3 Big Mindsets to Winning the Long Game in Dating
There was a time when I loved digesting every little thing about dating. It was all so addictive.
When you first discover you CAN actively get better with women and grow your confidence, it feels like uncovering ancient texts to find the holy grail.
You become obsessed thinking that if you just find the right text, the right question, or the right way to ask a girl out — you, too, can become a Casanova. You’re convinced that all you need is a few small tweaks, tips, and tricks, and women will fall at your feet.
Here’s the problem: this mindset is actually destroying your results. Because women are human. They are complex, nuanced creatures like everyone else. And making real connections and developing lasting confidence requires depth.
When you’re focused on instant gratification, you’re screwing yourself for the long-term.
This is why I spend SO much time trying to convince men…
The minutiae doesn’t matter.
A woman didn’t decline giving you her number because your introductory sentence wasn’t exciting enough. You didn’t lose contact with a girl after a date because of a boring text. You don’t need to know the exact timing of when to make a move on a date.
Instead, you need to shift your mindset.
Let go of the short-sighted, quick-fix, do-anything-for-women mentality. Start thinking about your long-term, big picture, epic journey to personal growth.
Here are the 3 big mindset shifts to become your most attractive self.
Stop trading short term gratification for long term happiness
We’ve all become accustomed to instant gratification.
So it’s only natural that you might seek out those same dopamine hits with women. You want to regularly feel that women like you and desire you. You feel happy when they do.
You sit around at home eagerly waiting for texts. When you do go out to social events, you are solely focused on meeting women. You prioritize getting laid over friendships, hobbies, personal health, career advancement, and building a broader lifestyle.
Eventually you will experience what countless men tell me: dating women suddenly doesn’t make you fulfilled.
That’s because happiness doesn’t come from one source. It comes from leading a life filled with a variety of meaningful experiences and connections.
If you neglect the long-term vision of what your life could be, you will be left with only fleeting moments of feeling content.
Short-Term Mindset: You’re focused on getting the number during first impressions. You’re driven by that feeling of “success”. So you get stuck in your head and feel overcome with anxiety, and get worse results because of it.
Long-Term Mindset: You’re focused on creating a strong connection in the moment. You remind yourself to remain present and relate authentically to the other person. You trust that if you have a great time together, a number will come from it. You learn to relax and enjoy the overall experiences you share with new people, rather than stress about what they can offer you.
Short-Term Mindset: You spend all of your spare time trying to meet women. You neglect existing personal relationships and then lose touch with friends. You don’t have anyone to go out with so you spend all your after work hours swiping on a little screen. You become completely dependent on dating for your happiness, which scares women off when they realize you’ve got nothing else going on.
Long-Term Mindset: You balance building a lifestyle you love with your dating life. You’ve got a thriving social circle that supports and fulfills you. You’re not desperate for a random woman to fill an empty void. You come across as a strong, independent man to women, and in turn, they respect and want you more.
Short-Term Mindset: You’re happy just getting the attention of a pretty woman on a date. Even though you want her romantically, you don’t flirt because you’re afraid of losing the opportunity. So you play it safe and just act “polite”, not prioritizing the dynamic you really want. You don’t spark the attraction to get her aroused. Then women repeatedly tell you they don’t feel that chemistry or see you as just a friend.
Long-Term Mindset: You flirt to see if you get the intimate connections you desire. You commit to showing a woman how you feel about her. You tell yourself, “When I notice something I like, I’m going to tell her I find that attractive.” You promise to indulge your curiosity about her sexuality by asking more intimate questions on a date. You waste less time on women who aren’t interested and better attract those who are.
Forget quick fixes, working towards sustainable growth
Taking shortcuts in dating seems harmless on the surface. So what if you memorize a few lines to use on a date? What’s the big deal if you don’t text a woman for a couple of days to make her chase you?
Well, little by little it starts to create bigger consequences.
First, you get stuck in a performance loop where you feel like you always have to be “on”. You constantly feel like you need the next trick just to be good enough to get a woman. You never focus on developing your own skills, wit, assertiveness, and overall personality.
Then you attract the wrong people and wrong kind of attention. You get women who respond to shallow tactics and play games with you in return. You never find someone who appreciates you for you, but rather the mask that you wear.
So you make weak connections with incompatible people that inevitably fizzle out. And you’re still at square one of your personal development.
Quick Fix Mindset: You use stock online messages you find on blogs or YouTube. You get some responses but then struggle to keep the act up. You get occasional dates, but often with incompatible women since you’re busy performing as someone else. Then on those dates, you’re in your head constantly thinking about what’s next — diminishing any natural charisma you have.
Growth Mindset: You read a woman’s profile and genuinely relate to her. You practice free-writing ideas or try improv games. You want to express yourself better to create real connections with new women. You try to further develop your wit by journaling, taking theater classes, or joining Toastmasters. You start to develop your emotional intelligence around women, learn to read social dynamics, and become a great conversationalist.
Quick Fix Mindset: You purposely don’t text girls back for days or respond slowly to appear busy. In reality, you’re sitting around doing nothing. You’re afraid of appearing needy so you pretend to be leading an interesting lifestyle — which is actually being needy. Women eventually realize the truth and your dishonesty makes you appear more desperate.
Growth Mindset: You invest your free time in friendships, hitting the gym, and doing the things you love. If you’re available with phone in hand, you respond to women. If you’re not, you get back to them when you can. You build a mindset of real abundance and not putting women on a pedestal, valuing your time. This makes your life and attitude deeply attractive to women.
Quick Fix Mindset: You use money as a way to initially attract women. You buy them expensive dinners or gifts. You gain their attention temporarily but deep down, they know you’re compensating. When the well-spring runs dry, they leave or they stick around using you as an ATM, and don’t see you as the man they truly desire.
Growth Mindset: You focus on building your personality to become more attractive – without having to buy anyone’s affection. You develop your humor, self-expression, and leadership skills. You learn to create intimate connections without needing to offer something outside of yourself. Women see you as a high-value man for your inner qualities which cultivates genuine connection. Women respect you and appreciate when you do spend on them. It’s seen as a nice gesture, not an expectation.
Don’t put immediate approval from women over sustainable love from yourself
We all want to be admired by others. But the person who needs to like you, first and foremost, is YOU.
That is the essence of self-confidence.
When you micromanage your behaviors to gain validation from women, you never build lasting self-esteem. You get stuck in a cycle chasing women’s approval and losing sight of yourself in the process.
You give up your values. You accept mistreatment. You act dishonest and manipulative. And you turn yourself into a chameleon.
Ironically, this is how you struggle to attract or keep women!
Genuine confidence is the sexiest thing to women. She wants to feel like the man she’s with loves himself and acts in integrity. Someone she has to prove she’s worthy of, too.
Women don’t desire men who put them on a pedestal.
Approval-Seeking Mindset: You avoid certain topics you love or opinions you hold because you think women won’t like them. You go on dates where you stress about hiding parts of yourself. You don’t get fired up or easily talk about things you love. In turn, you don’t enjoy the conversations and are more reserved and dispassionate. You end up cutting off all the interesting sides of your personality — appearing boring or not memorable to women. You feel even worse about yourself.
Self-Love Mindset: You actively bring up personal subjects to filter out incompatible partners. You’re able to play to your strengths by easily speaking about what you know or care about. You come off as knowledgeable, expressive, and more charismatic. Women see you as a man who knows and loves himself. Even if you have some different interests, she still sees your confidence, and therefore views you as an attractive prospect. You continue to realize how awesome you are.
Approval-Seeking Mindset: You stay with women who don’t respect you or invest in you, often because of the promise of sex. You feel this is easier than pursuing more meaningful connections. By doing this, you constantly tell your subconscious that you’re not worth more than this kind of relationship. You are trapped feeling like settling is better than being alone, never getting the woman you really want.
Self-Love Mindset: You commit to discovering the qualities you need in a partner and work to find someone who appreciates you. You reflect on your past experiences to learn what’s important to you and what were dealbreakers. You walk away from the wrong people to find the right ones — even if means giving up beauty, attention, or sex. You build self-esteem because you recognize your worth and fight for it.
When you’re playing to avoid losing, you never really win.