What Most Dating Coaches Will Never Admit

May 10th, 2013 by Nick Notas 12 Comments

Ryan Gosling and Steve Carell

About 10 years ago, the concept of a dating coach hit the mainstream. These dating coaches were specifically meant to help people create social lifestyles, gain confidence, and find consistent success in their romantic endeavors.

Sadly, the barrier of entry was low and the potential return on investment was high. You didn’t need credibility or a PhD, you just needed an audience willing to listen. The industry attracted a lot of less-than-stellar characters and the reputation of a dating coach was quickly tarnished.

Now when people hear the phrase “dating coach” they instantly think “sleazy car salesman”. And it’s because so many have been turned off by exaggerated claims, spammy pop-ups, and misogynistic preachings.

I discovered this profession by accident. I came in from the other side as a guy looking to put my own life back together. I was lucky enough to experience rapid improvements although I had to comb through a lot of awful advice in the process. I soon realized how much of what I read was unhelpful, unhealthy, and unsound.

Friends took notice of the changes I made and came to me for help. They wanted to know what I knew. I began teaching people close to me everything I had learned. As I saw my friends having the same life-changing experiences, their happiness fueled my desire to do this for a living. I’d found my passion.

So why do I consider myself a different kind of dating coach?

Because I made a promise from the beginning that my priority was to leave a positive, lasting impact on people. I rooted my philosophy in honesty, respect for both genders, and the promotion of healthy values. 

And while I run a business that keeps me afloat, I refuse to let it challenge my integrity. I always try to be upfront regardless of whether or not it will make a sale.

To rebuild trust for my profession, I’d like share some dating truths that I’m not afraid to tell you (and that you probably won’t hear anywhere else).

You can’t attract every woman

Sorry guys, those “Get EVERY woman you meet!” programs aren’t even close to realistic. Companies don’t want to say straight out “Get rejected by some women so you can be welcomed by others!” But I understand why they stretch the truth — it’s because a lot of men won’t even attempt to meet women after facing that reality.

I can’t sugarcoat it though. Women have different personalities, tastes, and preferences and you won’t match all of them. If there was some guy who could attract every woman he met, I would quit teaching and study under his ethereal wisdom. But it will never happen.

The great thing is that there are more women than you could ever handle that will be head over heels into you. Yes, you will face rejection in the process, but every time you’ll get stronger. Each woman who isn’t interested saves you time, weeds out incompatibility, builds resilience, and brings you closer to finding women who you will make substantial connections with.

Embrace rejection for it leads to success.

You’ll never completely eliminate your approach anxiety

After five years and thousands of interactions with women, I still get butterflies sometimes. I still feel that heart racing, hands shaking, stomach in knots visceral response. And I’ve come to love it.

Fear is a normal emotion that we all encounter. Running from it doesn’t make it go away, it only makes it more powerful. As Carl Jung said, “What you resist, persists.” Instead, your goal should be to accept the fear as a normal part of life and understand how to manage it.

One of the best ways to do that is to work through the fear by introducing yourself to women even though you’re terrified. This generates reference experiences that prove to your subconscious “I can do this. I’ve done it before, and it didn’t kill me. Even when it went awkwardly or not how I hoped, I still came out fine. And I’m so damn happy I did it.”

With each subsequent approach, you will gain better control over your anxiety. You still may feel it, but it will get to a point where it won’t limit you anymore. Get out there and start being scared!

There is no exact formula to dating success

As much as people would like you to believe that women are math equations, they’re not. There is no specific line, routine, or step-by-step-process to attract women. Unfortunately, one-size-fits-all solutions sell to desperate minds.

What does work are concepts. Focus on the bigger picture and stop obsessing over every detail. Principles like meeting new people regularly, having good body language, being assertive, creating physical contact, and consistently escalating will massively increase your chances. I’ve watched hundreds of guys with different levels and combinations of these see great results.

That said..

This is not an overnight process

Anyone who promises otherwise is lying. You’re trying to overcome anxieties, build new skills, and internalize a high level of self-worth. It requires introspection, dedication, and effort on your part – there are no shortcuts. But, the investment pays off immeasurably for the rest of your life.

Which is why…

Coaching bootcamps are not a good value for your money

Will you get some benefit out of paying for a crash course weekend in dating? Sure. Would it be worth $3000? Definitely not.

Becoming socially confident and creating romantic connections with women are skills that require time to develop. Compare them to learning a new language or how to cook. I could teach you the basics of culinary arts in a weekend. But to hone your knife technique, understand complex flavor profiles, and come up with incredible dishes on-the-fly, it will take much longer than two days.

Then why do so many companies offer these programs? Because it makes a ridiculous amount of money in a short time with minimal investment from the coach. 

Against the advice of multiple business friends, I can’t bring myself to offer a bootcamp. If you took that $3000 and spread it over a couple months, it would be infinitely more beneficial. You would have time to form good habits, retain knowledge, and get consistent feedback.

Think about the tests you crammed for. How quickly after you took those exams did you forget most of the material?

You shouldn’t believe everything you read

Most importantly, don’t compare yourself to what you read, either.

There are thousands of online posts from dating coaches sharing their encounters with girls. These stories showcase the coaches’ godlike abilities to attract gorgeous women. They contain perfectly witty dialogue and convey unbelievable sexual escapades.

While some are definitely true, many are embellished or downright false. Even the tales that are grounded in reality exclude “negative” details like awkward pauses, generic conversation, and moments where they stumble.

The coaches are also just posting their highlight reel — you don’t know how much practice and how many rejections it took to get to that point. It’s an unfair, unrealistic comparison to judge yourself against them.

Instead, measure your success against yourself. Are you pushing your comfort zone regularly? Are you hitting your goals, even if they’re small? Are you seeing improvements in your dating life, no matter how tiny? As long as you’re constantly moving forward and challenging yourself, be proud. Stop looking at the finish line and just worry about hitting the next mile.

Getting laid won’t make you happy

The dating industry pushes sex as the ultimate fix to all problems because sex sells. Guys become obsessed with this belief. I’ve had countless men tell me, “I just need to find a girlfriend. I just need to get this one girl. I just need to learn how to date hot women. Then I’ll finally be happy.”

Trying to fill an internal void with only external validation never works. I think sex is healthy and important — but it’s not a cure for low self-esteem or depression. And in fact, it can make men feel worse when they realize it didn’t solve their issues the way they had hoped.

Invest in yourself constantly. Get healthier. Discover passions that you love to develop a lifestyle that makes you fulfilled. Expand your social circle and meet women as a side effect of your awesome world.

As cheesy as it is, you have to become happy with who you are with or without a girl. Hitting it off with beautiful women is just icing on the cake.

What’s the point of me writing all this? Am I trying to feel good about tearing other people down? Am I trying to convince you that I’m the best dating coach there is?

No. All I want to do is elevate the industry and this profession to new heights. I want transparency and trust to be at the core of what we do. I want people to value us as compassionate, knowledgeable advisors rather than pushy, cold businessmen.

And it’s because I love what I do. I love that I help men improve their quality of life and connect with amazing women. Everyday I’m moved by the people who reach out to share how I’ve influenced their happiness. It’s a rewarding career that I wouldn’t change for anything.

  1. Dhruv Bhagat on May 10, 2013

    Yeah, seriously…. I have some friends that have many girlfriends till date…

    They act as a mentor for those who are singles and are always giving shitty tips…

    I think you should be polite, act natural, love everyone and one day you will get a guy/girl that will love you till the end…

    Great post btw.. 🙂

  2. Socialkenny on May 10, 2013

    As for “you can’t attract every girl”, true, but it’s the mind set to have. The gurus aren’t saying this to mean that it’s true. They’re just building confidence in the guy by having the mind set that you can get any girl.

    • Nick Notas on May 11, 2013

      Hey Kenny,

      I would slightly disagree. What you’re saying is “assume every woman will be into you until proven otherwise” which is a good mindset to I have. I wrote about it here:

      What I’m talking about is the guaranteed claims that if you buy a coach’s program or listen to their advice, you will hook up with every woman you meet. It sets an unrealistic expectation that deters men when it doesn’t come true.

      Thanks for the comment!

  3. sumitran on June 1, 2013

    You are honest and you are right. Success in dating does not end with getting sex. It gives you immense confidence and it might change your life entirely and positively.i am in the other end of the world and i am old. yet i come out with my opinion as i find you honest and sincere. good luck

  4. Mickey McConnell on February 21, 2014

    I love it. Honest and straight forward, you cut through the bullsh*t! I can’t say that about everyone, Thank you for your inspiring articles.

  5. Tony D on March 27, 2014

    You’re right that you can never eliminate approach anxiety completely, because after four years of teaching full time infield pickup, I can still sense a little tiny hint of it, somewhere in another dimension within my soul. But I ignore it.

    Coaching bootcamps with good coaches are worth every penny. If you are writing this, you either had a shit coach or have never worked with a great one yourself. I have a hard time believing you’re a great dating instructor if you’re writing these statements. You just don’t have the narcissistic belief in your skill set.

    And getting laid, the dozens and dozens over the years, has made me incredibly happy as it’s augmented my otherwise fun and interesting lifestyle. So, you’re wrong there again.

  6. Introverted Playboy on June 17, 2014

    I think you make a lot of good points here. It’s good that dating advice in general is moving more towards a more realistic, balanced and level-headed place and away from the pie-in-the-sky promises of certain hucksters.

    Beyond the very basic level, the routine-based approach narrowly focused on sex delivers drastically diminishing returns and you need to embrace a more spontaneous, genuine and authentic strategy.

    The fact that the field as a whole in moving more in this direction is reflective of the fact that guys in general are becoming more mature and “growing up” so to speak, getting a more realistic understanding of what attraction is.

  7. alex on December 5, 2014

    I like this it is honest it does feel good to be told you can have anyone and half good to think it, what i mean is this might make some ppl overly confident…(cocky) i guess some girls might like that ?? What do I know I have bad to no luck when I finally get up the courage to talk to a girl I get the result I want but after my “2 week run” they always change there mind about me so I try not to try witch is hard because a beautiful girl is gods art once she catches my eyes…its over I cant help it
    Im like a dog chasing a car I just wouldnt know what do do if I caught it…lol not that bad but you get it.

    But back to my point i like the honesty and straight forwardness of you thanks.

  8. Juan M Armas on March 14, 2015

    There some people who is making opinion about dating coaches in general without to have a clear picture of what they are speaking about. I agree some dating coach are shit, and some of the staff mentioned which and some work can sound sexist and misogynist, but thats no mean do not work. I think the problem is that many of them cannot express their abilities and the market is quite over sexualise, because the client who look for this service demand that. I believe that men and women are different and I consider myself feminist, but I understand for that equal opportunities and not that we are the same. I have some probes based scientifically on this. I believe the majority of the people who is against dating coaches it is because they do not understand them, or they had bad experience with bad dating coaches . Also some psychologist who think because they have some skills, the rest is rubbish. I am happy has been to be a dating researcher and lastly dating coaching and answer all your questions. My interest is not commercial except if someone is start to be more interested deeply, my only purpose its remove bad information.

    This all mean, I am just agree with the 20% of this article, the rest is something spoke on ignorance or frustration base. dating coaching is a science made from other topics but also some sexualization, social skills, romantic communication, and others are added.

  9. Rebecca Garrod on April 22, 2015

    Thanks for such an honest post. I am also a dating coach, but still agree with your 1 point that girls are really sensitive to choice their life partner. So sometime we need to change their mind also. But this is also not always right that dating coach never help to get out a frustrated man from anxiety. They can really help you to find out your actual love and give you the proper solution to your life’s complexities.

  10. Guy on May 9, 2015

    Your dating coach article is the most honest I have read. Many dating coaches want you to spend tons of money on their techniques and
    and offer nothing you can count on. I hate the fact that many of dating coaches want you to play games with women to attract their attention.

  11. zan on October 20, 2015

    Really i got a shit ass advice from a friend to start sending flowers and chocolates to a girl whom a barely knew and it backfired on me. should have never listened to that kinda advice. those guys have no clue about dating and courting women.


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