The Painful Experiences You Need to Meet the Women You Want

May 17th, 2018 by Nick Notas 28 Comments

Rejected Approach

Simple question:

Do you want to meet more women?

Then here’s the hard truth:

At some point…

You WILL get rejected. Some women will be unavailable or uninterested to you.

You WILL have awkward moments. You will be nervous, stuck in your head, and not know what to say.

You WILL be seen as creepy. A woman may not find you attractive in the moment and perceive you as creepy. This may happen even when you introduce yourself in a normal, polite way that doesn’t justify it.

People WILL judge you. Someone may see you trying to talk to a woman and think it’s weird. Your friends might make might fun of you.

But the huge payoff is…you find an amazing girl who’s crazy about you!

So if you ever want to attract and connect with the women you really want…

You HAVE to accept that you’ll endure some emotional pain. You HAVE to be okay with causing some discomfort in the process. And you HAVE to accept the unavoidable reality that some women just. won’t. like. you.

As Ray Dalio says, “Pain + Reflection = Progress” 

Those experiences are the only way you can grow and improve. That exposure and feedback is essential.

You have to see the value in the pain process

The Value in Painful Experiences

One reason you struggle to have choices in your romantic life is because you do the EXACT opposite of what will help you succeed.

You do everything possible to avoid pain.

You never want to have a “bad” real-world experience.

So you constantly read advice because it gives you a false sense that you’re making progress. You believe there’s some secret that will fix everything and make sure you never embarrass yourself.

You wait around hoping that some opportunity will present itself without you having to do anything. You spend years using online dating even when it’s frustrating and doesn’t deliver the type of women that interest you.

But the likelihood of this approach providing romantic fulfillment is almost non-existent.

When you avoid pain you avoid your potential for growth. Pain is an inevitable part of getting better at anything.

You want to build a better body and more strength? You have to tear your muscle fibers and endure some exhausting workouts. You can’t get into shape by just thinking or reading about it.

You can’t become a good developer without writing some horrible code first. You can’t learn an instrument without sounding like shit initially. You can’t be a stand-up comedian without bombing in front of an audience. You can’t be a good parent without making some mistakes with your children.

And remarkably, you don’t let that pain stop you from improving those things in your life. You don’t see it as a reflection of your deeper self-worth. You know it’s just part of the process in building your skillset.

So why should you take those experiences with women more personally?

You shouldn’t. Your ego just feeds you lies that the pain means something deeper about you.

If a woman isn’t interested in you, it has nothing to do with you as a person. It’s because of your incompatibility or your behavior in that moment. It’s just one temporary hurdle, with one person, that you can overcome in the future.

You just have to recognize the value in these uncomfortable experiences and push through them.

Then you will see how many other women will feel you’re exactly who they’re looking for.

You may cause some discomfort, but you aren’t doing anything wrong

Shameful man

I know the other reason you avoid meeting women is because you’re scared of bothering them. You’re ashamed that you’re going to upset them or creep them out by saying hello.

This makes you feel like approaching women is somehow fundamentally “wrong”.

That’s bullshit, though. That assumes all women are going to have a miserable time talking to you.

We’re all searching for meaningful human connections — women included. It’s at the top of our list for living a happy life. Most people will entertain 30 seconds of conversation to meet someone that could change their entire world.

Many women will be so excited to connect with you, even if you’re inexperienced. You don’t need to be perfect to make good impressions. And with time, you’re only going to get better at engaging people and making connections.

For women who aren’t interested, that doesn’t automatically mean they hated the experience. They’re often flattered someone found them interesting or attractive. I see women all the time who are blushing or smiling even after they’ve turned down a guy.

But unavoidably, some women will see you talking to them as a “negative experience”.

Why is that such a big deal?

You can introduce yourself politely and see if they’re interested in chatting. If they’re not, you accept that gracefully and leave.

You’re not ruining their day by being a human trying to connect in a healthy way. You’re not doing anything illegal. You’re not threatening them or attacking them. It’s 30 seconds of mild discomfort for them and then it becomes a distant memory.

Guy talking together

By approaching women, you are not creating lasting emotional pain. So stop believing that you are.

Why should you give up all chances of fulfillment for you and the women who want to connect with you just in case someone feels a little awkward?

You don’t expect everyone to do that in other areas of life.

Should we stop expressing our different opinions in case it offends someone? Should we never ask for help in case it burdens someone? Should we never ask our bosses for a raise in case it upsets them?

No, that would be fucking insane. We would all be a lot more miserable.

We don’t feel “wrong” in those moments because we see the bigger picture. We understand that we only have control over our actions. We can use good judgment but we can’t read other people’s minds.

So all we can do is lead with what we want and allow others to convey what they want. Then we respect their wishes.

For a happier, more connected world, we have to risk causing slight friction to find people who align with us. I’ve watched hundreds of women build beautiful relationships from guys who just decided to walk up to them. I’m in one of those relationships myself.

If these women are feeling happier, finding their dream partners, and even starting wonderful families — it can’t be wrong for them!

And again, that’s the whole point.

In the pursuit of better romantic lives for everyone, you’ve got to accept some women won’t like you. And you’ve got to accept it’s impossible to avoid any discomfort for you or others in the courtship process.

If you can’t accept those two truths, sure, you can avoid some pain now. But you’ll be trading it for the huge pain of regret later.

For me, I’d always endure a little pain for a much better life.

  1. Ben on May 17, 2018

    I’ve been avoiding saying hi to this girl I see all the time at the coffee shop next to my house. I keep worrying about if it’s going to be weird but I know it’s just my own fears. I’ve just got to get it over with and see what happens.

    • Nick Notas on May 17, 2018

      What matters is you recognizing your own false limits and accepting you need to put in the hard work. Take the shot!

      • KJ on May 17, 2018

        GREAT ADVICE. We All need to hear this and except it. As a salesman, I run to rejection all the time it doesn’t bother me. But with women, I’m a major pussy.

  2. James on May 17, 2018

    “They’re often flattered someone found them interesting or attractive.”

    Why is the onus on the man to flatter her? If she isn’t interested in me why do I care whether or not she’s flattered?

    ” I see women all the time who are blushing or smiling even after they’ve turned down a guy.”

    So she got her ego stroked while I get to feel somewhat crappy for getting rejected. What pain does she have to endure to get better attracting a mate?

    • Nick Notas on May 17, 2018

      No one said you HAVE to flatter her, just that may feel that way by you wanting to say hi. I would love it if more women were proactive in showing interest.

      She’s not asking you to stroke her ego, it’s just a byproduct of the interaction.

      As for who endures pain, it would be the same if a woman showed interest in you that you turned down. That happens a lot as well, just in different ways. Many dudes use women for sex and then leave them.

      We can all hurt each other at times.

      • James on May 18, 2018

        I know you didn’t say the man had to flatter her or stroke her ego. My point was why does she get the positive reinforcement by someone showing interest in her and the man possibly can get the short end of the stick in the form a (or several) rejection(s)? I guess it’s the BS that comes with having a Y chromosome.

  3. Mark on May 17, 2018

    I’ve fought back from suffering badly with depression and mental health since I was 19 I’m now 29 that’s made it tough to approach let alone meet a woman, so I’ve generally taken the approach of being fearless now going up to a woman but I do get turned down a lot and I do fear that if I keep putting myself out there I’m one rejection away from spiralling back into depression but reading this has given me confidence that won’t happen and strong enough to take the pain

    • Nick Notas on May 17, 2018

      That’s huge Mark and you should be proud of yourself. Just remember as tough as it can be sometimes, a rejection doesn’t define you.

      If youre approaching regularly, which is arguably the hardest part for guys. You’re creating endless opportunities to practice and improve your connections after the intro.

  4. Benjamin on May 17, 2018

    I was afraid of a certain girl , in my class, but last week after I build confidence I get her number and she was very friendly and she calls me often, its her most of times who start conversations

    • Nick Notas on May 17, 2018

      Good job man, now invite her to hang out!

  5. Andrew on May 17, 2018

    it sounds like men were meant to experience more growth, or social growth in life than women do

    • Nick Notas on May 17, 2018

      Hmm, interesting but I think that’s complicated. Women grow socially in other ways sometimes. Networking (especially with other women), being assertive to gain respect that sometimes men automatically get, nurturing others to build close friendships, and countless other avenues.

      • Andrew on May 25, 2018

        reason why I mention that, is because this is something I’ve noticed for a few years now, whenever a guy, man, improves his dating life, becomes better with women, it benefits him, helps him in other areas in his life, such as business, career, job promotions for example, getting a raise at work, etc., But not the other way around whenever I hear of a woman improving her dating life

  6. Alex on May 17, 2018

    Ahh, this article hits me right in the gut because you’re saying exactly everything I’m afraid of. I’m currently in the process of getting my PhD and defending my dissertation – so why should approaching women be so intimidating? It’s a hurdle that’s been looming over me

    • Nick Notas on May 17, 2018

      If you’re doing your dissertation, your conquering something more challenging than approaching a woman haha. Just like you’ve slowly chipped away at that, you’ve got to get a little experience at a time with being more social.

  7. Sham on May 17, 2018

    Be smart . Don;t just approach any women that you meet on the street . Only approach women who give positive signals , for example they smile at you , they make eye contact , they blush etc. Women help when they like you . If you are a friendly person , you give out friendly vibration , don’t be surprise if random women approach you all the time .

    • Nick Notas on May 18, 2018

      I appreciate the sentiment but that’s just not a viable strategy.

      You should definitely be conscious if you get those signals because that’s when a woman is making it most obvious she’s interested. Those are your best opportunities.

      But many women won’t signal interest even when they are interested. Or, they won’t notice you but be completely open to meeting you.

      80%+ of the connections I’ve witnessed are when a guy just walks up to a woman who didn’t necessarily notice them. If you always are looking for signals, you’re going to miss out on a lot of connections.

  8. Shannon on May 17, 2018

    If online dating is unsuccessful, what would be a better option? Since I don’t go out a lot.

    • Nick Notas on May 18, 2018

      It doesn’t have to be unsuccessful, just sometimes people struggle with it. They often just have to put in the right effort to improve their results: better photos, more lighthearted and emotionally engaging messaging, moving things to a date quicker.

      But if you’re not into online and don’t get out, you’re going to be limited in your options. You have to interact with people to connect with them.

      One option could be to ask friends if they know anyone they think would be a good fit.

      Otherwise, you could go to designated “singles events” where you’re all supposed to talk to each other. But honestly, I haven’t seen people have as much success in those environments.

      So all in all, you’re going to have to take shots regardless, either in-person or online.

  9. Paolo on May 18, 2018

    Mr. Nick you’ve been dropping bombs lately.

  10. John Jones on May 18, 2018

    I like this article Nick. I’m guessing the issue I’m facing is the reaction I get from women is what aggravates me the most. I don’t meet the ones that blush when the turn me down, I get the once’s that come off real disrespectful and make it seem like I’m wasting their time.

    • Nick Notas on May 18, 2018

      Yeah, that can definitely be frustrating and tough to keep experiencing. So what you have to figure out is why you’re getting those responses.

      I would look through some of my articles on meeting people and see what you could test to improve: body language, eye contact, what you’re initially saying, how you’re holding conversation after. Figure out what you may not be doing and start working on implementing it.

  11. Michael on May 18, 2018

    This I pretty hard for me. If I accept the main points of the article, the outcomes aren’t very good for me. Frankly, it’s not worth the trade off, the short term pain (i.e., tolerating the awkwardness associated with taking the actions recommended here) isn’t really ok for me/ worth the long term payoff. Which, as Nick points out, means that things probably won’t change/ get better. This is better than tolerating the kinds of situations described above, but still not very good.

    • Nick Notas on May 18, 2018

      I’m sorry to hear you feel the long-term value isn’t worth it. The ability to meet and connect with new people (not just women) is massive and life-changing.

      I would challenge you that maybe you’re taking the short-term pain too personally and hard. So that’s why it feels like it’s not worth it. A lot of that can be resolved by working on your self-esteem, practicing being more vulnerable with people, and even ideas like rejection therapy.

  12. Kingshuk on May 19, 2018

    Solid post, Nick!

  13. Lee on May 21, 2018

    The implied portrait of women in so many of these blog posts (thank you, Nick, for all these posts through the years) is that women are never anxious or insecure but are self-assured, confident, independent and would rather be alone, unwanted and unloved than to condescend to a guy whom they perceive to be… you’ve got it…needy. And what’s needy? Revealing that you want and need love and affection and that you have love and affection to give. So we need to “make a great life for ourselves” apart from loving relationships so that loving relationships become “frosting on the cake” (Robert Glover’s phrase.) But what is this “great cake?” It seems to consist of having a good job, working out at the gym and having cool hobbies like snowboarding or knowing how to cook Mexican or Thai food.

    I don’t disagree with any of this. It may very well be that the typical woman’s attitude when it come to men and romance is, “impress me.” We live in an culture in which another’s value is a function of how useful they are, how well they fulfill my needs. In the all-about-me culture, attraction is a passive feeling, something that happens to me, not a choice I make. “He/she turns me on” as though I’m an electrical switch.

    I went to a dance the other night in the company of a woman who has no romantic interest in me. No problem. We danced together, I slipped my arm around her, I gave out signals that said, “Check it out. She’s with me.” She didn’t care. My goal? Social proof. By giving out a false vibe that hinted that this lady finds me romantically attractive, my hope was to improve my chances with the other women who were there since the chances of women finding a guy attractive supposedly improve if other women find him attractive. It’s mutual manipulation. Honesty and sincerity touted as being of value in their own right are considered as such not because they’re truly of value in their own right but because they presumably offer the best chance of getting us what we want.

    I’m on board. Somewhere over the rainbow men and woman may not have to play these games, but that’s there and we’re here.


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