How to Stand Out From All Her Other Dates
The average woman has been on a lot of first dates.
She’s endured many of the same boring conversations. She’s been asked the same cookie-cutter questions. And she’s had the same generic experiences.
And she’s sent countless, “I had a great time, but I just don’t see you that way…” texts after those mediocre dates.
The reality is that women are still the gatekeepers in dating. They’re the ones choosing whether or not a potential romantic connection will progress towards future dates.
This is exacerbated by online dating where women have endless hordes of men throwing themselves at them.
You need to stand out from the other dates she’s been on.
It’s a bit like the bird-of-paradise’s courtship dance. They show off their unique colors, strut their stuff, and bounce around like maniacs to get the attention of a mate.
They know they have to be memorable to improve their chances of being selected. The female birds aren’t going to respond to a tiny splash of color and some weak little hops.
Human courtship rituals are no different. We just have a more modern, less spastic version.
Unfortunately, a lot of men do the exact opposite of what works. They play it safe. They don’t want to do anything unexpected for fear it will upset the girl. They try to blend in.
And that just makes you out to be another faceless, forgettable first-date memory.
If you want your dates to turn romantic and lead to more dates, you need to become memorable.
Choose a different environment and cultivate a unique, personal experience
Nearly every guy takes a girl to coffee, drinks, or dinner. It’s been done to death.
After a while, those generic first dates become like a scene from an indie rom-com. You can imagine a rapid flash of cuts where that girl’s sitting in a chair at a coffee shop or restaurant. She has the same disengaged expression while only her outfit, the decor, and the guy changes around her.
I don’t get why everyone does the same shit when there are endless date ideas. Use the slightest bit of creativity. Think about what you love to do and take her somewhere that shares a tailored experience no other guy has given her.
I’ve gotten gourmet sandwiches with a girl and eaten them in an arboretum. I’ve had fun shopping experiences where we picked out clothes for each other. I’ve walked through outdoor art galleries, sung karaoke, visited an ice cream festival, and done whiskey tastings.
I have friends who take girls rock climbing or axe throwing. Some have gone for bike rides and jumped around in a trampoline park. Other friends have done drag shows, laser tag, and flown kites.
These dates provide not only different environments, but cultivate unique vibes and emotional experiences. You can often be more casual, playful, physical, and close without needing to solely focus on interview-style conversation like the standard date.
I might not remember the many times I’ve had coffee with my wife. But I’ll always remember when we both took a sick day off work and spontaneously went to the Museum of Science.
I’m not completely against the standard date spots, though. I love sharing a great meal like anyone else. But if you decide to go the traditional route, at least add a little twist.
Choose a place that has a story or special significance to you. Share why you love that spot with her on the date. It doesn’t have to be profound. You could tell her how you love how it overlooks the forest. Or how they make the best damn fig and walnut salad that reminds you of Greece.
You can also move with your date to create a more rich experience. Start with coffee but go for a walk in the botanical gardens nearby. Get drinks and then grab ice cream by the water. Do a light dinner but then go chill at the jungle gym.
That way when she looks back on the day, it feels like you guys had such a grand adventure together even if it was only for a couple hours.
Get onto a touchy, taboo, or polarizing topic
Most people talk about the following subjects on their dates:
Where they’re from, where they went to school, their job, their future career plans, their travel stories, the music they listen to, the books they read, and the entertainment they watch.
These topics serve their purpose. They can be an effective, comfortable way to start getting to know each other.
That said, they aren’t likely to spark more opinionated, impassioned conversation. It helps to talk about something that gets people fired up.
On dates, I’ve talked about psychedelics and drug legalization, polyamory and infidelity, pickup books such as The Game, shitty parents, wild sexual experiences, climate change, and even the existence of a higher power.
You don’t have to make the entire date a deep, dark talk. But bringing up something different, controversial, or even “naughty” just once can lead to a conversation that someone remembers for a lifetime.
Show something real and find out something real about her, too
We all wear a social mask to protect ourselves around new people.
We don’t fully trust them yet so we’re only willing to reveal so much. We don’t want to show our unique, dark, or quirky sides.
But human connection grows from vulnerability.
We only become close to people we feel like we know and who know us. Our best friends got that way through sharing personal details, stories, and experiences.
You don’t have to talk about your deepest traumas on a first date. You don’t have to get super serious. In fact, I would recommend against getting onto depressing conversations most of the time.
You do have to share something that puts yourself on the line. Something personal where you could be judged. An opinion that goes against the grain. A story you don’t tell many people.
I’ve talked about my near-death car crash. I’ve shared the story of my parents’ divorce.
This is also about expanding on what you’re already normally discussing. Let’s use talking about your job, for example.
Most people just give basic facts which anyone could say. Talking about your emotions or motivation behind your career makes you an individual. Dig past the surface.
Why did you get into your career in the first place? What’s the best part of your job? The worst? What do you think your industry could do better? What’s the most meaningful experience you’ve had there? What would you want to do instead?
A woman wants to know WHY you do something, WHY it matters to you, HOW it makes you feel, and WHAT drives you. That’s what feels special to her. Not that you’ve been there for six years and get five weeks of vacation.
You should want to know more about her true self, too.
Ask something that you would love to know about her that she hasn’t already answered a million times.
People are often on autopilot when meeting someone new and have subconscious (or conscious) stock answers for “standard” questions. When you ask her a question that catches her off guard, she’s challenged to answer more authentically.
Here and here are some examples of more creative questions you could ask.
Sometimes, women aren’t going to readily answer all of your questions. Having a personal conversation requires courage. If she’s not outright saying she wants to avoid the subject and is just hesitant, don’t be afraid to lightly push once more.
Tell her you’re genuinely excited to know more about her or playfully challenge her that she can give you a better answer..
Getting her to open up that tiny bit more can make all the difference in feeling like you’ve seen the real her. And she’ll be much more invested in you because of it.
Get fired up by connecting to your passions
I’ll often ask guys about what they discussed on a date to give them feedback. Many times, they’ll struggle to remember much of anything outside basic details.
After spending hours with someone you’re supposed to be excited about, how can you forget almost everything?
I’d understand if it was a situation where they were so enraptured in conversation they lost themselves…but that’s typically not the case.
Usually, guys talked about things that weren’t deeply interesting or engaging to them. They stuck to the standard topics or let the girl take the lead in conversation the whole time.
When you discuss things you aren’t passionate about, you don’t put your best self out there. You’re less invested in the conversation and trust me, people pick up on it.
You can’t expect a woman to feel excited looking back on your date when you were so disengaged you can’t even remember it.
You’re having forgettable conversations because you avoid everything you’re deeply passionate about. Maybe these are subjects or hobbies that you feel women don’t find conventionally “attractive”.
So you don’t talk about your love for anime, comics, video games, virtual reality, war history, compound lifts, coaching kids basketball, your spider terrarium, astronomy and your telescope, college football, bird-watching, board games, or drone flying.
You think these will just bore and turn off women. But that’s only true if you stick to the technical facts and details.
You can make any subject interesting by explaining it simply without the technical side. And then you relate it in a way she’ll understand.
We all share the same emotions. So again, it’s about expressing WHY you care about it and HOW it makes you feel. Then she can tie it to something she’s interested in that makes her feel similarly.
If you get onto these subjects, you’ll naturally speak with energy and enthusiasm. You will be more confident in sharing your personal insights and opinions. And you’ll have much more material to talk about.
When guys tell me they don’t know what to say on dates, it’s generally bullshit. I’ll test them five minutes later by casually asking about something they love. All of a sudden they can’t shut up and they don’t even realize what I’m doing.
That type of excited self-expression is so damn charismatic, regardless of subject matter. You have the power to engage almost anyone when you’re in your element.
Do something bold or spontaneous
Everything we’ve talked about in this article so far encourages bravery.
That assertive confidence is what women find so irresistible. They don’t get turned on by timid, supplicating behavior.
Women want to feel a man can embrace his inner leader. That he can go after what he wants. That when he feels burning inspiration within him, he has to act on it.
They’re attracted to that little edge of unpredictability. It’s why women like the idea of the “bad boy” because you know he has that hidden, edgy side.
There are infinite ways you can showcase this…
Kiss her two-thirds of the way through the date, not at the end. Waiting until the last minute is expected and puts so much pressure on the kiss. In fact, going for a casual kiss when you’re in the midst of having fun makes it exhilarating and less intense.
Give her a more forward compliment. Tell her you find some personality trait she revealed about herself so damn attractive.
As we discussed earlier, ask a tough personal question. Show her you’re not afraid to challenge her and get into some real shit.
Drop a well-placed f-bomb if you’re not someone who swears often. I’m not saying to do this intentionally but if you’re telling a story and you’re feeling charged with emotion, it can add some unexpected oomph.
Do something she wouldn’t have expected from you. Or share a story that showcases that –maybe you quit your old job in a crazy way. Maybe you backpacked for a year around the world. Maybe you’ve been practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for years.
I’ve broken out into dance in almost any environment when a good song comes on. It always gets a laugh and then it’s easy to pull the girl into the dance together.
One time, I was eating chocolate-covered strawberries with a girl in the park. We had leftovers so I walked to a couple of groups of people near us and offered them some. Afterwards, she told me how she thought it was so cool I wasn’t afraid to approach strangers and be so generous.
That depth gets a girl excited about your unique qualities that other guys don’t have.
Contrast is an essential part of attractive design. Surprise a girl with something she’d never expect about you, and it’ll only make her more curious about what else you have to offer.