How to Turn Your Career Success Into Dating Success

January 10th, 2014 by Nick Notas 5 Comments

Vintage Business Man

The men who struggle most in dating are usually very intelligent. They’re resilient in their career life and end up in fulfilling and/or high-paying jobs.

They spend years learning, experimenting, and failing in order to find success. It’s no surprise that many of the clients I work with are programmers, engineers, medical professionals, and lawyers. And if they’re not there yet, they’re working towards that goal.

But because of this, their social and romantic development has taken a back seat. By the time they have their career, they realize they’re clueless about the dating world. Socializing in their free time is unfamiliar and frustrating. They overthink things and are paralyzed when it comes to taking action.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You’re smart and already have the ability to succeed in your personal life, too. You just need to approach dating with the same attitude and fervor as your career.

Start simple so you can start NOW

“I don’t know how to approach a woman. I don’t know what to say, especially if the conversation gets awkward. I don’t know how to flirt with her. And I don’t know how I would get her number.”

If you aren’t meeting women regularly, then that’s all you should be focusing on.

When you began your career path did you say, “I have no idea how to code a website like Facebook.” or “I have no idea how to perform a tracheotomy.” No, you started learning and trying the basics of your career path.

You didn’t think 20 steps ahead because you weren’t even at step 1. You were just excited to get your feet wet.

You dove in and began with basic HTML that produced “Hello World” on screen. Then you moved on to CSS and Javascript. Eventually you learned databases, Rails, and now produce complex web applications.

But you couldn’t learn all that without the fundamentals.

Too many guys don’t start because they’re living in the future. You can’t predict every scenario and it’s not fair to expect yourself to be proficient when you have limited to no experience.

Break it down into pieces and make it as easy to begin as possible:

Make eye contact with women that pass you. Then try greeting them while passing. Then ask for directions or an opinion. Then make quick compliments to women you encounter. Then you can work your way up to approaching them with the intention of holding a conversation.

The point is to just start practicing in the real world already!

Keep building your resume

It’s time to work on your presentation.

You have seconds to make a great first impression. With your resume, you know that attention to detail is critical. You don’t hastily put one together and say, “This is what it is. If companies don’t like it, then too bad.”

You probably revised it multiple times, tweaked the design, asked for a friend’s opinion, and maybe even sought out a professional. And since then, you’ve refined it for new jobs and will continue to improve it for as long as you’re working.

How does this translate to dating? Your appearance and behavior is your real-world resume. This includes your fashion, body language, eye contact, and vocal tonality.

The great thing about these four points is that you can practice them safely.

You can ask a salesperson for help with fashion or ask a stylish friend’s advice. You can work on smiling and standing tall with confident body language in the comfort of your home.

You can practice eye contact with women while walking around, without having to actually talk to anyone! You can also do it with people you trust or people that are working (cashiers, baristas, toll-booth operators). And you can develop your voice with a vocal warm-up CD or audio file wherever and whenever you can.

There is no excuse to avoid working on these traits.

The goal is the same as with a future employer: effectively showcase your strengths so people can appreciate them.

Reach out and create opportunities often

Now you need to approach prospective jobs — in this case, women.

When you applied to jobs in the past, did you only pursue one at a time? No, and if you did, you soon realized that wasn’t an effective strategy. The chances of you finding the right company in one shot are slim. The more opportunities you took, the more likely you found a suitable, rewarding position.

If your dream company turned you down, you accepted that you tried your best and moved on. You didn’t sit around hoping that they’d change their mind. You didn’t take that rejection personally and think that you were a loser forever. And you didn’t stop applying to other jobs because nothing else could compare.

You didn’t put that job on a pedestal. Anyone who’s worked at a new place can tell you that you don’t know shit about a company until you’ve invested serious time in it. You don’t know about their values, how they’ll treat you, or whether or not they’ll challenge and help you grow.

Instead, you worked to improve your resume or skills and put yourself out there again.

Make a habit of approaching every woman you find interesting. The more opportunities you take, the more likely you’ll find a high-quality, fulfilling relationship. There are an infinite number of women out there, so if one doesn’t work out, another will.

Appreciate small victories and learn through experience

As you progress through your career, think back to when you were starting out. Have you become more proficient? Are you more confident in what you do?

Every time I’ve asked someone that, their response is something like, “Oh god I used to be such a shitty programmer / writer / etc. I know so much more now. But, I’m still learning every day.”

You look at your career as a set of ongoing challenges and educational experiences. You are willing to stumble and temporarily fail to get better. You don’t hate yourself for what you’re not great at yet.

Because every time you conquer those new hurdles you become stronger, wiser, and more adept. And you’re proud of yourself for doing so.

Why should you view dating any differently?

Every interaction with a woman is positive regardless of the outcome. You gain immense insight and hone your dating skills.

Don’t beat yourself up about the current result — you can always try again. Always praise yourself for pushing your comfort zone, creating physical contact for the first time, and going for a number even though you’re scared. That’s what’ll keep you motivated.

Confidence comes after experience. Relish in your small victories along the way and you’ll master dating like you’ve mastered your career.

  1. Jamie on January 10, 2014

    This whole article is a great analogy.

    “You don’t know about their values, how they’ll treat you, or whether or not they’ll challenge and help you grow.”

    Reading this reminded me of the high standards I have for work environments, but how I don’t apply them to women. It’s funny how your brain plays tricks on you that way.

    • Nick Notas on January 10, 2014

      How we view our standards and enforce our boundaries in different situations is really interesting. A lot of it comes down to fear of loss.

      With women, men are afraid to challenge them because they don’t want to “lose” the girl. But you should be focusing on women who enjoy and respect your true personality and values.

  2. Raj on January 11, 2014

    Ah, I can completely relate. Awesome article. I especially like how nick broke the dating process down to a science! Thank you for all your advice Nick!

    Raj

  3. Goundy on February 25, 2014

    I to believe there is a huge correlation between success with women and success in life. Except instead of using career success to transmutate into dating success, it was the other way around.

    Many guys who clawed there way from the pits of the dating world to become highly successful PUA’s, I noticed achieved success in some other field thereafter. This may be due to the fact that becoming successful at cold approach pickup is probably the hardest thing achievable and anyone capable of doing it has an incredible level of motivation that can easily translate to other areas of life.

    Afterall, in order to do this, it requires a massive ammount of personal changed and sacrifice (spending dozens of hours out in the field pushing through your comfort zone and making tiny incramental progress).

    But yeh I agree with this article. If you have the motivation and the drive to succeed in your career, you can use the same energy to succeed in dating.

  4. Jane on March 16, 2014

    Its true that intelligent people do have a harder time in the dating scene, there is one dating website that is designed just for them. http://www.iqcatch.com The site is based around intelligence and lets smart people find other smart people.