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The Mindset You Need to Talk to Any Woman

July 6th, 2017 by Nick Notas 11 Comments

Confidence to say hello

Being able to introduce yourself to new people is arguably the biggest determining factor in a man’s dating success. This one ability does so much for you.

If you say hi to one new person a month, you have one chance of making a connection. Say hi to five people and you’ve drastically weighed the odds in your favor.

Approaching helps you destroy your social anxiety by gaining experience. You get used to awkward moments and don’t take rejections so personally. You don’t place so much importance on individual interactions and instead cultivate an abundance mentality.

All this enables you to be more confident in your social abilities. You’re more prepared to choose right person when you’re ready – not just desperately settle for whoever’s available.

Then why is this essential skill so difficult for men to master?

You’ve probably consumed dozens of articles and YouTube videos on the subject. You may have countless examples of the perfect opening lines. You may even have had friends try to help you.

And if you’re reading this, you probably still regret psyching yourself out of opportunities every single week.

The problem isn’t a lack of knowledge or needing more pre-planned material. You just need to build a mindset that encourages you to approach in a natural, healthy way.

The fear that holds you back doesn’t have to

Most men tell me they don’t approach for three main reasons:

  1. You feel you’re doing something wrong or shameful. You don’t want to creep a girl out or make her feel like you’re hitting on her. You don’t want to bother her. You’re worried what your friends, her friends, or people nearby might think.
  2. You don’t know what to say. You can’t seem to find the right words. You feel like you don’t know how to approach without something really cool or engaging to say.
  3. You’re worried about being rejected. You don’t want to face that moment when she shows you she’s not interested. Maybe you think she might even be harsh or disgusted.

But what if I could make all these hurdles disappear?

It starts by understanding all these problems are bullshit and don’t have to exist. They’re only real because of the way you view talking to new women.

Let me give you some examples. You’ve probably even been in situations similar to the following:

What if you got lost somewhere and had to get to an important appointment? You look around and the only person who can help you is a beautiful girl. You would likely ask for her help without hesitation.

What if you overheard a girl next to you talking about one of your favorite bands? Is there a good chance you’d get excited to tell her how you’ve seen them twice and they were incredible live?

Imagine you saw an attractive woman fall down on the street and she dropped her things. You probably wouldn’t hesitate to help her and make her feel better about it.

So really, you’re not always afraid of approaching attractive women because in the right context, you’d talk to them. That’s the missing piece to all of this.

The “conquest” mindset is the root of your struggles

Brave conquerer

The real issue is that when you see a girl you want to talk to, you’re subconsciously trying to win her approval.

You want her to like you in the same way that you find her attractive. Which deep down, also means you’re thinking about her in a sexual way.

That mindset causes all this anxiety. When you’re approaching a woman as just a conquest, of course you’re going to feel like you’re doing something shady!

It makes you feel like a predator. It makes you feel like you’re trying to coerce or manipulate a girl into wanting you.

Then inherently, you’re going start thinking of manufactured lines to achieve that goal because you’re not in the moment organically trying to connect. This further makes you feel disingenuous and like a fraud.

Finally, you’re going to be overwhelmed by the fear of rejection because that’s the only thing that matters with your current mindset.

So you need to change your intentions to fix your mindset.

In those earlier scenarios when you weren’t worried about saying hi to a girl, getting approval wasn’t your primary goal. You were trying to CONNECT with her.

You just needed help. Or you were trying to help. Or you were so damn enthusiastic about meeting someone with a commonality you didn’t hesitate.

In those moments, you’re being a normal human being so there’s nothing to feel bad about.

You can utilize those same intention to connect to proactively meet women. But you can’t pretend to be there for more than her approval, you actually have to feel that way.

You need to FEEL like going up to this girl is healthy and a positive experience for both of you.

Set yourself up to develop a “connection” mindset instead

You need to set yourself up to naturally have better intentions when approaching.

If you’re always just walking around, obsessing about talking to girls, it’s damn near impossible to build that healthy mindset. You can’t stroll through the mall checking out every girl out and feel like, “I’m totally not objectifying these women.”

I believe, at least to begin with, you should get involved with hobbies, outdoor activities, communities, sports, and events that are interesting to you.

That means enjoying what you’re doing regardless of whether or not you’re meeting women. You can find activities that are fun, challenging, or important for your personal growth.

When doing this, you’ll automatically be more charismatic because you’re in a better mood with less anxiety. Then you’ll be motivated to share a genuine moment with a new girl through that commonality.

Eventually, it’ll be easier to continue that mindset into daily life because of those positive reference experiences.

It’s also important is to set limits for yourself. You don’t need to hold some amazing conversation or go for a number once you talk to a girl.

Instead, commit to just saying hello using one of the intentions below. Make that your mark for success. Once you’ve done that, you can walk away after 30 seconds or a couple minutes.

The point is to again take the pressure off of “winning” and stop seeing women as conquests. This will reinforce that you’re truly talking to this girl for honest reasons.

Once you’re introducing yourself to women consistently, then you can start thinking about holding longer conversations.

Lead with better intentions to build the right mindset

Connection mindset

As I said earlier, you should approach because of a genuine desire to connect rather than seeking approval. That’s developed by being more mindful while doing social activities. 

I want you to pay attention to the people, environment, mood, and anything else going on.

When you do, your mindset will often shift to one of the following three connection-based intentions. And THIS is what should drive you to say hello to someone.

Curiosity. Develop a sense of wonder when out and about. What’s going on around you? What are people doing? Why are they there? How do they know each other? How do they like the activity? What’s their opinion on what you’re doing?

  • You see a girl at swing dancing move effortlessly. You’re wowed by her pure skill. You ask, “How are you making this look so easy? How long have you been dancing for?”
  • I was at the beach during my retreat in Majorca, Spain. I saw a girl holding a book that had a dude jumping to his death from a building on the cover. I wanted to know what the heck it was about so I said, “Wow that cover is really intense, what’s the book about?”
  • You notice a girl taking photos using a mirrorless camera. You’re into photography and have considered them. So why not ask, “Hey, I noticed you got a Fuji Mirrorless. I’ve always used Canon DSLRs. How do you like it?” From there you can discuss your photography habits, what you both like to shoot, and even ask to see some of her photos.
  • Especially while traveling, I ask locals and other tourists for recommendations constantly. I ask about getting the best coffee, where to go dancing for the night, their favorite non-overpriced restaurant, or other hidden gems. This gets so many people excited to share their knowledge with you and start inquiring about your journey.

Excitement. Do you have a perspective you want to share? Do you know a cool fact or something insightful about what you’re doing? Do you have a funny or humorous take on what’s going on? Do you have an opinion on the food, music, or environment?

  • You’re at an art exhibit and some painting speaks to you. You turn to a girl and share, “I’m both amazed and absolutely terrified at her expression. I feel like she can see through my soul.”
  • Or maybe you know something interesting about the painting. Like you’re looking at a Vermeer and you say to that girl, “Have you seen the documentary Tim’s Vermeer? They think Vermeer may have used mirrors and other tricks to meticulously trace his subjects.”
  • You’re at a social event where they’re serving hors d’oeuvres. You can turn to a girl next to you and say, “These bacon scallops are everything a man’s ever dreamed of. You need to steal a few off the plate for me when she comes by again.”
  • You’re at a bar and some guy is letting loose on the dance floor. You can tell a woman, “That guy literally gives no fucks what anyone thinks. I think he’s found the key to eternal happiness.”

Giving value. Is somebody doing something you find impressive? Are they showcasing real talent? Do you like a girl’s style? Do they have a sweet camera or backpack? Did they do something you found funny or courageous?

  • On a hike, you see a girl sitting on a high ledge. You’re afraid of heights and think she’s really brave. “You have some serious guts. My heart’s beating out of my chest just looking at you on the edge.”
  • You notice a girl sitting under a willow tree at the park overlooking the water. You feel like she picked the perfect area to chill out. You could share, “I think you probably chose the most peaceful spot in this whole place.”
  • I wrote about this a long time ago. I saw a girl at the mall trying to choose between different headbands and she couldn’t make up her mind. I thought one she had was much better than the others so I wanted to help her out. I said, “Go with the butterflies, they looked way better on you.”
  • You’re playing bar trivia and the girl at the next table is crushing it. You could tell her, “You’re seriously making us look bad! Who let the Jeopardy champion in here?”

You can even practice these in your own head before actually committing to them. What matters is starting to build these intentions when seeing new people you want to talk to.

Do these all seem too simple and obvious? That’s because they are.

And that’s the point! They work and you don’t need anything more elaborate to start engaging new people.

You don’t need some super suave or perfect introduction. Being genuinely passionate and connected to what you’re saying is what makes you most desirable. Women can feel when you’re saying things from a good place and not just trying to bullshit to gain their interest.

Most importantly, you’ll feel like what you’re doing is completely healthy and normal. That’ll put you in the right mindset to consistently approach and organically discover what to say.

  1. Greg on July 6, 2017

    Really appreciate the examples of what to say. Even though you keep saying “be organic”, I psyche myself out that I need something really unique to say. But it seems like being laid back and saying whatever pop into my head is usually the best way to go.

    • Nick Notas on July 6, 2017

      You’re very welcome Greg. Exactly, I would rather you just say random stuff that pops into your head even to yourself. That’ll at least starting shaping your way of thinking the right way. Then once you’re more comfortable like that, go say one of those things to an actual girl.

  2. Bryn on July 6, 2017

    Love how you called it the “conquest” mindset – I can totally feel that vibe when that’s the case. I personally don’t like feeling like a piece of meat!

    • Nick Notas on July 6, 2017

      Definitely. While I don’t think we’re mind readers, we can often just feel when someone isn’t being genuine or talking to us for the right reasons.

  3. James on July 6, 2017

    Wow. This is huge! So simple, but it resonates so strongly and matches up with those occasions I can think of when I went into a date with no attachment to the outcome, and often ended up with a much more positive end result and much greater interest than when I was worried about whether things would work out and was (obviously) trying too hard.

    Thank you for all you offer on this blog, it’s like a goldmine!

  4. Neil on July 6, 2017

    “The “conquest” mindset is the root of all your struggles” – Nick Notas

    This should be framed and hung up in every guy’s desk!

    Clear, concise, to-the-point and actionable as everyone of your articles. It is almost creepy how accurate you are about some of the exact problems I battle with! 🙂

    Overall great read with relevant examples and very valuable to a lot of people out there.

    • Nick Notas on July 7, 2017

      Haha, happy it resonated with you so deeply. I try my best to break things down as simply and practically as possible.

  5. Cody on July 6, 2017

    Nick, I love the fact that these ideas of Curiosity, Excitement, and Giving Value are great ways of connecting not just with women, but with all sorts of people.They are excellent ways of starting conversations for people looking to make friends. Its the concepts that matter, not the specifics.

    • Nick Notas on July 7, 2017

      Absolutely, this applies to all sorts of people. I just focused this article on meeting women as I see men often struggle with their anxiety most in these situations. But this is how we should be thinking about talking to friends, new business opportunities, and more.

  6. Ramesh on July 7, 2017

    I liked your examples but it’s hard for me to not to imagine the girl replying back – “So what?, You’ve got any problem with that?” esp. to the example where one comments the girl in the park about choosing the most peaceful spot. And, how should one handle if it goes like that.

    • Nick Notas on July 7, 2017

      Hi Ramesh,

      I think you should go try some of these and see how unlikely that scenario is.

      I’ve been approaching with guys for 10 years. You sharing a nice perspective like that almost always elicits a positive response back. If not, that often would say more about the other person and I would understand they just don’t want to connect.

      Also, thinking about how you need to defend yourself from countless scenarios is going to place you into a conquest mindset again. Because you’re reinforcing you’re worried about losing her approval.

      If she’s not interested, you just say “have a nice day” and walk away.