Why You Should Learn to Walk Away

May 29th, 2013 by Nick Notas 52 Comments

Walk the Line

I’ve made many romantic connections with women. I’ve also lost many of those connections. I’ve met girls who weren’t into me sexually and gotten rejected in various ways. I’ve even had a date ask me if it was cool to get another guy’s number while we were out for drinks.

All of these experiences have helped me grow. But almost nothing has contributed to my self-esteem and success like the times where I was the one who walked away from girls that I knew weren’t right. Think about this for a second…

When’s the last time you chose to willingly end a connection with a girl you were attracted to?

For most, that answer is rare or even never. And it all starts with our male ego.

Needless Pride and the Win-Lose Mindset: Scarcity Mentality

Many men have fragile egos when it comes to women. I’m not judging, my pride used to get the best of me, too. I couldn’t handle the reality of being rejected or losing a girl — it was one of my worst fears. I lived with a scarcity mentality.

Scarcity mentality is the belief that there’s a limited number of opportunities in your life. With women, if you miss out on a single chance, you’ll never get another like it. What happens is that you view your connections as win or lose situations. It’s black or white:

“If I don’t get this girl, I’m a failure and a loser. I’ll be alone forever. But if I do, I’m a real man and a winner.”

You then do everything in your power to “win” girls over. You will chase endlessly, pretend to be a friend for months or years, disrespect your time, and even let yourself get walked over — all because you can’t let go of this one girl.

This is a needy, desperate, and unattractive way of thinking. You are subconsciously reinforcing:

  • I have no standards for myself and the women who are a part of my life. I will take whatever I can get whether or not they are right for me.
  • I have no options for women. I have to latch onto every chance I get because I am not good enough to find someone else. Women who like me are rare.
  • My self-worth is tied to my ability to attract women and their approval of me.
  • I think of women as objects to be acquired. Their personalities, values, and mutual respect for me do not factor into my desire to sleep with them.

This scarcity mentality leaves you unfulfilled and destroys your self-esteem. Instead, you should be trying to build a mindset of abundance.

Setting Standards and Respecting Your Worth: Abundance Mentality

Abundance mentality is the belief that you have plenty of opportunities in your life. More so, that you are worthy of those opportunities. You are in the position of choice.

This is not something most people are born with but rather cultivated. It begins with how you respect and value yourself.

Repeat after me: “I am worthy of…”

  • Having my time respected.
  • Having my needs met.
  • Being treated fairly.
  • Connecting with people who improve the quality of my life.
  • Meeting women who are willing to invest back in me.

You have to set standards and want more for yourself. And not just more, but the best for yourself. When considering a woman, you should be asking…

Is she putting effort into building a connection (sexual included) with me? Is she valuing my time? Is this fulfilling my needs and wants? Am I chasing something that isn’t going anywhere? Am I clinging onto this woman only because I’m afraid of being alone and having to put myself out there again?

Often when a guy comes to me frustrated with a specific girl, I ask the above questions. Unsurprisingly, the answer to many is no. My advice is to walk away and focus on finding women who appreciate your worth.

The abundance mentality prioritizes yourself. It leads to fulfillment and a strong level of self-esteem.

Developing the Abundance Mentality By Living It

Okay, so now you understand the mindset of abundance. But just thinking about it won’t actually internalize those qualities in you. You have to practice and live by them.

You have to move on from those who don’t meet your standards. You have to stop wasting time on people who don’t invest in you and spend time on people who do. And you have to consciously remind yourself that there are an infinite number of women available to you and seek them out.

Here are some romantic situations in which you can apply this:

  • A girl you met disrespects your friends in front of you.
  • You meet a girl and she doesn’t open up to you after 5-10 minutes. That means she isn’t asking you questions, she’s giving vague responses, or isn’t smiling.
  • You approach a girl and she rejects you.
  • You confirm a date with a girl 24-48 hours before you meet. She stands you up with no  warning.
  • You text a number twice and get no response.
  • You keep texting a girl to make plans and she never actually hangs out.
  • You wait around for a girl who has said she only sees you as a friend or that she’s not looking for something right now.
  • A girl with a boyfriend flirts with you often but never spends time with you in person or moves it forward. She claims she’s miserable in her relationship and promises she wants to be with you but doesn’t break up with him.
  • You’re in a relationship with an abusive or controlling partner.
  • You’re in a relationship that makes you miserable or unsatisfied (emotionally or sexually).
  • Your girlfriend breaks up or cheats on you. (I understand this one is extremely difficult but necessary.)
  • You have a complete mismatch of expectations that cannot be resolved: you want an open relationship and she doesn’t, you want kids and she doesn’t, etc.

Instead of sticking around, chasing, getting upset, or getting down on yourself — you must keep pushing forward.

That means not giving her ultimatums. Or begging for her to take you back. Or flipping out on her and sitting around seething with rage. Or resenting all women. Or beating yourself up. Or using those standards as a defense mechanism to avoid meeting more girls.

A man with abundance does not waste his energy when he can use it to further improve his own life. He simply says, “She’s not invested or interested in me, that’s fine. I’ll focus my efforts on someone who will be.”

By doing the above you’ll meet tons of great women, increase your happiness, decrease your frustration, and forge stronger connections. Most importantly, you’ll value yourself and build genuine confidence.

Men with abundance are willing to lose the wrong girl to find the right one. They know that having the courage to walk away comes from a place of power, not weakness. It’s never a win or lose situation to them, it’s always a win-win.

  1. Jeremy on May 29, 2013

    Another amazing post Nick! Thank you for taking the time to write these =)

    • Nick Notas on May 29, 2013

      You’re welcome Jeremy and thanks for taking the time to comment!

  2. Maurice on May 29, 2013

    Man…this is just what I needed. My gf broke up with me about 3 months ago and all I’ve been thinking about is how to get her back.

    I feel like my eyes have been opened for the first time. I’m finally accepting that I need to move on and stop feeling sorry for myself. How do you suggest I do that?

    Thanks

    Maurice

  3. Howie on May 29, 2013

    Love the post as always. I wanna mention a warning ’cause I’ve done it myself seen it happen so often. Being willing to walk away does not mean being that guy who’s “too good” for all those girls. I’ve done this myself and I’ve seen many guys fall into this trap. Pursuing women who are bad for you and rejecting all women to avoid the risks are both insecure behaviors. Make sure you’re not talking yourself out of approaching or going out with a girl because she’s “below your standards,” “probably a [insert negative thing here],” or “I have so many other girls into me already,” when in reality you’re just afraid of something – rejection, change, how you’ll be judged, whatever. Know when you’re bullshitting yourself. Respect yourself enough to walk away, and respect yourself enough to take risks and be persistent.

    • Nick Notas on May 29, 2013

      What a brilliant response Howie. I wanted to convey that exact point with “making excuses to not meet more girls” but you said it better than I did. I may have to edit in some additional points for clarity.

      While you want to have high standards for yourself, you don’t want to use them as another defense mechanism. Then you’re just going to the other extreme and not allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

  4. Jarod on May 29, 2013

    “I have no standards for myself and the women who are a part of my life. I will take whatever I can get whether or not they are right for me.”

    A LOT of guys are like this. Even when they’re NEW they THINK they’ve beat their old thoughts and patterns but as soon as they meet a new chicks BAM. They’re dating her and a year later they’ve single again because… THEY DIDN’T REALLY CHANGE!

    Great read, mang!

    • Nick Notas on May 29, 2013

      Yup, it’s a terrible trap that even I’ve fallen into before. Just got to be more self-aware, understand your standards, and remind yourself to hold true to them.

      Thanks Jarod!

  5. Brandt on May 29, 2013

    This is so timely for me. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago, and then asked to get back together. I agreed to this but I haven’t been happy because I am now noticing how little she invests in me, both in time and attention. Thankfully I have met another woman who is actually doing all those things that shows me she values me highly. I believe I know what the right decision is for me now. Thanks – I appreciate it.

    • Nick Notas on May 29, 2013

      That’s awesome and you’re very welcome. Once you accept that you deserve better, everything gets better.

  6. zedwhyex on May 30, 2013

    Down to earth, and simple. The best wayto convey a truth. I will try to live by this

  7. Vinny on May 30, 2013

    Great post! It really helps by presenting another view of life, one that people live for themselves but not in an egocentric view, it presents the good side of “self love”.
    Really a must for self improvement! Thanks for writing such a good post.

    • Nick Notas on May 30, 2013

      Thanks and you’re welcome Vinny. I try to educate people on fulfilling themselves in a healthy, compassionate way.

  8. Nick F. on May 31, 2013

    This was an important read to me because in the last few months or so I had been trying to get with a girl who claimed she was into me and looking to break it off with her bad boyfriend. Everytime she went to do it however, she wouldnt break it off and I just accepted that situation and kept pursuing it. I consistently felt weak and abused by it, regardless of how “nice” she treated me. It came to a point where it seemed like I made her so angry from another situation that she said we were no longer friends, and that was the first time in a year and a half I felt good about myself because its what I was secretly hoping would happen.

    I still feel like I failed myself and was too weak to just walk away but your article has given me some great perspective to start applying to my life. I know I have a long way to go, but I don’t feel as worthless as I did after reading this. Thank you, Nick.

  9. David on May 31, 2013

    What happens if your rational mind knows all this already, but you still cant get her out of your head.

    I developed a crush for a coworker when i still had a girl friend which made me realize i wasn’t happy. I left my gf and have been on my own for little over a month. I felt confident, i was happy. I still had a crush on this girl who i had been hanging out with more and more but i never made a move cause i was working on me time. Then someone swooped in and got her. Now all my confidence is gone, i can’t stop thinking about how i missed my chance. I just can’t stop thinking about it, i lay in bed at night beating myself up about it convicing myself she was the one. My rational mind knows im being stupid but i can’t shake the feeling i messed up big time by not acting sooner. I don’t even believe in the “one”, but what i do see is a lot of people ending up alone or divorcing due to not being with the right person, and i just can’t shake the fear that through all the people im going to meet on my road through life that she might have been the best for me.

    • Larry on April 4, 2015

      I am about to sound really cliché. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. Do I believe in true love? Yes, I do and it never arrives with signage, or resounding music. I met my wife through a friend of a friend bowling. We’ve been together over 20 years for better or worse. Ups and downs come with the territory. Put yourself Out there, and not in a needy way. I know that attitude that some guys have like “why me”, I’ll never find someone. Yep, you sure won’t. Confidence means a lot. Remember this; women love a bad boy that’s a good man. I’m not saying you should buy a Harley and get some tattoos (it doesn’t hurt, plus it’s really cool, at least to me. I’ve always favored down to earth folks rather than typical corporate types. Even though I am one. It’s just not my scene.). Anyway, you do you unapologetically, and I’m sure there is someone out there for everyone. I look back on the crushes I had when I was younger, and then look at them today, then say to myself “man, I really dodged the bullet.

    • Tim on April 25, 2015

      Man dude,

      Do I know Right where your coming from.
      I met this girl on POF and took her out one time.
      We never went out again because for whatever reason she just wasn’t into me.
      She did tell me I could be Her Friend if I wanted too. Umm Ya OK.

      I care way to much about her to ever be her True friend and If I did I would be always looking to move it father and forward.

      Dated this girl back in February and have not been able to let her go since.
      I think about her all the time and wonder how I can get her. I look at 100’s of pictures on woman on pof and send out a ton of letters and even go on some dates.

      And Yet, There is Nobody I want to be with more then Her. I feel like we were destined to be together. I guess you would say I am obsessed with this girl. That’s the only thing I can think of or call it.

      Articles like this one help though and Nick is 100% Right about everything he says.

      MAN, its going to be Tough moving on and getting over HER.
      Good luck dude…..

      LV

      • Tiny Elvis on November 13, 2015

        Let her go. I had a similar situation happen to me. I dated a girl for 6 weeks. Then she broke it off, and I obsessed about it for OVER A YEAR. It is human nature to want what we cannot have. But those feelings will keep you from meeting people that want to be with you. Sure, this may happen to you again, but that is the way of love and you will be a stronger person once you get over it. Best of luck.

  10. Graham on June 19, 2013

    I have never thought about it like this and having read this I think I now have a better understanding of where I am and how I can move forward. Thanks

  11. Ben on July 9, 2013

    Incrediable, absolutely love it . Thank you so much for helping me get through a unbeleivably tough time.

  12. John Doe on July 20, 2013

    When you said “repeat after me” Nick, I actually said the words out loud. I got such a powerful, soothing sensation from doing that and believing what I’m saying. I felt very good! Thank you. I’ll live by those principles now. I can tell right now that this will not only increase my standing with women, but make me attractive to men too (as in more people would want to build professional and personal connections with me).

  13. aditya menon on August 13, 2013

    This is surprisingly well applicable to business relationships as well. Letting go of customers can be very painful because it causes real financial stress. But it’s worth it sometimes in case you have ‘that’ client, because, well, read the post!

  14. Jamie on January 5, 2014

    Hi Nick, this is one of many of brilliant posts of yours that has really helped me put my current relationship in perspective. Thank you so much, you’ve really helped me make sense of things. Please don’t ever stop giving out advice and posting blogs.

  15. Tim on January 12, 2014

    agreed

  16. Carl on February 8, 2014

    Thank you Nick for your enlightening insights..every guy looking for a good relationship should read this and make it as a template for dating

  17. wayne on March 26, 2014

    this truly opened my eyes and made me feel so much better iv been fighting for a girl for nearly 2 years now and iv offered her all kinds of things cars house everything that a girl will need…. but she just does not want me shes in a relationship at the moment but says she will leave this guy for me i have no idea what to do anymore i love this girl like iv never loved anybody i want to walk away but i know ill regret it? what do i do please help

    • Wes on March 5, 2016

      Wayne
      Same for me been seeing this lady almost two years. Spent a lot of time with her. She is drop dead gorgeous.
      Have done so much for her. She says she wants to date she says she wants to not answer to anyone she says she hasn’t healed from her last marriage she says a lot of things I’m sick of hearing. Oh I love her I don’t want to lose her but amigo if She wants to transition to friends or it starts out as she just wants to be friends. No Problem I’ll just will move on. It sucks It hurts but I’m not a door mat. Don’t be a door mat. Move on….. There are plenty of fish in the sea . I like swimming. What she is saying is she isn’t going to have sex with you… She will not have a problem moving on fact is she already has. Walk away never look back Find someone who will want you in there bed…. Look in her eyes and tell her you have enough friends and walk away ( No Contact ). Show her your a man not a boy toy…

  18. Stefan on April 27, 2014

    Thank you so much Nick! Great stuff. I’m currently going through a situation with a girl I feel is not worth my time. A. When I talk to her she walks away or either goes to another friend’s conversation. B. The only time she actually talks to me is through texts. C. Most importantly, she doesn’t give me much of a chance to talk much about myself or open to start being funny with her or about myself. Thanks again for reminding right now she’s not the one for me right now.

  19. Seymoure on October 7, 2014

    Very good material. Although I do not have problem meeting women and no problem rejecting the ones I don’t like enough, I did have one girl come into my life who left because I wouldn’t commit. Very difficult period but your material helps greatly. Thank you.

  20. April on November 9, 2014

    Brilliant post! This would help me a lot.
    To give chances or to let go of the feelings, take pride and walk away.urgg TOUGH
    Thank you

  21. christopher on November 14, 2014

    awesome article! stuck in friend zone with a girl using me I need to walk away from and this just gave me the positive motivation to do it..thank you!

    • mea on May 13, 2015

      I just realized that you replied to my comment. I had been under the impression that it was Nick who replied. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply.
      So, thank you! 🙂

    • mea on May 13, 2015

      I just realized that you replied to my comment. I had been under the impression that it was Nick who replied. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply.
      So, thank you! 🙂

      Mea

  22. mea on November 17, 2014

    Any advise for women? I really like this guy, he keeps telling me that he’s interested in getting to know me, but that he has a lot going on. He’s trying to get stuff done by a certain deadline. I told him that we could try and get to know each other after his deadline. But he insists that he doesn’t want to wait. Yet, we were supposed to go out last Saturday night, just a friendly get together, but I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t text to confirm, but I figured if he was interested he wouldn’t have forgotten. I really like him, and I would like to get to know him, but I hate the tought of chasing him. I see him at work and now I’m not sure how to respond to him.
    Btw…he broke up with his gf of 3yrs almost a year ago and she still texts him wanting to get back together. He says it’s over, but if it was really over, would he still be in contact with her?…they don’t have kids together, so why stay in contact? He told me a few days ago that she was interviewing for a position in the company that we work for. That if she got the job he would have to leave because he can’t work with her.

    Any advice you could give me I would greatly appreciate it.

    Mea

    • Christopher on November 19, 2014

      Mea, if hes already disrespecting your time/energy now..how do you think he will treat you if you were in a relationship with him. Make yourself the pursued not the pursuer, you are worth it 😉

  23. Raj barinder singh on January 2, 2015

    Brother!!! Only one response from my side-“TOO GOOD” its like u hv decoded the secret to attracting girls.RESPECT for you. Keep up the great work

  24. Daniel on January 4, 2015

    Nick,
    To get really good in this area of life(which is the best way to develop an abundance mentality) how many women do you recommend guys approach per week?

  25. Joe on January 22, 2015

    Wow that is literally wat I was doing. The way you described the needy, desperate way of thinking I realized it. Then reading on, it all started to make sense . Thx a lot this just what I needed to know.

  26. Uday on March 4, 2015

    What you have written is very articulate. It is essential reading for guys who find themselves in the needy and clingy zone of a relationship. Recently I had been to a friend’s wedding. I asked my friend to come along so that I can introduce him to the object of my affection who was also going to be there at the wedding. When I introduced him to her, she was barely forthcoming, was talking in monosyllables and did not even have the decency to respond to questions he was asking her. This is exactly the point that you make “A girl you met disrespects your friends in front of you”. This is a tell tale sign that your relationship is not going anywhere and it is time to walk away.

  27. SG on April 3, 2015

    Awesome post…and exactly what I (yes a girl) needed to read but with regards to wasting time on the wrong guy!

  28. Visco on April 5, 2015

    Wow what a post. There’s this girl i met at work who had very high interest in me. She even asked me out but I rejected her because i was preety new in USA and did not want to be misled, also I didn’t understand women at that time. But we were very good friends at work and texted often after work.She wanted more than friendship but I was clueless and didn’t know what to do. She then stopped initiating contact which made me started to chase her. I later found that chasing women guarantees rejection. I asked her out after settling in USA and she also rejected me. My interest in her escarlated so high that I couldn’t stop thinking about her. It affected my studies and I became like toy to her. She walked all over me, disrespected me, used me and even cursed at me and I still kept chasing her. I never knew that a woman will never love you if she disrespects you. I later found out that the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it!!! Also women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. I stopped contacting her but wasn’t a dick to her. Interestingly she started chasing me again. Whenever she contacted me, i ended the conversation after 3 texts. If she contacted me after 8pm, i replied the following day. I guess she thought Ive had a new girl. I walked away from her, and i even left the job without her notice. She also stopped contacting me and we lost touch for about 5months. We then met again somewhere and omg this chick i walked away from wanted me badly. I could read on her face. She laughed at everything i said, she was appealing to me to take her back but I saw her as history. I remember her asking me to come to her house which i turned down.l felt confident about myself and started getting beautiful girls. I now have many girls phone numbers on my phone that I sometimes forget to call them. It all came under one rule- respect yourself, be nice to women but walk away if a woman disrespects you. Hope it helps

  29. Jonathan Casarez on April 6, 2015

    Man thank you for this. I feel like I should just say screw the friendship sometimes and after reading what you put I like it. But should I just be straight forward with her? I would like to know what you think? Please respond when you can

  30. Githae Waweru on April 26, 2015

    Wow nick.. You are so right. Just recently I broke up with a lady I extremely loved. She had really hurt me for so long and still hang around. I decided to be give myself time to think things through after the break up. And I was so shocked to see how foolish I was in the 3 yrs of my rship with her.
    I
    now its 4 weeks, after the parting, and I am reading what you have written and I can totally agree with u. I used to think I will never meet better women buh now with the abudance attitude things are pretty smooth right now..

    Better than I thought.

    So for guys who think that they cant live without that lady whose is not giving you worthiness u deserve, be smart and explore this beautiful world of great female personalities and am sure u will feel like ur THE MAN.
    CHEERS NICK

  31. Mike on May 12, 2015

    I was seeing this girl for about 3 months and got to the point where she slept over everyday. I guess honeymoon stage and she was absolutely amazing, I had a bad relationship in the past that got me kind of insecure so I asked her what we are and she told me she didn’t want a relationship at the moment and that I seemed too easy. So I started cutting back on talking to her and she pursued a little. We hung out a few times without sex and eventually I had enough and ignored her for a week or so and she kept texting me and eventually I replied and she came over and we had sex, had sex a few more times. She went away for a few weeks and told me she missed me, I told her I missed her too but when she came back home she did not answer her phone for at least 2 weeks. I discovered she has not had her phone, by then I already told her I wanted it to be over and she told me she didnt get me because I was fine without her and all of the sudden it is an issue? A week later she texted me asking what I was up to, figured she wanted to hangout so I asked her to hangout and of course she got lazy and didnt feel like moving. I finally had enough and told her Im completely done and moving on but I honestly feel like I love this girl and i dont know if its mutual, been about a week now without talking, almost a month without seeing each other since she has been back. I am very tempted to message her back but I really felt disrespected about everything. Next time I see her I really dont know what to say or do. Should I just wait to see if she does anything or will bring it up? or should I bring it up. I really want this girl but I am done chasing.

  32. Dave N on July 17, 2015

    I have been very supportive to a work colleague during and after her break up from an abusive boyfriend. I then developed feelings for her and tried to distance myself. She thought I didn’t want to be her friend so I told her it was the opposite and I wanted more than a friendship.
    She was upset and said she wasn’t in the right place for a relationship but still wanted to be friends. I said we could be friends but I needed some time to get use to the idea. We didn’t have contact for 5 weeks and I suppose I was trying to avoid her. Then we met and it was great to see her and she said I was an amazing person. After I felt depressed as I still wanted more than to be her friend.
    I’ve been avoiding her without being rude but she’s obviously realised I’m doing this. I think she’s been trying to get my attention my saying she’s not well or she might move away. She’s also taken a long time to respond to texts.
    We spoke on the phone for nearly two hours and I sensed she was frustrated with me for not just being her friend. She said I suppose I’ll see you around sarcastically as I’ve been avoiding her.
    She is quite needy and I’m worried that I’m going to be stuck in the friend zone and just be there for offering support.
    Each time I see her or speak with her I feel low.
    What should I do? Should I walk away? Is she just using me.
    Thank you

  33. Seymoure on July 17, 2015

    Dave N, it’s very clear to see she doesn’t look at you that way and she never will. Best walk away. She sees you as a male girlfriend. You’d be wasting your time with her.

    • Dave N on July 17, 2015

      Thanks Seymoure. That’s the impression I’m getting the more people I talk to. Cheers

    • Dave N on July 18, 2015

      Me again Seymoure. What is the best way in stopping contact with her? She is vulnerable and I want to do it in the most compassionate way but also in a way that I won’t crumble and carry on seeing her. Thanks

  34. seymoure on July 18, 2015

    I am no dating coach and I am here myself to benefit from the insight of Nick, but I do have common sense and its easier always for all of us to see the situation of others than that of our own. In your case my first feeling is, you don’t have to worry about her, she is well capable of taking care of herself and she will survive just fine without you. Why should you be the ‘ emotional tampon ‘ and the male girlfriend at the cost of having your own wants and needs ignored and unfulfilled. A woman always knows when a man is interested in her and she is either interested as well or not. No force can change that, just like when we as men don’t like a woman in a romantic way or not attracted to her, then thats the way it is and even we couldn’t change it if we wanted to. You’ve expressed your feelings to her and she has made it clear that she doesn’t feel the same way with her actions and words. You just need to distance yourself and pursue your own interests. She’ll be just fine. Lastly, be strong, be a man and take a stand. Believe me she can’t help but to respect you if you do, and just refuse to see her. I wish you and all of us well. I hope I’ve helped and am always here if I can be of further help.

  35. Dan on November 12, 2015

    Just what I needed to hear my friend , abundance mentality is what I’ve been missing , the missing link from miserable and needy to go fuck yourself ive tried , now I’m done

  36. Will on February 20, 2016

    One of the best articles I read so far after 18 years with my first love and two kids it’s hard for me to deal with the break up this words where amazing