Who Has the Real Power in Dating?

April 26th, 2012 by Nick Notas 6 Comments

Varys Game of Thrones

If you’re a single guy and aren’t meeting women regularly, this is for you.

I watched Game of Thrones the other week and a quote by Varys has kept me thinking for days:

“Power resides where men believe it resides. It’s a trick, a shadow on the wall and a very small man can cast a very large shadow.”

Common dating advice says that it’s all a woman’s choice and the odds favor them. She picks you. She’s the gatekeeper. If she doesn’t like you, you’re screwed.

In turn, men feel helpless. They think they have to wait around and hope a girl chooses them. If that doesn’t happen, they’re shit out of luck.

It’s not true. Whether you are “forever alone” or happy with an amazing woman, it’s your decision and no one else’s. You have the power — you just haven’t recognized it yet.

After months of depression following a breakup, I stumbled upon some “pickup advice” online. The concept that you could actively learn to meet women blew my mind. That you could strike up a conversation with a random girl literally anywhere.

I was skeptical. But after years of going out myself and helping other guys do the same – I’m a believer.

So what’s stopping you from being a selector in the dating game?

Fear. That’s it. There’s nothing physically standing in your way. Nothing is holding you back except your internal voice feeding you bullshit excuses. And the truth is that if you let it paralyze you, you’re the only person who’ll end up losing out.

In my years of experience, the only way to overcome that fear is through action. You can’t will yourself to stop being afraid. You have to prove to yourself that incredible women will like you. The only proof is having a beautiful girl in front of you, laughing at your jokes, giving you flirtatious eyes, and playfully hitting your arm.

Reframe your mindset. Stop thinking of this as “oh shit, women might reject me”. Start thinking of it as finding women who are good enough for you. Rather than trying to “win” every girl you encounter, just try to discover what she’s about.

Who is she? Do I like her personality? Would I want her to hang with my friends? Does she have similar interests? Is she someone I want to have an intellectual conversation with? What else does she have going for her besides her looks?

I used to go out and spend an insane of amount of energy with every girl I talked to. Even if there was nothing there, I’d try to make something happen. I didn’t think of picking, I just wanted a girl to pick me.

Eventually, I realized that I was better off finding girls who I found interesting and genuinely liked me back. If it didn’t work with one girl, no big deal – it just wasn’t meant to be. If we didn’t hit it off within a couple minutes or she turned me down, I’d say goodbye with no hard feelings. Then I’d go talk to someone else.

This power changed everything for me and women felt it, too. I wasn’t coming off as desperate or as if I needed them to be happy. Instead, they saw me as a man of options and that inherently made my attractiveness go through the roof.

Grab control of your dating world. Harness that power and use it to find people who improve the quality of your life. Don’t keep putting women on a pedestal and letting your fears sabotage your own fulfillment.

Within the next week, I’m releasing my second free eBook! It’ll break down everything you need to approach women with confidence. I’m loading it with bulleted advice, specific examples of what to say, and practical exercises to conquer anxiety. I know you guys are going to love it 🙂

Until then, talk to me for a free session.

  1. Mark on May 11, 2012

    I think its also key to go after girls that have confidence in themselves. Nothings worse then seeing a women with low confidence, its just not attractive.


    • Nick Notas on May 11, 2012

      100% agree with you Mark. I always advocate setting standards for yourself and going after quality women 🙂

  2. Georgi on April 26, 2014

    Nicely put, Nick! Many thanks for this article!

  3. carl on July 29, 2014

    Girls can sit back and choose that is real power isn’t it Nick? Girls can reject any man who initiates. The guy has to do all the work and wil get humiliated, laughed at, pay for everything and and approach every single time. He will get rejected, a lot. Women have all power period.

    • carl2 on November 22, 2014


      Women have power only in the initial part of their life (in their 20s), power flips after they reach late 20s and still single.

  4. NeverAskedGirl on October 17, 2014

    From my personal experience as a female, it’s not just the male who feels rejected when asking a girl out. If there are any other girls in the vicinity (friends, strangers, co-workers) and she get’s hit on, other girls will feel THAT as a rejection: “Why didn’t he want to ask me?”. It’s an ego thing. Even if I’m not remotely interested in the guy who’s asking, I’ll still feel lacking or lesser. A lot of it is because I’m never the one asked. It’s always my friends, cousins, etc. who get the attention. It may not sting as much to me as it will to the rejected guy, but the hurt will be there for me no matter the results of the pickup line: if the girl says yes and he’s happy, I’ll still feel hurt. At least guys have control over when they make themselves feel vulnerable.


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