Today, I want to talk about the best positions…to approach a woman (sorry to your dirty minds).
Many guys worry about intimidating women or creeping them out when they introduce themselves. So they keep their distance, start conversations from afar, or display non-committal body language. They make comments completely over their shoulder with their feet pointed away.
Guys think this will help women feel more relaxed around them – but it actually does the exact opposite!
It makes the interaction WAY more awkward.
When you stand far away or have hesitant body language, the connection immediately feels cold and distant. That, in turn, can give her a sense of unease and discomfort — the whole vibe you were trying to avoid in the first place.
Why is that?
To understand, you must first learn about proxemics.
Table Of Contents
Proxemics is the fascinating study of how humans behave and communicate based on physical distances.
It states that as long as someone doesn’t feel threatened, the closer you physically are, the more connected and comfortable you both will feel.
Think about the people you feel most comfortable with: your family, friends, or intimate partners. You can stand right next to them without an issue. In fact, you unconsciously move closer when interacting with them.
This principle can work in your favor with people you’re less familiar with, too. If someone gets near us without making us feel threatened, we will subconsciously feel closer to them.
Physical distance leads to emotional distance. Physical closeness leads to emotional closeness.
So you have to find ways to safely bridge the gap between you and a new woman. Keeping your distance will never create the intimacy or comfort you desire. And that’s what I’m going to teach you today.
Typically, I don’t want to encourage guys to micromanage their every move. But, body positioning is unique because slight adjustments can make a HUGE difference for first impressions and determining how people will feel around you.
3 General Positioning Tips
- Never start a conversation from the “public space” – it’s just too far (reference proxemics chart). You always should start talking from at least the social distance, and occasionally the personal distance. For example, if you were standing right next to each other looking at books in a store.
- You don’t need to get into “intimate space” during a first meeting, although it can happen. Once you’re on a date OR perhaps an instant date (15-30+ minutes of conversation into the first meeting), then you need to eventually get into the intimate space as well.
- Point your head at the horizon and keep your hands out of your pockets. Otherwise, you look defensive and closed-off, which basically acts as creating physical distance.
When Approaching A Single Woman
If she’s facing your direction, walk over and introduce yourself from head on
Please don’t do the weird circle thing where guys walk in a big arch as if they’re totally just like “Oh wow, a woman!” and then walk up to her at the last second. Show her you are obviously coming to speak with her from the very start.
Within the first minute or so, take a step to her side. You can be almost shoulder to shoulder and face each other at an angle. This will help the vibe feel relaxed while also getting closer.
You can, of course, stick to talking head on. It will just keep more distance between you two, make it harder to touch if the conversation continues for an extended period of time, and will make the interaction feel more intense (generally not great for the first minutes).
If she’s standing somewhere next to you, start from her side
You want to have your feet and body pointed towards her a little, rather than staring straight ahead and talking over your shoulder. If she starts to engage in conversation, she should naturally turn towards you as well so you’re both talking at an angle.
If she’s walking towards you, there are two ways to approach…
1. Make eye contact and smile as she gets close. Then gently raise your hand, lean your body into the walking path, and say “excuse me.”
The combination of the hand movement and positioning, along with addressing her, makes it obvious you want to speak to her.
2. Make eye contact and smile as she gets close. Once she passes, turn around and catch up to her.
You can’t hesitate – it’s super uncomfortable to let her get 20 feet away and then decide to start running down the street after her.
As you catch up to her, make sure to get even just a step ahead so you’re in her peripheral vision before you stop her. You NEVER want to stop a woman from behind or to her side where she can’t see you first. It will only startle her and make it near impossible to have a good dynamic from the start.
Once you’re that step ahead, turn and pivot your body so that you’re facing her and part of your body is in her walking path. You can gently raise your hand and say “excuse me.”
By doing this, she will recognize you’re trying to get her attention and is more likely stop. If you just stay to her side, it’s easy for her to keep walking and ignore you like you’re panhandling.
Once you address a woman in either of those walking situations, stand firm in your ground.
A lot of guys shuffle their feet or start walking with a woman. This only encourages her to keep walking, while you standing there conveys a sense of, “I am here to talk to you (but I’m not following you.)”
When Approaching A Group
Find the opening and approach from ahead or at an angle
So let’s say there are 3 women sitting in a semicircle, their bodies somewhat facing the same direction. Follow the rules for approaching a single woman.
- If you have to walk up directly to them, do so.
- If they are next to you, you can approach from the side to start, but then move around to where you can see all the people in the group.
- If you are too far off to the side, then some people feel left out and it can sour the conversation.
If there is no opening, approach from the side of the group
Sometimes people will be standing in a row. Try to engage the closest 1-2 people at first. If they want to talk, the rest of the group will start swinging around and facing you.
Some pickup guys used to just barge into the middle of the group and put their hands on two people’s shoulders, but I’m not a fan of it.
When In Conversation
- If she’s sitting, get on her level within the first minute or so. Looming over someone while speaking to them feels really dominating and intimidating. So once she seems engaged and talking back:
- Ask if you can sit with her. Say, “Would it be okay if I sat for a moment?” or “Could I sit and join you for a few?”
- Just sit down next to her. Slowly sit down on the grass, bench, or ground. Again, sit close enough to at least be in her social space. Turn your body and face her at an angle. Don’t do the air squat where you place your hands on your knees. You will get tired and it feels stressful to look at someone who is obviously going to strain themselves. Commit to sitting fully next to them with your butt on the ground.
When Saying Goodbye
Positioning is really important when inviting a woman out and then saying goodbye. It’s her last memory of you before she’ll talk to you again – so you want to leave her with a positive impression.
- If you’re inviting her out, make sure you hold strong eye contact and your body is facing her. You can also be more head-on at this moment if you’d like, it shows strength. Continue facing her through exchanging numbers and the final goodbye. Many guys turn their body and walk away as soon as things start to wind down. Instead, end strong.
- Continue talking for 10-30 seconds after getting a number. Leaving immediately after she gives you her info makes it feel like that’s all you cared about, and not the connection you shared.
- Give her a hug goodbye if you like. This doesn’t have to be a full hug, you can do the one arm goodbye as well. It can be a good way to get even closer at that last moment and create a bit of intimacy. (I’m a hugger so this comes natural to me.)
Now just remember, while positioning is important…
Taking an imperfect shot is still better than taking no shot at all.
- Learn the power of proxemics. Proxemics, the study of human behavior based on physical distances, tells us that closeness often leads to comfort. Physical distance equals emotional distance.
- Get closer. Never initiate a conversation from too far away. Approach from a social or personal distance.
- Avoid seeming disinterested or evasive. By keeping your head pointed at the horizon and hands out of your pockets, you avoid looking defensive or closed-off. This open posture encourages more engaging interactions.
- Strategize according to the situation. If she’s facing your direction, walk over and introduce yourself from the front. If she’s next to you, engage her from the side or at an angle. If she’s walking towards you, make eye contact and either intercept her with a gentle “excuse me” or catch up to her once she passes.
- Approaching groups requires tact. If approaching a group of women, find an opening and approach from there. If there is none, start by engaging the closest 1-2 people in the group.
- Get on her level. If she’s sitting, sit down with her. This creates a more relaxed and comfortable dynamic. Hovering over someone can feel awkward and intimidating.
- Don’t rush the exit. Leave a strong, positive impression when parting ways. Keep eye contact, keep your body facing hers, and even go for a light hug. Your goodbye sets the tone for future interactions.