The Painful Experiences You Need to Meet the Women You Want
Do you want to meet more women?
Then here’s the hard truth:
At some point…
You WILL get rejected. Some women will be unavailable or uninterested to you.
You WILL have awkward moments. You will be nervous, stuck in your head, and not know what to say.
You WILL be seen as creepy. A woman may not find you attractive in the moment and perceive you as creepy. This may happen even when you introduce yourself in a normal, polite way that doesn’t justify it.
People WILL judge you. Someone may see you trying to talk to a woman and think it’s weird. Your friends might make might fun of you.
But the huge payoff is…you find an amazing girl who’s crazy about you!
So if you ever want to attract and connect with the women you really want…
You HAVE to accept that you’ll endure some emotional pain. You HAVE to be okay with causing some discomfort in the process. And you HAVE to accept the unavoidable reality that some women just. won’t. like. you.
As Ray Dalio says, “Pain + Reflection = Progress”
Those experiences are the only way you can grow and improve. That exposure and feedback is essential.
You have to see the value in the pain process
One reason you struggle to have choices in your romantic life is because you do the EXACT opposite of what will help you succeed.
You do everything possible to avoid pain.
You never want to have a “bad” real-world experience.
So you constantly read advice because it gives you a false sense that you’re making progress. You believe there’s some secret that will fix everything and make sure you never embarrass yourself.
You wait around hoping that some opportunity will present itself without you having to do anything. You spend years using online dating even when it’s frustrating and doesn’t deliver the type of women that interest you.
But the likelihood of this approach providing romantic fulfillment is almost non-existent.
When you avoid pain you avoid your potential for growth. Pain is an inevitable part of getting better at anything.
You want to build a better body and more strength? You have to tear your muscle fibers and endure some exhausting workouts. You can’t get into shape by just thinking or reading about it.
You can’t become a good developer without writing some horrible code first. You can’t learn an instrument without sounding like shit initially. You can’t be a stand-up comedian without bombing in front of an audience. You can’t be a good parent without making some mistakes with your children.
And remarkably, you don’t let that pain stop you from improving those things in your life. You don’t see it as a reflection of your deeper self-worth. You know it’s just part of the process in building your skillset.
So why should you take those experiences with women more personally?
You shouldn’t. Your ego just feeds you lies that the pain means something deeper about you.
If a woman isn’t interested in you, it has nothing to do with you as a person. It’s because of your incompatibility or your behavior in that moment. It’s just one temporary hurdle, with one person, that you can overcome in the future.
You just have to recognize the value in these uncomfortable experiences and push through them.
Then you will see how many other women will feel you’re exactly who they’re looking for.
You may cause some discomfort, but you aren’t doing anything wrong
I know the other reason you avoid meeting women is because you’re scared of bothering them. You’re ashamed that you’re going to upset them or creep them out by saying hello.
This makes you feel like approaching women is somehow fundamentally “wrong”.
That’s bullshit, though. That assumes all women are going to have a miserable time talking to you.
We’re all searching for meaningful human connections — women included. It’s at the top of our list for living a happy life. Most people will entertain 30 seconds of conversation to meet someone that could change their entire world.
Many women will be so excited to connect with you, even if you’re inexperienced. You don’t need to be perfect to make good impressions. And with time, you’re only going to get better at engaging people and making connections.
For women who aren’t interested, that doesn’t automatically mean they hated the experience. They’re often flattered someone found them interesting or attractive. I see women all the time who are blushing or smiling even after they’ve turned down a guy.
But unavoidably, some women will see you talking to them as a “negative experience”.
Why is that such a big deal?
You can introduce yourself politely and see if they’re interested in chatting. If they’re not, you accept that gracefully and leave.
You’re not ruining their day by being a human trying to connect in a healthy way. You’re not doing anything illegal. You’re not threatening them or attacking them. It’s 30 seconds of mild discomfort for them and then it becomes a distant memory.
By approaching women, you are not creating lasting emotional pain. So stop believing that you are.
Why should you give up all chances of fulfillment for you and the women who want to connect with you just in case someone feels a little awkward?
You don’t expect everyone to do that in other areas of life.
Should we stop expressing our different opinions in case it offends someone? Should we never ask for help in case it burdens someone? Should we never ask our bosses for a raise in case it upsets them?
No, that would be fucking insane. We would all be a lot more miserable.
We don’t feel “wrong” in those moments because we see the bigger picture. We understand that we only have control over our actions. We can use good judgment but we can’t read other people’s minds.
So all we can do is lead with what we want and allow others to convey what they want. Then we respect their wishes.
For a happier, more connected world, we have to risk causing slight friction to find people who align with us. I’ve watched hundreds of women build beautiful relationships from guys who just decided to walk up to them. I’m in one of those relationships myself.
If these women are feeling happier, finding their dream partners, and even starting wonderful families — it can’t be wrong for them!
And again, that’s the whole point.
In the pursuit of better romantic lives for everyone, you’ve got to accept some women won’t like you. And you’ve got to accept it’s impossible to avoid any discomfort for you or others in the courtship process.
If you can’t accept those two truths, sure, you can avoid some pain now. But you’ll be trading it for the huge pain of regret later.
For me, I’d always endure a little pain for a much better life.