Create Sexual Tension with Confident Restraint
Effective flirting is an art form. Sometimes it can feel impossible to master.
If you’re too shy and worried you’re going to upset someone, you hold back. If you’re over-eager and think you’re going to bulldoze your way into getting a girl to like you, you scare her off.
The secret to finding the perfect balance is what I call confident restraint.
That means you shouldn’t hesitate to flirt with a woman you’re interested in. But you should also try to be conscious of her comfort.
You want to try and read her signals as best as possible. You should always respect her boundaries when she expresses them. This also means while you should lead things forward, you shouldn’t just relentlessly make sexual remarks and grope her out of nowhere.
You can come on too strong. That’s where the power of restraint comes in.
Sometimes, the best way to ramp things up, is to slow things down. Dial back the intensity and flirt with a little more subtlety.
This opens up room for one of the most essential parts to creating strong intimate connections — sexual tension. And sexual tension is where the real magic happens.
What is sexual tension anyway?
Sexual tension is when one or both people feel sexual desire but don’t act on it in the moment…if ever.
There’s tension in the air because you’re both kind of aroused. You know what’s really going on. And it feels like there’s a secret hot little game that only the two of you know about.
So how do you create that desire in the first place?
Showing your romantic interest in a girl takes guts. And it’s that confidence that turns a girl on even more.
Flirting sparks sexual interest and builds tension. And there’s a specific type of flirting that I believe does this best: non-verbal flirting.
Showing subtle interest through eye contact, vocal tonality, or touch can create an environment of palpable sexual tension.
So before you become obsessed with having to be a super smooth player with the wittiest banter – remember, the most primal way of flirting is without words! Do you think hunter-gatherers worried about saying the right pickup line?
And most importantly, mixing things up keeps your connections exciting.
One moment, you might compliment her flirtatiously. Next, you’re back having a great conversation for a while. A few minutes later, you give her a bold yet almost imperceptible look that says, “I want you.”
You can get a woman ridiculously turned on without saying anything at all.
Why is sexual tension so important?
When you flirt more casually and slow things down, you…
- Build anticipation. Humans love mystery and suspense. When we have to wait or work for something, we want it that much more. As you keep stoking the fire with subtle flirting, the mood will feel more and more intimate. Her imagination will keep wandering about just how hot things will get.
- Show you’re not just desperate and rushing to get laid. She can see that you’re confident in expressing your interest and are attracted to her. But at the same time, you’re not so horny and focused on sex that you’re throwing yourself at her. You’re showing awareness about the situation and having fun flirting…while also getting to know each other at a comfortable pace.
- Don’t let things feel overwhelming or cheap. Like I said earlier, it is possible to flirt too hard. When a guy aggressively escalates things sexually, it can feel intense. Women can feel like they’re not ready yet and that it’s all moving too fast. It can make women feel ashamed that they’re getting so sexual so soon.
How to create that sweet sweet tension
1. Position yourself closer to her. We naturally stand close to people we feel connected to. We get shoulder to shoulder with our buddies at a bar or sit next to family on a couch.
It also works in reverse, though. We start to feel connected to those who we allow into our physical space. The influence of proxemics has been studied extensively. When we are within four feet of someone, we automatically spark a more personal connection.
The key is that you want to get close to a girl in a non-threatening manner.
If you’ve just met and you’re standing a foot away facing her head-on, that feels intimidating. But position yourself diagonal to her and you can get just as close without it feeling overwhelming.
Take a step to the side of a girl within the first minutes of introducing yourself. You can be almost shoulder to shoulder and face each other at an angle. Get a table with booth seating or chairs that you can pull to her side rather than across from her.
Walk right beside a girl and when you sit down together (at a park, on the couch at your house), sit right next to her. Don’t leave an awkward six foot gap.
Finally, being physically close has many other benefits. In loud environments, it’s easier to hear each other without awkwardly leaning in. People are more likely to open up when they feel they have a private bubble with you. And most of all, you can start touching each other in natural ways rather than trying to clumsily reach across a table.
2. Maintain physical contact a little longer. When you and a woman are getting to know each other, you’ll often casually touch. That may be a quick hand on the arm to emphasize something or on the shoulder while laughing at a joke. But that’s how we also touch our friends. Poking a girl or patting her on the arm isn’t going to get her aroused.
So as you build a connection, your touching should follow along.
Halfway into a date, you’re fascinated by a story she’s sharing. So you rest your hand on hers for a few extra seconds while listening.
Maybe you’re sitting and your legs keep grazing against each other. At some point, let your leg rest against hers for 5-10 seconds while chatting.
When you say goodbye or see her again for a second time, you might hug her for a tiny bit longer.
Just a few extra seconds can signal your strong romantic intent. She can experience how good it feels to be close to you and desire more of it.
3. Lower the volume of your voice and slow it down. The tone, speed, and inflection of our voice subconsciously communicates a tremendous amount of information. And a single word or sentence can have very different meanings with slight adjustments.
You can apply this principle to create a mood of sensuality and sexuality.
Let’s say you’re with a girl in a more intimate environment, like a dark restaurant, on a walk, or at one of your houses.
Try lowering your speaking volume, even to an almost whisper as you sit or stand closer together. Speak a little slower, too. Doing this coincidentally makes your voice have some roughness or graveliness…which women find irresistible.
She’ll get the vibe you’re feeling more close to her and you want to keep getting more personal. It’ll encourage her to start communicating that way to you and pump up the mutual attraction.
4. Smile at her and hold your gaze. You’ve been chatting with a woman for a while. While she’s talking, smile at her and look deep into her eyes. Try to notice the color of her iris. Maintain eye contact for a few seconds longer than you normally would.
She’s going to start to be curious about what’s got you so captivated and if you’re starting to feel attracted to her. Again, it gets her mind racing about what’s to come.
5. Check out her lips. We often do this subconsciously when we’re attracted to someone or want to kiss them. But some men struggle with a lot of anxiety or shame around showing interest. So they actively avoid checking out those women so they don’t come off as creepy.
But doing this can really show a lot of confidence and have women eagerly waiting for your next move. It drives a lot of women wild.
As things get more personal and flirtatious in conversation, slowly move your gaze down from eyes to her lips for a couple seconds and back up again. It’s a small but bold way to signal you want to kiss her.
6. Take your time for the kiss. The first kiss is that powerful moment when you both act upon your desires. It’s the climax to a great film you created together.
Women want that first time to be special and memorable. Giving her that final dramatic build-up beforehand makes the payoff so much better. A lot of guys are so nervous they go from looking at a girl to kissing her in one second — killing all of that precious tension.
Instead, stop whatever you’re doing. Finish your sentence, pause, and look deep into her eyes. Slowly step towards her or bring her closer by the hand or with your arm around her back. Hold that for a second and then bring yourselves even closer together.
If she’s ready to kiss, that final moment before you embrace is fucking hot. She feels you confidently moving things forward and starts to get aroused imagining what it’s about to be like.
Then kiss her. Don’t just give her a peck, enjoy a solid kiss for a couple of seconds. Gently pull away and return to whatever you were doing or talking about.
7. Pull away from a kiss sometimes. Let’s say you’ve been with a girl for a few hours. Things are heating up and next thing you know, you’re kissing. That kissing turns into full-on making out. You’re excited. This is what you’ve been waiting for and you don’t want it to stop.
But then, things suddenly cool down. When you try to push forward, she hesitates and pulls back. Maybe she even tells you she wants to stop.
You’re left completely clueless about what just happened.
And here’s why: that lead-up to the kiss was filled with sexual tension. By continuing to kiss without a break, you lost the intrigue and mystery.
Instead, you’re MUCH better off kissing for a little while and then pulling away. When you’re the first one to break it off, you show her that you’re not just trying to get laid. A break also gives her time to reflect on how amazing that felt and how excited she is to do it again.
And each time you return to kissing, you can get more and more passionate. Soon enough, things often lead themselves into the bedroom.
8. Don’t rush through foreplay. So you’ve now kissed and are back at one of your places. You know she’s feeling it and it’s on.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys take that for granted. You’re a man, you’re aroused, and you’re good to go. So you figure she’s feeling the same way and you want to get down to business.
You start making out and try to pull off her clothes. She pushes you away and tells you she’s not ready.
And even though you were right that she was into you and ready to hook up, you were wrong to think that sex was immediately guaranteed.
Especially when it’s the first time, having sex stirs up a lot of emotions. Women can feel self-conscious about their bodies, worry about being judged, and even be concerned about their safety with a stranger.
Time and foreplay helps ease women into intimacy. And when I say foreplay, I don’t just mean digital or oral sex. I’m talking about everything that comes before that.
Sit close to her so she can feel your body against hers. Stroke her arm or run your fingers through her hair. Kiss her lips, pull back, then kiss down her neck a little, and pull back again. Gently run your hands over her clothes and tease her with your fingertips.
I could go on…but it’s easier for you to check out my guide to having sex with a woman for the first time.
The point is that most women want at least 10-15 minutes of build-up before having sex. So take your time!
With each touch, each kiss, each undressing — you rev up that tension. You give her time to get comfortable which allows her to get even more aroused. It’ll often get to the point where she can’t take it anymore and she has to have you. Sometimes, women just say “fuck it” and start tearing your clothes off themselves.
Of course, some women will still get cold feet and change their minds. That’s normal. But if you’re consistently encountering women who pump the brakes in the bedroom, you might want to take a more restrained, yet confident approach.
Sometimes finesse is key. You wouldn’t use a sledgehammer to hang up a picture frame, would you?