nicknotas

I’ve heard it time and time again…

“We’ve gone on a couple of dates but I still don’t feel any chemistry. We’re just missing that spark, you know?”

The spark. The spark. Oh that elusive spark.

You can’t put your finger on it…but you KNOW when it’s there and you definitely know when it’s not.

But…do you really know how to spot a spark?

I’ve noticed a problem guys encounter in dating: they think that a spark naturally just “happens”. And when it doesn’t happen, they think it wasn’t meant to be.

I hear guys recount stories about how they found a woman attractive but the overall vibe wasn’t there. And they feel like there was absolutely nothing they could do to change the situation — it was up to fate to make them feel something more.

I’m here to argue AGAINST fate. I’m telling you that a lot of the time, you can create the spark yourself — it’s just hiding underneath the surface. All it needs is a little kindling, a little TLC, and a small flame to get it going.

Don’t give up so easily on a connection that could just need a little more stoking to ignite. Make the most of your opportunities and learn how to build that chemistry for yourself. 

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Putting yourself out there in new social situations is hard.

It’s even harder when you’re putting yourself out there to find new romantic connections. You’re exposing yourself to potential judgement, rejection, and heartbreak.

So to protect yourself, it’s natural to tell yourself made-up stories. You think it’s not worth trying or nobody will be interested anyway. You insist that NOT going for it is the safest and most reasonable course of action.

And over time, it gets easier and easier to truly believe these lies…right down to your core.

At some point, you become convinced that it’s pointless to try and meet new women. You spend years, even decades, unconsciously making excuses and avoiding action at all costs.

That’s why I’m here to help you poke holes in your carefully constructed lies and excuses.

I’ve got a few hypothetical questions for you to ask yourself. I’m going to make you look at your situation from different, but still plausible, angles. That’s how you’ll recognize whether or not your excuses are rooted in truth or fear.

Right here, right now…be honest with yourself.

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Note: This article was originally written for Reconnected — a new connection coaching company founded by Julian Reisinger and me.

In September, Julian and I hosted our confidence retreat in Madrid, Spain with Kristina coaching alongside us.

Madrid has everything you’d expect about Spain. Warm weather, even warmer people, and legendary food. Even the non-Spanish cuisine was epic. We visited a Japanese restaurant that we all agreed was one of the top meals of our lives.

And yes, it’s true that just about everyone, man or woman, is ridiculously stylish and good-looking.

But for me, all that is not what makes Madrid special. It’s the fact that Madrid has one foot in the past and one foot reaching out into endless new futures.

When you’re in the main shopping areas, you see the most opulent architecture all around you.

I’m talking about fortresses the size of city blocks, intricate molding over every facade, and enormous statues looming over you. I can’t even imagine what some of these buildings would cost in today’s dollars. I mean, who has a seven-story Zara with marble staircases?!?

But then you walk five to ten minutes in any direction and you’re transported to another world. Every neighborhood is completely different from one another. The cuisine, culture, and demographics change from one street to the next.

You can go from business to bohemian, punk to hipster, down-home to luxury in no time.

All this means is that Madrid is a city where you can discover yourself and find your tribe. And for us that provided the perfect backdrop for men stepping into their own brand of confidence.

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“Here’s what I texted her…” he said as he handed me his phone, exasperated.

I was having coffee with a client. He was frustrated because he met a woman at a food hall the day before, messaged her later, and never heard back.

I looked at his phone. The screen read…

“It was great meeting you today. Have fun at your friend’s party and we’ll catch up soon.”

He flew into a fury of questions. “Nick, what did I say wrong? Was I too boring? Did I text too soon? Did I seem too eager and desperate?”

He wanted an answer.

He wanted me to tell him how to fix his texting so this would never happen again. And he hoped it was still possible to salvage the situation with this girl.

The truth is, the text he sent was generic. A lot of guys send similar messages that don’t stand stand out. He could have sent a more personal follow-up message that built rapport with her.

Still, despite that, I told him, “Your text was fine. I guarantee you it had ZERO to do with her not replying.” That’s the same answer I tell every guy in these situations.

Because if a woman you just met or had a first date with isn’t responding to your texts…

It’s not about the texts. It’s never about the texts.
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Today’s article on navigating breakups comes from my close friend Jason Connell. Jason is a psychotherapist and meditation teacher in training. He is also a world-class consultant in leadership and professional speaking. He’s always thoughtful and he’s the perfect person to tackle this sensitive subject.

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Earlier this year: I’ve failed. In my hand is a note that reads, “My intention is to be my best self. To be loving and gentle until the last moment.”

Like an asshole, I did the opposite. I came in guns blazing and left cold, angry, and closed. We both knew the relationship was over; there was no need for hostility.

I muster whatever energy I can and text her, “Hey. I kinda messed that up. I assume you’ll say no to this, but is there any chance I can come back over? There were so many things about you and us that really made an amazing difference in my life and I wanted to share those too before we fully said goodbye. Certainly do what’s best for you, but if it’s at all possible, I’d love to end on a better note, one that’s more reflective of what you were to me.”

To my delight, A* texted back saying she felt the same way. We spent an hour on her balcony, holding hands, drinking wine, watching the sun set over the Rockies, and reminiscing about the good parts.

We kissed, referenced a joke from the beginning, and said goodbye.

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Thirteen years. Thirteen LONG years I’ve been waiting for the next album by the rock band Tool. That day has finally come with their release of Fear Inoculum (Spotify or Apple Music).

Tool is infamous for poetic, profound, thought-provoking lyrics around life’s deepest subjects. As ridiculous as it sounds, I owe a lot of my personal transformation to them.

My brother introduced me to Tool when I was eight years old. Over the next decade, their lyrics made me curious about concepts such as challenging the status quo, forgiveness, humility, seeking external approval vs self-acceptance, spiritual growth, and seeing past our limits.

But what makes Tool really special to me is that their messages have been both timeless and perfectly timed to each stage of my development. Even now, their current work revolves a lot around developing more human connections — which, of course, is my passion!

I recently listened to the lead singer, Maynard James Keenan, on the Joe Rogan podcast. He expressed how we all need to reconnect with people and communities in the real world. He was concerned about how online networks leave us more disconnected and fearful of others.

Then Keenan shared a new idea for a reality show. He suggested that someone should get six people in a room together with strong opposing views. Then allow those people to eventually accept each other through shared values.

Wait a sec…that’s exactly what we’ve been doing at my retreats!

We get 6-8 people in a room from every background imaginable. And over four days, they become incredibly close. Because despite their differences, they all want to find self-acceptance and build meaningful romantic relationships.

So if you haven’t heard Tool before, let me inspire you to give them a listen. While I love all their work, I chose lyrics from five songs off my favorite album, Lateralus, to showcase their dating wisdom.  

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I met two young women from Silicon Valley while on vacation in the Caribbean. They told me every guy they date prioritizes work over them, even when they’re together.

One male friend told me he’s frustrated that women are non-committal, always looking for the next best thing. He said women talk to multiple guys at once and cut contact out of nowhere.

My wife’s co-worker said she meets a lot of guys, but they never have their shit together. Many of them struggle with alcohol, video game addiction, or are just immature.

A client told me that the woman he’s seeing withholds sex due to past emotional baggage. She unfairly compares him to other men and sabotages their relationship.

And everyone tells me they hate online dating…because of the other sex.

For years, I’ve listened to constant debates about who’s to blame for the dismal state of dating. This back and forth has to stop. It’s not productive to just complain.

We need to find an answer that makes things better.

I’ve worked in the dating space for 12 years. I know the hardships people face. I know the advantages and disadvantages of being on both sides.

So I feel like I’m in a great position to be an unbiased mediator. I want to lay out the truths I see in modern dating so we can settle the debate once and for all.

Who has it worse in dating? Men or women?  Continue Reading…

John has always had a good heart. Tommy has always been kind of a jerk.

But somehow, John and Tommy have been inseparable since they were little. Wherever John went, Tommy was right there behind him.

When John didn’t make the baseball team, Tommy said he just wasn’t cut out for sports. When John got an answer wrong on his spelling test, Tommy called him stupid.

In high school, John had a crush on Rebecca from science class. Tommy’s response was, “Yeah right man, she’s way out of your league.”

One summer, John and Tommy were in line at the movies. A cute girl looked at John and smiled, so he smiled back. Tommy saw this interaction go down. Instead of encouraging his friend to say hello, he said, “She was just being polite, she’s not actually into you or anything.”

As they’ve grown older, Tommy has only gotten harder on John. His criticism has turned vicious.

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Last September, I hosted one of my Conquer Confidence retreats in Dublin, Ireland with Julian and Kristina of LoveLifeSolved.

[Note: Meet the women you want at our next retreat in Madrid, Spain this September 6-9, 2019. Only two spots left!]

I have to admit, I’ve fallen in love with Ireland. It’s everything you’d expect and more.

Breathtaking rolling green hills lead into hidden fairy nooks. Rugged cliffs loom over heart-stopping coastlines. Ancient castles reign over pastures of grass-fed cows.

And of course, there’s a pub on every corner brimming with Guinness and Irish Red Ale.

What’s really magical is what happens inside those pubs. Rarely do patrons yell into each other’s ears over blasting Top 40 songs. Instead, everyone is engaged in energetic conversations over live musicians playing a variety of traditional and popular music.

And THIS is why I chose Dublin: because of that sweet, sweet crack.

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What if you could regularly have sex with young, beautiful women with nearly no chance of rejection? Would you do it?

Well, you can. Right now, in fact. This isn’t a joke or a scam.

You just have to become a sugar daddy.

For those who don’t know, there are sites dedicated to grey-area paid arrangements. The most popular is Seeking Arrangement.

Basically, you pick a gorgeous girl (a sugar baby) from her online profile. You negotiate an allowance or pricing structure, and if agreed upon — you go on “dates”. Then somehow like magic…you also have the option of sleeping with that woman.

Of course, you do need the means to pay for this. But really, it’s often cheaper than you’d expect.

Depending on your location, you can find women who will sleep with you every week for about $1000-2000 per month. And I’ve heard from guys that have paid much less — sometimes just for a nice dinner. It’s an investment but a lot of smart, single men I know can afford that if they budget for it.

This is the dream for many guys: no-strings attached sex where you live out your wildest kinks and fantasies. I’ve found that it appeals most to young men with little romantic experience and older men coming out of a long-term relationship.

(I know a lot of married men use this as well but I’m going to focus on single guys since that’s who I work with.)

So what’s the catch?

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