10 Mistakes That Make You Look Desperate

March 10th, 2015 by Nick Notas 22 Comments


During the early stages of dating, a girl doesn’t want to feel that you’re way more invested than she is.

She wants you to be secure, not clingy. She wants you to see her as a person, not idealize her. And she wants to know you are choosing her — and not just because you’re desperate for a girlfriend.

Now I’ve written before about how neediness is a state of mind and not necessarily your actions. Anything you do can be needy or not needy.

But I would be naive to think that some behaviors didn’t still look “desperate”, even if they’re coming from a healthy place.

1. Writing longer messages than hers

Listen, I hate playing games. If I like someone, I’m going to talk to them and not overthink it. But I also understand that smothering a girl too soon can be a huge turnoff.

Just remember to keep your text conversations at the same length or less than hers. Otherwise it can be overwhelming as she thinks, “He’s seems way too serious already. It also makes her feel like she needs to reply more when texting is supposed to be light and fun.

2. Double texting when you don’t hear a response

So you sent a girl a message and now you keep checking your phone. 15 minutes go by, then half an hour, and then an hour. Now you’re panicking and wondering if she’s ignoring you. You’re dying for a response because you just have to find out for sure.

So you decide to send her another message. This is the dreaded “double text”.

Just relax. Maybe she just got caught up at work. Maybe she’s hanging with friends or family. Maybe she’s been busy taking a shower and getting ready.

Whatever the reason, it can come across intense for you to follow up when you didn’t get an immediate reply. And if she was ignoring you, messaging her again isn’t going to get her more attracted to you — it’ll do the opposite.

If you don’t hear back, text her in a day or two.

3. Asking if she got your last message or confronting her about not responding

Just like “double texting”, never ask a girl if she got your last message. Assume she did and that she hasn’t responded for a reason. That reason isn’t always negative and pestering her about replying shows you’re just waiting around staring at your phone.

Sometimes guys will “joke” about a girl ignoring them or being a flake. You say stuff like, “You’re a really busy girl, huh?”

You can claim you were just kidding, but the truth is that it’s usually coming from a place of insecurity or frustration. You feel that desperate need to get a response out of her. This is a great way to make a girl feel like you’re an angry, passive-aggressive guy.

You Can't Ignore the Wonka!

4. Showering her with gifts before you’ve gotten to know her

You can’t buy a girl’s affection. You may buy her attention as a provider but you’re not creating genuine attraction. You alone are more than enough to build a romantic connection with a woman.

Maybe you think showing her what you can offer will give you a better chance…but all you do is set yourself up as a guy who needs to compensate to get women. You might end up with a woman, but she’ll only be attracted to your financials.

Many women also feel pressured or manipulated by a guy who buys them things. They feel like like it’s a tactic to have them indebted to a man — which is often true.

If you want to buy a girl gifts, make sure she’s in a romantic relationship with you first. By then, she’s invested in you and it’s fine to show your girlfriend you appreciate her.

5. Professing your feelings outright without flirting or creating attraction

This happens if you’re a “nice guy” and stuck in the friend zone. You’re afraid to flirt, create physical contact, or move things forward with the girl you like.

Instead, you pretend to be an amazing friend. You believe that if you just hang around for a while, you’ll build a romantic connection. And when that romance never happens, you resort to an outright declaration of love.

You tell her that you like her and care so much about her. You promise you’ll treat her better than any other guy. You try to convince her that you’re perfect for her.

What you’re missing is that attraction is an emotion a woman must feel through your fun, bold, and sexual intentions. Basically, flirting is what turns a girl on.

One of two things happen after your declaration: the girl lets you down gently, often saying, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Or, more rarely, a girl agrees to try it out because she knows you’re polite and really do care about her. Within days or weeks she realizes she still doesn’t feel that sexual attraction and breaks things off.

6. Showing up at her work or home unannounced

Yes it’s charming in the movies, but in real life it’s mostly terrifying. And really creepy.

A lot of guys do this to force a woman to have an interaction with them. You then put her in a position where she has to talk to you even if it’s not convenient.

Women take their jobs seriously, too, and they don’t want their managers to see them fraternizing on company time. You’re just going to make her uncomfortable or pissed off.

If you can’t get a woman to respond or accept seeing you with a simple, “Hey, I’ll swing by your place today and say hi.” then you shouldn’t show up. But it’s still almost always better to setup a date outside of her work environment.

7. Being available for her at any time

Whenever you’re making plans with a girl, suggest a single day to hang out. If she can’t hang out then, she can let you know a better day or you can tell her a different time that works for you.

You never want to say, “I’m free whenever, just let me know.” or “I’m open Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and the weekend.” You’re not being concrete enough and you won’t get her to commit to a specific day with you.

More importantly, a quality guy with a great lifestyle values his time and is busy. He’s working, working out, exploring his hobbies, hanging with friends, and even dating other women. He’s not going to completely clear his schedule to see one girl he’s not fully invested in yet. She has to put in some effort to make time or find a day that’s good for both of you.

If you really have all that free time, then you should work on becoming a man that women chase.

8. Making plans really far into the future

Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves when we like a girl and it’s going well. We feel that attraction and already start planning out our future together.

You start looking at concert tickets for two months away. Or you plan a cool weekend getaway. You’re all excited to tell her about these new ideas because you think it’s sweet.

When you tell her, you don’t get the response you like. She seems hesitant. She says she’ll have to think about it or she doesn’t know her schedule yet. Sometimes, she may even agree to it and then back out later.

It’s because you tried to force a deeper connection. She’s enjoying her initial dates with you and being in the moment. She hasn’t even thought that far ahead. The fact that you’re planning a summer vacation together when it’s still March is intimidating.

It’s the same thing with….

9. Talking about an exclusive relationship way too soon

Guys will have a couple of good dates with a girl and think it’s a done deal. They’re sold on her and want to ensure she’s as committed as they are. They also want to make sure she stops seeing other men.

The problem is that most women aren’t sure if they want to be exclusive with a guy until after several dates. And usually, until after sex.  If you pressure her to decide before then, she may see her only option as breaking things off.

It’s basic psychology — the more we invest time or emotion into something, the more attached we become. And sex is one of the most emotional and vulnerable acts a woman can engage in.

There’s no need to discuss an exclusive relationship immediately unless she addresses it first. Have a handful of dates, hook up, and if you’re still feeling the connection — then you can have the “relationship talk”.

10. Asking her if she’s seeing other guys or what she does with them

Before you become exclusive, it’s normal for both parties to still see other people. If she wants to see other guys, you can’t force her not to.

Needing to know anything and everything she does with other guys makes you come across as insecure, controlling, and jealous. She’ll start to think, “If he’s already like this, how much worse would it be when we’re actually together?”

Remember, she’s not your possession and you don’t own her. What she does with her romantic life is private — she can share it with you on her own if she decides to.

The tighter your grasp, the sooner she’ll want to escape it.

Want my personal 1-on-1 help to implement what you’ve just learned? I work with guys just like you to magnetically attract women, increase their confidence, and become the man girls really want.

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  1. TJ on March 10, 2015

    How do I break the habit of constantly checking my phone for a reply?

    • Nick Notas on March 10, 2015

      A lot of that comes back to self-esteem and not needing outside approval.

      For a more practical approach, distract yourself. Be productive and build abundance.

      Go to the gym. Hang out with friends. Apply for jobs. Message or meet other women. Explore some of your hobbies or do something active outdoors.

      Self-confident men invest in themselves and create lifestyles people want to be a part of.

    • EZ on March 18, 2015

      A little thing I do – aside from keeping yourself busy as Nick suggested – is to change your ringtone notifications to silent as a default, and remove the blinking light notification option.

      I did this and it’s liberating – although it takes a while to get used to it. Now I just check my phone when I have a spare moment. A message will either be there or won’t. I could have the phone right beside me at work and I won’t even know I have a message until I decide to look at it. Eventually you’ll just get tired of checking frequently and your checking intervals will become longer.

    • Jon Stinson on June 25, 2015

      I think you need to fuck a chick as soon as possible then throw her aside before she thinks she’s won she come find you either slap you or want some more, then fuck her again if your lucky and she’s sold on being treated how ever you treat her lol

    • coco on September 3, 2015

      Get more girls to text 😛 a lot more. Some girls aren’t texters… or so they will say. It’s a lie. If a girl likes you enough they are going to want to text you and call you at all possible free moments of their life (unless they’re too old for that shit or theyre legit really busy). If they like you enough they will make time… they will text you in the washroom at work, while they take a shit, while theyre with their family, doesn’t matter. Find someone that will give you the time and attention that you want… I’m not a needy guy, but I have lots of wants/expectations. If someone doesn’t appreciate me enough to want to satisfy my wants/whims there are many others that will.

    • Michael S on September 16, 2015

      I think I am guilty of number one. I like to text as I would normally speak. As when I make a statement I like it to be through and fully detailed. However I do not think this is what makes me lose the girl. I notice it tends to be I will say something they do not like or she says I am looking at other women on the dating site we met on

  2. Adam on March 10, 2015

    I’m happy to say I haven’t committed most of these. But it’s funny how when I have felt “desperate” for a girl’s attention, these are the exact behaviors I want to resort to. They don’t feel desperate in the moment but now I can see how they come across as such.

    • Nick Notas on March 18, 2015

      It’s great that you’re self-aware enough to catch yourself in the moment. That’s a huge skill in itself.

  3. AkaiRyu on March 11, 2015

    Man,I failed hard.I always did 1 2 3 4 5

    • Nick Notas on March 18, 2015

      No such things as failure, only feedback 🙂 You can always change your actions in the future.

  4. Jon on March 11, 2015

    #9 gets me every time!

  5. Stevie on March 11, 2015

    I just did at least 3 of these things with the last woman I dated. I made plans about the future, but in a joking way. I talked about exclusivity before we had sex and I was always available. Shame on me.

    • Nick Notas on March 18, 2015

      I’ve been there, too man. But you just have to remember these lessons and use them to make smarter decisions in the future.

  6. Carl on April 9, 2015

    Hey Nick, just wanted to say man your website is outstanding but I do have one question.

    With the girl im currently getting into at the moment (im paying cautious attention to the 10 tips above and to be honest think im pretty sweet) im pretty keen to take it to the next level.

    I think we have a great connection and rapport (we’ve hooked up, can openly tease each other, talk about feelings etc haha), but the problem is she keeps saying she wants to take things slow.

    I can respect that because shes new in town and supposedly doesn’t want to rush into a relationship, but at the same time I like to live life on a fast pace (suppose im more of a yes or no kind of person), and I just want to either get into a passionate relationship or pull out completely. I hope that doesn’t make me sound selfish, but I just think that taking things slow would kill the excitement.

    I guess what im asking you Nick, (bearing in mind I think shes a great girl and we have a alot of similarities and would go well together), is should I make it clear that im not that into her and doubtful of whether it would work (possibly making her admit or at least realize she wants a relationship)? Makes me sound manipulative and like a bit of a douche I know, but I just cant stand sitting on the fence, or should I plan to just date her and try make an impression that way?

    Cheers (if your more into the second option, would you have any tips around that?)

  7. Andrew on April 27, 2015

    Is it normal to feel like this for some guys when it comes to being the initiator, being the active pursuer when it comes to meeting women? like it can feel like a paradox at times of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”, because people always say things like “when you are comfortable and content, the women will come, don’t go looking for women, let them find you, it will happen when you least expect it”, when you work on yourself, focus on yourself, and then the women will come.

    I hate it when people say that, maybe i’m not interpreting them correctly because obviously women will never literally come to a guy, despite how modern life and society has become, men are still expected to be the initiators while women are the passive.

    So basically, it’s hard to be assertive and at the same time, avoid coming across as needy or desperate. That’s why it can feel like a paradox of damned if you do, damned if you don’t, because if you don’t do anything, nothing will happen because women expect men to make things happen, that’s part of being the initiator, and if you do something, take action, it can possibly come across as needy or desperate, which obviously women are repulsed by.

  8. Flo on July 13, 2015

    Nick, i really like the article. Most of the things mentioned above are symptoms of addiction. An addict always needs external validation. Usually, an addict is attracted or attracts emotionally unavailable people. On the other hand, if you’re ok with yourself and know who you are; almost anything you do comes from a place of love and authenticity. I believe that as long as you’re ok with yourself and she still doesn’t want you, that’s her problem. We usually tend to blame ourselves exclusively, even though a relationship (from a platonic stand to a sexual one) is like a bridge; both sides have to be complete in order for one to cross it safely. 🙂

  9. MAYB HARTI on August 24, 2015

    oh crap :-/ I have already done almost all of these things with a girl I really like. 🙁 i was about to go for the outright declaration of love 😮 ..please help man 🙁 what should I do to get her to talk to me and kinda like me??

  10. Matt on August 24, 2015

    Is no. 10 acceptable if the girl has already asked you if you are seeing anyone else, and has asked you if you are interested in a serious relationship?

  11. Florjan on September 21, 2015

    Im failing on all of them atm thank god i found this now ^^

  12. zan on October 27, 2015

    I wish I had seen all this content 10-15 years back….now when i turn back and look i see all the mistakes i have made in the past and which prevented me from doing on date with many pretty girls.

  13. MT on September 5, 2016

    I did all 10 of them. I am hopeless as fcuk

  14. Samantha on September 6, 2016

    See, for me, I like when a guy is really intense with me. I like when his messages are longer than mine, and when it almost feels like he “owns” me, or we own each other. Too much light, playful banter makes me think a guy is a player who is not actually interested. I want a guy to be open and just say, I want to be with you. I don’t like it when guys are aloof or “toning it down.” I want intensity and complete openness. Is that weird?