When you’re really sick, who do you want by your side?
When I was young, I often got mind-numbingly painful migraines. In those moments, I wanted nothing more than my mom to sit by my bed and massage my forehead until it felt better.
When I was in my early 20s, I got a terrible case of swine flu. At that time, I just wanted to be left alone which then made me realize the girl I was dating probably wasn’t the one for me.
Now in my early 30s, I’ve had to be admitted to the hospital for severe dehydration after a bad reaction to anesthesia. What made me feel better was having my wife right by my side.
You’ll lose your freedom. You won’t see your friends. Worst of all, say goodbye to your sex life.
That’s what people told me my whole life. And like many guys, it made me terrified of commitment.
I knew that 40-50% of marriages ended in divorce. My parents split by the time I was seven years old. Then my mom got divorced again after her second try.
As I got older, friends and co-workers told me horror stories about how bad their serious relationships were. So I never wanted to get into a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage, because that path seemed to only lead to misery.
I know many of you, men and women, have heard this, too. You may even feel the same way.
And truthfully, serious relationships aren’t for everyone. I know many happy people who only date casually or remain single by choice.
But I think relationships and marriage have gotten an unfairly bad rap.
Many people are in fulfilling relationships and genuinely in love with their partners. I’m fortunate to be one of them.
It’s not easy, though. You have to work hard at it all the time. You have to push your comfort zone, challenge your emotions, and get through some real pain.
But it can also be life-changing, fun work with your best friend. You get to be an amazing team that grows together.
And what I’ve realized after years of coaching people in their love lives is…
A lot of the people shit-talking relationships are the ones responsible for their own misery. And they’re just projecting that unhappiness onto you.
Here are three common reasons why your friends might be unhappy and how you can avoid the same pitfalls.
A person’s voice can start revolutions. It can captivate audiences. It can make someone fall in love.
In the same sense, restricting a voice can have devastating consequences. Even when the person restricting it is yourself.
I bet there are so many things you wish you could say to other people.
You want to tell a woman that you find her attractive. You want to have a hard conversation with your parents. You want to tell your boss a new idea.
In the moment, though, having these conversations feels overwhelming and impossible. You think you’ll sound stupid or weird. You’re worried about how you’ll be judged.
So you only ever think about what you want to say without ever saying it out loud.
And by doing this, you never gain the experience necessary to get more confident with expressing yourself.
But what if you had a completely SAFE way to start saying the ideas you’ve held back? Could it help you overcome your social anxiety?
I’ve been trying a new technique with clients lately and the results have been astounding…so I want to share it with you today.
Men get hung up when they need to follow-up with women.
When it’s time to message a girl they recently met, just had a date with, or haven’t talked to in a while – they panic.
They tell me they totally blank on what to say next. They want to write a perfect, charming message but it feels impossible when there’s hardly any context to build from.
So they overthink it because they don’t want to say the wrong thing. They second-guess their ideas and delete draft after draft. They stress themselves out and hate every minute of it.
And in the pursuit of that perfect message, they often procrastinate. Sometimes, they procrastinate so much that they lose out on opportunities and self-sabotage.
Ironically, when these guys do finally send out a message they worked so hard on…
It’s garbage.
It’s generic. It feels cold. It’s bland and evokes no emotion. It’s completely safe.
And it makes it even more obvious to a woman that you two are strangers who lack rapport.
It’s often some variation of, “Hi Allie, this is Nick from X. It was great meeting you.” Or “Hey, how was your weekend?” Or “I had a fun time the other night. Hope you got home okay.” Or “Good morning, hope you have a great day!”
Do you really think this is how women want to reconnect with a guy they’re supposed to like?
I love hearing romantic success stories. Even after eleven years, I still get a huge smile on my face when a client shares their enthusiasm from a positive dating experience.
That’s why it’s so difficult when I sometimes have to challenge people on their so-called “successes”. It’s tough to tell them to temper their excitement because their victories may not really be victories.
A lot of people define their romantic success by the wrong metrics. I know this because I spent years measuring my love life wrong, too.
I used to think I was crushing it with women if I got a number, got a kiss, or got laid. It seemed pretty straightforward…
“If an attractive woman wants me, I must be doing something right.” Society and friends told me that dating success was only about sleeping with hot women.
But over time I realized that mindset was all backwards. Viewing dating in this way never brought me long-term fulfillment.
I was stuck chasing the next “win” and without it, I felt like a failure. I never became comfortable in my own skin. And I never found lasting relationships with the women I really wanted.
Because when you measure your dating success by external approval, you risk destroying your self-esteem.
I knew an outgoing girl who had a lot of guy friends…or so she thought.
One day I told her, “You realize that most of these guys like you, right?”
She thought that was preposterous. She was almost offended by the idea and adamantly denied it. She said, “They’re just good friends.” When I dug a little deeper, I found out…
These “guy friends” were showing her interest left and right.
They always tried to hang out with her one-on-one. They texted and talked for hours on the phone. They bought her gifts. They bashed other guys she dated.
And they “jokingly” complimented her and got a little handsy with playful touches.
Eventually, these guys tried to make a move or confess their feelings. She had no choice but to reject them in an awkward way. Many of those connections deteriorated or fell apart altogether.
She was taken by surprise and that’s okay — she was young.
But what’s not okay is when I see this scenario play out among mature adults. The signs are obvious and it’s possible to avoid unnecessary pain.
I’ve called out guys for pretending to be a friend when they wanted more. Now I want to address the women who suspect or even know their guy friends are into them and avoid talking about it.
Women, it’s time to tell your guy friends that you see them as only friends.
Our surroundings subtly impact our everyday life. Different environments have different effects on our state of mind.
When I write, I like background noise and activity. So sometimes I work at coffee shops because if I’m alone in my house, I can find it difficult to be creative in total silence.
When we get fired up about politics, online environments allow us to be more direct and even insulting than we would be in-person. People say things they’d never say to someone’s face.
When we go to a restaurant, the decor, lighting, and music dictates our mood. We’re more likely to feel intimate with someone in a dim room by candlelight than in a bright, fluorescent strip mall.
When we’re trying to make meaningful romantic connections with new people, the right environment is key.
Think about the most common places for finding new dates – online apps and bars/clubs. They probably feel safe and socially acceptable for meeting new people.
But…are they really the IDEAL environments to meet your future significant other?
To me, I think using these avenues is like setting a video game on the hardest difficulty. You can win with a lot of perseverance and luck. But with your limited time as an adult, is it the most efficient, effective, and enjoyable way to play?
So instead, prioritize environments that work to your advantage. Choosing the right surroundings will boost your romantic chances, help you meet compatible people, and encourage others to open up to you in a real way.
So in the sea of New Year’s resolutions chasing love, sex, money, and the perfect body – I want to propose something different:
Commit to making two real friends this year.
Why two? Because different friends provides unique experiences, perspectives, and relationships. And it’s too easy to use one person as your end-all-be-all source of support.
Also, sometimes one person is out of town and you still want to watch the game with a bro.
Today’s article is from my close friend, Jason Connell. As a consultant, he’s worked with multi-platinum recording artists, professional athletes, top government officials, and Fortune 500 executives. I also selected Jason to help run my confidence retreat in Austin, TX. Today Jason is in training to become a clinical therapist and meditation teacher.
In January, Jason and I will be hosting a live online coaching program called Effortless Encounters to help men meet amazing women in their everyday lives. You can sign up here before registration closes on January 15th.
Without further adieu, please welcome Jason….
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There used to be a guy in my social circle, A*, who spent years chasing women. His goal: sleep with 40 women. One night I asked him, “Dude, why is sleeping with 40 women so damn important to you? What difference do you think it’ll make?”
He told me, “Well once I do that, I’ll know I’m attractive and desirable. Then I can be happy and confident.”
A few years later A* texted me to tell me he finally did it! I asked, “So did this change you? Are you happy now? Can nothing shake your confidence?”
He replied, “No…I think I need to sleep with 10 more women.”
In theory, I’m a prime candidate for being a total loner.
I’m an introvert. I work from home and I love to read. I have strong, controversial opinions that often challenge people. And sometimes, I feel like my AirPods are an extension of my body.
Despite all this, I’ve learned to love meeting new people.
I like to assume every stranger has good intentions (until proven otherwise). I like to hear their stories, uncover commonalities, and learn from our differences.
My wife likes to tease me that I’m like our dog — I greet, compliment, or joke with complete strangers in public. (It’s also one of the things she loves most about my personality.)
And lately I’ve been thinking, why do I do this?
I’ve realized: it makes me incredibly happy to brighten other people’s days.
When I go out, I want to put a smile on someone’s face. I know how amazing it feels when someone shows me warmth or compassion, and I want to pay it forward.
In turn, this encourages people to reciprocate that kind of behavior back to me. I get to see the most generous side of people and walk away with a true appreciation for the kindness of strangers.
I believe those experiences play a CRUCIAL role in my day-to-day fulfillment.
