Why We Fall: Amor Fati

July 24th, 2012 by Nick Notas 4 Comments

During our car ride to The Dark Knight Rises (incredible film), my friend and I talked about career development. We discussed that while knowledge is important, a lot of it is about making personal connections. At one point he said, “I feel empowered. I’m not afraid anymore.”

I looked at him, intrigued.

“I used to get scared while talking to people and tried to run away from it. I dreaded that feeling of awkwardness and not knowing what to say. Finally, I said screw it. Now I stand there nervous as shit but I embrace it – I enjoy it. Even when things don’t go well, I know I’m becoming more comfortable and confident.

I grinned and replied with the Latin phrase, “Amor Fati.”

Amor Fati loosely translates to “love of fate” or “love of one’s fate”. It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one’s life, including suffering and loss, as character building. Moreover, it is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one’s life.” – Wikipedia

I’ve had my share of tough times that left me depressed and discouraged. However, each one forced me to evolve and contributed to my personal growth.

  1. My girlfriend dumps me on our 2-year anniversary. My world collapses and I think I’ll never be happy again.

    Result: That breakup spurs me to take a hard look at myself. I realize I’m jealous, needy, and emotionally manipulative – I’m a typical “nice guy”. This leads to my journey of self-development and learning how to hold healthy relationships. Which in turn leads me to become a dating coach.

  2. My father has a heart attack and receives a quadruple bypass. I get a full-time job at 19 to support my family.

    Result: I learn the value of a dollar. I go from a spoiled, entitled boy to a humbled, driven man. I mature and am pushed to grow up and take responsibility. I get my life and my shit together.

  3. I’m out with a girl out on a date. She ends up talking to another guy, is clearly into him, and asks me if it’s okay to get his number. I tell her she can go home with him but it’s a smack in the face.

    Result: I understand that I need to create stronger sexual connections. I also learn to respect and stand up for myself.

  4. I get into a major car accident and almost die.

    Result: This teaches me to re-evaluate irrational decisions. It teaches me to appreciate every second of life and how it really can end in the blink of an eye. I start to live the life I always wanted.

  5. I’m with a girl I really like at her place. We’ve already kissed but she wants to take things slow. I push too hard and get frustrated with her. I blew it and we never see each other again.

    Result: I recognize and learn to respect boundaries. I also realize how childish I am for getting mad that a woman wasn’t ready to hook up yet.

  6. I get diagnosed with hypoglycemia. I’m forced to change my lifestyle or risk getting diabetes.

    Result: I become the healthiest version of myself. I exercise regularly, eat well, and get fit. I look better, feel better, and become substantially more attractive to women.

Amor Fati is key to becoming the best you. All the “failures” and poor outcomes I’ve endured have strengthened me. At the time they were horrible, but ended up teaching me valuable lessons. We must always relish in that which challenges us in life, especially with women.

If I’d never approached and gotten turned down (plenty), I wouldn’t have learned how to deal with rejection. If I’d never sounded stupid in front of a girl, I wouldn’t have met tons of great ones. If I hadn’t awkwardly hit on women, I wouldn’t have discovered sexual tension.

Difficulties will come your way no matter what – do your best to turn them into growth opportunities. Embrace the possibility of change and know that wherever you end up, you’ll be a better man. Alfred says so.

I want to help you succeed! Have a free strategy session.

  1. Rob on July 30, 2012

    Intense stuff man. I’m sure there’s a psychological reason why we sometimes have to hit rock bottom to get a reality check.

    Do you have any advice for when you’re first trying to pick yourself back up?

    • Nick Notas on July 31, 2012

      Push yourself one day at a time but consistently. Start doing things that make YOU happy. Hang out with friends, try a new hobby, join an athletic club, go to local meetup events, whatever. As you start to expand your comfort zone, just try talking to someone new each time. Eventually, you’ll start to feel good about your own growth and become more confident in social situations.

  2. John Doe on July 20, 2013

    There is some slight conflicting advice with this post and the one that lead to this. I came here from your “aircraft in Puerto Rico” post.

    In Puerto Rico, you were pushing hard, even when the odds are impossible. You had stepped over boundaries without care just to get what you needed. However you mention that with the girl at her home, you pushed too hard. I know there is some crucial difference here that I’m not seeing. But I’m unsure if you advocate pushing all the way no matter what (till you utterly and irrevocably fail) – or back off.

  3. Cyrus on January 4, 2014

    Great stuff! Very in line with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:


Never Blow A First Date Again.