I grew up during the baby stages of the world wide web. I’m talking AOL 2.0 CDs, Lycos searches, and my Dragon Ball Z Geocities page.

The internet helped me communicate with people around the world in ways I never thought possible. It’s beaming my voice to you right now.

The internet is arguably the most impactful technological creation of my lifetime.

Over the years, though, I’ve watched our internet communication become more disrespectful, spiteful, and full of hate.

I believe it’s taking a toll on us as people. It affects our ability to empathize, makes us weary of others, and kills healthy social skills.

But why?

I don’t think we were meant to communicate this way. And if we don’t work to fix it, the consequences will be greater than we can imagine.

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Jason asking the hard questions. Pictures courtesy of Ann-Marie VanTassell Photography.

In February I ran my second confidence retreat with my friend Jason Connell in Austin, Texas.

Jason brought the much needed spiritual and philosophical elements to the experience. His presence from professional speaking gripped everyone and kept us grounded in the moment. He always asked the perfect questions to uncover core issues necessary for profound growth.

Now where do I start with the wonderful city of Austin?

The weather was like summer in winter. Culture oozes everywhere you look — whether that’s with the stunning murals all over the city or the live music at nearly every venue.

On the famous Rainey Street, a developer bought a row of bungalows and turned them into nightlife venues. Almost every place has outdoor space in the back with tables, games like mini golf, and a band or DJ.

Walking into these spaces with a dozen people felt epic. At one point, we jumped up on the main stage with the DJ at a venue and led the whole crowd. We took our energy and took over the venue.

It was amazing to see men who had struggled with self-confidence become free. They let go of worry, got passionate, and tapped into their core strength the whole night. They became leaders.

On top of all that, Austin was the friendliest major US city I’ve been to.

Usually when you get an educated hipster culture it comes with an air of pretentiousness. Not here. Somehow they’ve managed to retain the southern hospitality Texas is known for.

Walking into any store and having people genuinely want to converse with you was so damn refreshing. I actually felt sad knowing I’d have to make my way back to the standoffish Bostonian world.

I feel blessed to have had another successful retreat where men walked away with a newfound sense of self. They also shared some emotional and vulnerable moments together.

Here are 7 powerful lessons that made everyone cry at the retreat, including me.

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Pervert. Freak. Creep. Pig. Idiot. Asshole. Slut.

It’s so easy to judge someone and put a label on them.

We’ve always been taught there are two types of people: the good and the bad. The heroes and the villains.

But life isn’t a superhero movie. It’s full of complicated people with complicated biology making complicated choices due to complicated backstories.

I feel like so much conflict in the world right now is due to dismissing others based on singular facts. They claim to understand someone’s entire character based on one thing they learned about them. They then put that person in a box that’s near impossible to escape.

This is especially true for public figures. Even when they do something privately, they’re judged by unattainable standards.

The best way to keep our unfair judgments in check is to recognize our own hypocrisy. We don’t know someone else’s life story and we’re not perfect, either.

Because I guarantee whatever you’re judging people for, you or those you care about have done the same…or worse. 

Think this doesn’t apply to you? Let’s see.

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The first few months of a connection are exhilarating. Everything’s fresh and hormones are surging.

It’s a wild emotional ride with a sort of beautiful chaos and uncertainty.

But lately I’ve spoken to a lot of men who feel their new relationships are a little too chaotic.

Most of the time, their partners are incredible. They’re easy-going, caring, and present. They have wonderful dates together and great sex.

Then, out of the blue, that woman begins to act very differently. Almost uncharacteristically so.

She randomly becomes distant and reserved in-person. She’s hesitant about having an exclusive relationship when she hadn’t voiced any previous concerns. She has unexpected outbursts of aggression or annoyance over insignificant things. She might even say stuff like, “You should find someone better for you.”

Normally, this would seem like a girl who’s not that interested. But the strange part about the whole thing is that she still invests in the relationship. Despite some of her unsure behavior, she still shows up to dates and is excited about being intimate.

As you can imagine, this makes guys feel like they’re dating two people at once. They’re confused, frustrated, and hurt. And when they explain the situation to me, I assure them that this woman does like them… but there’s something deeper going on.

The whole situation usually reveals itself as a classic case of self-sabotage.

I’ve got advice for both men and women dealing with this, so read on.

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Today’s article is by Sarah Jones. She helps introverted men bring out their best to attract women.

Sarah is also a master at recognizing the best opportunities to approach someone. She introduced herself to me years ago and I knew she’d be an established name in no time. I’ve since watched her build deep connections with countless people I respect.

A few months ago, I told her in passing that I was going to Italy for vacation. Right before my trip, she reaches out unexpectedly and offers to take the stress off posting for me. It was the perfect mix of timing and delivering value — everything you want from an approach.

She suggested she would share her female perspective on when a guy should or shouldn’t cold approach a woman. She’s always been fair so I thought this would be a great, unbiased take on a concern I’m sure many of you have.

Welcome Sarah…

—

I could feel his eyes on me, and it made me nervous and excited.

We were at a coffee shop, and I had been feeling his attention on me. I liked the way he had about him.

He seemed honest and gentle. (It’s a whole look I find sexy.)

I was hoping he’d say something.

He turned to me and said a bit nervously, “Hey, I like your laptop cover.”

It was of a silver tree with Apple’s logo as a glowing apple falling from the tree. I thanked him, and we were off to the races.

This guy — he wasn’t Hollywood-perfect. He wasn’t Rico Suave.

He was simply sincere, pleasant, and endearing.

I liked him.

In today’s world, it might not feel so simple.

Consent is a hot topic, and awesomely so. PLEASE let’s have 100% respect for women and for men, too. For humans.

At the same time, in all the ruckus, many men are shying away from showing interest with women simply because they don’t want to be or come across as insensitive / sexist / etc.

Does that sound familiar?

The truth is there’s a fine line between approaching a woman in a way that is welcome versus a way that is not.

I’ll show you the difference.

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We idolize geniuses. Many even consider academic success and intellectual prowess as the hallmark of personal achievement.

So people bust their ass to get into top schools. They land high-end jobs. They self-educate on the internet.

Nothing is inherently wrong with that. I love learning everything I can about a new subject and being well-read.

I’m specifically talking about the people who become so obsessed with this, they base their self-worth on their knowledge. Then they start to look down or make fun of people they believe are intellectually inferior.

You see it all the time…

Snobs on social media calling other people stupid. People judging women who like to have fun as “airheads” and guys who have party nights out as “douchebag meatheads”.

And nowadays you have educated people, both conservative and liberal, calling anyone who disagrees with them idiots.

But I almost exclusively work with brilliant people. And let me tell you — their intelligence often holds them back.

In fact, especially when it comes to human connections, the “simple minded” people often excel. Because they understand that relationships are an emotional experience. You can’t always logically figure people out like a math problem. People aren’t going to fall in love with you just for your brain.

So I want to stick up for the “simple” people and maybe convince you that you could learn a lot from them.

Because sometimes being really smart is actually really stupid.

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I see genuine friendship as sacred. When your parents and older relatives are all gone, a great friend can be by your side for the rest of your life. They become part of your new family.

And it’s why I’m so frustrated by all the people I see being fake friends. It’s not always intentional but it has the same repercussions in the end.

This scenario happens every single month:

Someone comes to me for advice about a person they like. Maybe they met them on Tinder or at a party. Maybe they’ve known them for a while.

Eventually, they gain the courage to make a move. Sometimes, they get rejected. However, the other person tells them that they’d still like to be friends.

So they become…”friends”.

My client assures me that they value this friendship and aren’t looking for anything romantic. And that’s where the dishonesty starts.

Because at some point…

The person they like starts seeing someone else. Or they try flirting again with that person and they get rejected. Or my client ends up meeting someone themselves where there is mutual romantic interest.

And you know what often happens?

That friend they valued so much, becomes a nobody. Or they get angry at them for choosing other people. Then they forget about them.

Then they admit to themselves and to me that they really weren’t looking for a friendship at all.

Do you know how heartbreaking it is to find out someone you considered a friend was only there for the prospect of sex? That’s a surefire way to create trust issues and emotional baggage.

So for the sanctity of good friendships everywhere, I want to minimize this shit before it even happens. The best way I know how is by having you ask yourself honest questions to evaluate the validity of your friendship.

For ease of writing, let’s imagine this friend you’re thinking of is called “Jamie” — whether that’s a guy or a girl.

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I had way too much energy as a kid. I was easily distracted and could never sit still. My dad has a report card from my kindergarten teacher that says:

“Wonderful boy. But he never naps and wakes up all the other students to play.”

I found it damn near impossible to focus on anything. By the time I hit middle school, my grades suffered because I couldn’t pay attention long enough to get my work done.

I got diagnosed with ADHD and tried everything to fix it. I had my brother help me with work. I tried doing homework after school in the library. I took easier classes.

Doctors then prescribed Adderall for me. Unfortunately, my body didn’t like that and would become dehydrated, sending me to the emergency room. I needed something different.

One day I noticed something that a lot of people with similar struggles have…

If I enjoyed what I was doing or I was passionate about it — I could focus intensely. Technology always intrigued me so it was easy to concentrate on learning about computers. I cared about my friends so it was no problem to sit and listen to them talk for hours.

But when it came to stuff I was ambivalent about…I felt constant turmoil. The answer became obvious: have more fun.

The problem is that many things like schoolwork weren’t fun to me and I knew just having fun wasn’t a long-term solution. I had to find a way to be as engaged or productive in my responsibilities as I would in things I did for my own enjoyment.

What’s worked for me is figuring out how to make daily tasks less stressful, less time consuming, and actually finding ways to love the things we all hate. Then I also get to do more of what I love. That all has helped me stay productive even when it’s really hard.

Here are some examples from my own life:

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For years, people have asked me to write a Valentine’s Day post. I never have.

There are already a million list articles about Valentine’s Day gifts. Every unique date idea and DIY present has been covered.

I’ve felt uninspired to write about this specific day because its theme doesn’t always focus on the right values. It often equates your level of dedication and love to your partner to how much you’re willing to spend on material things.

While it’s sweet to spoil someone you care about, I wish this day served as a reminder for something much more meaningful.

I want your Valentine’s Day to be about giving your full attention, interest, and time to your loved ones. I guarantee that your presence is way more important to them than any present you could give.

And we could all use a little more practice being present.

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Meet Daryl Davis.

Daryl is a seasoned black American musician who’s played with some of the best. He also hangs out with KKK members.

For decades, he’s set out to change the minds of those who hate him most.

Instead of confronting them with hateful words, he sits down with them. Hears their story. Even laughs with them.

By being a good friend, Daryl shows Klan members just how wrong they are about the race they claim to despise. And he’s been responsible for over 200 members leaving the group and giving up their racist ways.

We should all try to be more like Daryl.

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