6 Dating Truths Men Need to Hear But Don’t Want to

March 28th, 2014 by Nick Notas 14 Comments

Truth Hurts Lie to Me

Sugar-coated and sweet — it’s how we love to hear advice and criticism.

Getting the truth straight up makes us uncomfortable. It can be painful. It forces us to see parts of ourselves that need to be improved or changed completely.  So it’s usually easier to avoid it altogether.

Some of the most important lessons I’ve learned were not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. Harsh realities made me defensive and stuck in denial. But deep down, I struggled so much because I knew they were true.

Part of my job as dating coach is to occasionally dole out some of these harsh truths. Otherwise, how else are you going to know?  Your friends and family care too much about your feelings to tell you.

I understand your romantic life is a personal and touchy subject. So as an unbiased third party I’m here to tell you like it is – judgment-free, constructive, and blunt.

  1. When a girl likes you, she wants to see you. She wants to invest in you and continue the connection. She’s not thinking, “This guy is awesome, I can’t wait to hold off for a month before we hang out again.”

    If a girl never makes time for you, she’s probably not interested. The women who like to be chased endlessly are usually doing it for attention and as a result of low self-esteem. Either way, you probably shouldn’t be pursuing her.

    If you’ve tried making plans a couple times to no avail, it’s best to focus on women who are willing to invest in you.

  2. If you don’t meet lots of people and improve yourself, you have a high chance of ending up with someone who’s not right for you.

    When your options are limited or scarce, you’re going to desperately cling onto whatever comes your way. Too many people jump into relationships with the first person that shows them interest. And it’s one of the main reasons I believe the divorce rate is so high.

    They don’t evaluate that person objectively. They would just rather be with someone than alone. That in itself is unhealthy and the beginning of a codependent relationship.

    What you need to understand is that it’s not about finding someone, but someone compatible. We’re individuals with our own values, personalities, and interests. What are the chances that the first person you connect with is a perfect match? It rarely happens.

    You also have to remember “like attracts like”.  If you want to find a high-quality person who has their shit together, you have to become one, too. A confident partner who values herself isn’t going to stay with someone who’s not on that same level or working towards it.

  3. Getting the girl is easy, keeping her is the hard part. We’re so focused on immediate gratification. Everybody wants band-aid solutions.

    Guys want to know how to instantly get over approach anxiety. Discover the one secret to having amazing conversations or becoming a natural flirt. Find that illusive cure to all their problems.

    This is exactly why the guy behind the “One Weird Trick to Reduce Belly Fat” advertisements is filthy rich. He’s a snake-oil salesman in the digital age who preys on desperate people that don’t want to put the work in.

    Guys rarely ask me, “How can I become truly confident? What steps in my life do I need to take to be a more attractive person long-term? ”

    The only time they consider putting in any real effort is after shit goes wrong. They go into damage control when it’s too late.

    Shortsighted thinking is not an effective relationship strategy.

    It’s not hard to build initial attraction with someone or seem confident for a short period of time. But you can only fake it for so long. If you don’t genuinely exude attractive qualities, the real, insecure you will reveal itself in no time.

    What happens? You eventually lose the women you care about. It happened to me.

    Healthy relationships take constant work from both parties. They require growth. You need to maintain the connection between you – especially sexually.

    The couples that I’ve seen truly happy of the long-term, not just content, are still very into each other. They laugh, touch, and flirt like a new couple. Their passion is almost tangible.

    If you want an amazing, fulfilling relationship, you need to be in it for the long haul. And you should start now.

  4. You can’t control whether or not your partner cheats on you. Okay, you could lock them up Cleveland-kidnapper-style, but then that’s not a relationship, now is it?

    I learned this the hard way. I believed acting jealous, keeping close tabs on my partner, and checking their texts/emails would ensure fidelity. Oh how wrong I was.

    Everyone has a breaking point and will eventually break free from being controlled. That can happen through building resentment, shutting you out, ending the relationship, or you guessed it – cheating.

    What you can control is finding the right person for you and striving to be the best partner possible.  Communicate your feelings openly and directly. State your boundaries but also be reasonable.

    People tend to cheat when they feel something is lacking in their relationship – either emotionally or romantically. If you’re fulfilling those needs, your partner won’t have to look elsewhere.

    For the people who cheat even then, why would you want to be in a relationship with them? They clearly don’t respect you.

  5. There’s a good chance your ex doesn’t want to get back together. That’s why she ended it rather than trying to work things out.

    Is she communicating as much as she used to? Has she been investing in a romantic way (flirting, getting intimate)? Is she hanging out with you and saying she wants to be a couple again?

    Probably not. It sucks but you need to respect her decision and start moving on.

    I know that some of you will never stop until you get “closure”. If you absolutely need to know if there’s any hope, take action and stop wondering.

    Invite her to hang out. Treat her like someone you’re still romantically interested in. Flirt with her, be physical, and go for a kiss. If she ignores your calls/texts, doesn’t come out to see you, or rejects your advances when you’re together, it’s over.

    Don’t chase her just because you’re scared of being alone. Don’t allow yourself to obsess over her because now you can’t have her. Don’t let negative thoughts about her dominate your everyday life.

    Most importantly, remember that her rejection does not reflect your worth as a human being.

  6. That perfect girl you put on a pedestal probably has had naughty sex and dirty thoughts.

    A common response I get when advising guys to make a move

    “But this girl’s different. She’s not like anyone else. She doesn’t enjoy being flirted with or touched. I want to show her I’m respectful and not just in it for sex.”

    Your intentions are good, but you’re going about it all wrong.

    This girl you like, is she a virgin? If she’s not, that means some other guy, at some point in time, got her so turned on and horny she wanted to have sex with him.

    And do you think it was all friendliness and rose petals? No. There was probably a lot of moaning. She probably tried different positions. She’s probably given a blowjob. She’s had sexy thoughts and maybe talked dirty during sex. She isn’t repulsed by the idea of penetration.

    If she is a virgin, she’s likely masturbated. She may even use a toy that vibrates or one that she puts inside her. And what do you think she’s imagining while doing it?

    My point is to stop associating flirting and showing your romantic intentions as shameful. Desiring a woman does not make you a pervert. Sex is healthy and everyone wants it.

    Show her you want sex with her for the right reasons. She just wants to know you specifically like her and everything she has to offer. That you’re interested in more than just her physical attractiveness or convenience. 

    Listen intently, care about her passions, share your commonalities, tell each other stories, and build a deeper connection. At the same time, don’t be afraid to leadtouch her, tease her playfully, give her a forward compliment, branch into sexual conversations, and go for a kiss.

    It’s that perfect combination of both that women find irresistible.

    Someone is going to make a move on her, might as well be you.

Want the honest advice you need to succeed? Have a free session with me.

  1. Alex on March 28, 2014

    #4 really resonated with me…Whenever I start to really like a girl I get paranoid. How do you set boundaries when you aren’t officially dating yet?

    • Nick Notas on March 28, 2014

      If you’re not dating, then there’s no boundaries to set in regards to seeing other people. You’re not an exclusive partner and you have no right to say “I don’t want you dating other guys.”

      If you’ve hooked up and you’d like to be exclusive, then have that relationship talk. Just don’t do so early before she even knows what she wants, too.

      As for other boundaries like being respectful of your opinions and time, voice them as those issues come up. If she says something that was impolite or offends you, firmly but politely let her know. A lot of the time they didn’t realize they crossed your boundaries until you’ve told them.

  2. Bruno Babic on March 28, 2014

    Cool article, Nick. All of your 6 dating truths are spot-on. I’d just like to add one thing that could embrace them all. That’s the abundance mentality. The abundance mentality is what most guys miss to focus on when going out and that’s why they miss so many opportunities whether to approach women or to recognize women’s signs of attraction.

    That said, from my own experience, I can tell you that the lack of this abundance mentality when meeting women often comes from the lack of belief in yourself as a sexually free man. And, if you don’t believe in yourself as a sexually free man, chances are that you’ll have neither confidence nor motivation to meet women with desire and passion because you often feel as if you’re not worth having sex with very beautiful women.

    Perhaps if you let me write a guest post on your blog, I’d be happy to present the step-by-step process on how to embrace that vital new belief and most importantly how to accept to live by that belief.

    And, one of the keys to accepting that new belief is exactly what you describe as the dating truth 6:”That perfect girl you put on a pedestal probably has had naughty sex and dirty thoughts.”

    Bruno

    • Nick Notas on March 29, 2014

      Thanks Bruno.

      Having a mentality of abundance is important to all aspects of life. I agree it partially has to do with being a sexual free man but it’s also bigger than that — even in regards to meeting women.

      It comes back to realizing your own value and self-worth. Loving yourself and validating yourself as an amazing person rather than from outside sources, such as the women you meet.

      I’m currently not accepting any additional guest posts — especially dating related. But I’d definitely be open to it in the future. Send me over your ideas!

  3. T on March 31, 2014

    This is actually really good advice. And, more importantly, I think it applies to both genders. Speaking from a female perspective, #1 & #2 are both key points that a lot of females in the dating world have difficulty coming to terms with.

    • Nick Notas on March 31, 2014

      There’s definitely a lot of crossover for both men and women in this article. I wanted to make it neutral but a few points I felt were really specific to men. I actually have a follow up article specifically for women on the way.

  4. Nick on March 31, 2014

    Hey Nick,

    What are your thoughts about avoiding being the rebound, as in dating a woman just out of a relationship? I think that would be a good blog post in the future. As you say, if you’re not making the moves on her, someone else will.

    • Nick Notas on March 31, 2014

      You can’t ever 100% avoid a rebound. That’s up to the other person and how they feel about you.

      That said, I always advise leading with what you want. Some women can date immediately out of a relationship, some can’t. But if you want to pursue her, do so and see if she’s receptive.

      If you become romantic with her, all you can do is be upfront about what you want. After things get more intimate, you can let her know that you want something meaningful and not just a fling. See how she responds and what she’s looking for, too.

      There’s a great discussion on the forum about it and also check out my article on “when to have the relationship talk”:

      http://discuss.nicknotas.com/t/how-to-not-be-the-rebound-guy/130

      http://www.nicknotas.com/blog/when-to-have-the-relationship-talk/

  5. Don on March 31, 2014

    I was guilty of #2 when I was younger. I suffered from low self esteem and settled for anything that came my way. When I wasn’t happy or things didn’t work out, I had to take a long hard look at myself and swear off of dating while I worked on myself and becoming a better person. I’ve since bettered my self esteem and looked for and found a woman that meets my needs and who is my best friend.

    • Nick Notas on April 1, 2014

      Aww that’s sweet!

      I experienced the same thing. I don’t think I ever considered “should I be dating this person” when I was younger.

      Thankfully, a big breakup helped me realize that I need to invest in myself and find people who are truly compatible with me.

  6. Jon on April 7, 2014

    As always, very solid advice. Unfortunately, I’m probably one of the ones where experience hit me on the side of the head before I learned most of these truths. Better to know these things now, right?

  7. Seth on October 7, 2015

    Is it true that most women don’t really like sensitive guys who love to share their feelings, and if they are feelings about them they REALLY don’t want to hear it? I believe it is. Every time I share what I feel emotion wise I get put in the friendzone and then if I tell her that I like her, 99% of the time it’s over if she didn’t feel that way, so sometimes I just do it to get it over with and move on.