How to Have Sex With Her for the First Time

December 23rd, 2013 by Nick Notas 22 Comments

Woman in Ecstacy

You and a girl are back at your place after a date. You sit close together. You go for the kiss, she kisses you back passionately, and suddenly you’re tearing each other clothes off. Boom, you’re having sex.

But sometimes, things are a bit more complicated. Many women are not nearly as aggressive or prepared. You may have had a great time together but she’s still hesitant and nervous. This happens especially with younger or inexperienced women.

She may want to take things slower. She may need reassurance that she’s doing the right thing. She may not want to be seen as a “slut”.

You need to get her…

Sexually comfortable with you.

That doesn’t mean you should wait around, hoping some day she’ll be ready or make a move on you. That’s how you lose a woman’s interest. You want to be proactive, take the lead, and then calibrate accordingly.

There are three elements you need to provide so she’ll she feel ready to do the deed.

Relax Her

Before a woman can even become turned on, she needs to be relaxed. Her mind has to be free of worry and her body free of tension.

For her mindset, you have to create a judgment-free environment. She can’t be stressing about how she looks, what you’ll think, or if she’s being too open with her sexuality.  Reassure her.

“Damn, you look irresistible/so fucking amazing.”
“You’re so beautiful/sexy, I want to touch you all over.”

For her body, remind her to relax in a soft, soothing tone. Tell her to close her eyes, lay back, and take a deep breath. Again, let her know that you want her to feel taken care of.

“I want you to feel absolutely incredible.”
“All I want to do is worship every inch of your body.”
“Just lay back and feel my hands all over your soft skin.”

Only when she’s relaxed will she be ready for you to…

Turn Her On

If she’s going to have sex with you, she needs to get horny for you. You want her so hot and wet she can’t wait another second to have you inside her.

Take your time,  there’s no rush. This is foreplay!

Why Foreplay Is Important

I know you only need 10 seconds to get going, but women need to be primed before they’re ready. You want to tease, touch, and caress her body.

Focus on her pleasure. Too many guys immediately go for getting themselves off. It doesn’t help her trust that you have her best interests in mind. If you get a girl off, she will not only reciprocate the same to you but have a much easier time wanting to move forward.

Start with less intimate touching and work your way up. Some women consider certain actions more intimate than others but here’s a general guideline of how things escalate sexually:

  • Playing with her fingers.
  • Running your fingers on her arms or legs.
  • Massaging her back.
  • Kissing her neck.
  • Kissing her cheek.
  • Kissing / nibbling / licking her ear.
  • Kissing her collarbone.
  • Kissing her lips softly.
  • Kissing her lips more passionately (with tongue).
  • Running your hands through her hair.
  • Running your hands on her body: outer thighs, inner thighs, stomach/waist, ass, and chest/breasts.
  • Kissing her stomach, breasts, and panty line.
  • Lifting her shirt up to expose her skin or taking it off completely.
  • Unbuttoning/unzipping her pants slowly with your fingers or teeth.
  • Rubbing her vagina through the outside of her panties.
  • Sensually removing her panties while looking her in the eyes.
  • Teasing the bare skin around and on her vaginal lips.
  • Rubbing her clit.
  • Fingering her.
  • Performing oral sex on her.
  • Having sex with her.

Don’t be afraid to mix it up a little. Take a few steps forward, go back to less intimate touching, and then continue escalating.

You also don’t have to hit every point. These are just some ideas to consider to ensure a smooth progression from foreplay to sex. Everyone is different but most women want at least 10-15 minutes before having intercourse.

Develop Trust

Sex is a physically scarier act for most women than men. She is being completely vulnerable and allowing you to enter her body.

There’s always a fear that she’s alone with someone who could potentially overpower her and go further than she desires. You want to relieve her of that fear through your words and actions.

As you’re touching her body, say something that confirms you’ll respect her boundaries. Don’t dwell on it, just say it once with conviction.

“Tell me if you want me to slow down or stop at any point.”
“Let me know if you feel uncomfortable about anything.”
“I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

Whatever you do, never go against your word.

Don’t get caught up in the moment and ignore a girl’s signals. If she says “stop”, “no”, or moves you off her at any time – ease off calmly. Never jerk away suddenly, look hurt, or pout. Keep calm, smile, and stay turned on. Reinforce the judgment-free environment.

Never keep going, try convince her otherwise, or brush her off by saying, “it’s okay, just relax.” You will kill all the trust you’ve worked to build.

If she’s rebuffing your advances, go back to what you were previously doing.  You can even take a few minutes to softly talk to her and get her to relax again.

For example, if you took her shirt off but she didn’t want you to take her pants off, return to kissing or massaging her body.  Continue pleasing her and try to move forward again in a few minutes. She may just need a little more time before she’s ready to go.

When you return to what she was hesitant about, ask her if it’s okay or gently try again. Look her in the eyes and say, “Can I take these off?”, “Are you comfortable with this?” or “Is this good?”

Don’t be afraid to ask a girl for what she wants, either. “What would make you feel amazing right now?”

If she rebuffs your advances again, I wouldn’t go further. That’s usually a clear indication she’s not comfortable yet. Continue doing what she is comfortable with. If during the current session she changes her mind, she can let you know.

Sex ALWAYS has to be consensual.

And if it doesn’t happen that night, doing the above and respecting her boundaries will make her want to fuck you later. Guys worry too much about getting laid that very day. Enjoy the experience for how far it goes.

When you do that, she’s almost guaranteed to be ready next time. You’re still building immense amounts of attraction. You’re not going to end up in the friend zone.

Remember, you can’t make a girl want to have sex with you. She has to come to that conclusion on her own.

Techniques like guilt-tripping or “freeze outs” (where you ignore her until she feels so awkward/bad she sleeps with you) may work on occasion. But, you’re manipulating and pressuring her into having sex. That’s not the way to start a healthy sexual connection.

If you treat her poorly, she often won’t want to see you again. Be the guy that provides a positive, supportive, and memorable experience. Not only will she want to continue hooking up, she’ll want to further explore her sexuality with you.

That only leads to deeper, dirtier, and more satisfying sex.

I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this alone. If you’d like a step-by-step, tailored approach to creating magnetic, intimate relationships, let’s have a free, 100% confidential consultation call (up to 30 minutes) to discuss how we can work together. Schedule your free strategy session here.

  1. Eric on December 23, 2013

    I never thought about the relaxing part. I think it would help a lot, especially when you’re both sober. Makes thing not so awkward and more natural. Thanks for all the ideas!

    • Nick Notas on December 23, 2013

      Haha, it especially helps when you don’t have the addition of alcohol.

      Also, by taking your time and getting her to relax, it takes pressure off of you. This allows you to relax as well.

      You’re very welcome!

  2. gavin on December 23, 2013

    Sage advice from such a young writer.

  3. Dan on December 24, 2013

    I love how your advice is always founded on respect, Nick. Truly encouraging and inspiring!

    • Nick Notas on December 24, 2013

      I wouldn’t have it any other way Dan. Happy holidays!

  4. Ronald Messier on December 25, 2013

    Nick: I wholeheartedly agree w/you. You make many fine points. I am 61 now and when I was in my early teens I met a man who was taking the place of my father. He spent much time teaching me about taking things slow w/women. One thing you didn’t touch on was asking a woman what she likes? My friend said to me to ask a woman what she wants and likes. He said you can’t be expected to know everything there is about sex.

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      Thanks for the insight Ronald. I agree with your friend and I actually wrote about asking women what they want:

      “When you return to what she was hesitant about, ask her if it’s okay or gently try again. Look her in the eyes and say, “Can I take these off?”, “Are you comfortable with this?” or “Is this good?”

      Don’t be afraid to ask a girl for what she wants, either. “What would make you feel amazing right now?”

      Communication is definitely key!

  5. Hunter on December 27, 2013

    Excellent article Nick, it pretty much sums up my preferred approach in such a situation, and in making things so relaxed for her it also releases some of the sexual pressure you might be having yourself! I make it a personal mission for the girl to have the greatest time with me in the bedroom, i even rather put my pleasure aside or delaying it, in exchange for making her feel good herself. I believe that pleasure will come back around times over with mine, her own, and the gratification for having made her feel so good. I find it shameful for me to let a lady walk away without having experienced any sort of pleasure with me. But i have to admit i have bigger trouble bringing women up to that point, picking them up, and not so much over this point.

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      You have an awesome attitude and I’m sure the women you’re with appreciate it. It’s true that if you focus on providing an incredible, pleasurable, and memorable experience, a woman is excited to do the same for you. More men really need to understand that concept.

      As for succeeding in the parts before, that’s where my other advice comes in. Check out the dating 101 page if you haven’t already and start applying what’s in there. If you do that, you’ll see improvements in no time 🙂

  6. Katniss_Everdeen on January 3, 2014

    “And if it doesn’t happen that night, doing the above and respecting her boundaries will make her want to fuck you later.”

    Very true. I’d also like to add that if a girl is not willing to have sex on the first night that you meet her (understandable), one of the best ways to build that trust is getting her to come sleep over, no sex required. Once you’ve gotten her in there and not made a move, she will admire that you aren’t just saying whatever it takes to get her into bed and that you can maintain control over your primal urges (however difficult that may be, lol). Done deal the next time!

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      100% in agreement with you here. A man who’s in full control of his urges but also honest with his desires is infinitely attractive. It shows you care about her comfort level while still being confident. Great advice!

  7. punom on January 9, 2014

    Once you’ve gotten her in there and not made a move, she will admire that you aren’t just saying whatever it takes to get her into bed and that you can maintain control over your primal urges

  8. Nikola on January 13, 2015

    Realy helpfull dude,especialy relaxing part.I wll try it for sure!

  9. Kim on February 28, 2015

    Just a tip. Please DO NOT try something again if a girl says to stop. It takes a lot of courage for a girl to say no, we always feel guilty. Trying again after (even if it’s just once) shows a girl that she’s not good enough unless she does what you desire of her. This article seems more about treating a girl right to get what you want as opposed to treating a girl with respect because she is a human and it’s what she deserves.

  10. Nasty on April 10, 2015

    What if she came to your house,went into your bedroom,she say she is cold but u ignored and later she came again u tried but she dosent want to,she said she is dating someone else

  11. Cosmos Abban on April 27, 2015

    Thanks for these steps. You are a genius

  12. Pankaj on April 28, 2015

    Awesome, really helpful article. I am highly thankful to you for providing such great tips. I am going to sleep with my girlfriend. It’s her first time & I wanted to make sure everything go smoothly.

    Thanks again, I will definitely apply your tips 🙂

  13. Julo on January 30, 2016

    Very good, these concepts is true, it makes it even more tense, when the girl is very shy, in case you have to spend more time establishing comfort to leave you relaxed. I was with a girl extremely shy and have more work in than usual so that the weather kept calm, serene, quiet, comfortable and relaxed. Thanks for the tips.

  14. Karla on February 29, 2016

    Hey Nick I’m A Woman I’m 22 I’m a lesbian do you give advice to lesbian women aswell?

    • mercy on April 2, 2016

      I am also a lesbian ..can we hang out

  15. Tim Clarke on March 4, 2016

    Such great advice Nick, I’ve recently started dating a girl, that in all honesty, has me infatuated. We’ve been seeing each other for a little under 2 months, and we have openly talked about our sexual desires, what turns us on, what doesn’t, and our favourite positions and what we’d love to receive from each other! In our case there’s no issue over whether or not she wants to sleep with me, because she’s already said that she does, but I do think that when it does come to us having some fun in the bedroom, she will be nervous, as will I. The first time with anyone is always awkward and nerve racking. I will definitely be applying these tips Nick, thanks very much for your insight!


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