It seems like every day we see another sexual harassment or assault scandal unfold.
It’s heart-wrenching and often sickening. I can’t even imagine what the victims went through.
The silver lining is that these stories have brought attention to a seriously messed up problem. And awareness is the first step towards change.
But with any new movement, it comes with problems of its own. When people are emotional and passionate, some initially go to extremes to eventually find a reasonable middle ground.
So in an effort to protect a lot of young women from shit bags, good guys sometimes get lumped in. Awkward men who make bumbling advances or struggle with social skills are painted in the same light as men committing genuine sexual assault with malicious intent.
I don’t think that’s always fair. Courtship and communication is hard enough as it is. Nobody really teaches these things growing up. I believe there’s a much deeper, nuanced discussion to be had.
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Now, I’m seeing countless young men who are just inexperienced, awkward, or uneducated on romance becoming terrified of dating! Nearly every time they first speak with me, they share how they’re more hesitant than ever to introduce themselves to women or show interest. They believe if they do that, they’ll be ostracized by their peers, society, and face legal ramifications.
This CAN’T be a long-term solution. We know that taking initiative to meet people yields more connections. We know that a huge part of building healthy sexual chemistry and mutual attraction comes through flirting.
The good news is that I believe if you show your romantic interest respectfully, communicate well, and are aware of social cues — the chances of something going awry are slim. Shit only hits the fan when you don’t follow those three ideas.
My goal today is to help you avoid misunderstandings and regrettable situations. If we do that, we can prevent a lot of pain for everyone.
Avoid people directly under you at work if possible.
I never completely bought into the “don’t shit where you eat” saying. While dating co-workers can be risky, there are also endless amounts of couples who’ve done it successfully.
Things get trickier when the person of interest is a direct subordinate. You have influence over their job. That means some people may feel pressured or coerced into dating you for the safety of their position.
Unless you really like this person for more than just a hookup, tread with caution.
If you really want to date a co-worker (especially a subordinate), don’t flirt on the job.
Compliments on appearance, bold statements showing interest, physical contact, and anything sexual is off the table. Again, unwanted flirtatious advances in that environment can get dicey real quick.
Instead, you can have a lighthearted conversation and then ask them to grab a drink or dinner some night. This implies you want to see them in a more personal context. I may even be more obvious in that regard and also reassure them they can say no.
“I’d love to take you for a drink and get to know you better. No pressure at all, though.”
Don’t set false expectations.
Usually, you know when you’re not looking for anything more than a causal connection with a girl. But you’re afraid of being honest because you don’t want to lose her (or lose the potential for sex).
So instead, you tell her that you don’t know what you want. Maybe you say you’re open to a relationship if things go well. Maybe you even commit to her in the short term with plans to break it off after you get what you want.
This may be one of the most stupid, inconsiderate, and even inhumane things some guys do. You should never make false promises or lead a woman on to get laid.
Having sex with someone is one of the most vulnerable acts humans engage in. It’s so easy to get emotionally hurt, scarred, and be left with serious baggage. Everyone should get to decide to have sex when they’re fully informed about the other person’s intentions.
Getting laid through manipulation isn’t worth it. You fuck people up and they feel betrayed by you. That’s when you get regret and them telling others you took advantage of them.
Just be upfront when you have the “exclusivity” talk. It’s amazing how many women are cool with hookups when they know what’s going on. Then you can have all the healthy casual sex you desire without the potential fallout.
Follow the three strikes rule.
If you’ve texted or called a woman two or three times and she hasn’t replied, leave it be. The same goes if you’ve invited her out multiple times and she hasn’t committed nor offered a day when she’s available.
By now she knows you want to connect with her. It’s up to her to reciprocate. Continuing to follow up doesn’t look more confident, only more desperate and intense.
Repeated communication without a response can come across as stalking or harassment, even when that may not be your intent.
Never show up to a woman’s job or home unannounced.
These environments are safe havens for women. Most don’t want to mix their romantic lives with their work lives. They don’t want to risk awkward or intense moments in front of co-workers. They could be judged or even potentially lose their job.
Showing up to their house can also take away their sense of security. They now feel like you can harass them at their home anytime you want.
I don’t care if you had an amazing first date or two. Unless she’s told you to stop by or you have regularly gone to her work before you met her (like at Starbucks), don’t do it. Especially don’t do so if she’s not responding after a date and you believe you can get her out again by “surprising” her.
When a woman says to stop contacting her and she’s not interested, listen.
Rejection hurts and even more so when you felt like you had a real connection. But once a girl tells you to back off, you need to respect her wishes.
I can’t tell you how much of my time coaching is spent convincing men to stop pursuing women who aren’t interested. They’re so obsessed with salvaging their ego, they miss all the other opportunities for healthy connections around them.
A woman rejecting you isn’t some hidden code to beg her for another chance. Or to guilt trip her. Or to keep randomly following up with her every few days or weeks until she caves. Or to freak out and insult her when she doesn’t change her mind.
Harassment is literally defined as “aggressive pressure or intimidation.” What do you think those actions convey?
Don’t be intimate with a woman for the first time if she’s heavily intoxicated.
I don’t think someone being drunk automatically makes them unable to consent. If that were the case, a huge portion of the population would be guilty of sexual assault.
That said, there comes a point when people are clearly not in their right state of mind. They can’t fully understand everything that’s going on or make healthy decisions.
Even the law has a hard time with this because there’s no defined amount. It’s different for everyone and you have to use your best judgement. You know when someone is stumbling, slurring their words, puking, getting absurdly loud, or not making much sense — they’re probably too far gone.
If possible, try to avoid her getting that drunk in the first place. If you’re drinking and you feel she’s going past a stable limit, say something like, “How about we just relax and talk for a bit?” or “What if we stop drinking for awhile and just chill?”
If your date gets to that point where she’s too intoxicated, do not proceed towards sex. Even if she’s telling you she wants you. Even if she claims she’s horny and fine. Even if she seems angry at you or tries to bait you into it when you’re rejecting her advances.
It’s WAY too grey area and I’ve seen many women thank men the next day for not pushing forward because they truly weren’t thinking straight.
If she gets upset things didn’t progress and doesn’t want to see you again, that’s fine. It wasn’t worth the risk. The right woman will understand that you had good intentions and find that even more sexy for your future encounters.
Limit your alcohol consumption to a reasonable amount as well.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a couple of drinks. But again, when it comes to courtship, there’s a point when drinking any more isn’t going to do anything good for you.
When you’re heavily intoxicated you become way more bold while simultaneously losing your ability to pick up on social and non-verbal cues. This combination has made many guys push way too hard without realizing that the girl isn’t ready.
Your emotions tend to get amplified as well. When a girl gives you resistance, that hurt feels much more intense. You then feel overwhelmed with emotion and can end up taking it out on her.
Most of the benefits of alcohol, like a mood boost or more confidence, come within those first couple of drinks anyway. After that, you’re just getting sloppier. Sometimes, you even wake up the next day without even remembering an experience which should be cherished.
And if you really need that much alcohol on a date, I’d ask you…
Are you using alcohol as a crutch with women?
No unannounced displays of genitals.
I feel like half the stories I read of people getting in trouble with sexual advances is about them unexpectedly pulling out their junk on women. They show it off at work or just casually when their date turns around back at their place.
This is usually followed by some lame attempt to point at their stuff implying she should “do something”. Or they use some subtle coercion like, “Just give it a try.”
You must not understand women at all if you resort to this shit.
If a woman’s not ready for sex or aroused enough, seeing a surprise penis won’t get her going. Women don’t get turned on by random dicks unless they’re already feeling attracted to the individual.
In some cases, women go along with it because they feel trapped or don’t want to disappoint you.
But after it’s all done, they realize you put your need to get off or conquer her over her comfort. Again, regret is the worst and most dangerous way to start a romantic connection.
If you actually just took the time to comfort her, turn her on slowly, and respect her boundaries when she sets them — you’ll get laid. And probably not just once, but over and over.
When a woman’s excited to hook up, she’ll even pull your penis out for you. It’s amazing!
Give a girl permission to tell you no during foreplay or sex.
In an ideal world, we’d all communicate our boundaries. Many times, though, a woman will be alone with a guy and realize she’s hitting her limits but will be too afraid to say anything.
It’s tough to tell someone you don’t want to continue sexually when they’re revved up. Especially when you’re alone in a house and he can physically overpower you.
A lot of these communication issues can be solved through reassurance. As you’re starting to hook up, just tell her, “We’ll only take this as far as you want.” or “You can tell me at any time if you want to slow down or stop.”
A few words can make a women feel more secure with you and trust that you have her best interests in mind. That, in turn, often allows more space for her to get aroused with you. It’s a win-win for everyone.
Be mindful of body language when making a move.
If you’re getting non-verbal signals that show hesitance, don’t proceed. That could be her moving your hands off of you, turning her body away, closing her body, or facial signs of nervousness or discomfort.
Like I said, it makes some women nervous to verbally reject a man’s sexual advances when alone with him. They may have even had negative experiences with this in the past.
So if you’re uncertain about how she’s feeling, ask for clarity. Say, “Are you okay with this?”, “Are you comfortable right now?”, or “Do you want to keep going?”
Don’t leave your future (and hers) to guess-work.
If you get a verbal no, stop what you’re doing until you get a yes or consent.
This is fairly straightforward. If things are progressing sexually and you hit a point where she says stop or “I’m not ready” — you stop. You don’t tell her “Shhh, it’ll be okay,” “Let’s just try a little more,” or stop for a second and then continue trying.
You can only start things up again when she’s told you she wants to. Or, when you ask her what she wants and she gives you permission. For example, “Can I kiss you again?” or “What are you comfortable with?”
Sometimes when a woman says “no”, she’s saying it to a specific boundary, not your entire sexual encounter. And the only way to find that out is through compassionate communication. By doing this, you can often still be intimate in other ways and continue to build trust for the next time you’re together.
Don’t use any “tactics” or “manipulation” to get a girl to sleep with you.
Imagine…things are getting hot in the bedroom and at some point, she tells you she’s not ready. She doesn’t want to continue.
Now you’re frustrated as all hell and maybe even taking it a little personally. After all this, you don’t want to go home feeling like an empty-handed loser.
Maybe you read somewhere that if you give her a cold shoulder she’ll come around. You act distant or make her feel bad for leading you on. You think with a little more persistence, you’ll get her to change her mind.
You might be right and “convince” that girl to sleep with you. But just like pulling out your junk to pressure her, she’s going to feel used. She’s going to reflect on that experience with anger, disgust, and remorse — as she should.
Your temporary satisfaction can scar her and get you in serious trouble. Is it really worth it?
Don’t message her friends or co-workers to get her back unless you have a close, personal relationship with them.
A woman stops taking your messages or rejects you outright. You get the bright idea to win her back through her friends.
You add these strangers on social media and start explaining what happened. You tell her friends about your dates and share personal details. You beg for them to help you out and message her to give you another chance.
This woman is not going to find it charming, only manipulative and stalkerish. She’s going to think you invaded her private life, harassed her friends, shared things she may have wanted to keep private, and that you’re totally oblivious to social norms. It also makes her look bad in front of her friends — who she now has to apologize to.
I have never seen this work even once.
A little compassion and understanding creates fun, healthy dating experiences for everybody.