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Crush Your Sexual Anxiety Once and For All

July 30th, 2012 by Nick Notas 8 Comments

I’ve covered a lot about sexuality recently. I’ve given you the proper mindset of a sexual man. I’ve shown you how women love sex and are turned on by being desired. I’ve explained how you will always be creepy to someone and why you shouldn’t worry about it. Now, I’m going to supply you with a roadmap to get over your anxiety, shame, and guilt associated with sex.

One night, I was out with a friend who struggled with expressing his sexual side. The guy knew how to hold conversation but any kind of flirting, touching, or leading was impossible to comprehend. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t break him out of his shell. I realized the only way I was going to convince him was through systematic desensitization: a process that is now fundamental in my coaching.

It’s the idea that the best way to overcome your fears and limiting beliefs is through action. You start with your most attainable goals and progressively increase the challenge. Each success you experience strips away your anxieties and proves to your mind that improvement is possible.

To begin, you must first admit your insecurities and recognize your defense mechanisms. Being vulnerable is the only way you will truly change.

Understand your insecurities and defenses

Right now you have all sorts of bullshit in your head that talks you out of being sexual. Examples:

“She’s not going to like being hit on.”
”I might creep her out.”
“She’s going to tell me to screw off.”
“She’s not that kind of girl.”
“She seems like a slut.”
“I don’t care about trying to hook up with girls.”
“Women are bitches who only want assholes and use men.”
“This isn’t me.”

All these excuses come from our insecurities, not from fact.

Do you really have any idea if she wants to be hit on or not? Do you actually know what type of girl she is, if she’s a slut, or that she won’t like you? Do you really not give a shit about meeting and having sex with a great girl? How do you know if it’s “not you” if you’ve never done it before? You watch porn and think about sex regularly; those desires are most definitely a part of you.

I used to be one of those guys that thought women were offended by sexuality. I believed it was impossible to kiss a girl within 15 minutes of meeting her. I swore that talking about sex early on in conversation was a turn-off. I couldn’t have been more wrong and ever since I shifted my reality, I’ve felt free.

Become consciously aware of the defense mechanisms you use. The most effective way to do this is by journaling – writing stuff down helps you be completely honest and dig into the depths of yourself.

Exercise: Write about your defense mechanisms and when you use them. Try to understand the reasons why you do and list how they’re based on false beliefs. Then when they appear in situations, remind yourself of them and how you shouldn’t accept them as legitimate.

Exercise: Write down your entire sexual past in detail. List your insecurities, failures, successes, and exactly how they make you feel. Be honest about the areas that are difficult to express (because you feel shame/guilt) and where you feel you need improvement.

Only when you know and accept your sore spots can you create a plan to heal them.

Take action and challenge your beliefs

Following my story earlier, my frustration with my friend’s progress led me to create “shameless nights.” The concept is to give yourself temporary permission to be ludicrously sexual. Right now you are way below the line of where you should be sexually forward. You have to go overboard and past that line so you can find the accurate middle-ground of where you should end up. Again, this isn’t permanent, but necessary to get you over the hump.

Don’t worry about your “results” right now. Focus only on the exercises below and tackle the examples that are out of your reach, one by one. For each exercise you finish, journal your experience.

Write about your fears going in to the approach, how you felt in the moment, and how different the outcome was compared to what you expected. Be as specific and as transparent as possible about each interaction. Do not move onto the next exercise until you have completed the previous. Of course, you can incorporate higher-level exercises or escalate if things heat up.

Note: All of the examples that require multiple tries can be completed with one woman or many. I generally recommend attempting these in person, either on an initial meeting or first date. You can also try some of the applicable ones in online dating but it will not help you as much as a face-to-face interaction will. Finally, these examples assume you’re already meeting women regularly. If you’re not, start with my free approaching guide.

Exercises for defeating sexual anxiety

  1. Smile and lock eye contact with three gorgeous women. Don’t look away until they do first. This might make you feel “creepy” but do it until you’re comfortable.
  2. Tease three times. Use the examples from my teasing article as necessary. Start with light teases and work your way up to more difficult ones.
  3. Give three sexual compliments.
    “You have a great smile.”
    “You have really sexy eyes.”
    “You look slammin‘ in that outfit.”
    “Mmm, you smell so good right now.”
    “I have to be honest, your ass looks amazing in that dress.”
  4. Ask three sexual questions.
    “Where was your first kiss?”
    “How good of a kisser are you?
    “What’s your favorite sex position?”
    “Where’s the craziest place you’ve had sex?”
    “What’s your secret sexual fantasy?”
  5. Make three statements of sexual interest.
    “I like your attitude.”
    “I want to do such naughty things to you.”
    “You have no idea what I’m thinking about you right now.”
    “You’re bad, I’m going to have to bend you over and spank you.”
    “Careful with what you’re saying, I can’t promise I’ll be a good boy.” (grin)
  6. Touch a woman three times. If she’s receptive, keep escalating. Use ideas from my touching article as necessary. Again, start with simple touches like a high five or a quick hand on the shoulder and then get more personal.
  7. Get rejected or offend a woman by being overly sexual. Tease too far or say an extremely bold sexual statement. You’ll realize how much harder it is than you imagined and find out what is acceptable.
  8. Lead two women somewhere with you. That can be to get a drink, table, or fresh air in your current venue. It can also be to leave to a different bar or grab a bite.
  9. Attempt to kiss three women or successfully kiss one.
  10. Take a woman home after kissing her (to your place or hers).
  11. Get a girl naked without having to “convince” her. She should be at the point where she willingly wants to be intimate with you.
  12. Have enjoyable sex with a woman.

Review, reflect, and reinforce new healthy values

I had two “shameless nights” with my friend and that’s all it took. He demolished his ideas of what he was capable of and unleashed the sexual power he had within. The first night after our shameless experiment, I watched him pull a girl from the bar, make out with her against the outside wall, and take her home. That’s when I knew this progressive system worked.

As you complete each exercise and write your experiences, you will tear down your limiting beliefs. It’s hard for those ideas to stay valid in your head when you’ve actively disproving them. As your insecurities try to rise up, you’ll have reference experiences to battle them away. You can even refer back to your writings as further backup:

“She wouldn’t want to be hit on.” is countered with “Well, that’s not true, the last girl I flirted with loved it.”

“I might creep her out.” is countered with “There’s always that chance but when it’s happened, it wasn’t that bad and I handled it.”

“She’s not that type of girl.” is countered with “The girls I’ve thought that about before have enjoyed sexual conversations with me.”

And each time a woman enjoys your flirting, touches you back, and opens up to you sexually, you will be reinforcing healthy values. You will shed your guilt and shame because girls are clearly enjoying your company. You will stop being sexually frustrated and start feeling fulfilled. You will finally internalize being a confident, sexual man.

Learn how to tap into your sexual power. Have a free strategy session with me.

  1. josh on July 30, 2012

    I’ve been skimming through a few of your articles and this is really helpful. Thanks for breaking down all the steps, now I have a place to start.

    • Nick Notas on July 30, 2012

      You’re very welcome. I designed it as a roadmap to get you there piece by piece. Thanks for the comment!

  2. Mike on July 30, 2012

    Nick, this is fantastic.

    I’ve been struggling with sexual anxiety for a while, and it’s a serious roadblock (made a post on reddit about it, ‘Why You’re Still Not Getting Laid’).

    I love actionable steps like this. The community is sick of bullshit. We want ACTION, and I love how you line it up so easily. Will be working my way up the ladder for sure.

    Thanks, and keep doing what you’re doing.

    • Nick Notas on July 31, 2012

      Mike, glad you liked the structure. I think a balance of theory along with specific, practical guidelines is always the best route. Let me know how everything goes!

      • Eric on June 13, 2013

        Hi Nick, I really like your writing. You’re on point. I was wondering though, I really fear that if I am incongruent (beta/unconfident) which I generally am, how am I supposed to say as sexual statement without risking a sexual harassment claim? I feel like the only way to get away with that stuff is if you’ve first mastered confidence/self-esteem. Am I wrong?

  3. David on July 30, 2012

    This is… exactly what I needed to continue progressing – analyzing my attitudes about females, sexuality, and relationships.

    Thanks a ton. 🙂

    • Nick Notas on July 31, 2012

      You’re welcome a ton David. Keep chipping away at it and you’ll get there.

  4. Oneironaut on October 25, 2012

    Some parts of this, aside from the systematic desensitization, seem much like some of the cognitive behaviour therapy things I’ve been doing to help with depression. Something to look into?