nicknotas

DATING AND CONFIDENCE CONSULTANT

How to Send Follow Up Messages That Lead to Dates

March 14th, 2019 by Nick Notas 5 Comments

Guy trying to follow up

Men get hung up when they need to follow-up with women.

When it’s time to message a girl they recently met, just had a date with, or haven’t talked to in a while – they panic.

They tell me they totally blank on what to say next. They want to write a perfect, charming message but it feels impossible when there’s hardly any context to build from.

So they overthink it because they don’t want to say the wrong thing. They second-guess their ideas and delete draft after draft. They stress themselves out and hate every minute of it.

And in the pursuit of that perfect message, they often procrastinate. Sometimes, they procrastinate so much that they lose out on opportunities and self-sabotage.

Ironically, when these guys do finally send out a message they worked so hard on…

It’s garbage.

It’s generic. It feels cold. It’s bland and evokes no emotion. It’s completely safe.

And it makes it even more obvious to a woman that you two are strangers who lack rapport.

It’s often some variation of, “Hi Allie, this is Nick from X. It was great meeting you.” Or “Hey, how was your weekend?” Or “I had a fun time the other night. Hope you got home okay.” Or “Good morning, hope you have a great day!”

Do you really think this is how women want to reconnect with a guy they’re supposed to like?

Set the right tone from the start

Real rapport

In early courtship, you’re supposed to be so fucking excited about getting to know each other. A girl wants to feel like you two already have a vibe: some special chemistry, something unique.

She doesn’t want to hear the same exact thing she’s heard from every other guy.

Sure, you can start off with these basic messages and segue into more interesting conversations – but you’re working from a weak foundation.

When you play it safe, you’re setting a detached, “we-don’t-know-each-other” tone. This tone is then hard to break out of and you’re stuck in a cordial, factual dialogue. Zero personality and zero passion.

By doing this, you also don’t give a woman much to work with. You’re not inspiring her to get more personal and open up with you. You’re not making her feel comfortable to let loose and be herself.

So how are you supposed set the right tone?

The answer is in the definition of the term “follow-up” itself…

“A continuation or repetition of something that has already been started or done.”

You need to pretend as though you already have an existing connection.

It’s up to you to take the lead and just continue the conversation as if you’ve known each other for a while.

Guys in this situation hold back and feel like they need to slowly feel her out. They think it’s weird to bypass the initial boring small talk. Then their messages sound impersonal because they don’t dig a little deeper and really put themselves out there.

But don’t forget – you’ve ALREADY met and chatted. So trust that you can now roll into meaningful, weird, goofy, or playful banter just like you would with an existing friend.

Take the leap and believe that if you act like you know each other, you will feel like you know each other.

3 ways to follow up like you already know each other

Here are three ways to follow up so it feels like you’re continuing a natural connection.

Build off your previous discussion

Talking on the bench

Imagine yourself back into your last conversation. Think…

What did you talk about? What did you laugh about? What did you unexpectedly learn about her? What do you want to know more about from what you learned? What did she tell you she was planning to do?

For example…

  • Talk about the show she said she was going to. “Was the show everything you wanted it to be?” or “Please tell me you got on stage and took over the whole concert with that positivity energy of yours.”
  • Call back to a joke you two had. “I’ve almost got those sweet dance moves down I learned from the guy on the sidewalk last night.”
  • Share your further reflections on something you discussed together. Maybe she talked about a recent trip so you say, “So tell me about the people in Ecuador. What were they like?” or “You know what, I do think I’d go to Mars IF they got decent internet up there. I can’t miss the new season of Game of Thrones.”
  • Dig deeper into something she told you about herself. “When did you decide teaching little monsters was your passion?” or “So what is it about photographing models that’s so fascinating? (Besides getting to look at hot models all day)”

Or keep sharing yourself with her

Sharing yourself openly

Basically, let her know what you’ve been up to or what’s on your mind. Think…

What experience did I have that I want to tell or show her about? What am I really excited to do today/tomorrow/soon? What interesting experience did I have today? What did I just discover that I love?

For example…

  • Share an interesting moment or experience you just had. “I just saw this old couple giggling and being playful with each other like kids. That’s what I call winning at life.” or “Have you been axe throwing? It sounds ridiculous but I may have found a new favorite hobby.” Or send her a photo from the top of the hiking trail looking over the lake, “I could’ve sat here all day.”
  • Tell her about something fascinating you just read, watched, or listened to. “I just watched Netflix’s Sex Education. My high school experience was not like that at all haha.” or “Have you heard about that Zombie Deer disease? Shit…this is how the apocalypse starts.” or “Damn, Paul McCartney’s new album is FIRE. It’s almost as if he’s a legendary rock star or something.”
  • Tell her about somewhere you’ve got planned to visit and are pumped about. “Wish me luck — going to my first drag show to support a friend who’s in it. He actually looks fabulous.” or “I hope you’ll still want to talk to me after I gain 20lbs of paella in Spain.”
  • Send a picture of you and your pet being cute together. “No, he’s not for sale but you can get some free pets and snuggles.” or “7 years old and still acts like a big baby.”
  • Ask her opinion or help for a situation you’re in. “What would you do if your friend just starting dating a new guy and he gave her a $7,000 Cartier bracelet?” or “Would you judge me if I got pink polka-dotted shorts?”

Or ask her about something you genuinely want to know about her

Get to know her

Connect to the things that you’re actually curious about in life or what would fascinate you to learn about her.

Can she talk about things you love or invest your time in? What common interests do you share? Does she think like you or is she at least open-minded? What’s her opinion on something you’re passionate about? How does she like to enjoy herself? What are her values?

For example…

  • “About to faceplant in the snow while skiing this mountain. What’s your perfect weekend getaway?”
  • “Being a psych major, you’ve got me curious. Have you ever explored psychedelics?”
  • “So I’m really into self-development. I’ve been working on myself a lot lately — how do you feel you’ve grown over the last year?”
  • I’m sitting in bed reading X book and it’s making me question being a meat eater. Has any book ever changed you as a person?”
  • “Have you ever treated yourself to an epic, judgment-free home-cooked meal?”
  • “Do you believe people are good or bad, or some shade of grey?” or “Do you think most people can be truly monogamous or are we all still driven by our primal instincts?”
  • “I’ve been thinking lately about Black Mirror type stuff. Would you ever get a computer chip in your brain?”
  • “Is there ever a good reason to lie to someone you care about? Or is the truth always better?
  • “How do you try to disconnect? I’ve been taking some long walks without my phone and it feels surreal. Almost like how it was when I was growing up.”
  • “What’s your superpower? I can make any baby giggle in less than 3 seconds.”

There is no perfect follow-up message. Please remove that thought from your head.

You just need to give yourself permission to connect with her as if you two are already comfortably connected.

If you REALLY feel like you need context, you can always preface these messages with something like…

  • “I know this is random but….” or “Random question…”
  • “This may be out of the blue…”
  • “I’ve had this question on my mind all day…”
  • “I’ve been thinking a lot about X. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but…”
  • “I had to tell someone what just happened…”

All you’re doing here is signaling that you know this is unexpected, uncommon, or offbeat. That self-awareness can help someone feel like you’re a normal human who’s just trying to have some fun together.

But any one of the example messages are infinitely better than writing something safe, and forgettable. Even if you somehow came off a bit random or quirky or clumsy, at least it’s different. That’s so much more powerful.

Because different is the only way she can feel that you two have a special connection. And that’s what’ll get her excited to see you.

  1. Kevin on March 14, 2019

    I always get stuck on what to text after I meet someone…and then I decide to wait until I get an idea. And then suddenly it’s like 5 days later and I think anything I say is going to be weird. I definitely have to stop overthinking it!

    • Nick Notas on March 14, 2019

      I’ve been guilty of it as well Kevin. But holding myself accountable to send out casual messages quickly made texting so much more enjoyable. And over time, it gets easier and easier.

  2. June on March 14, 2019

    I know that I am guilty of sending super bland messages when I don’t know the person that well. But once a guy makes a dumb joke or pun I love to play along!

    • Nick Notas on March 14, 2019

      Definitely June. Once someone puts themselves out there, other people feel they can do the same.

  3. Zak on March 14, 2019

    Nick this article rocked. Instead of tactics you gave me a principle – act like you have tons of rapport / connect to the rapport you already have!

    You made me realize my messaging is TRASH to be honest. I used to think messaging was dumb, people shouldn’t be on their phones so much- now I’m realizing that mindset had been really screwing over my dating life.

    After reading, I sent this message. Emotionally, I would much rather read this than anything else I’ve sent over the past few months.

    “Happy Friday! 😎

    I was thinking about our convo about surrounding yourself with ambitious people vs “this is good enough” types…What cities in Europe do you think would be good for that?“

    Thanks again!


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