How to Know When She Wants You to Make a Move

May 5th, 2014 by Nick Notas 17 Comments

Some people believe romantic opportunities are out of our control. That they are a combination of chance and being in the right place, at the right time. 

Now there’s some truth to that. Sometimes luck plays an important role.

But the men who consistently succeed in dating have an innate ability that sets them apart:

They recognize subtle hints to consistently create their own opportunities. 

I’ve said this before, but the vast majority of women are not going to make the first move – whether that’s introducing themselves, getting into flirtatious conversation, or moving towards intimacy. They’re not going to tell you, “Hey dummy, I’m ready to be kissed!”

Women aren’t usually doing this to be difficult. They are instead struggling with: 

  • Shyness and anxiety
  • Fear of rejection
  • Sexual shame (being seen as easy or too promiscuous)

I wish more women took the initiative, too. But that’s the way courtship has been for thousands of years so you might as well learn to decipher the hints you do get.

When women show their interest and they don’t get anything in return – they often feel rejected, frustrated, or stupid for putting themselves out there.

This was a recent e-mail from a female reader:

“I’ve been online dating for the past year and it has been rough. I don’t want to kiss and tell but the guys I did have more of a connection with that I wanted to get physical with, treated me like a delicate rose. Which is really sweet, but not really what makes my blood boil. 

These guys wouldn’t take cues or even me straight up telling them. Turned me off because they weren’t listening to me and what I needed.”

Brian Family Guy Air Traffic

Don’t be Brian.

Here are the three main ways women signal their interest and how you can make the most of it:

Proximity and eye contact

Women show that they want to talk to you through “approach invitations”.

  • She goes out of her way in a bar, club, or party to stand next to you. Especially if she lingers for an extended period of time or keeps glancing at you. Be direct and talk to her, “Hey, what’s up?”
  • She makes prolonged or repeated eye contact while smiling at you from across the room. Walk over to her, ask for her name, or simply introduce yourself. “Hi, what’s your name?” or “Hey, I’m Nick.” Be playful if you want, “You know it’s rude to just stare and not say hello.”
  • She dances her way over to you and continues dancing next to you. Initiate a dance with her.
  • She touches you in passing. She may run her hand across your shoulder or back while walking by. Go after her and say hello with a hand on her shoulder.
  • A random girl asks you a question or makes an off-hand comment. Start talking to her and exchange numbers before you leave.

Accepting and returning flirting

Flirt with her – verbally or physically. If she reciprocates or doesn’t deny your advances, continue being more flirtatious. And of course, when girl flirts with you, always flirt back.

  • She touches your arm when you talk to her or make her laugh. Return that physical contact and work your way toward mid/high level touches.
  • She gets close to your face, touches your face, or looks deep into your eyes for an extended period of time. This is usually a sign she’s ready to be kissed. So do it.
  • She plays with or runs her fingers through your hair. You can continue with an intimate caress on her thigh or pull her in for a kiss.
  • She allows you to touch her in more intimate spots without pulling away. These include hands, hair, legs, back, face, and waist. Definitely kiss her.

Investment and logistics 

The more time and energy a girl invests in you, the more likely she wants the connection to move forward.

  • Any “firsts”: She offers her number to you first. She reaches out to you first over text. She suggests hanging out with you first. Push towards meeting up ASAP.
  • You approach a random girl and she stays to talk to you for more than 30 seconds. Exchange numbers before you leave.
  • She says she would love to see a new place, venue, or show with you. Make concrete plans right then and there.
  • She talks to you for more than 5-15 minutes at a bar. Go get a drink with her or take a seat together.
  • She asks you about what you’re doing later. If in person, make plans to move with her somewhere else or invite her back to your place. If over text, invite her to do something together.
  • She tells you about her logistics for the night. Whenever a woman informs you of her free schedule or asks you about yours, she wants alone time with you. Make plans to meet up.
  • She hangs out with you in a more isolated environment at night on a date. This shows she’s comfortable with you because it’s risky to be alone with a new guy. Move close to her, get more physical, and go for a kiss.
  • She asks about your place or where you’re staying (hotel). Invite her back there.
  • She invites you back to her place or into her bed. Get more physical, go for a kiss, and see if she’s ready to move towards sex. Do not just cuddle with her all night.
  • She asks you to walk her to her car. She waits or delays leaving before saying goodbye. Go for the kiss.
  • She doesn’t give a clear no to ending the night. She battles whether or not she should stay. Playfully lead that you should still hang out – even for just another drink, to listen to some music, or watch something.
  • She answers or asks intimate questions. Or she talks about anything sexual. Continue with deeper and more sexual topics or kiss her.

Now here’s the kicker…

Recognize her hints if they appear but don’t live and die by them. Please don’t wait or obsess over getting the perfect opportunity. Always lead with what you want and see how a woman responds.

While these signs help, the only way to know for sure that she’s ready is to make a move.

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”  – Milton Berle

  1. Hollis on May 5, 2014

    When you list it all out like this it seems so obvious. Reading it I realized how many chances I might’ve missed out on.

    • Nick Notas on May 5, 2014

      Hindsight is 20/20. Don’t beat yourself up for past opportunities. Make the most of the ones you get in the future.

  2. Dude on May 5, 2014

    So, there is this girl i like, she doesnt show me any of this signs… that pretty much means she is not interested?

    • Nick Notas on May 5, 2014

      Not necessarily. Simplest way to find out, invite her to meet up. If she doesn’t make plans more than 2 or 3 times or never tells you when she’s free, then she’s probably not interested. I’d move on at that point.

    • Morris on May 7, 2014

      There are girls that shows these signs and yet they’re not interested, the best advice for you is for you to make your move. You need to do it to make a confirmation, don’t be afraid of rejection.

      • Nick Notas on May 13, 2014

        Agreed Morris, as stated in my conclusion. These signs provide natural ways to progress if you get them. But you shouldn’t need them to make a move.

  3. EZ on May 5, 2014

    Nick, thoughts on women who ask you to take a photo of her and friend(s)? I get this many times at the bar. Would you say this falls under “random girl asks question”? I generally don’t think much of it – I’ll make a couple playful statements, and then take the photo, and leave it at that.

    • Nick Notas on May 13, 2014

      I’ve seen it go both ways in that situation. A girl genuinely just wants you to take photos of her friends or she’s using it as an excuse to talk to you. Either way, I would take it as an opportunity to start talking to her.

      You can either playfully challenge her, “Only if you tell me your name first.” / “On one condition, come grab a drink with me after.” Or just take the picture, hand her the camera, and start talking to her. “So what’s your name?”

  4. Janine on May 5, 2014

    I would not like to be a guy. Every girl is so different and think different things and act in different way to try to give hints at those things. If I were a guy though, I would just try my luck. If I was feeling it with a girl, then chances are she is too so why not go in for a try?!

    • Nick Notas on May 13, 2014

      Definitely Janine and that’s a big part of my closing statement. You can read hints all you want but you should still always lead with your intention. If you get an obvious sign, use that as a natural avenue. Otherwise, take shots regardless.

  5. Bill on May 6, 2014

    Hehehe i love pick of Orange County, you’re missing alot for not watching it. I think eye contact plays a bigger role in making a move.

    • Nick Notas on May 13, 2014

      Haha Bill, I didn’t think people would see the hidden text that easily. Yup, if a girl is giving you prolonged eye contact or “seductive eyes” — it’s usually a good sign to move forward.

  6. Jason on May 6, 2014

    Nick, great article, thank you. You have a real knack for taking complicated human dynamics, and boiling them down into crystal clear explanations. Thank you. My love life (and my big guy) appreciate it!

    • Nick Notas on May 13, 2014

      You’re so welcome Jason. And I truly appreciate the wonderful comment.

  7. Mark on May 7, 2014

    Great post Nick! Here are two that are big ones for me.

    Invade her space: it is amazing how finely tuned we are to how close another person is to us. I choose a time when we are not interacting for a moment, but she isnt distracted by something else. One of my favorites is that moment after you tell the hostess you want a table, and your waiting to be walked to your table. There are usually about 3-4 seconds when there’s nothing going on. At this point I just shift my body about an inch or two closer to her. If she reajusts to move away it doesent mean she doesn’t like me necessarily just that she isn’t ready for physical contact. If on the other hand she stays in exactly the same spot then she just told you she feels comfortable with you being closer. As you said, no one thing is a definite no, but taken together a few hints are very important.

    Let her do you a favor: Something I often missed when I was less experienced is letting a girl do you a favor. There was a really cute girl who worked with me at my first job. I was a bag boy at the supermarket and we all had to go round up shopping carts in the parking lot for an hour each day. It was one of my least favorite parts of the job. One day she offered to take my cart round up shift. Since I considered it a shit job and I was a chrvalrous guy I refused to let her do it. Now the truth is that maybe she didn’t want to do me a favor. Maybe she wanted to get outdoors for some fresh air or to meet a friend. But it was a favor to me and I could have used it as an excuse to insist on letting me “make it up to her”. By taking her to dinner, for example. As the years have passed I learned to often girls like you more for what they can do for you than what you do for them. Of course you always need to reciprocate and return favors. But don’t be so self sufficient that you don’t need a little help now and then. Its a very non threatening way for a girl to show she is interested. And its also flirty and fun to insist on returning a favor that she has to do for you. For example, say to the cute girl at the coffee shop something like: I notice you always take extra care making my coffee, you have to let me take you out for lunch to repay your kindness. And give her a big smile.

    • Nick Notas on May 13, 2014

      Love those two points Mark. Allowing someone into our personal space can be a great indicator of comfort and attraction.

      Letting her do you a favor works because it gets her to invest in you. Whenever we invest energy/time into something, we place a higher value on it. And like you said, when she’s done something for you, she’s much more willing to then let you reciprocate.

  8. Kevin on May 15, 2014

    One tip I got from a good friend was pretty simple: “If you’re wondering if you could kiss her…you could have 5 minutes beforehand.” Been putting that into practice and it’s a pretty solid heuristic!