well.

Most guys would hookup with a hot girl if she gave them the opportunity. So how come when a girl wants to be promiscuous and mess around, she’s automatically labeled a slut? It’s a ridiculous double-standard and needs to be stopped.

If you have any negative thoughts about women’s sexuality, eliminate them. We all desire sex and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Sex is at the core of our physiological needs as human beings.

Don’t ever be afraid to bring up sexual topics early within an interaction. Encourage her sexuality. Be the man who helps her explore the depths of her desires she never knew existed. Show her that you have a healthy, positive view on sex, and that it’s no big deal.

The more comfortable you are with sex, the more excited she’ll be to share it with you.

Want insight on how to still be yourself while being sexual? Talk to me for a free session.

  1. Doug on March 21, 2012

    Thanks, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I have no problem holding conversations with girls but they never seem to lead anywhere. I’m going to start working in these points and see what happens!

    • Nick Notas on March 21, 2012

      Thanks for the comment! Yeah, this will definitely help you out. If there’s no sexual tension, there’s no chemistry. Let me know how things go 🙂

  2. nick on March 21, 2012

    I’m only in my low 20’s and I always like to be a gentleman because it’s more natural for me than being a teasing and over-confident prick (that tends to get into their pants). I have a problem that I don’t know how to dance with a girl in a “gentleman’s way”. I love dancing in groups of people and salsa, but when it comes to going out to clubs where most of hook-ups are a result of grinding, which I don’t mind, I find it hard to do so without coming off as a prick.
    What’s your advice on this?

    • Nick Notas on March 21, 2012

      I love dancing Salsa myself although it’s definitely different than the club scene. But, grinding in a club with a girl can be done in a gentleman-like way.

      The first thing that comes to mind is how you approach her. The “douchey” guys tend to suddenly grind up against women from behind without warning. This often turns a lot of girls off and can come off as disrespectful. That’s why I always advocate approaching from the front and making eye contact before dancing with her.

      Then to set yourself apart from jerks, actually try to get to know her. Most guys will keep grinding and feel her up without even knowing her name. So, I recommend dancing for a bit, then motioning to grab a drink and inviting her to come join you. At the bar (or lounge area) where it’s more quiet, you can introduce yourself and start a real conversation.

      I actually wrote an article on this that you can read here. Hope that helps!

  3. George P.H. on March 23, 2012

    Very good post. Accepting shamelessness as a necessary part of interacting with women was a huge breakthrough for me. In the past, I used to feel guilty and nervous about “putting myself out there” and saying bold things to women.

    But if you (as a man) don’t do it, who will? I rarely escalate physically, but my verbal escalation is pretty fast. Most girls are too shy to respond, even when they want me. e.g. I might tell a girl she looks really sexy and she’ll reply with something unrelated, ignoring my comment.

    If I was still the old me, I’d question myself and feel guilty/ashamed. But now, I understand that silence is a form of agreement; if she’s still sitting there and talking to me, she’s cool with what I’m saying. Letting go of shame and pushing my boundaries has given me more results than anything else.

    Again, really great post. I love that you actually respect and like women. A kindred spirit to me 🙂

    • Nick Notas on March 24, 2012

      Thanks George 🙂 Yeah, it took me a while to get over those same feelings and realize that women are as open to sex as we are.

      “if she’s still sitting there and talking to me, she’s cool with what I’m saying.”

      That’s a huge point. Sometimes girls are nervous or not used to a guy being forward about their intentions. But if she’s hanging around, listening, and smiling, that’s a damn good sign. You’ll know when she’s uncomfortable because she’ll either look it (body language), say it, or even walk away.

      You’re definitely my kindred spirit in this field man! Too many guys build a foundation of misogyny or want to “get back at women” from their past. Funny thing is that those guys never connect with high quality women. They might hook up with some random girls but no self-respecting woman is going to stay with that.

  4. Jeremy Wahl on March 23, 2012

    I like the respect too. There needs to be more of it in PUA.

    You have to know when NOT to please her too. Great post though.

    • Nick Notas on March 23, 2012

      Definitely not enough respect going around. And I agree, everything in moderation. Thanks for the comment!

  5. Jeremy Wahl on March 24, 2012

    Dude, you’re like a breath of fresh air. You have such a great outlook on the whole thing. I bet you’re a kick-ass dating coach. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

    • Nick Notas on March 25, 2012

      Thanks man, I’m loving your blog as well! It’s great to see all these fellow coaches and writers with similar views on respect and positivity. Glad you’re enjoying my stuff, let’s keep in touch 🙂

  6. Devin on July 27, 2012

    This is such a great post. Im 16 and I have always been naturally shy, but never afraid to talk to females(or anyone for that matter). As I read the post I thought about this girl that I used to flirt with alot a year ago. I thought I was coming off too strong, because I would make alot of playful sexual remarks to her, and I smack and touch her butt alot. I started to get into her a bit, but I didnt think that she was in too me that much, and I fear rejection, so I never asked her out, or tried to make a move. The more I read your post, I got to the part about touching, and I remembered a time me and her were walking in my neighborhood one night, and I convinced her to walk me down the street on her back ( i’m a light guy). I had my hands around her neck and she was wearing a tanktop, so I slowly worked my hands into her bra. I expected her to tell me to quit playing around, but the farther I got to her nipples, the more she laughed. She basically let me play inside her bra all the way down the street into her house. I still never made any moves to ask her out or anything because I feared rejection so much, but to think about it now, “Why would she let me do all of the playful sexual things with her if she wasnt interested in me too?” I moved and its been moths since I had seen her, and I thought that I shouldnt have been so sexual and should fall back from trying to make moves with girls, but after reading this post, im going to go into my junior year and not fear being open about my feelings with girls, and learn to accept rejection if it happens. Thank you for this post, seriously.

  7. Ronnie on October 19, 2012

    I think my boyfriend has read this article. He behaves exactly like that lol. And I must say, it really works on me.

  8. The Real Man on November 30, 2013

    and last but not least, love yourself ,love her, and love the process.

  9. Maria on October 7, 2014

    I’m a girl and all I have to say is Im impressed, I was turned on by just reading this, you’re really good!! it would be really cool if you’d do the same for girls.. we need dating tips to!

  10. Sebastian on December 12, 2014

    Hi Notas and fellow readers!

    Great post, great blog and great writing. I’d like you to help me with some advice, as you seem to comprehend the complexity of the female mind and also seem to know (some) of the problems behind lacking assertiveness.

    I’m 19 years old, male, intelligent and in good physical shape.

    So, umh, what in the world can I do when being touchy-feely just isn’t my thing? I have a very mature mind and I know who I am and what I’m worth, but paradoxically I’m also very self-aware in regards to my actions towards the opposite sex, which in turn makes me blush every time I just as much as hint at something suggestive/compliment – and not the ordinary blush, we’re talking full-on full-scale tomato colour and has since early age prohibited any kind of sexual encounters besides a poor unfinished handjob.
    Alcohol seems to be the only remedy; but we all know you’re not very representative in any intoxicated state. Self esteem could be the root of the problem, though I do not feel worthless or anything. I’m no introvert and I can talk to girls I don’t know (though not at bars and the like) as long as I’m not attracted to them or have no hidden agenda, i.e. in a work-group.

    I’d like to hear everyones opinion as I’d really like to identify the problem so I can start working on it – cheers!

  11. Julo on January 30, 2016

    A very important point when it comes to interacting with a woman’s early start to the touch, it is good to create physical comfort, preparing for something else at the end of noite.Um the most common mistakes is the boy talk, talk and talk, but not play it in almost no time, and as they try to kiss and the woman does not leave or give some excuse, turning her face, they do not understand because of that. Great tips, I liked the way it was structured ideas.


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