How to Become More Social Instantly

May 12th, 2011 by Nick Notas 9 Comments

Want to know my super secret way how I became a more social person? I started talking to everyone – it’s really that simple.

I meet guys who constantly struggle with talking to others and want to know the quick fix that’s going to make them a social butterfly. When I say “You have to push yourself to talk to everyone you encounter through your daily life,” they are taken back and don’t believe it. They think I’m giving a cop-out answer and there’s some hidden truth that I’m not sharing.

Like anything else, becoming social is something you have to develop and actively work on. You have to get the experience, have some failures, learn your lessons, and keep practicing. You can’t expect to be proficient in something without using a hands-on approach. So why, then, do we seek the magic pill when it comes to being more socially confident and improving our dating life?

Years ago, I wasn’t fully comfortable in my own skin when around other people. I struggled to express the real Nick because I was afraid of what people would think, what they would say, and that they might reject me. It was a silly fear, but it was real in my own mind. I realized that the only way things would get better to face them head-on.

I fell in love with people, their stories, and their unique personalities. I became interested to hear what others had to say and to share my own thoughts and passions with them. Instead of shying away from new faces, I openly embraced them and got excited to connect with them.

Naturally, I also became more comfortable and confident with myself. The fears I had of being judged melted away. I enjoyed showing the real me to others and it was up to them to accept that person or not. I was being the best Nick I could be and I felt better than I ever had before – it was liberating and changed my life completely.

Start small and interact with the working people you come across daily. The barista who makes your morning coffee, the toll booth guy, the cashier ringing you up at the grocery store. Even simple small talk like “Hey, how are you?” and “Thank you, have a great night!” (with a warm smile) will begin to make a big difference. Seriously, I make chit chat with every single person and you should too!

As for dating and getting more comfortable with women, it’s the same thing. You can’t be afraid of striking up conversation with women or you won’t have the dating results you want. Introduce yourself to that girl sitting on the train, the cute blonde reading Vonnegut in the coffee shop, the pretty brunette standing behind you at the post office. You’ll never know if it’ll turn into something amazing until you try.

Stop searching for that social elixir and start making things happen.


  1. Laura on May 12, 2011

    This is fabulous advice – especially for the introverts who just aren’t as outward about every little thought as we extroverts are.

    A thought – I wonder how well these kind of chatting is received depending on where people live in the country. Seattle has what’s known as the “Seattle Freeze” where people are very nice and chatty to you, but will not ACTUALLY let you in. Interesting phenomenon, but good for practice nonetheless…

    • Nick on May 12, 2011

      Hmmm, a lot of my experiences take place in Boston and New York — two of the most “cold” cities in the US. Some even say that Boston is the least friendly city in the nation, yet I still love my town.

      That being said, I think you can gain more in the “tough” cities than anywhere else. You have to learn to deal with rudeness, people taking time to warm up, and discovering what finally cracks the barrier where people open up to you. It forces you to think a lot more on the fly than say San Francisco where people are friendly from start to finish. I kind of like it 🙂

      Would be interesting to hear a bunch of different perspectives from guys in various areas of the country. Giving me an idea for an article….have to work this one out. Thanks as always Laura!

  2. Taz @ Climb the Rainbow on May 23, 2011

    Spot on Nick. Nothing beats cold, hard practice when it comes to improving your social skills!

    Talking to new people is scary as hell the first few times you do it, but after you push through that initial barrier, you find that most people are just as worried about making a good impression on you as you are on them.

    Sometimes you’ll make dumb, cringe-worthy comments. I’ve definitely made my fair share of these! However, it’s all part of the learning experience and the rewards you reap from improving yourself socially far outweigh any short term discomfort you will experience.

    • Nick Notas on May 12, 2012

      Hey Taz, couldn’t have said it better myself. Like anything, at first you’re going to stumble solely because of inexperience. But the more you do it, the more comfortable and confident you become.

      For those awkward moments, you’ve just got to laugh it off. As you said, it’s all part of the learning experience 🙂

  3. Zack on October 22, 2012

    I’m sad because for 2 years I pretty much talked to everyone… at least 10 new people a day.. and now 5 years later.. I’ve stopped doing it and I’m back at square 1. My problem isn’t approaching a girl standing / sitting alone but a group of people with a particular girl I’m interested in.

    • Nick Notas on October 22, 2012

      The first step is getting back into the habit. You did it before so you can clearly do it again. Just got to get the first one out of the way.

      As for the group situation, approach the whole group to begin with. Chat them up for 1-2 minutes and then direct a personal statement or question at the girl you like. This way, you still respect the other people and they’ll be welcoming. Once you start talking to the girl one-on-one, her friends will be supportive of your conversation.

  4. Jalen on June 13, 2013

    Great article Nick. That is truly the only way to get become social. I know practice makes perfect but every time(literally) I approach a women we converse for a short period of time. Then the conversation goes dry and I’m at lost for words. The awkward silence is horrible and AWKWARD lol So,How do I keeping the conversation interesting and flowing?

  5. Mike on June 23, 2014

    Love the article Nick! My biggest issue is the fear of being the one to bring somebody down. I feel like every time I begin to speak to someone I come off as Mr. know it all or dry and boring lol. I’m the type that loves a good laugh and it gets really discouraging when I do the exact opposite. Then there’s a brief moment of silence before I try to keep it going and they eventually come up with an excuse to walk away. Now I’ve become antisocial and I have a dream to be an entrepreneur. I know communication plays a big part in that, as well as everyday life. I really could use some advice here. Do you have any golden nuggets you can throw my way?

  6. John on April 3, 2015

    Not easy at all if you, like me, have a tendecy to overanalyze every situation. If every time I’m approaching someone I begin to think “what should I say now?” I end up saying nothing


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