How to Give Women the Sex They Really Want
Most men suck at sex. There, I said it.
But to be honest, it’s not all our fault. The resources that exist to teach men are generally awful. We have:
- Porn, most of which is unrealistic. Freakishly massive dongs that thrust full force for 15 minutes, fingerblasting, and girls faking orgasms left and right. Even the majority of amateur stuff is a poor educator.
- Friends who often give bad advice because they don’t know better themselves.
- Advice that focuses only on “techniques”. While some are useful, many are overkill or wrong. You don’t need 43 ways to lick a clitoris.
They’re all missing the real core of what defines an amazing lover…
How you make a woman feel.
The emotional climax you bring her to. How you turn her on to the point where she can’t even hold back her orgasm. Where she’s so sexually charged that you unleash her primal state.
The good thing is, any man can learn how to become an amazing lover — regardless of penis size.
Note: This is a graphic post. The links and content below are NSFW.
Create variety. It’s the spice of life and the bedroom. I know many women say they always enjoy missionary position but human biology is attracted to new. And we often can’t know what we’ll enjoy until we experience it ourselves.
Change it up sometimes. Role play. Let her take control. Have phone or video sex when you’re apart. Tie each other up or use a blindfold. Turn off the lights and have sex by candlelight. Put on sexy instrumental music. Use a toy…or two.
Be spontaneous. Try new positions. Try new places — both indoors and out. I’ve had sex against the wall, on countertops, on laundry machines, in showers, and in jacuzzis. I’ve also gotten hot in cars, in clubs, in a lake, at the park, on the beach (sand sucks), and in public bathrooms (not proud of this).
Yes, I’m aware that having sex in public is against the law. I’m not saying you have to do that (although it can be a rush). The point is to open your mind to sexual possibilities and realize how fun it is to experiment together.
Build sexual tension throughout the day. Foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts in the morning when you stroke her ass as she’s lying next to you. It continues in the afternoon when you send her flirtatious and dirty texts.
It’s when you rub her thighs on the drive to a restaurant. When you’re at the restaurant and play footsie under the table. And when you’re leaving and whisper exactly what you’re going to do to her once you get home.
You want her panties soaked and her mind stirring before the real foreplay begins. Do that and she’ll barely be able to restrain herself.
Have lots of foreplay. You’re probably not doing enough of it. While us men are ready to go in 30 seconds or less, most women need to be primed. The more turned on she gets before sex, the wetter and better it’ll feel for both parties.
Take your time and tease the hell out of her. Kiss every inch of her body from her neck down to her thighs. Rub her crotch over her panties. Take her panties off slowly. Relish in the feeling of her soft skin.
Go down on her. Lick around her lips, then on them, and move to her clit. Don’t listen to the “draw the alphabet” advice. For beginners, start with a circular motion and apply consistent gentle pressure. Make sure your tongue is wet. Increase firmness and speed as she gets worked up. Her moans will give you guidance.
There’s no specific duration of foreplay but 10-15 minutes is a minimum. Some sessions can last for much longer.
Be dominant. While this doesn’t apply to everyone, the overwhelming majority of women crave a dominant partner. Keep in mind, dominance and romance are not mutually exclusive. I personally haven’t met a girl who didn’t like being taken in the bedroom. Women don’t want a timid boy, they want a man who fucks them.
Of course, this is a touchy subject. The last thing you want to do is scare a woman or make her uncomfortable. That’s why you always talk to her about what she likes and what she’s comfortable with. And you’re always conscious of her body language.
So how far do you go as a dominant? That depends on what you both want.
Some beginner ideas are grabbing her by the waist and taking her suddenly. Pulling her clothes off aggressively. Pressing her up against a wall. Pinning her body or wrists down. Hard thrusting. Dirty talk. Grabbing her legs, spreading them, and putting them over your shoulders. Biting. Spanking. Tugging the base of her hair. Light bondage.
Then there are more hardcore avenues which require even deeper trust and communication. Things like vulgar dirty talk, rape fantasy, choking, gagging, spitting, slapping, flogging, humiliation, and orgasm denial. Everyone has their own level of kink.
Finally, always have a safe word. I saw a good system I like — red, yellow, green. Red is “stop.” Yellow is “back off a little, but don’t stop.” Green is “give me more!”
For thorough reading on being a dominant lover and venturing into BDSM, I recommend The Loving Dominant, Sm 101, and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. Also, this free three-part guide is brilliant.
Last longer. Just like foreplay, intercourse should never be rushed (unless there’s only time for a quickie). It’s highly debated but the average guy lasts 3-7 minutes while I’ve found the average woman wants and needs more — about 10-15 minutes. Stop thinking about just getting off and appreciate the journey.
If it’s an endurance issue, there are many ways to train yourself. Take deep breaths and relax your body in the moment. Change positions when things get too intense. Find positions that you last longer in. Masturbate before hooking up with a girl. When you masturbate, take your time to orgasm. Build yourself up to the edge, back off, then build it up again.
- Laugh. Sex should be fun and if you can’t laugh with your partner, you’re doing it wrong. I’ve said silly things in the moment. I’ve made absurd faces. And I’ve giggled with girls at queefs. Don’t take it too seriously and both of you will have a better time.
Desire her. Have you heard of Rocco Siffredi? He’s one of the most famous adult film stars and has won nearly 40 AVN awards (the Oscars of adult cinema). Again, porn is not an accurate representation of the real world but he does one thing that transcends his films…
He desires women more than anyone else. He looks at them, talks to them, and touches them as if he can’t contain his lust. He makes every girl feel like she’s the sexiest woman on the planet. He’s passionate and romantic in the midst of some brutal scenes.
Think it’s all acting? It’s not. He’s gained a reputation for being the actor porn starlets seek out and love having sex with. Actress Bobbi Starr said, “Any girl in the industry who has been with him… will tell you that they have done things with him that they would never do with anyone else.”
Siffredi has said, “I want to see emotion…excitement…the eyes going up from being surprised.” He claims to watch a woman’s eyes every time he penetrates her. He insists that he remembers every single woman with whom he’s had intimate relations.
Get turned on by a woman and the female form. This is especially effective if you have sexual anxiety. Instead of worrying about if you’ll be “good enough”, focus on how hot she is and how much you crave her.
Appreciate her body. Look at it like you want to devour her. Stare deep into her eyes while you enter her. Kiss her with passion. Breathe hard and be vocal. Tell her how beautiful she looks and how you have to have her. Embrace your primal instincts.
- Don’t beg for sex. It’s pathetic and unattractive. No woman wants to feel like sex is a chore or obligation. If you can’t put in the effort to turn her on and engage her emotions, then you don’t deserve her intimacy.
Encourage her sexuality through communication. Great sex doesn’t happen by accident. It happens with honest discussions, positive reinforcement, and dropping your inferiority complex. Good partners have an insatiable appetite to give their woman the best sex possible.
Together, you have to open up about expectations, needs, and desires. I know it’s not easy — many of us are overcoming sexual shame that has been instilled since we were young.
Ask her what positions she enjoys. How she likes you to play with her clit. See what she’s always wanted to try. Invite her to share her wildest fantasies and fetishes. Create a safe, judgement-free environment where she’s enthusiastic to grow with you. The best compliment I’ve been given is “you helped me discover my sexual side.”
Contrary to popular belief, sex should only get better with a partner as time goes on.
Relaxation is the key to coming.Tension is the #1 orgasm blocker. It’s estimated that 90% of all orgasm problems are psychological in nature. So you can guarantee she won’t come if she’s nervous, pressured, stuck in her head, or feeling judged.
You need to immerse her in the moment. This is where being patient and having lots of foreplay comes in. Caress her body to release all the tension in her muscles. Instruct her to breathe softly, sink into the bed, and close her eyes. Tell her to focus only on the pleasure she’s feeling right then.
When you’re having sex, give her positive encouragement. Express how perfect her soft canal feels. Share how much she’s turning you on. Reinforce what a good girl she is. Encourage her to embrace all her naughty thoughts and emotions.
And if she doesn’t orgasm during a session, don’t get hurt or pissed off. She’s probably disappointed or ashamed — and she needs your support. Offer to please her another way. Let her know that her orgasm isn’t the end all be all and you had a great experience anyway. Get excited with her about trying to bring her there next time.
For a woman to orgasm with you, she needs to trust you. If you get frustrated or make her feel bad, she’s going to dry up.
- Don’t immediately apologize or ask if she liked it. This is a huge buzzkill. If you ejaculate prematurely, finish her off with your tongue and fingers. Don’t pester her about whether or not she came as soon as you finish. Let her relax and enjoy the moment. You can discuss what she liked, didn’t like, and what to improve later.
Do anal right. The worst way to get her to want it is to force it on her. She has to desire it. Make it all about her enjoyment and mean it. Don’t pressure or guilt her to do it as a favor!
It can take many sessions for a girl to warm up to the idea. She might have had terrible past experiences. She might be worried it’s going to be dirty or gross. She might just not want it at all, ever.
Tell her how sexy her ass is. Worship it. Kiss and massage her cheeks. Let her bask in the sensations. Tell her how beautiful it looks while you’re deep inside her.
Rub the entrance to her ass lightly while you’re going down on her or taking her from behind. If she’s comfortable and moaning, gently press the tip of your finger in. Before actual anal, it’s best to practice with fingers and smaller toys (and lots of lube).
When you’re both ready for the full experience, take it SLOW and GENTLE. Again, you want a ton of lube because the anus doesn’t get wet like a vagina.
Don’t go further than an inch or so when you first enter her. There’s an internal involuntary sphincter that must relax on its own. Keep your tip in there for a minute or two while kissing or rubbing her body. Then gradually work your way in. If you do all that, it should be painless and pleasure filled.
Figure out what makes her come. 10-15% of women have have never had an orgasm. Up to 50% achieve orgasm infrequently and are dissatisfied with how often they reach orgasm. This is a huge frustration for men but you have to stop taking it personally. Each woman is different and you have to be patient in figuring out what works for her.
Some women come quickly and often. Some take longer and come once. Some can only come through direct clitoral stimulation. Others need a combination of clitoral and vaginal and even anal stimulation. Only 25% of women come from intercourse alone and without the use of fingers, a tongue, or toys.
Talk to her about which way really gets her off. If she’s unsure, experiment together in various sessions. Encourage her to play with herself or use a toy while in her. Some men get angry when a girl wants to use a vibrator. To that I say, get over your insecurity. She wants to use it with YOU while having sex with YOU. You should be happy to help her come in any way possible.
Great sex is absolutely critical for healthy, sustainable romantic relationships. If you want a woman to stick around, stay loyal, and stay satisfied…
You have to give her the sex she really wants.
I’ll never forget the first time I shared my above philosophies on sex. It was to a friend who had gotten out of a four year relationship where the sex was dull and rare. He started seeing a new girl and wanted to make sure things got off on the right foot.
A week later he calls me with panic in his voice. He said, “Dude…what the hell is going on?”
At this point, I’m nervous that I somehow screwed up his chances with the new girl.
He continued, “We had sex three times last night. I was so sore and exhausted I passed out. Then she woke me up at 5AM and wanted to go again!”
I laughed and breathed a sigh of relief. I simply replied, “Smile. That’s a damn good problem to have.”
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