A Woman May Be Your Perfect Wingman

November 17th, 2016 by Nick Notas 4 Comments

 

A lot of men tell me the hardest part of meeting women is not having a friend to go out with. They say…

All their friends are in a relationship or married. Or their buddies don’t like to go out to socialize and meet new people. Or, everyone they know is afraid to cold approach women.

It can be especially tough when moving to a new city and having to rebuild a social circle.

Few men want to approach women by themselves (even though their limitations are all in their head). And when they envision the perfect wingman, they only think of their guy friends.

Big mistake.

Because your FEMALE friends and acquaintances may be the best wingmen of all.

Women draw more women to you

You want women to take notice of you immediately? Walk into any environment with a girl or two around you. Because…

Women trust other women for approval. If they see another girl (even if they don’t know her) feeling comfortable around you, they’ll feel more comfortable, too. They trust the other woman’s judgement. From their point of view, you must NOT be a creepy, weird guy because otherwise that girl wouldn’t be hanging out with you.

I can’t remember where I heard this great analogy once:

Imagine you were at a party sharpening a butcher’s knife in the corner. That may put some people off and cause a bit of tension. But if there’s a woman engaged in conversation with you, everybody just thinks you’re the cook or have some valid reason for what you’re doing.

The same idea works for your value and attractiveness. You holding another woman’s attention inherently makes them wonder, “Hmm…why is this guy so interesting?”

And arguably the quickest way to build a connection is from a personal introduction from a friend. Referrals are basically instant approval.

That approval improves your perceived value. Many women get competitive for quality men. The more women are interested in you, the more valuable you become, and more women will chase you because of it. You become a “catch” they don’t want to potentially lose. 

Now I’m not saying to use this as some sort of jealousy tactic. But it is the truth and if you can surround yourself with cool female friends, you will attract more attention.

Girl friends make meeting new women easy

Single women go out to social events more often than men. While you may see a lot of men in the club, there’s a lot less of them at wine tastings, yoga classes, and poetry slams. Therefore, you have less male competition fighting for attention and more women who are excited to talk with the few guys there.

My friends who have large social circles with tons of women meet them through stand-up paddleboarding, salsa, improv, cooking classes, and more. They find activities they enjoy or find productive and that happen to be a goldmine for fun women.

They go out in groups. Women tend to bring friends with them when they’re out. That could eventually be you as a wingman but it also provides ample opportunities for you to hang out with more girls. It’s awesome to go out in a group where you always have someone to talk to while building a massive amount of social proof. You also have more girls to go approach people with.

Maybe more important than that, though, is the fact that women…

Female friends introduce you to their female friends. If a girl respects you as a friend, she will often want her friends to connect with you if you’re a good fit. She wants two awesome people to get together and make something even more awesome. I have a few friends who almost do no cold approaching at all because they just get introduced through their female friends to new attractive women regularly.

As I said above, there’s almost nothing stronger than a personal referral.

Changing your perception of women

Finding a good wing starts with being a good friend. And that’s where I feel a lot of guys fail in this area — they struggle to create meaningful friendships with women.

It’s rare to see younger men actually have female friends that they treat like their bros. I see a lot of men hanging out with women they CLAIM are friends…but deep down they’re waiting for the opportunity to hook up.

How can you have a healthy friendship when you’re always hoping for something more? When you don’t act in accordance with how you really feel, your behavior is insincere. You’re only her friend because you have ulterior motives. And you wouldn’t treat her the way you would a real friend.

That’s why a lot of men who have female “friends” don’t actively mingle with other people together. Because if they did that, there’s a chance the girl could meet another guy. So to play it safe, they hang out within their own social groups to prevent any chance of losing their opportunity with her.

That’s extremely selfish and self-limiting. Instead, your options should be to:

  1. Be intentional and show her your romantic interest.
  2. Commit to being just friends and help one another meet new people.

So, if you have women that you spend time with that you secretly desire…

Make a move already and see if she likes you back! If she doesn’t, at least 9 out of 10 times you can still be genuine friends. A girl isn’t going to fault you for showing interest in her, only if you act weird about it or keep pursuing her relentlessly.

Then, it’s time to let go of romantic expectations and only hang out if you can treat her like any other buddy.

Making the most of your existing female connections

Now what if you don’t hang out with any girls at all?

Well, there still may be many opportunities with women you’re overlooking. For example…

Co-workers. A lot of men socialize with women at work and never consider turning those work friends into real-world friends. When I was in the corporate world, I forced myself to make coffee break, copy machine, and post-meeting small talk. Even short, simple conversations start to make people feel comfortable and want to talk with you.

Then I started having lunch with female co-workers in the office or the downstairs cafeteria. Soon, it became normal to invite them once or twice a week to grab lunch outside the office. Eventually, I started making plans for after work drinks on Thursdays or Fridays somewhere close by.

Once we started getting together outside the office, we started making our own plans to go out regularly. They invited me to parties, I found cool events and invited them, and we would just go out to the city for drinks and talking to new people.

Romances that didn’t work out. Say you’re on a date that’s going well (in your opinion). And then at some point during or after the date you hear from the girl, “I’m sorry…I just don’t feel that spark.”

Your pride may cause you to want to sever the connection completely and never look back.

And I get it — rejection hurts. More than that, it’s tough to drop your ego and accept that someone may not like you (without taking it personally and feeling resentful.)

But many women who aren’t sexually attracted to you would still love to create a friendship with you. This is especially true if the women expressed they still want to be friends.

I’m not saying you have to turn every failed Tinder date into a friendship. But if you had a date where you both really clicked otherwise, then you should be open to it. The only thing holding you back is letting go of the belief that her lack of sexual interest is a reflection of your self-worth. It’s just a compatibility issue.

If you decide to pursue this route, make it abundantly clear that you both want friendship. You can tell the girl, “I would love to be just friends with you. But I also want to make sure you’re not just being polite and trying to let me down easy.”

The same thing goes for ex-girlfriends – but only if you’ve genuinely moved on and can be happy for them meeting new people.

Finding female friends when you don’t have any

If you don’t have any existing female friends, co-workers, or past relationships as potential wingmen — you still have options.

You need to go out and find women you have stuff in common with to be your friends. That means searching for local events, meetups, or classes near you. There will be countless of single women just waiting to meet someone cool.

Now I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking, “Well that doesn’t solve the issue of overcoming my fears of going up and talking to them!

There’s a way around that, too. The vast majority of men I talk to have no trouble speaking with other men or women they’re not attracted to. Or at least, it’s not as hard as approaching a woman they think is beautiful.

It usually comes down to worrying about whether or not you can attract that woman and how you can avoid rejection or judgment. Basically, you’re seeking romantic approval.

So if you take that “conquest” objective off the table, the fears wash away. You have to want nothing else but friendship and go in with the intention of trying to make that happen. You have to take the possibility of sex off the table.

That’s where I’ve written about the “friend zone” exercise. It’s where you go out consistently to practice only making friends with women and desensitizing yourself to needing to “win” every hot girl. You need to start seeing them as PEOPLE.

The best way to do that is to use the word “friend” early in conversation and also when you’re exchanging contact info. So sometime when you’re talking say something like, “You seem like you’d make an awesome friend.” or “Aww, now I know we’re going to be great friends.”

Then once you guys make plans, “Cool, let’s make plans to check out that exhibit sometime next week. I want to be upfront though — I’m just looking to make new friends.”

The moment a girl realizes that you aren’t there to sleep with her, she drops her defenses. A gay friend of mine said that the second he tells girls, “By the way, I’m gay” the dynamic shifts and the girl’s shoulders literally drop in relaxation. It’s the same idea here.

Building a friendship and gaining a wingwoman

So now you’ve got a girl in mind you want to start going out with.

Take the lead and invite them to do something together. You need to actually be friends who can hang out first.

If you don’t have much of an existing connection, you can make it easy as possible for them to say yes. Some ways to make that happen:

Suggest an idea that includes a commonality you both share. Think about your past conversations and find an event, activity, or hobby that you two enjoy. This way she’s still excited for the experience regardless of what happens and it takes the pressure off of you two to just talk the entire time.

Go out as a group to start. Sometimes a girl may be hesitant to go out with you alone if she hasn’t before. So inviting her to get together with your friends or suggesting she come out to an activity while bringing her friends is a good way to get her feeling more comfortable.

Host a party or event yourself. You want to showcase that you’re a social guy who likes to have fun. If you’re setting up something cool and people want to be apart of it, she’s more likely to want to join in on that fun. She can even bring her friends, and YOU become the awesome guy who’s cultivating a memorable experience.

Once you’ve built some real rapport, starting to meet new people together becomes a natural step. Here are some ideas to make that happen:

Give her a heads up. When you invite her/her friends out for drinks or to an event next time, say something like, “Let’s go check out that Tequila bar and make some new friends.” or “I want to go mingle with people tonight. Come join me at Wally’s Jazz Club.”

Tell her in the moment. While you’re out somewhere together, just let her know you’re excited to talk to people with her. “We should go talk to that group over there, they look like they’re having an awesome time.” or “I’m excited to meet some new faces, you in?”

Take the lead for her. Ask her if there’s anyone within a group she finds interesting. Heck, play “fuck, marry, kill” and see who she likes. From there, you can suggest going to talk to them for her and bring her into the conversation or bring the group back over. This way you can introduce her to guys when she may be nervous to do so herself.

You’re probably comfortable with talking to guys. She’s probably probably comfortable talking to other girls. That’s why you both can start approaching the opposite sex and making introductions easier for the other person. It’s like a match made in heaven!

Once you two get comfortable doing this, you’ll not only build an incredible friendship, but an unstoppable social duo.

The only better wingman is a puppy…but that’s another topic altogether.

  1. Ethan on November 17, 2016

    I grew up with a girl that I basically consider my sister. We’ve always done stuff together and have remained just friends. I think it gave me a healthier perspective on women and allowed me to make lots more friends with girls while my other guy friends only hang out with themselves.

    • Nick Notas on November 17, 2016

      I had a couple of best female friends since I was young, too. I definitely believed it shaped how I view women, along with having a sister. A lot of the men I know who struggle to have healthy connections with women lacked either of those things.

  2. Clark on November 17, 2016

    Hey Nick, we talked before over email and you recommended the friend zoning exercise. I’ll be honest that I never tried it because I have such a hard time not trying to attract every pretty girl. I think it’s really screwed with how I interact with women because as long as they’re attractive I just want them to like me even if I don’t know them well.

    I’m going to take this seriously and give it a shot. I’ll let you know how it goes!

    • Nick Notas on November 17, 2016

      Sometimes it’s hard to take advice and immediately apply it. What’s important is recognizing when something isn’t working and you need a change. Glad you’re going to try the exercise out and I’m excited to hear what happens.