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5 Lies You Tell Yourself About Meeting Women

December 11th, 2019 by Nick Notas 6 Comments

Lying to yourself

Putting yourself out there in new social situations is hard.

It’s even harder when you’re putting yourself out there to find new romantic connections. You’re exposing yourself to potential judgement, rejection, and heartbreak.

So to protect yourself, it’s natural to tell yourself made-up stories. You think it’s not worth trying or nobody will be interested anyway. You insist that NOT going for it is the safest and most reasonable course of action.

And over time, it gets easier and easier to truly believe these lies…right down to your core.

At some point, you become convinced that it’s pointless to try and meet new women. You spend years, even decades, unconsciously making excuses and avoiding action at all costs.

That’s why I’m here to help you poke holes in your carefully constructed lies and excuses.

I’ve got a few hypothetical questions for you to ask yourself. I’m going to make you look at your situation from different, but still plausible, angles. That’s how you’ll recognize whether or not your excuses are rooted in truth or fear.

Right here, right now…be honest with yourself.

“I’m just out to have a good time with friends.”

Having a good time

This argument implies that there are designated times for fun with friends and separate times for fun with women.

That’s a terrible way to think about socializing. Men who meet women naturally don’t go out hunting for them at a certain time or a certain day. They don’t treat women as an alien species who live by different rules.

Instead, they live a fun social life and talk to whoever, whenever. They invite women to hang out with their friends and women invite them to hang out with theirs.

Because of this, they have social proof and radiate positive energy. They’re inherently deeply attractive to women.

Moreover, this lie says that your single friends also aren’t interested in meeting amazing women if given the chance. And that’s crazy. Every breathing man wants that opportunity and would appreciate the support of a close friend.

Challenge yourself and ask:

  • If a group of attractive women came up to us and wanted to talk, would I tell them we’re too busy or not in the mood?
  • If a beautiful girl walked over and asked if she could talk to me for 5 minutes, would I say “too bad, I’m with my friends”?
  • If I spent 5 minutes tonight talking to my future wife, would I have wished I just stayed with my friends?

“There aren’t any single attractive women in my area.”

No women in sight

We’re all connected with more modes of transportation and communication than ever. And in general, everywhere is becoming more populated. Odds are, you have PLENTY of places to meet someone you like.

I get that living in a really small town in the middle of nowhere makes finding new people challenging. But other than that scenario, it’s statistically improbable there aren’t attractive women in a 30-minute driving radius from you.

When I hear this lie from clients, they often feel this way because they haven’t ventured out of their house enough. They haven’t researched new social environments or activities. They haven’t invested the time in going out and exploring. They stick to online dating and only go out to their usual places for food and coffee.

There are endless places to find compatible women! Yoga, spin class, crossfit, meditation seminars, silent retreats, silent discos, bookstores, book meetups, healthier food markets, outdoor markets, hiking trails, any kind of salsa/bachata/swing dancing, galas, charity work, museums, and art gallery openings.

So before you claim there aren’t enough women…

Challenge yourself and ask:

  • Have I Googled events, classes, or hobbies to try around me?
  • Have I tried going out to these places at least once every few weeks?
  • If I didn’t enjoy those places or see women I’d want to meet, did I try a handful of other ideas over a few months?

“She’s not attractive enough.”

Not attractive enough

Listen, I know it’s important to be physically attracted to someone you pursue. But the question is…how much is enough?

Men sometimes set unattainable beauty standards as an excuse not to talk to a woman. They complain that she’s not attractive enough if she’s not drop-dead, supermodel gorgeous.

Guys usually do this when they don’t have a ton of experience themselves. Or when they haven’t invested in making themselves as attractive as possible.

You have to earn your standards. It’s unrealistic to expect the most in-demand women to fawn over you when you haven’t put in the work yourself.

Additionally, you’re looking at women as pure objects instead of living, breathing, loving human beings. You’re saying that they’re only good enough for you when they hit a certain level of physical beauty.

Whenever I call a guy out on this and they date a woman who they find attractive enough, they often realize the error of their ways. They get to know her awesome personality, which makes her even more attractive, and they don’t question their interest anymore.

Challenge yourself and ask:

  • If she invited me on a date and made it clear she was interested in me, would I reject her?
  • If she offered me her number, would I turn it down?
  • If she asked me to come to her place tonight, would I say no?

“She’s not interested in a casual hook up.”

Casual hookup

I hear this lie a lot when guys just want to casually date a woman and aren’t interested in more. They avoid moving things forward with her because they assume she wouldn’t be open to the same thing.

You are not a member of the X-Men. You can’t read minds. Therefore, you have no fucking clue what a woman wants or doesn’t want unless she explicitly tells you.

When you try to assume who a woman is, you’re just spinning a fake story in your head. You’re trying to box women into categories instead of realizing that they are nuanced individuals.

We’re in 2019. Many women aren’t looking to jump into a long term relationship with a guy they just met. And they don’t expect that from you. There are plenty of women who enjoy casual sex. There are plenty of women who like to date a guy and just see how things go.

Instead of speaking for her, how about you let her speak for herself? She’s an adult so treat her like one. Tell her what you’re looking for and let her tell you want she wants in return. 

Challenge yourself and ask:

  • Have I asked her what she wants or if she’d be comfortable with what I’m looking for?
  • Have I heard her say she doesn’t want a casual relationship or friends with benefits in her own words?

“I don’t have time to meet anyone.”

I got no time!

A lot of people I talk to work hard on their careers. But they feel like with work and personal responsibilities, there’s just no way they could fit in meeting women, too.

In reality, they have some free time. They just don’t want to give it up to go out and be more social.

There are exceptions to the rule. I know doctors who are in residency working 60-80 hours a week, studying their asses off, and have to be on-call. They literally have an hour or two to accomplish all their basic daily necessities.

But outside of that, I haven’t found many situations where people are as busy as they claim. Even if you work 50 hours per week, you still have weekends and at least one day a week you could do something after work.

The real situation is that a lot of guys, especially introverts, see the process of meeting women as grueling. They believe it will take a ton of energy when it’s way easier to just relax at home. But that is just your mind lying to you to keep you safe and comfortable in your bubble.

Studies show that EVERYONE, including introverts, feel invigorated by new human connections. They just need to balance it within their normal lives, find the right environments, and seek out the right dynamics (often smaller social groups).

I bet there have been times when you didn’t feel like going out to meet a friend(s). Then you did, had an amazing night, and didn’t think about needing to rush back home. In fact, you probably lost yourself in the experience and had the time of your life.

It can absolutely be the same with meeting women. And it will be if you’re putting yourself in the right places and talking to the right people. 

Challenge yourself and ask:

  • Have I not had time to watch streaming services (movies/tv) or YouTube this week?
  • Have I had zero time to use social media after work?
  • Are every single one of my weekend days and weekday nights filled with crucial obligations?

If you said no to any of these questions, you might just be lying to yourself out of fear.

Some men see fear as a sign of weakness. So admitting when they’re scared is something they just won’t do.

Ironically, this is the exact attitude that sabotages their success with women.

While they protect their ego, they never accept that they’re holding themselves back from getting what they truly desire. They procrastinate the hard work that would lead to romantic fulfillment.

Admitting your fears is what makes you strong. It’s the first step to finding the courage to take the next step. And the step after that.

We’re all afraid of something. Real warriors are just the ones brave enough to go out and fight against it.

Are you ready to meet the women you want? Take action and check out our new retreat program.

  1. Tom on December 12, 2019

    Hi Nick,

    This is a great article and I’m definitely guilty of some of these.

    One of the things that’s stopping me at the minute is money, I really love attending music events and festivals and due to my age I feel there’s only a few more years I can do these on a regular basis so this is what 80% of my disposable income is going on for now and I feel that I cannot afford to see women too much other than maybe a few drink dates.

    I actually saw a girl yesterday in a shop who was clearly giving me iois but I’m my mind I just thought all my money is reserved until payday so there’s no point.

    Do you have any advice with this?

    Thanks

  2. Janet on December 12, 2019

    Hahahahahahaha, I loved this article! You made me laugh, “You are not a member of the X-Men. You can’t read minds.” That’s so right on! Keep up the great articles! I love them! 🙂

  3. August on December 13, 2019

    A part of me has always known this but hearing someone else point it out! Awesome. So Thank You.

  4. Leo on December 15, 2019

    I like this article however regarding the talking to women at classes and activities isn’t that a big risky, especially if you live i a small town. For example if I were to hit on a girl at my yoga class and it didn’t go well then it’s going to be very awkward for me to continue going and living in a smallish town my options for other suitable yoga classes are different. Shouldn’t we be keeping things like this separate from trying to attract women?

  5. Jeremy on December 16, 2019

    Hi Nick,

    I just wanted to say thank you for offering all this incredible advice in your articles. I stumbled on your site through a google search one day last month when I was feeling really low about my self-worth and feeling like I
    would never have the confidence or attractiveness to get the kind of woman I want in my life.

    After reading dozens of your articles over the last month, I found myself in a situation last week where I saw a cute woman one table over at the coffee shop, and instead of just getting into my own head and psyching myself out of talking to her like I’ve done for my entire life, I just went over and introduced myself, we talked for about 25 minutes, and we made plans to get a drink this weekend!

    It felt so powerful and invigorating to put myself out there like that and see that it’s something I’m capable of doing – and doing successfully! — and I have you to thank for it. You really are out here helping people improve their lives, so thank you again for doing what you do and remaining so healthy and positive about it!

  6. Drew on February 17, 2020

    “it’s statistically improbable there aren’t attractive women in a 30-minute driving radius from you.”

    Bullshit and easy for someone who lives in fucking BOSTON to say. Have any of you ever been to the Buffalo, New York area where I live? It’s a cesspool. An extension of Appalachia. It’s a cultural wasteland filled with disgusting fat girls and ugly girls.

    “date a woman who they find attractive enough”
    So, instead of going after the high quality, attractive women we desire, we should LOWER our standards? I have a Bachelor’s degree in Finance and Economics and an MBA in Marketing Strategy. Does this statement mean that I should date women who only finished high school or only went to community college, just because I find them “attractive enough?”


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