Some men seem to have natural, effortless charm with women.

And I bet if you ask them what they’re thinking about when they’re meeting new women or on a date, they’ll say something like…

“I’m just looking to have a good time.” or “I’m trying to have some fun.”

Their #1 priority is to enjoy themselves.

That mentality enables them to have fun experiences and coincidentally…see great results.

But it’s usually difficult for them to explain HOW they do that. They tell you, “don’t overthink it,” or “just be yourself”.

Those things aren’t easy to do! Having “fun” with a brand new romantic interest doesn’t come naturally to most of us. In fact, you may see the dating process as anything BUT fun. To you, it could be a grueling, anxiety-ridden experience filled with awkwardness and rejection.

So how do you change that? How do you learn to have more fun and therefore, see more romantic success?

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A few months ago, I watched someone I care about succumb to cancer.

He was my wife’s uncle. Even though he lived 1,000 miles away, we made the effort to visit him three times in under two months.

I knew it would cost a lot of money and time. But this was someone who’d welcomed me into his home for years. We’d told personal stories, shared great laughs, and spent holidays together. We made memories that’ll stay with me forever.

He was a man of true integrity and helped raise my wife to embody that value. I looked up to him.

So there was never any doubt in my mind that it was the right decision to show up for him. And to show up for my wife.

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Dave Perrotta is a Boston friend and dating coach who embodies the “just do it” mentality. Since he cold emailed me for an interview on his old podcast, I became inspired by his thirst for adventure.

After college, Dave did what most people only dream of. He started living around the world and joined communities of people doing the same thing. He’s hosted podcasts, coaches men, publishes awesome content on his site, and has written three books.

His last book, Conversation Casanova, focused on the mindsets of being a great conversationalist. He didn’t just give you examples to mimic. He provided the tools to express your most attractive self for honest, engaging conversations.

His new book, The Hook Up Handbook, aims to give you those same mindsets so you can become an amazing sexual partner in the bedroom.  

Welcome Dave…

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Sex is about more than just the physical act.

To have consistently great sex, you need to build healthy sexual mindsets. A good mindset ensures more fulfilling intimate experiences. A poor mindset can result in low sexual confidence and pursuing sex for all the wrong reasons.

It’s time you take your sexual mentality seriously – and today I’m sharing three simple yet powerful mindsets that will completely elevate your sex life.

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From left to right: Julian, Pete, Kristina, Me (Nick). Pictures courtesy of Sarah Katharina Photography

About two years ago, I had a vision sparked by my friends Julian and Kristina from LoveLifeSolved. I wanted to bring people from all over the world together to become more confident in themselves and create more fulfilling lives.

It sounded like a pipe dream. Yet this past September, I hosted my third retreat. This time it was in Lisbon, Portugal alongside Julian, Krissi, and Pete from Beard Strokings.

I have to say…

Lisbon is its own world.

Since many societies controlled Portugal, the architecture varies wildly. It turns a combination of colors, lines, and textures into something unique and stunning.

The nightlife is unlike almost any other I’ve experienced. The most popular spots are in the streets. From 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM people pour into bars in two main neighborhoods. They grab drinks and take them outside to mingle.

This creates a casual, calm atmosphere. I genuinely think fresh air and not being packed into little rooms changes people’s moods dramatically. Everyone is a lot more positive, warm, and inviting.

It didn’t feel like a cheap nightlife experience. The guys felt that way, too and were surprised at how much they enjoyed going out at night.

And since Portugal has decriminalized all drugs…that made for some truly unique encounters. It’s a bit of a culture shock to hear…”Cocaine…heroin…hashish — free try!” offered to you on the street over five times a day. I never felt threatened but it still amazed me every time.

That’s some of Portugal. Now let’s talk about what’s really important: the lessons you can take away from the retreat.

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You are whatever you think you are.

Whatever labels you use to define yourself, those are the limitations you face. That’s the only world you’re cultivating for yourself.

“I’m not the confident guy women desire.”

“I’m an introvert and can’t regularly be social with new people.”

“I’m not good enough or attractive enough to do X, Y, and Z.”

These labels control your reality.

They stop you from reaching your potential. They hold you back from creating the fulfilling lifestyle you dream of. They blind you from seeing how capable you really are.

Basically, they stop you from making real change.

I lived for 20 years chained by beliefs like those. I’ve now spent 10 years working with other people imprisoned by their own self-defined labels.

I’m tired of it.

Because EVERY SINGLE TIME these labels are challenged the right way, people start redefining themselves. And then, EVERY TIME these ridiculous labels dissolve. There are no exceptions.

It can’t be a coincidence. It’s statistically impossible.

You have the ability to change your labels and therefore change your reality, too. You just need to know how.

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To me…

Happiness starts with the daily choice of understanding and prioritizing your needs. It’s about figuring out and pursuing the connections and experiences you find fulfilling.

You won’t find happiness by trying to please everyone BEFORE taking care of yourself.

To some people, this might sound selfish. But there’s a second part to the equation:

Happiness is also allowing others to pursue their own happiness…regardless of how their pursuit may make you feel.

You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to support them. And when it seems like they’re being irrational or misguided…you still have to accept their choices. That even means letting them go when you still have feelings for them.

It can be challenging, but I promise it will make for a better life for everyone — yourself included.

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Being in sales has been a significant part of my life for almost twelve years. I’ve sold home loans, government technology, and now, I sell my coaching services to people who’ve usually never even met me in person.

I love that part of my job. To me, selling means connecting with new people, discovering if and how I can provide value, and building great relationships together.

To other people, “selling” often means something less honorable. It means using shady tactics to manipulate someone into buying something they don’t want — like a predator pursuing its prey.

A lot of men who struggle with dating feel like a sleazy car salesman when showing interest in women. They’re worried that a girl will think they’re a predator just for making a move.

And just like being labeled a “salesman”, no guy wants to be labeled as the creepy guy who’s desperate to get laid. 

But there has to be a middle ground because you have to position yourself as a viable sexual partner. People only buy what they deem as valuable. A good salesperson helps people see the value of what they have to offer because the consumer isn’t always going to recognize that by themselves.

And most of the time in courtship, a woman is the final decision-maker. She needs to feel a sexual connection with you before she’ll consider being intimate with you.

So what’s a guy to do?

You just have to learn a healthy sales process for conveying your sex appeal.

You have to become an ethical, honest salesman and show off the value of the outstanding product you have on offer — YOU.

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Relationships come with challenges that don’t exist when you’re single.

One challenge that’s particularly difficult is learning how to handle your partner spending alone time with their friends. And, in turn, learning how to handle spending time with just your friends, too.

Maybe one of you hangs out too much with others at the expense of your connection together. Maybe you or your partner spend a lot of alone time with someone of the opposite sex.

There could be some jealousy. There could be some stress about what could potentially happen. There could be some questioning of, why do they want to hang out with that person so much?

But these challenges don’t have to be problematic. They only become an issue when one of you feels like your needs aren’t being met or you struggle to trust your partner. So before you or your partner get caught in a tailspin of wondering about each other’s motives, you have to talk.

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It seems like everyone I talk to hates the dating process. They go through the motions because they have to, but not usually because they’re excited about it.

They feel it’s a huge source of pain and frustration. And any time we’re forced to do something unpleasant, we begin to loathe even the thought of it.

To start fixing this, there’s a level of personal responsibility to make the experience more fun for yourself. I often write about how…

You have to learn how to enjoy the process. You have to learn to speak, act, and express yourself in a way that is congruent and rewarding to you. If you’re always trying to figure out what other people want and how to impress them — you’re in for a bad, anxiety-ridden time.

But there’s another element that’s a real drag on everyone…

That comes down to how the other person treats you and also how you treat them. 

Because I see a whole lot of people treating each other poorly. Sometimes, they may not even realize the gravity of their actions. But the result is still the same:

People get hurt. Then they start to lose trust or resent connecting with others in the future. This then leads them to be protective, defensive, and inadvertently hurt others themselves…a.k.a. YOU.

We get into a cycle where we all lose basic courtesy and treat each other like shit, when dating is supposed to be a beautiful experience.

So I want share the ways I see men and women mistreat each other. Only when we’re aware of our actions and how they affect others can we create healthier dating for everyone.

Disclaimer: These are just the more common trends I see. There are plenty of times where the roles are reversed and break the mold.

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I’ve always been a private person. I’ve never been afraid to share my intimate details but I wanted it to be with people I trust. It also had to be in the right moments.

In my previous article, I reflected on the hard choices I’ve made in my 30 years.

And one of the hardest choices for me has been giving up my anonymity with this blog. I’ve had to accept that whatever I put out to the world will now be there forever.

But I know in my heart that the more I open up to you, the more connected you feel to me. People draw all sorts of inspiration and lessons from personal anecdotes and stories.

When I published the first part of this article, I was touched by everyone that commented and reached out to me. I had more emails with people sharing themselves than maybe ever before. It was incredible and allowed me to become closer to you, too.

That further inspired me to dig deep and share more of my world with all of you. I hope these stories continue to help you when faced with hard choices in your own life.

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