I like giving dating advice and answering questions in online communities. Whatever issue a guy has, there’s always a way he can overcome it.
However, I’m frustrated by the popular internet mantra (started by a Tom Brady SNL skit) that claims being good with women comes down to…
Step 1: Be attractive.
Step 2: Don’t be unattractive.
I want to rip my hair out every time I read that lame excuse. It perpetuates this idea of “I’m not a tall, handsome model so I’m forever hopeless. Please pity me.”
Coincidentally, these guys are actually right.
If you want to be successful in dating, you have to be attractive. But, what some guys don’t understand and refuse to admit is that there are many ways a man can be attractive.
Table Of Contents
Attraction is a Spectrum You Control
Instead, they absolve themselves of responsibility, take the lazy route, and don’t want to improve their situation.
Physical looks are the primary attraction switch for men. With women, it’s only a part of the whole package.
Yes, being 6 feet tall with a chiseled chin may make things easier initially. But I know many (and have helped many) traditionally unattractive, short (myself included), and overweight men who consistently date beautiful women.
Vice-versa, about half of my clientele are “good looking” guys. Men who look like a young George Clooney on a bad day, yet struggle to get anywhere with women.
Their appearance doesn’t do anything for them when they have boring conversations, unappealing lifestyles, and negative mindsets.
You don’t have to be the typical “hot” guy to attract women. Improve yourself in areas you have control over and accept what you can’t change.
Get in shape and stay healthy.
Don’t give me the BS reason that you have no time or money. Work out at home, even during your TV/Internet time if you have to.
Learn the basics of fashion and update your wardrobe. Wear fitted clothing that flatters you. Looking stylish says a lot about who you are and how you value yourself to others.
Also, iron your clothes.
Trim your eyebrows and get rid of your unibrow. As a Greek, I feel your pain. Keep your nails clean, shower, and wash your clothes if they smell (can’t believe I have to say that).
Fix your body language.
Practice standing correctly (tall, yet relaxed) and work out your back and core muscles. Move slower and with purpose. Get rid of your fidgety habits and nervous ticks.
Use expressive facial expressions when talking and gesture with your hands. Breathe and speak powerfully from your diaphragm.
Get a sense of humor and develop your wit.
A man who can make people laugh charms the pants off everyone — just don’t be the class clown.
Take a local improv or theater class. Watch standup and pay attention to inflection, storytelling techniques, and punchline delivery. Ask “why is that funny?” and break it down.
Remove your negativity.
Smile more. Learn to laugh and don’t take things so seriously. Stop being a cynical, whiny child who always complains.
If you aren’t going to put in the effort to change it, then you can’t say anything. If you have bigger demons to fight and need to see a therapist, do it.
Don’t blame women for your struggles. Being smart and polite doesn’t entitle you to a great girl. You have to make her laugh, get physical, and create deeper connections.
If you have anger towards females, it will show through and turn women off.
Be a leader.
Women want a guy who goes after his desires and makes decisions.
Speak your mind. Take more chances in life. Flirt with women you’re interested in and learn to get physical with girls. Come up with awesome dates rather than always asking what she wants to do.
If you’re ridden with anxiety, the only way to defeat it is progressive exposure. Challenge your comfort zone daily in small steps and build a foundation of positive reference experiences.
You cannot will yourself to defeat your fears, you have to disprove them with actions.
Stop being a nice guy.
That doesn’t mean you become a jerk, far from it. It’s about being honest with your intentions, placing your needs first, and valuing yourself. So:
- Do shit that makes you happy and stop trying to please everyone else.
- Stop emotionally manipulating others and doing favors with strings attached.
- Rid yourself of unnecessary jealousy and resentment.
- Embrace and express your sexuality openly. Accept female sexuality and stop slut-shaming — we all want sex.
If you haven’t already, read No More Mr. Nice Guy and get ready to have your mind blown.
Build your social confidence and emotional intelligence.
Make eye contact with and talk to every single person you come across during your daily activities. This will help you deal with a variety of people in different situations while feeling comfortable in your skin.
Practice makes perfect.
Broaden your social circle.
Join meetup.com groups, find local social/networking events, go to fairs, concerts, and festivals. Strike up conversations with people there and make friends.
Work on your career.
Most guys don’t put in the effort to land the job they want.
Send out way more resumes, revise your current one constantly (ask for assistance from friends/head hunters) and hustle. If you fail first interviews, read up on interview skills and develop your non-verbals (body language and voice).
Joined LinkedIn and start building your network. Pay for the premium service which allows you to message companies. Answer questions on relevant groups which get you noticed.
If you have a job, hustle to move up the ladder. Get proactive and fix something that no one else has. If you’re at a job that treats you like shit and won’t promote you, start looking elsewhere.
You spend 1/3 of your life at your job so find somewhere you actually enjoy.
Become a man of many passions and interests.
If your only hobby is playing Valorant, fine. But then accept that most women aren’t going to be excited watching you play a 6-hour gaming marathon.
There has to be something you’ll find awesome that women will want to be a part of.
Take a cooking or art class. Try salsa dancing. Go to a Comic/Anime convention and talk to girls there. Join a sports meetup group (rock climbing, tennis, running).
Whatever it is, you’ll always have something interesting to talk about and be able to invite a girl into your world.
If a man on his deathbed with a broken neck can grow to fly planes and race cars, you can get out there and experience something new.
Approach new women regularly.
Live a life of choice and abundance. This is the #1 action you can take to improve your chances with women.
Making the most opportunities for yourself is critical — you can’t be upset with your lack of a dating life if you sit on forums all day long. Beautiful women don’t jump through the interwebs!
“But I’m scared of being rejected and I have approach anxiety!”
Yeah, we all do and we all had to push through it. I chickened out for over two months until I bit the bullet and did it. Once you get through your first approach, it only gets easier.
These points force you to push yourself to new levels, take an honest look at your weaknesses, and face your insecurities.
I never said it was going to be easy, but nothing worth having in this world is.
But the one thing I can promise is that if you put in the effort, you will be handsomely rewarded.