6 Dating Truths Women Need to Hear But Don’t Want to
Last week I wanted to give some hard-hitting advice. So I wrote a post on harsh dating truths that men need to hear.
But, it would be unfair to only focus on men when there are many women who could use the same reality check, too. So here’s my follow up for all you ladies who need that advice you won’t get anywhere else.
Withholding sex does not ensure a man will commit. It also does not make you more of a “catch”.
What most women don’t know is it usually has the opposite effect than they desire. They think guys who are just in it for sex will walk away. But from my experience, that doesn’t happen.
Many terrible guys are willing to deal with LOTS of frustration to get laid. They will wait around for weeks or months until a woman sleeps with them. As time goes by, they get more irritated and instead of it being an exciting shared moment, it becomes a game of win-or-lose.
I’ve talked to guys who told me, “I don’t care about what happens between us at this point. I’ve invested so much and just want to fuck her.”
The good guys who genuinely care aren’t going to run once they have sex with you. I’ve never thought, “Yes that girl finally slept with me – I got what I came for. See ya!” Nor have I judged a girl for deciding to get intimate with me. I saw it as a sign of a strong connection and trust, and it was just the next step in our relationship.
Sex should never be used as a tool to get a man to commit to you. You’re cheapening sex and turning into a commodity when it should be a mutually beautiful experience.
I’m not telling you to rush things either. What I’m saying is…
Have sex when you are ready. Not when you think the guy wants to. Not when you think it’ll convince him to stay with you. Not when your friends tell you to. And not when you believe society or religion says is right. Whether that’s for casual sex or something more serious.
That could be a first date, fifth date, or longer. No sooner or later.
Any guy who runs the second you have sex with him wasn’t worth it anyway.
Creating or seeking drama pushes quality men away. I get it. The emotional rollercoaster of drama can be addictive.
Maybe you like seeing a guy get fired up over you. Maybe you’re feeling insecure, defensive, and need to take it out on other people. Maybe you’re worried he’s going to abandon you so you sabotage things first. Or maybe you just like the bad boy who flips out and shows his “uncontrollable passion.”
Whatever it is, don’t indulge in it. You may think it feels good in the moment but it’s doing serious damage in the long run.
Any man who thinks highly of himself and respects his partner does not want meaningless drama. In fact, they find it excruciatingly painful. I’m never excited to fight or get upset with my girlfriend. I’d much rather be spending that time happy together.
Drama attracts and keeps men who relish in those feelings. You may find that endearing now but when he’s abusive, controlling, and manipulative – the fantasy wears off. All you’re stuck with is a shitty person who’s not right for you.
In reality, what you’re probably attracted to are the qualities behind the drama and the men involved. Qualities like passion, assertiveness, leadership and a strong sexual energy. There are plenty of kind men who embody those values without being an asshole.
Your partner is not turned off by your looks, he’s turned off by your perception of your looks.
Do you know how many men have told me “I hate how my girlfriend looks”? None. But plenty tell me how they can’t stand it when their girlfriends beat themselves up about their physical appearance.
It pains them to hear the women they care about call themselves ugly, fat, and constantly complain about their body. That even when they tell their girlfriend how attractive they are, it never sinks in.
I’m not asking you to fake how you feel about your body. We all have insecurities and it’s not easy to turn them off. I’m asking you to consider how you’re affecting your partner. To be more conscious of the way you speak about yourself out loud — for him and you.
How can you expect him to show you love when you show disgust towards yourself?
Most of your male friends like you or want to sleep with you. Or I should say, would sleep with you if you gave them the opportunity. It’s terrible but it’s true.
After a lifetime of talking to men about their views towards their “girl friends”, I can say it with confidence.
Why is this important? Well it’s because this is the source of a lot of tension, resentment, and anger in men towards women. They invest a ton in a “girl friend”, don’t show their intentions, and things never progress romantically. They get frustrated and can sometimes take it out on you.
Now this isn’t your fault…unless you’re intentionally leading him on. You shouldn’t use his interest in you to validate yourself or get favors/things from him. That’s not being a nice friend. But if you are being a good friend, you do not owe him anything for spending time with you.
You want to avoid any problems and misconstrued expectations early on and keep that consistent. That means you:
– Don’t flirt with him. No sexy text messages. No drunk kisses. No telling him, “you wish you had a guy just like him”.
– Don’t give him false hope if he does profess his interest. You have to be clear and say, “I’m sorry but I only see you as a friend.” Not, “I just don’t want to date anyone right now.” Or “Not now, but who knows in the future?” If you actually change your mind in the future, you can show your interest then.
It’s better for a guy to know upfront and be a real friend than to wait and hurt him more later. I know you’re afraid of him leaving. But if you show him you’re not interested and he walks away, then he never wanted to be your friend.
It’s normal for your man to watch porn – within reason. You shouldn’t see that as a threat or feel jealous.
It doesn’t mean he loves you less or wants to cheat on you. It doesn’t mean he’s unsatisfied. And he’s not thinking, “she’s so much hotter than my girlfriend” during it.
It’s just an outlet. We’re human and we need variety.
Men are visually stimulated while women often leave things to the imagination. His porn is your sexy romance stories. Think of it as a different medium.
The only time porn becomes a problem is when it negatively affects your relationship. For example, he masturbates so much it impacts his ability to perform in bed. Or watches so much porn that he has less sex, or no sex at all with you – then that’s an issue.
You’re not there to fix him and he’s not there to fix you. You’re supposed to be in an equal partnership that promotes individual growth, together.
We all make our own choices in life. And no one can change until they’re ready to change, all on their own.
Relationships that require one or more of the parties to “fix” the other always ends in disappointment. It typically follows this progression:
– The “fixer” is eager to do anything to help the “fixee”. The fixee becomes dependent on the fixer to solve their problems.
– The fixee doesn’t put effort into improving themselves, for themselves. They can make temporary changes but will revert back. They feel insecure because of it. They feel worse about themselves and out of defensiveness may blame the fixer for their continued struggles.
– The fixer gets frustrated at the lack of progress because they care. They may feel the fixee isn’t as invested in their own improvement and find that to be selfish. The fixer feels hurt and unappreciated being the only one putting in effort while getting blamed for trying to help. This all builds resentment which they take out on the fixee.
– This cycle of insecurity, resentment, attacking, and lack of change persists. Either both parties stay miserable or someone eventually leaves.
The best partners don’t try to care for the other person like a helpless child. They listen well, share insight, and empower them to evolve.
I work with women, too! Contact me for a free consultation today.