How to Be Attractive Even When You’re Ugly

July 12th, 2018 by Nick Notas 11 Comments

Duck face guy

Some people are born ugly. That’s not a personal judgment — it’s the truth.

The people society deem as attractive get more job opportunities, shorter criminal sentences, and more passive interest from others.

Less attractive people are often judged harshly and struggle to attract the people they want. Some guys can’t get sexual partners, making them “involuntarily celibate” or “incels” as they’re called online.

If you’re an “ugly guy”, I’m not here to downplay the reality. Physical appearance matters in the real world. And yes, it fucking sucks that you got the shit end of the genetic lottery.

I am here to argue that you CAN and SHOULD do something about it. There’s no other option if you want to build a happy life with fulfilling relationships.

The need for intimacy and companionship are hard-coded into your biology. You can try to ignore it or choose to be voluntarily celibate, but I’ve just never seen that be a viable long-term solution.

A lack of human connection causes constant suffering. Social isolation is torturous. It makes you bitter, resentful, angry, and even violent towards others or yourself.

Being ugly is not a social death sentence. I’ve personally watched countless ugly men attract women that society deems beautiful.

These are men who stand under 5’5”. Men who were previously 50 or even 100+ pounds overweight. Or guys who were born with asymmetrical faces, bad skin, wide-spaced eyes, genes that made them bald in their 20s, and the dreaded weak chins.

You can also find plenty of examples of successful “unattractive” men in the public eye who date attractive women. Hell, you can walk through a busy city center and see it for yourself.

So how have these men accomplished the so-called impossible?

Why some ugly guys make it and some don’t

Two types of guys

These men accepted that something needed to change. They knew it wasn’t going to be easy and they started with an uphill battle.

They knew they weren’t going to change what women have biologically responded to for thousands of years. They also understood that most of the time, men need to take the lead in courtship.

So instead, they committed to changing themselves and their behavior.

They worked their asses off to become more attractive despite their genetics, both physically and mentally. And they put themselves out there regularly to gain invaluable experience.

They didn’t mope around and complain about being a victim. They didn’t spew misogynistic hate via internet forums for days on end.

Because again, there was no other solution to attain the connections they desired.

Those men used their energy to make forward progress in the real world. And THAT’S the difference between ugly guys who succeed and ugly guys who are destined to be forever alone.

To make these changes, it starts by shifting your mindset.

Release the (unfounded) anger

You will struggle to attract women If you’re vehemently angry at them. Angry dudes scare the shit out of women, for good reason.

If you’re trying to meet women while filled with resentment, you’ll often assume the worst about them. Therefore, how could you be excited to connect with them?

Then you’ll behave in ways that subconsciously communicates your true feelings to women. It creates a cycle where women don’t respond to you because you’re angry, you get angrier, and then you face even more rejections.

I find that anger usually stems from two points:

  • You feel slighted that you have to put in extra work just to be given a chance when other men don’t.
  • You hate that women can’t look past your looks to see everything else you could offer.

I want to show you why that anger is unfounded and why you should let go of it.

First, while some extremely attractive guys get random attention, the majority of guys aren’t swarmed by women. In fact, “average” looking men have to go through the same proactive growth process as you to cultivate the romantic lives they want.

I’m just an average joe myself. Actually, I’m shorter than the average guy. I was overweight for the first 20 years of my life and I was always a nerd (before it was kind of cool).

Women never threw themselves at me. I was never the popular guy. Nobody looked at my chubby belly, crooked ass teeth, and thick framed glasses and said, “Damn, I want a piece of that.”

I worked really damn hard on myself and had to gain a tremendous amount of real-world experience. You’re not alone and in fact, you are the norm.

Second, you’re being a hypocrite because I’m sure you don’t pursue women you find physically unappealing, either. That’s because you don’t choose who you’re attracted to, you feel it.

If you’re so lonely and just want romantic connection, why don’t you date a woman who’s not traditionally attractive? They don’t get as much male attention and I’m confident you could find plenty of women who’d be open to seeing you.

The truth is that you won’t because you don’t desire them…and that doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. So you have no grounds to be pissed off when some women respond the same way.

The great thing is, you can make yourself infinitely more appealing in a multitude of ways. Just like a woman can get in shape and wear sexy clothes, I’m sure you have a lot you can improve as well.

But you need to stop expecting hot women to throw themselves at you without any work and you may need to lower your standards, at least for now.

Temporarily lower your standards, a little

Limbo get low

Men with little dating experience often idolize the hottest women.

They put beauty on the highest pedestal. They obsess over Instagram models. They talk about wanting the most gorgeous girls at their school.

The problem is that the more attractive a woman is, the more male competition she has gunning for her. So she has more options and can be more selective.

If you want consistent opportunities with these women, you have to stand out amongst other men. It’s actually not that hard in the grand scheme of things, but if you’re new to this — you’ll have to put the work in.

Self-improvement and social skill development is the same as learning anything else. You can’t compete against veteran pool players without developing your abilities and getting enough practice.

This frustrates a lot of ugly guys. They see all the progress they need to make before they can see romantic success and it feels pointless.

There’s an easy solution, though…you temper your expectations for the time being.

I’m not telling you to pursue women you don’t find physically attractive. I’m suggesting you date women that you find attractive enough.

Pursue women that may not be the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, but you still find attractive and sexually desirable. Physical looks can be your first screening tool but you should still give these women a shot.

These women will be much more open to connecting with you. And as you grow and gain experience, you can start pursuing more in-demand women, if you so choose.

Make the best of what you were born with

While your physical appearance does influence how desirable you are to women, it’s something you can drastically improve.

Most guys I meet who complain about being “too ugly” neglect their hygiene, grooming, fashion, and fitness. They expect women to want them despite them being unhealthy and not put together.

I busted my ass to make myself look more attractive.

I ditched my $5 glasses and got contacts. I changed my diet and worked out to lose over 70 pounds. I read r/malefashionadvice and learned how to dress well after years of wearing cheap, baggy discount store clothing.

I used Invisalign for over two years to fix my teeth. I stick to a strict unibrow-fighting regimen. I ditched my mom’s haircuts (she was a retired hairdresser) to invest in getting a stylish, modern haircut from a well-rated salon.

If you’ve got acne, see a dermatologist and get a product like Accutane to clear up your skin. If you’re skinny and pale, get some sun and start adding muscle.

You don’t immediately need all of these things to start attracting people. But each piece you add just continues to make you a more polished and refined man.

Every single guy I’ve seen put in the work becomes attractive enough to date the women they want. Because that’s what you don’t realize…

You don’t have to become super hot, you just have to get to a base level of “put togetherness”. From there, there are many other factors that make a man attractive…which are all under your control.

Increase your desirability in other ways

Nerdy guy serenade

Crafty “ugly guys” have found ways to build their attractiveness for thousands of years. They know women fall for guys for lots of reasons.

Women desire men with…

Self-confidence. Practice being assertive and a leader. Become more outspoken and expressive. Set your boundaries and don’t be a pushover. Work your way up towards talking to lots of people and desensitize yourself to social anxiety. Get comfortable flirting and showing your sexual interest.

High status or wealth. Build new friendships and expand your social circle. Host parties or events. Become well-known in some local scenes or clubs. Work your way up in your career and keep applying for better jobs.

A sense of humor. Take an improv class and develop your wit. Indulge in your style of humor when talking to women, not just with your friends. Practice your fun storytelling abilities.

Strong non-verbal communication. Improve the quality and strength of your voice. Become comfortable with giving great eye contact. Display really confident body language from the moment you walk into a room.

On top of all this, you need to hone the practical skills necessary to connect with others. Connections are all about emotions and if you can make a woman feel great around you, she’ll start to desire you in her life.

That means you need to get the fuck in the real world and start talking to more people. Improving your presence, social skills, anxiety levels, self-doubt, and charisma requires hands-on experience.

Eleven years ago, I was terrified of new social situations. I didn’t know how to express myself or keep people engaged. I performed and used fake, rehearsed lines.

But I put myself out there…a lot! Over time, I got infinitely more comfortable and charismatic. I saw people react to me like never before. I received active interest from women before I even showed interest in them.

Nowadays, I feel like I can talk to almost anyone, anywhere and there’s a great chance we’ll connect.

Challenge your biases about women

I understand you’ve probably heard some variation of all this advice but you don’t take it to heart. If you’re like most “incel” guys I talk to, you have the toxic belief that:

Women will never truly love or desire an ugly guy. They’ll only stay with them for money, status, or the external things they offer. They will never have an active sex life with those men. And women will always be waiting to cheat when a hotter guy comes around or the gravy train runs dry.

I know for a fact that’s bullshit. I know countless couples who shatter these false beliefs.

I used to coach with a guy who was overweight and dated numerous beautiful women. My ultra-nerdy, 5’6” friend found a cute cosplayer to go to conventions with and she actively flirts with him all the time. Even my house painter is a balding, rough-looking guy with a gorgeous wife half his age and they can’t stop popping out babies.

Some women will only chase hot “chads”, even if those guys have no moral character. Many women with integrity, however will look past physical appearance and get excited to sleep with a quality man.

As for the money argument…yes, there are gold-digging women who use men for their wealth. But there are also amazing women who seek genuine connection.

I’m not saying money isn’t a factor in some relationships. Women still often want some semblance of stability in a long-term partner and especially for future children. For many, though, that’s not their primary drive or what makes them want to be with someone.

But you’ll never believe how compassionate women can be until you experience it for yourself. If you ever want to change, you need to see how a woman can actually desire and love you. Just for your personality and not the money you provide her.

You do that by not making yourself out to be an ATM from the start. You don’t use your clout to attract women. You don’t shower them with gifts or vacations to get them to stay with you.

You offer YOURSELF. Then you choose women who actually respect and invest in you long-term without needing you to spoil them.

Someone can’t use you unless you let them.

You have two paths right now…

You can keep imposing self-limiting beliefs. You can keep making excuses to not take action. You can keep finding reasons why other “ugly guys” are anomalies and in relationships based on lies.

And I guarantee that you’ll keep being lonely.

OR you can actually make the changes necessary to see how your looks won’t stop you from experiencing a passionate romantic life.

In the meantime, I’ll keep watching the “ugly guys” I help *magically* date beautiful women.

  1. Kevin on July 12, 2018

    I know I’m not an attractive guy and I used to get down on myself about it. I have a friend though who’s not good looking and has no problem meeting women. I gotta get over my own bullshit. Thanks for the action plan.

    • Nick Notas on July 12, 2018

      Yup, you just have to take a look around and realize how many so-called “ugly” guys have found a way to do it. Glad you’re challenging your beliefs and are ready to take the next step.

  2. brendan on July 12, 2018

    For me, a big game-changer was giving up online dating. I have kind of a big nose and Tinder wasn’t doing me any favors. Now I’ve been doing social sports in my city and have been meeting a ton of girls and setting up dates. Changing it up worked for me.

    • Nick Notas on July 12, 2018

      Online dating is in a platform which forces people to make snap judgements. People are more harsh online than they are in-person. Face-to-face there are so many factors that make them feel connected to someone.

      • Drew on July 14, 2018

        Couldn’t agree more Nick. I tried online dating for 4 and a half years and didn’t meet anyone. So, I stopped using it altogether.

        On a separate note, while I enjoy reading your articles, one thing always jumps out at me: you live in the Greater Boston area, which is massive. Where I live, the population is less than 300,000, which severely limits opportunities for meeting new people.

  3. JacXi on July 13, 2018

    Nick..Your write ups are really helpful for guidance and comprehensive unlike quite a lot of others that tend to be teasers and “beat around the bush”type…am very appreciative of your good work Nick…cheers!

    • Nick Notas on July 26, 2018

      Thanks man. I appreciate the kind words and you reading the articles. I always try to make things as detailed and actionable as possible.

  4. Didius on July 16, 2018

    Hi Nick, this article really made me re-evaluate certain aspects of how I perceive the dating scene, so I thank you for that. I do have 1 issue with it that I’d be glad to hear your thoughts on (or some referral to someone else’s judgement). Personally, I take issue with (temporarily) lowering your standards. I’m not exceptionally attractive, I’ll admit, and I do want some dating experience before I actually meet “the one worth keeping”. My problem with it is, that I don’t want to lie to a girl. I know that keeping girls on pedestals doesn’t do me any favours, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from you is that girls are people just like me. The thing is, if there is a girl I feel meets the basic physically traits I’m looking for, but I’d otherwise not approach, I don’t want to ask her out if I don’t think it will lead anywhere, and she’d just be someone I’d “gain experience” from, because I’d not be treating her like I’d want a girl to treat me. I really want to actually like a woman if I’m going to have any personal interaction with her, I just think that if I’d lower my standards, I’d be disingenious with her, since there’d be some selfish reason why I’d be around her in the first place. I don’t want to be the guy that “does girls a favor” by overlooking stuff I really don’t like about them. I do want to make progress in the dating scene and gain experience and confidence so when that one person comes along I’d be ready, but I don’t want to hurt another girl’s feelings in pursuit of that goal by toying with her emotions. What I’m trying to say is, how would a person reconcile his personal ambitions regarding preparing for a “girl worth keeping” with his morals regarding being honest with another person regarding his feelings towards them? Do keep up your work in helping people like me out, and I’m interested as to what you have to say.

    • Nick Notas on July 26, 2018

      Hey Didius,

      I think you have two options:

      – Choose a girl you are still physically attracted to but is maybe not your ideal long-term partner. I know you don’t want to use anyone but that’s why you just have to be upfront about your intentions of keeping things casual. Women are adults too and if you’re honest about what you want, it’s their responsibility to decide if they’re okay with that or not. OR…
      – Don’t settle for anything less than a girl you want a relationship with. You’re going to have to be patient and maybe endure losing some opportunities with great women. But if you can handle that, then don’t casually date down and just only pursue women you really desire from the start.

      Hope that helps!

  5. Bert on July 24, 2018

    A way that helped me a lot, is starting to meditate to stop the inner talks in my head about my looks. Once I got that under control, I realized my mind was just telling me bullshit, and I just have to keep growing myself into something beautiful.

    Great article Nick thanks for the advice!

    • Nick Notas on July 26, 2018

      That’s awesome Bert! I just recently got a bit more serious about meditation and I’m really seeing the value in it. This sounds like a great way to quiet your negative self talk.


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