Physical Attraction is Not Shallow
Why is there so much judgement towards the physical preferences of others?
We’re all guilty of it one time or another. Think about these scenarios…
- A girl who has specific height requirements for suitors in her online dating profiles
- A guy you like who always chooses blonde girls with big breasts instead
- A girl who dates a perfect guy and breaks up with him because of his small penis size
- A guy who only flirts with fit, athletic girls
What do you think of these people? How do their actions make you feel?
Are you angry that they could be so shallow? Do you feel disgusted with how superficial they are? Do they make you want to throw your hands up and say, “That’s why I think dating is such bullshit”?
Why do you feel so threatened by other people’s desires?
Someone being attracted to something you’re not makes you feel inferior. You take it as a personal attack. Your brain tells you, “That means I’m not good enough.”
Your harsh judgements stem from your own insecurity.
Of course, you wouldn’t admit that. You’re judgmental and attack others for their “poor” choices. You shame people about their desires. And you become resentful towards all the things you’re not.
You protect yourself from acknowledging you don’t fit someone’s idea of attractive. You don’t want to think about how you’re not doing enough to make yourself more attractive to more people.
Instead, it’s easier to just tear others down.
This is classic “crab mentality”. Which as Wikipedia says, can be summed up in “If I can’t have it, neither can you.”
But maybe you still think you’re right…maybe other people are shallow.
What if I told you, you were a hypocrite?
Whenever I challenge people who shame physical attraction, they always reveal they’re no better than the people they judge.
Take being a short guy, for example. A lot of shorter guys get angry at women who like tall men. This is something I personally struggled with as well.
They’ve heard the old saying, “I want a man who’s tall, dark, and handsome.” They read women’s online dating profiles that talk about their height preferences. They get frustrated when some girls don’t respond to their OKCupid messages.
Then they come to me with…
“These women are shallow bitches. They won’t even give me a chance. If they stopped obsessing over height, they’d see how great of a guy I am.”
Then I flip the script on these guys. “Let me ask you…do you message or talk to girls you’re physically unattracted to? What if a woman was severely overweight? What if she had messed-up teeth and stringy hair? Would you look past those things to give her a chance?”
The answer is almost always no. Then they start backtracking and trying to justify how their situation is different.
No, it’s not different. Because we’re all attracted to different things. We all prioritize certain values higher or lower on our list.
Much of this is built into our biology or upbringing. We don’t choose what we’re attracted to.
People might argue about the girl, “She was willing to overlook many great guys over something as stupid as height.”
Again, it’s trivial to you but it may not be to her. Maybe she wants tall children. Maybe she likes feeling small and protected by her big man. Or maybe she just wants someone who can reach the pasta box from the top of her fridge.
Whatever the reason, why should she settle for less than what she wants? Would you?
Why you shouldn’t listen to what everyone else thinks about your desires
I have an Indian client who always dated women his friends thought he should date. He believed he couldn’t see women outside of his ethnicity. He went out with girls he wasn’t physically attracted to.
If he didn’t feel attracted to a certain girl, his friends would say, “Don’t be so shallow, she’s a sweet Indian girl.”
His friends spoke from their own insecurities. They were brought up in a culture where you chose one person to be with. And that person was supposed to be of Indian descent. Other types of women were out of the question.
My client felt so guilty that he continued year-long relationships with women he wasn’t attracted to. He struggled to feel a physical connection. When he couldn’t fix things, he broke it off and blamed himself for the failed relationships.
This left the girls feeling devastated. He couldn’t date again for a long time afterwards because he thought it would always be like this.
Was it the right decision to listen to his friends? Or did it just end up hurting everyone involved?
Since we started working together, he’s now in the first relationship where he truly feels happy.
I recognized that he’s a healthy, successful, driven man who holds himself to high standards. And he has the same expectations in someone he wants to be with. I told him he shouldn’t settle for what everyone else wanted, but who he felt met his standards and he found attractive.
You can hear your friends’ advice, but be skeptical. In the end, only you will know what makes you truly happy.
How I turned my insecurity into strength and how you should, too
I used to obsess about how short I was and how all women wanted tall guys. This was especially tough for me since I liked taller women.
And you know what? I let that belief prevent me from meeting a lot of women. I made it a reality.
When I finally stopped complaining about what those women didn’t like and started focusing on finding women who did like me, the problem resolved itself. I dated many tall girls who found me attractive.
Acceptance is how you find your own fulfillment.
I had to to accept that attraction is subjective and not always a choice. Therefore someone’s physical preferences are not shallow.
I had to accept that because attraction is subjective, nothing is absolute. Yeah, some women won’t be attracted to me as a short man, but plenty will be. Every attractive woman in the world doesn’t only want tall men.
And most importantly, I had to accept that someone choosing someone else doesn’t make me less of a person. It’s a reflection of their preferences, not my self-worth.
My job isn’t to convince those uninterested people to want me. Or to make them see how wrong they are. Or to wallow in self-pity and play the victim.
My job is to find people I’m physically attracted to and who are physically attracted to me. And to be glad other people are doing the same, because we’re all better off for it.