Within 15 minutes of meeting, most girls know where to place you – either as a friend or potential romantic interest. Even if they’re not sold on hooking up yet, they can feel if there’s chemistry there.
That’s why when you’re interested in a woman you need to move things forward sexually. This is commonly known as “sexual escalation”.
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Connection Has To Grow, Personally And Intimately
As the depth of your conversation progresses so should your touching, proximity, and overall sexual intent. You start casual and get more personal.
By doing this, you build a connection gradually and smoothly. It gives her a chance to accept your advances or let you know she’s not ready or interested.
Going suddenly from zero touching to trying to kiss her is awkward and more stressful on you.
Many guys are afraid to escalate because they don’t want to jeopardize their chances. The catch-22 is that waiting actually decreases the likelihood that something will happen.
If she’s interested, delaying only frustrates her, bores her, or makes her think you aren’t attracted to her. If she’s not initially interested, touching can help generate that necessary spark.
And if she’s not interested at all, you find out early on and stop wasting your and her time.
Understanding Sexual Escalation
The two critical components of sexual escalation are:
Physical – Touching her. Making physical advances. Getting a first kiss. Having sex.
Logistics – Leading her somewhere else with you. Getting her number and out on a date. Having alone time. Bringing her back to your place.
There are other ways to escalate such as sexual compliments and statements of interest but these two are absolute. If you cannot kiss her or even get her alone to see you, you’re not going to be intimate.
Both of these build her investment in you.
Every time she willingly accepts your physical advances or goes with your leadership (logistics), she is opening up to you. She is trusting you more, showing vulnerability, and creating a deeper connection.
Below are general guidelines on when you should escalate from my years of experience. They are not set in stone.
I understand you can break all the rules and still succeed, but these will give you the best chance.
Note: For the physical touching levels below in parentheses, please reference this article.
A Timeline For Making Your Moves
Meeting a girl at night (bar, club, party, event)
Note: At networking or business events, high level touching is borderline and depends on the dynamic.
- Within 1-2 minutes: Break physical contact barrier. That can be a simple high five, introductory handshake, casual touch to emphasize a point, etc (low).
- Within 5-15 minutes: If she’s with a group, direct a statement or question to her. Shift your body language toward her. Initially you want to talk to everyone but soon create a one-on-one bubble of conversation. This allows the start of personal interaction without distraction. You can get into more forward touches (medium).
- Within 10-30 minutes: Lead her somewhere with you. Invite her to grab a drink, grab fresh air, or take a seat away from the music. This allows for deeper conversation, closeness, and heavier physical contact (high). This is a great way to go for a kiss since it’s private and she won’t feel judged around her friends.
- Within 15-45 minutes: Go for her number. You should continue talking and hanging out after so you should her that wasn’t your only objective, even briefly. As long as the interaction is positive, the longer you are together, the more likely she’ll respond in the future.
- Within 10-60 minutes: Kiss her (high) if you’re comfortable kissing at a bar. At this time, you’ve already touched her in less forward ways and built up to this moment. If she’s been receptive, simply lean in during conversation, kiss her, and roll back to discussion. You can periodically kiss her again now.
- Within 30 minutes-2 hours: If you’re looking to have sex the same night, you should push to go somewhere else. Grab a bite together, hop to another bar, or invite her to hang out or watch the new Passion Pit video at your place. Moving together is huge and shows serious investment on her part.
Meeting a girl during the day (shop, park, library, etc)
Unlike the nighttime, you want to keep touching casual and to a minimum at first. A handshake, high five, or quick touch on the shoulder is plenty.
If you decide to ask her to hang out then and there, then you can progress to higher levels of physical contact. Kissing may still be optional depending on the environment (public location vs more private like a park).
- Within 2-15 minutes: Go for her number (often 2-5 minutes) if you’re planning on leaving.
- Within 5-15 minutes: Go somewhere else for an instant date, unless you’re already sitting together. “I’ve got half an hour to kill, join me for a coffee.”
After getting a phone number
Before you’re seriously dating a girl, the phone is just a medium to see each other again.
- Within 20 minutes-24 hours max: Text her. The three day rule is BS. If a girl is interested, she wants to hear from you.
- Within 1-2 days: Call her if you like talking on the phone. Chat with her, rekindle the flame, and setup a date within 30 minutes of that conversation.
- Within 1-2 days of texting: Invite her out on a date. This could even be after 1-5 exchanges. Don’t messages for days or weeks on end.
Meeting a woman via online dating
Once you get a response to a message, you want to offer plans and get her number ASAP.
She’s on a dating site looking to go on dates. Waiting will pigeonhole you as a guy who is only there to give her attention.
Moving forward weeds out the girls who aren’t serious about meeting up.
- Within 1-6 back and forth exchanges: Invite her out on a date and get her number. I find 2-4 to be the sweet spot. You can also suggest jumping on a call early on to setup a date.
- Within 10-60 minutes of talking on a call: Invite her out on a date and get her number. Since conversation is being exchanged rapidly, you can get flirtier and deeper quickly.
On first and subsequent dates
- Within 5 minutes: Break the touch barrier (low), unless you’ve already kissed. A welcoming hug or kiss on the cheek (depending on previous interaction) is a great way to start. Guys are often scared to hug, but if she’s on a date and won’t even hug you, you’re gonna have a bad time.
- Throughout the date: Escalate your touches from low to high as long as she’s receptive. Keep escalating until you…
- Within 1-3 dates: Go for the first kiss by the first, if not second date. Chances drop significantly after that.Do not wait until end of date to kiss, do it by latest 2/3rds of the way through. It’s spontaneous, takes the pressure off her at the end of the date, and leaves a strong impression. You also leave room to get more intimate later on the date.
- Within 1-5 dates: Have amazing sex together. I hate putting a number on this because everyone is different and it’s a huge step. But, if sex is important to you and you aren’t waiting for marriage, you should at least try. Most women are ready by date 2-3, with 4-5 being the outer edges. After that, it often indicates she’s not that romantically interested in you or potentially has deeper, underlying issues.
Adjusting To Her Comfort Levels
Here’s a simple guideline to make sure you’re escalating well.
Basically, you’re trying to find the balance of consistently getting more intimate while making sure she’s ready and comfortable along the way.
- Green light: If you’re flirting and she’s receptive (allowing it warmly or flirting back), continue on.
- Yellow light: If she hesitates or tells you “not yet”, then pull back, keep building a connection, and try again in a few.
- Red light: If she sternly tells you to stop or gets upset, you need to respect her wishes and back off. Do not re-initiate flirting that night unless she re-initiates with you.
When in doubt, it’s best to err on the side of being a little too forward rather than too reserved. You need to learn how to show genuine interest and see if she feels the same way.
By making your intentions known through action, you’ll always get your answer.
Want to become more forward and assertive with women? Talk to me for a free strategy session.