This is a guest post by Max Nachamkin, the CEO of Inner Gladiator and Creator of Initiation: The Official Dating Course for Good Guys.
When I first started learning how to talk to women, I messed up. A lot.
I said the wrong things and I made a fool of myself. I over-analyzed every situation and it drove me nuts.
“What’s the best way to get her number?”
“How do I get her to like me?”
“Am I coming off as a creepy?”
And while I was going through this stage in my life, something else was going on too:
I was learning.
I started putting myself out there.
I tried everything I could while I discovered how to flirt, enjoy the presence of women, and make them feel amazing.
During all of it, I came to a big realization about dating:
The habits that I learned from what my friends told me and from watching others were absolutely destroying my dating life.
The typical response to dating is: go meet girls, get a lot of numbers, and then hopefully convince her that you’re good enough to go on a date.
This type of thinking is detrimental to your success.
Luckily, I’ve discovered the 3 most toxic dating habits that most guys think are normal and the solutions to fix them.
1.Treating Phone Numbers As The “Holy Grail”
The biggest toxic habit that I see with my clients and other guys working on their dating skills is that they’re over-invested in getting the girl’s phone number.
They treat it as the “Holy Grail”. They think it actually means something if they get a girl’s number.
But here’s the thing: girls usually give out their number to anyone who asks.
I used to get numbers everywhere I went. At parties, at friend’s places, at the club, at the library, at the bookstore, and at coffee shops.
Which in the light of most guys, they see this as badass and look at me thinking that that means I’m good with women.
But guess how many of these numbers turned into dates?
You guessed it — a very, very, small portion of them.
I even remember getting a text back from a girl who gave me her number, and just after one text, she said “Max, you seem like a nice guy. But I’m not interested in talking to you – delete my number and have a nice life.”
Why did this happen? Because numbers don’t mean anything.
Girls give out their numbers all the time, mainly because most of them don’t want to start conflict in the middle of their day by saying no.
For them, it’s much easier to give you their number and then ignore a text from you later.
So it didn’t tell me that she was actually attracted to me or that she wanted to go on a date with me.
But when I started focusing on developing a deep, flirty connection with the girls I met and stopped worrying about getting her phone number, everything changed.
I started having a lot of fun with women. We’d laugh together, flirt with each other, and dream about getting married and having 4 kids together…you know, normal things.
And when I took my focus off “getting her phone number”, I started to treat it differently.
I started asking myself “was the connection we had telling me that we’d be great going on a date together? Is this someone I want to see again?”
And if it was, then exchanging phone numbers was the next obvious step. It was like she’d look at me saying “OK so obviously we have a vibe going on, ask for my number.”
From then on out, the vast majority of the numbers I got turned into dates.
So remember guys – it’s not about the number. It’s about the initial connection with her.
Focus on the deep connection with her first, and if it’s strong, then you’ll have no other choice but to get her number so you can see her again.
2. Locking Down The Date Immediately So She Won’t Flake
Now, after you find a girl that you have a deep connection with and who’ve you decided you want to go on a date with, comes the next step: setting up the date.
The most toxic thing I see at this stage for guys is that they schedule the date right away like an interview. This kills any attraction that you initially built.
“Hey, let’s go for drinks at 7:30pm at the Bitter Bar”
Texting this to set up a date is like asking girls to put you in their schedule as if it was a business meeting.
It’s like saying to her “Show up here. At this time. We’ll have a drink. And talk about boring questions that you’ll hate.”
Instead, schedule the date like you would with a friend – “slow drip” it.
And when you “slow drip” the date details, you will NEVER get flaked on.
Here’s an example of how this plays out through texting:
Me: “Hey it’s Maximus” (this is from the night before when we exchanged phone numbers)
The girl then sends me a picture of us together from the night before (remember from toxic habit #1: we had an amazing connection, so continuing the conversation was the obvious next move)
Me: “Dayumn put those away, everyone’s gonna get way too jealous of how hot we are”
Her: “Haha ill lock them away. There is a video too, apparently my friend was adamant about capturing the moment.”
Me: “Haha I bet that’s entertaining. How’s your day been so far”
Her: “Not gonna lie, my morning was a little rough but overall a great day. How about yourself?”
Me: “Mm gotta love them hangovers. Been having an awesome day…went into the mountains and spending time with the friends”
Me: “What’s the rest of ur weekend lookin like”
Her: “That sounds awesome!! hope their loving it out here. I’m going to a haunted house with some friends tonight and then going to foco tomorrow to hang with my parents too”
Me: “Right on! well I’d love to take you out next week and get to know you better…you seem like a pretty cool chick” (being forward and not waiting to long to tell her that I want to date her romantically)
Her: “I’d really really like that, from what I know I think we’d have a great time”
Me:“Henry agrees too” (send a picture of my roommates dog)
Me:“I’m headin out with some friends, but enjoy the night…I’ll text u lata alligata”
Her: “Aw so cute!! Thank you, you too have a blast!!”
Then, during the week, I’d text her and we’d exchange funny jokes, flirt, everything according to the basic texting rules.
Each day in the middle of the conversation, I’d allude further to the date.
So that initial text was on Sunday, so on Monday I’d text her.
Me: “So I’m thinkin drinks on Wednesday..and boy do I have a surprise for you”
Her: “ooo I love surprises.”
We’d chat, have another conversation, and then the following day on Tuesday:
Me: “what time do you get off work tomorrow?”
She’d tell me around 5, but that she needs to go home to get ready.
That’s cool with me 😉
After some more flirting with her, I’d end the conversation and pick it up the following day.
Me: “Get excited for tonight! Meet me at Bitter Bar at 7:30”
Notice how I don’t even mention the exact time or details until the same day.
And if a girl agrees to a date just hours before, there’s no way she’s going to flake.
This is one of the biggest mistakes I see with guys when they have a girl’s number but are having trouble turning it into the date.
So build the connection first in person, be persistent about moving things forward to a date, and slow-drip the information so that she agrees to the date on the day of.
Here’s a general outline, just for clarification.
First interaction (in person): Deep flirty connection
Second interaction (text): Be honest about your date intentions (see “planning your first date”)
Third interaction (text): Figure out what days work well for the both of you for the date
Fourth interaction (text): Figure out the general time you’ll meet
Fifth interaction (day of date text): All the specific details she needs to meet up with you
This process can happen over the course of just one day, or a couple weeks. What matters is that you stay patient, build the connection with her, be honest about your intentions to take her out, and slow-drip the details so that she agrees to the date time on the day of.
It works, every time.
3. Feeling The Need To Impress Her
After setting up the date and knowing that she’s not going to flake, a lot of guys get nervous. And they let this negatively affect their date.
“What’s gonna happen when she shows up?”
“Do I give her a hug or handshake?”
“What do I say?”
“What do I wear”
“Shit. Shit. Shit.”
The list goes on.
And I’m here to say that….
That’s perfectly normal.
But guess what else is normal?
The girl feeling JUST as nervous, if not more. She met this awesome guy (that’s you!), she had an amazing connection with you, and she agreed to go on a date with you.
Of course she’s going to be nervous.
It has to do with the magnetic theory of attraction, the core principle behind my dating course for good guys, Initiation.
And when you take that into consideration, you don’t have to worry about impressing her. Because she’s only thinking about impressing you.
You don’t need to dress super-duper fancy when you usually don’t.
You don’t need to fill in the gaps in conversation with things start dying down.
You don’t need to worry if she likes you or not.
She’s on a date with you! Of course she likes you!
Just lead the interaction and focus on the connection with her. The anxiety and nervousness will disappear within the first couple minutes.
If you do just that, you’ll continue to have amazing dates over and over again.
These 3 toxic habits, once corrected, will change the way you date dramatically. You’ll ask for less numbers, but you’ll get more dates. WAY more dates.
And you’ll enjoy them.
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