How to Remain Dignified While Being Rejected

October 23rd, 2014 by Nick Notas 34 Comments

Wolverine Explosion

 

I looked around the club and saw her. She had tanned skin, tall black boots, and danced hypnotically with her girl friends.

I had to meet her.

A dozen guys stood around the room, holding their drinks and leering. No one had the guts to go up to the group of girls.

I wanted to be the guy to do it. With the help of some liquid courage, of course.

I downed my drink and walked towards her. My legs felt like jello with every step. I stopped in front of her, smiled, and said, “Hey.”

She gazed into my eyes and returned a smile. Her friends listened closely.

I thought to myself, Yes, Im in!

But almost immediately, her smile warped into a sneer. She said,

“Do you even like women?”

She was insulting me, questioning my sexuality. And it wasn’t in a playful, challenging kind of way.

(Being honest though, I did dress a little metrosexual back then.)

I tried to hold my ground and replied, “Damn right I do.”

She snickered and in an exaggerated tone said, “Suuure you do. Please, you wouldn’t even know what to do with a real woman.”

Before I could get in another word, she turned around and started laughing. Her friends joined in.

There I stood, rejected, with a group of girls mocking my misfortune and a room full of guys watching it all go down.

I was devastated. I was humiliated. And I was furious. I wanted to say something that made her feel like shit — just like I did.

Instead, I walked away with my fists clenched and left to another bar. Later that night, I met a sweet girl who I immediately hit it off with.

That was one of the worst rejections I’ve faced over the years. As awful as it may have seemed, I’m glad I handled it with dignity. Because it’s choices like those which have allowed me to become a stronger man even from the most horrible rejections.  

Recognizing when you’re rejected

In an ideal world, rejection would always be as clear as in my story. Hopefully not not that mean-spirited, but still obvious enough that you’re able to move on.

But if you read my last article, that doesn’t always happen. Many women have a hard time rejecting a man directly – even though it’s the best way for both parties.

Sometimes a woman will just ignore you. Or keep saying she’s busy. Or tell you that she’s not ready for a relationship when she really is, just not with you.

The majority of women don’t do this maliciously. They do it to protect their feelings and in their own minds, yours too. However, these indirect rejections often make situations worse.

That’s why the only consistent measurable factor for being rejected is action. More specifically, the action of investing in you.

A woman who likes a guy wants to see him in person.

She doesn’t want to wait weeks or months and miss that opportunity. We don’t want to lose the things we value.

Men have a hard time believing that. They stay in denial and always try to reason that she may be secretly interested, despite her delays. They pursue a girl endlessly without success and then get pissed off when things don’t work out.

I’m sorry to say, but it’s your fault if you ignore the signs and don’t focus on other women. 

I don’t care if she texts you all day, every day, for weeks on end.

I don’t care if she has a boyfriend but says she’s unhappy.

I don’t care if she said that she’s not sure if something could happen in the future.

I don’t care if she’s gone on three dates with you in the past.

I don’t care if she’s flirted with you at work or somewhere else.

I don’t care if she messages you first all the time.

Whatever your reason for being in denial is, unless she’s spending alone time with you now, she’s just not that into you.

She may be attracted to you. She may like you as a person. She may like your attention. But she’s not serious enough to move things forward.

Use the 3 strikes rule

You want to know if she likes you or is trying to reject you? Try to invite her out twice, maybe three times.

If she doesn’t ever commit to hanging out, she’s not interested or serious enough. It’s that clear-cut. Stop trying and focus your energy elsewhere. 

She knows at this point you want to be with her. Continuing to hound her never makes things better. If she changes her mind, she can message you to hang out.

The wrong ways to deal with rejection

Back_to_Whore_Island

I know how terrifying it can be to show a girl that you like her. You’re putting your heart and soul on the line. You’re taking a chance to get utterly and embarrassingly rejected.

And when someone turns you down, it hurts like hell.

But as difficult as it can be, you need to learn to deal with rejection in a healthy, productive way. And this isn’t just to make the woman feel better, it’s mostly for your benefit. 

Taking your emotional pain out on someone hurts you more than anyone else. By doing so, you reinforce your destructive emotions.

You build resentment and anger. You become apathetic. You expect the worst in people.

That anger eventually turns to rage and causes you to take it out on new women you meet. In turn, you only attract low quality people who tolerate that type of behavior. You can also get yourself into legal trouble. 

So listen up… 

Accept that youre not entitled to her. If she chooses someone else, she’s not a bitch or a slut for it. She may be rude for stringing you along (if that was her true intention). But even then, you don’t own her and she doesn’t owe you anything. A person doesn’t have to be with you just because you want them to be.

Don’t take it personally. I know that’s tough because you are the one getting rejected. But that person’s rejection is not a reflection of your self worth. You just weren’t compatible with them in that moment.

Rejections happen for all sorts of reasons. Maybe she had a shitty day. Maybe you were too nervous and had a bad date. Maybe she felt you were incompatible. Or maybe she just didn’t find you attractive.

Some girls won’t be interested in you but that doesn’t make inferior. Nobody’s attractive to everyone. You have to accept it as a normal part of the dating process.

Don’t assume that’s how all women will feel. There are plenty of women who will like you and when they don’t, they’re upfront about it.

You don’t need to make her feel bad for you to feel better. Insulting a woman does nothing except show your insecurity. Do you think she’s suddenly going to change her mind after you berate her?

It might temporarily make you feel better, but when your emotions subside, you’ll just end up feeling like an asshole. (Unless you’re a sociopath.)

Ask yourself… 

Would a man of value waste his energy on someone who didn’t respect or desire him? No.

The right ways to deal with rejection

In my experience, there are only three steps to turning rejection into future success and growth. You have to…

  1. Accept the reality. If you’ve used the 2-3 strikes rule, let her go. Call out your own bullshit excuses of denial.

    Don’t beg her or make her feel guilty. Don’t pretend to be her friend when you want her romantically. Don’t wait around for months to see if things change. And don’t keep searching for the secret trick to convince her otherwise — there is none.

    Like I said earlier, she’s well aware of your desire to connect with her and can take initiative if she wants to.

  2. Learn from the rejection. Not every rejection has a lesson. So I don’t want you to kill yourself thinking about how you fucked up. And I definitely don’t want you calling yourself a loser (shame) for making a mistake (guilt).

    But sometimes, we do blow our chances. I have, many times, and those experiences have become some of my greatest learning tools. If there’s something obvious you did to turn a girl off, remember it so you don’t make the same mistake again.

  3. Put yourself out there again. It’ll prove there’s an abundance of great people out there waiting to meet you. It’ll allow you to make deeper, more meaningful connections. And in hindsight, it’ll prove that rejection was a good thing. 

    It’s nearly impossible to see the positive side of rejection when you don’t keep meeting other people. You will place that person who rejected you on a pedestal. You will see them as your only option and let it crush you.

    I’m grateful for the girl who rejected me in the club. I’m grateful for all the times I’ve totally screwed up. I’m thankful for my ex-girlfriend dumping me on our 2 year anniversary. If it weren’t for all those rejections, I wouldn’t have met the right girl for me.

    But not me or anyone else can convince you of that – you have to experience it for yourself.

The most successful people in business and romance get rejected regularly.

They wear it as a badge of courage. They write about it in their books and talk about proudly in their speeches. Because they know if they remain dignified in the face of rejection, they’ll reap all the amazing benefits it has to offer.

Rejection is not the enemy. The real enemy is your own insecurity and fear toward it.

Tired of getting no replies to your messages? Frustrated with not getting a second date? Let’s have a free consultation.

  1. Cotton on October 23, 2014

    I used to get caught up feeling rejected on OKCupid. I would spend like 30 minutes thinking about the perfect message. When I didn’t get a response I wouldn’t try again for days.

    Now I see one or two things from a girl’s profile, write something quick, and do it again with another girl. I send out 10x as many in half the time. I play the odds and get at least a date a week because of it now 🙂 Rejection means nothing.

    • Nick Notas on October 23, 2014

      Love the attitude man. Online dating is definitely a woman’s market and a number’s game. Your best bet is to take as many shots as possible. Also, recognize if there’s any pattern to the messages you write that get responded to and those that don’t.

      The co-founder of OKCupid released a new book confirming that quantity of messages equates to success with online dating. It’s called Dataclysm and he uses data to back up his points. I’ve been really intrigued by this idea and I’ll be writing a post on it soon.

    • Ryan on January 3, 2015

      I’ve tried that same approach, sending short, quick messages. I have literally sent over 2,000 messages between OkCupid, PoF.com, and other sites, and have gotten less than 100 replies.

      It’s not like I’m unattractive, in the past week I’ve been called ‘sexxy, cute, very attractive, not bad looking’. Used to get it even more when I would go out all the time.

      When I would be out in public I’d have no problem at all talking to people, but would never actually get anything to move farther than that conversation at the bar (I’m guessing because back then I was just THAT cynical and didn’t really care, and if she didn’t want to give me her number then whatever), but it seems like in this online dating game I’m a total failure.

      So, before someone says ‘Well then go back out into public, dufus and actually seal the deal rather than cool-guy walking away’. Since my times when i would hit the bar almost every night I’ve developed some ENORMOUS anxiety problems and have lately have been having a near deadly battle with PTSD and the demons it brings with it. I can’t be in a room with more than 1 or 2 people at a time without flipping out, and that’s while I’m on my meds. How would it look to a chick if I’m sitting there at a bar popping Xanax and Valium every time someone new walks into the room or gets within 5 feet of me?

      Anyone have any thoughts on this?

      • Paul on January 7, 2015

        Ryan, I’m sorry but my advice is to close down your profiles and put dating on the shelf until you get the anxiety/PTSD under control. My experience is you can’t put your best foot forward and attract the kind of woman you want while suffering with this. Get a good therapist or counsellor, learn to manage this and recover. If you do that, the dating situation will likely take care of itself.

  2. Joe on October 23, 2014

    Nick, this article and the previous one have had perfect timing to rethink what happened in my situation.
    Just recently, I moved to a new area so I decided to go too a speed dating event. I ended up meeting this wonderful girl there and we texted several nights in a row to our first date. It was amazing and found a lot in common with her, closed the night with a kiss and set up a second date the following weekend. I really thought we had quite a connection, including some random coincidences we came across on the second date. However, the next day I texted get for a bit then later that night she texted that I reminded her too much of her ex and that she couldn’t see anything coming from this relationship.
    I told her I understood but in reality I didn’t. I couldn’t get over the fact that there was something there. After her final message of thanking me for being respectful, I texted that I never met a girl like her before and that she shouldn’t compare me to her ex. I didn’t mean any disrespect but I had nowhere to put the frustration I was having. I couldn’t be mad at her and it wasn’t anything I did in particular (although it might have just been how I am). I think I’m over it now, even though it was only a short time I spent with her. Thank you for your articles on rejection. I know there are plenty lovely ladies out there and I just have to pick myself up to keep going.

    • Nick Notas on October 28, 2014

      Hey Joe,

      That’s an interesting reason. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a girl reject someone for being “too much like their ex” on a couple dates. I may have simply asked her what she meant by that.

      But either way if she was texting you that, it seems done with. You’re making the right move by picking yourself up and getting out there again. And you’re very welcome 🙂

  3. Brookell on October 23, 2014

    This is a fantastic post, Nick! The hardest and best point is not to take rejection personally. Incompatibility is often the case and has nothing to do with you as a person. It’s so easy to start over-analyzing ourselves to find what is wrong with us when the simple answer is… there’s nothing wrong, it just wasn’t right with them. Thank you for a great read!

  4. John P. on October 24, 2014

    Well, Nick you have quite the timing. After years of insecurity and shame (over a decade really), and being pretty closed into myself for so long, today i dared asking out a girl i met that works at a local coffee, she rejected saying she was committed already. It wasn’t good but it wasn’t the terrible event i thought it was going to be for me, a void in my chest didn’t appear and emptied my existence in to it or some other ominous event like that, figuratively speaking of course. She wasn’t sweet but nor was she disdainful to me about it and i have no intention to stop going to that coffee because of this. More so it kinda opened up my eyes to approaching women, now i can almost see lots of possibilities ahead of me, but baby steps. Anyways what all this blabber was about was to say that I’ve been reading your post here for a few months now and little by little you helped my overcome myself as i was, i felt myself like i could overcome the approach barrier and i finally did so today, and for that i thank you! There still quite a way ahead of me but, i really feel this was a major step, again thank for posting and help out guys like me!

    • Nick Notas on October 28, 2014

      Congratulations on taking that leap John. Even though it didn’t work out with that girl, you gained an invaluable lesson. Sometimes we just need to experience how the situations we make up in our minds are much worse than reality.

      I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my articles and they’re inspiring you to get what you want out of life. That’s the biggest compliment I could ever receive. Take those small, consistent steps and you’ll be making huge strides soon enough.

  5. Justin Attraction on October 24, 2014

    Great points here. The funny thing is, when you reach a certain level, you actually seek out rejection because it makes your life so much easier and makes things much more efficient.

    You go from having tons of phone numbers of girls that are on the fence and giving you mixed messages, driving you crazy, to only dealing with the girls that are clearly interested.

    More advanced guys tend to want rejection, so they intentionally amp up the sexual energy or say or do things that will basically force the girl to make a decision–in or out. It’s much better (for both parties) than playing it safe and staying in the nebulous zone of nice, polite conversation.

    • seymoure on October 25, 2014

      I agree. Be polite but direct and decisive and let the chips fall where they may. Don’t be afraid of losing something you don’t have in the first place.

    • Nick Notas on October 28, 2014

      Well said Justin. Rejection is arguably the best screening tool at your disposal. It saves a ton of time and energy.

      That’s why I advocate being flirtatious upfront so a woman has to decide whether or not she wants to pursue that type of connection with you.

  6. seymoure on October 25, 2014

    I don’t take rejections personally at all as I reject 99% of the women I see around. So it’s only fair that they get to pick as well. But those women who try to be nice by not begin direct are the worst but Nick’s 3 strike rule i.e.,making sure by asking them out solves that problem. When its all said and done, as Nick said it so well, if a woman or man wants you they will come after you. The biggest mistake we can make men or women is NOT BEING DIRECT and CLEAR about our wants and desires.

    • Nick Notas on October 28, 2014

      Yup, cut out ambiguity. Make your intentions clear and see if they’re willing to meet you halfway. If they’re not, you find out early and can concentrate on people who are.

  7. Michael on October 28, 2014

    Perfect article as always. Right at this moment I’m struggling with a girl suddenly ignoring me after we chatted for a few weeks and met two times. I have no idea what went wrong but I get the hint…guess I’ll delete her contact now.

  8. Clay Woolfork Jr. on October 29, 2014

    Nick you are the man! I’ve read all your articles and have made so many changes in my life and I’m happy to say I’m getting the results I want, with women and in my personal life. *thumbs up*

    I’m a big believer in the 2-3 strikes rule and I think it’s a great foundation when approaching women. Keeps you from wasting your time. Rejection is definitely not the end of the world, far from it. I asked a girl out at the barber shop I always attend without giving myself time to think about it and we hit it off immediately. Same week I asked for a number from the waiter at the restaurant I was at and she politely told me she had a boyfriend and apologized. I told her she was lucky and made sure I left a generous tip. The way I see it, if you’re interested in someone the ONLY way you loose is if you do nothing. I proved that to myself this week. The girl who turned me down was polite about it and I wasn’t emasculated. Was I disappointed? Yes, but that went away quick and I enjoyed the rest of my night. Then on the other hand the girl at the salon said yes and we had an amazing time. But if I hadn’t asked either one of them out I wouldn’t have gained anything at all, be it a new relationship or more experience.

    Take as many shots as you can gents! You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

  9. Chris on November 1, 2014

    Some women act like being a b**** is a badge of honor … trying to get with girls like that is just asking for trouble. Stick to the ones that treat you like a human being, not primordial slime because you happen to have a set of twig and berries.

  10. Jarod Oner on November 7, 2014

    I love #2, a lot of guys DON’T learn from their rejections… they don’t go back and think to themselves, “What went wrong and what could I do better next time?” And then do #3 and make those adjustments to put themselves out there again with the corrections they just made.

    Great tips!

    -Jarod

  11. Seymoure on November 10, 2014

    I don’t see how that girl would confuse a metrosexual man with a homosexual man.
    That just displays her lack of sophistication and her poor taste.
    Metrosexual is NOT homosexual.
    A metrosexual man is one who dresses nice and attends to his grooming and personal appearance.

  12. Tim on February 16, 2015

    Ohhh man, I hate this one most of all.

    Not the rejection itself, I would in fact rather have her tell me up front that she isn’t interested in me.
    It’s the Beating around the bush and the excuses Hoping I get the hint that I hate. Just be freaking honest.

    I am recovering from of those now and want to tell you guys the story. I would also Really Like some feedback on this situation I had Especially from you Nick.

    I met this girl online on POF.com a few months ago. If there is such a thing as love at first site I had it.
    I was bitten by her hard. I know Now I probably killed it because I came on way to hard with this girl and told her my feelings for her way to early and was very upfront about it. I still kick my own ass for it But I am trying to learn lessons from it and dont plan on making the same mistakes again.

    Anyway I met this girl, Liked her a hell of a lot and we started chatting with each other via mail and chat. even talked a few times on the phone but her english isn’t great so that wasn’t a big deal.

    At first she seemed to like me to but the more open I was about my feelings for her the more she seemed to pull away. I asked her out for our first date and she said she wanted to go but seemed to start making excuses why she could go.

    And not your typical excuses either. she has 2 adult children she lives with. First it was her son was sick with the flu, then her daughter was sick with the flu, then it was she was sick with the flu. Ya I know but I really liked her so I hung in there and kept trying.

    Finally a month went by and she actually set a time to pick her up. So i picked her up and we went Bowling. Seemed to have a great time but it didn’t last long enough so I then asked her if she was hungry and would she like to go eat. She said Yes so we went to tgi fridays and had a late night meal.

    Then I took her home. My plan was to walk her to her door, kiss her on the cheek and then leave for the night. Yes I am a Gentlemen and wanted this girl to see that and that she ment a lot more to me then just a piece of ass.

    We get back to her place and Damned if she didn’t invite me in. I am thinking this girl Really likes me.
    1st date and she is inviting me into her place. I must be doing Something Right. BUT Keeping my Nice guy / gentlemen attitude I didn’t do crap. I didn’t even attempt to kiss her on the lips. In truth I was freaked out by her asking me in and wasnt sure how to play it. wasnt sure if I should have gone for it or not. I know Now I should have but at the time I didnt. I made an excuse about needing to get back to my dog and left after about 5 minutes kissing her on the cheek as I left, thinking and smiling to myself, this girl likes me and there will always be a 2nd date. I was so wrong…

    Texted her the next day and told her what a great time I had and I hoped she did to and I was sorry for leaving suddenly but I was a gentlemen and that she meant much more to me then trying to get into her pants and I was concerned about my dog.

    She seemed to be ok with it and told me she had a great time too.

    I waited a few days and then texted her back talking about our 2nd date the next weekend.
    She started up with the same old excuses again, telling me her daughter was sick. I also noticed that that while texing back to me her replies were pretty quick when I asked for the 2nd date I didn’t get a response for like 5 minutes or so. Hmm..

    I tried to be cool about it but didn’t handle it to well. I asked if her daughter had the flu again and she said no but wouldn’t say what was a matter with her. I asked about maybe just coming over and spending time with her at her place watching a movie and eating pizza but she didn’t seem to receptive that idea either.

    I finally lost it and told her I felt she was playing games with me and I wish she would just be straight up with me about if she wanted to date me or not and her feelings for me if any. Told her this was the same stuff she told me the first time I tried to get her to go out, etc, etc, etc.

    She denied it all of course and even sent me a picture of someone in what looked like a hospital bed in a hospital room but the pic never showed their face. she told me it was just not a good week for her

    At this point she stopped talking to me.

    Afterwards I just didn’t know what to think. Was she just blowing me off and making excuses. Did she really have a sick daughter who maybe has medical issues. If she didn’t like me why invite me in on the 1st date. Did I blow it by telling her how much I liked her. Did I blow it by not trying to be sexual with her when she did invite me on. My brain went round and round on what Might have happened.

    Felt really bad about everything and and wrote her a letter a week later and dropped it at her door.
    Told her I was sorry about the way I acted and that I know I made a lot of mistakes with her but I felt like she had lead me around and I wished she had been more upfront with me about what she wanted.

    I got No Response.

    Another week went by and I wrote her another letter and put it at her door but this time I tried a different approach with her. I told her I didn’t have a lot of experience with woman, she meant the world to me and that I knew I had a lot to learn and I was trying very hard which is true. I also tried to make her a little jealous.

    It was getting near valentines day and I told her I had another date coming up with another girl (a lie) and I guess she liked me a lot because she was already talking to me about valentines day. Told her I would probably take this girl out But I could not help but think it should have been me and her going out on Valentines.

    I alos told her that I had wanted to tell her all this stuff in person but wasnt sure how she would have felt by me just showing up at her door and that I dropped the letter of because I had a job interview on that day in her side of town. Again I lied.

    Again NO Response.

    I was SURE I had lost her for good and I would NEVER hear from her again but the day before valentines I called her phone and got voice mail. I told her I was really sorry for being a jerk for all the things I did and said to her. Wished her a happy valentines and told her I was sorry things didn’t work out for us.

    And Damned if she didnt call me back.

    We didnt talk much, She asked me how the interview went and I said they would call me. I told her again how much I liked her but understood if she didnt feel the same way. Told her I wish we could go out valentines and she told he she was actually working that day. I know she lied because she was on and off pof.com all that day and I dont think she can do that from work.

    I told her I had to work that day to, I did but told her my night was free. Told her I am getting ready to start school, I am and told her I would love to take her out again but I wasnt going to pressure her about anything and to call me if she wanted to go out. The conversation ended at that point and I havent talked to her since.

    I was stunned by this return call to. she was free of me. Why return the call but not respond to the previous 2 letters.

    Yes I am obsessed with her no doubt and I have Never figured out what exactly happened.

    Did I not be a challenge enough by telling her upfront my feelings for her and desire for her.

    Did the window of opportunity close on me simple because I wasn’t all over her the minute we got back to her place.

    Was she just not into me and didnt want to date me and was just trying to be NiIce to me and not hurt my feelings. Talked about Dazed and Confused. I mean really.

    I know I have to move on and I wont contact her again but I really liked this girl. I wonder if I just play it
    cool maybe she will reach out to me or if there was anyway I could fix this situation and get her to go back out with me or if it is just a lost cause.

    Ladies, if your not into a guy, please be honest with them if you don’t want to be with them. That will really let him down right.

    Me I am still pining for a woman I will never have but am moving forward anyway. In fact the whole reason I am here is because of that experience.

    This was Loooong I know but I would really like some feedback on this situation and what happened. especially from you Nick. Maybe even a private email about it would be great.

    I would love to get her back if I could but can let her go if needed and yes, it hurts….

    Tim

  13. Seymoure on February 18, 2015

    Tim, here is my 2 cents straight and unvarnished. I sense insecurity and lack of self confidence and I also sense a strong case of you making things far more complicated and difficult than they need to be. Look how long your explanation is and how long it took you to explain such simple turn of events. You say she’s a foreigner and it depends which part of the world to determine her culture but this woman does not have the luxury of time with 2 adult kids and must make use of little time she has, so when she invited you in she meant it. You by not making moves not only displayed lack of confidence and immaturity but also lack of intelligence and understanding of her situation in life. Perhaps she feels you don’t get it and you chose your dog over her – you insulted her and rejected her in a way. I’d say next time be more confident and self assured. She is not 16, so inviting you in after more than a month of back and forth, means I’m giving you a chance. If you don’t have what it takes to take advantage of a clear opportunity, then rest assured others will and if you were her, which ones would you rather be with?!?

    • Tim on February 18, 2015

      @Seymoure

      LoL, well I guess the first thing you know about me is my stories are Always long winded. just the way I write I guess.

      2nd, Yes I have insecurities and need more self confidence. If I didn’t then I would not be on This Site would I. I am much better now then say 10-15 years ago. Also I was married for 25 years and been single for only a few years now so this dating stuff is all new to me Again.

      I didn’t make Moves as you say on the girl because I respected her enough to not try and fuck her on the 1st date. I saw her as my future girlfriend and possible wife. IF she had let me have sex with her on the first date I think my respect level would have dropped a lot. I am looking for a long term relationship man, not just to get laid.

      The point I was trying to make with the story was the girl gave me all these Excuses before going out with her. We finally went out and had a great time and she invites me in and then starts with the Same ole excuses when I tried for a 2nd date. It left me very dazed and confused.

      Finally you dont know me but I will tell you I have come a Long Way since I dated last time.

      In my youth I would have blamed her for what happened and probably resented her for it But Now, I blame myself for not trying to bed her and for other things I did.

      Ultimately I learned a LOT of lessons with this girl and wont make the same mistakes with someone else I did with her and that is all we can really do right. If we learn from our mistakes then it was a lesson learned and a worth while experience right.

      The sad part for me was I didn’t learn those lessons with a Different Girl and One I cared about a lot less then this one. I have had many dates since I ended my marriage but this girl was Special to me and I wanted to go all the way with her and that’s what really suck about the whole thing.

      • jeffrey on February 6, 2016

        Tim you have a case of Madonna whore complex being that you said you would look down on her if she had sex with you the first date…that WILL affect your future relationships with ALL women. Trust me no woman will feel for you in a sexual way only in a provider or friend way. Google lover/provider differences …here’s a start http://www.theskillsmethod.com/the-2-types-of-men-when-it-comes-to-seduction/

  14. Seymoure on February 19, 2015

    @tim, just trying to help but giving my unvarnished thoughts … Just as I would like them about me and my experiences. I stand behind what I said with regard to her not having the luxury of time to spend on her personal matters. Your gentlemanly conduct could and most probably was interpreted as lack of interest or lack of confidence or both by her, so…also holding back sex just for the sake of holding back sex on the 1st, 2nd date so that the man will think highly of you is NOT a sign of a virtuous woman.

    • Tim on February 20, 2015

      @Seymoure

      I appreciate the feedback man I really do.
      Whatever she thought it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in her. I made it very plain to her just how interested in her I was. Probably a big mistake looking back at it now. I think the words falling in love were even used so it wasn’t.

      I believe now either I just scared the girl because I just came on to strong to her OR she was never that interested in me in the 1st place and was just being nice to me by going out and inviting me in at the end of the date.

      I’m not real good with woman but I believe one thing and that is IF a woman really likes a guy she is going to let him know it, especially if she already knows he likes her. If she knows this she loses nothing by expressing her feeling to him too.

      I also think if she really liked me the fact I didn’t try to bed her on the first date would not have mattered that much. I say this because if I like someone and she tells me no to sex on the first date I’m not going to just dump her for it. I’m going to think, OK I like this girl and it’s too early for sex and continue to see her. I think if you liked someone and she tells you no on the 1st date that isn’t going to stop you from seeing her again either.

      Finally I believe this girl was lying to me about a lot of things in order not to hurt my feelings or so she thought.

      Remember I told you the last time I talked to her she told me she was working valentines day. I believe this was a lie. I think she told me that to pre-empt me from asking her out on valentines day because that was almost the first thing she told me in our conversation Before I ever had a chance to even ask her.

      And I think she was lying because I work in IT and I am on the internet all day. She told me she works for GE doing Transformer assembly. I don’t think she can surf the internet while at work, she never has done it before. And yet on Valentines day I noticed she was on and off POF.com all day long.

      So, either she lied to me about working that day or she was at work and didn’t do any work but spent the day surfing. She normally doesn’t work Saturdays so I know what I believe but cant prove it.

      Doesn’t really matter anymore anyway. Just wish she had been upfront with me in the 1st place if she really didn’t want to go out and I wish like hell I could just let her go but cant seem to shake her from my mind. Nobody on POF has gotten under my skin the way she did.

      I wish I knew how to try and get another chance with her if I could but I don’t think she wants that and me continuing to reach out to her is just going to drive her further away so all I can really do is not contact her and hope by some miracle she reaches out to me in the future but I wont hold my breath.

      The only other thing I thought of was I told her I am looking for a new job to make more money and I am. I have thought that maybe when I do get that new job maybe calling her up and asking if she wants to go out and celebrate with me.
      But I’m 99% sure I would get an excuse why she couldn’t go.

      Probably tell me her Adult daughter is sick with the flu again and she just has to stay home and take care of her LOL Umm OK. That seems to be her go to Excuse when she doesn’t want to go out BUT doesn’t want to make the guy feel bad or just doesn’t have the guts to say No thanks….

      Be soooo glad when she isn’t running thru my brain anymore.
      Take care man and thanks for your input….

  15. Seymoure on February 20, 2015

    … and she’s still on a dating site. There’s your answer.
    I and everybody else must always remind themselves that men and women are in relationships because of their own reasons and needs and not because of one another.

    • Tim on February 20, 2015

      Sure she is, but then so am I.

      Don’t think you can really say anything to them about it until maybe the 4 or 5 date.

      Then it should be a Mutual decision that both will get off the site. After all How can you have a Real relationship if your still surfing a dating site looking for greener pastures.

      In truth I mentioned this to her bro. Why did she need to be on pof all the time when she Had a man. I got no response. Afterwards I felt like this was a mistake too because we had been on just one date so I had no right to tell her to get off pof.

      Deep Down. Deep Down. I know I dodged a bullet and a lot of future pain no matter how much I liked this girl.

      At 54 I am looking for someone who wants to make a life with ME. Not spend every waking moment taking care of and supporting there Adult Children.

      Adult Children should be living there own lives and letting Mom live hers. This would have been a major and unwinnable issue for me down the road.

      Ya, I made a LOT of mistakes with her man But if I learn then it was worth it right.

  16. Seymoure on February 20, 2015

    @ Tim, You’ve made some solid points with which I agree, such as having dodged a bullet.
    Listen I think Nick and every other logical experienced realistic man will agree that if a woman WANTS to see you, she will FIND the time, despite adult children and all else.
    Fact is for God knows what reason, and it never matters why, you didn’t do it for her so she’s still out there looking. You were / are fixated on her as we all get every now and then – God knows I have – but in time you will see, your fixation had far more to do with the colorful fantasy you had created in your head than what than woman actually had or could ever offer. In such situations, what option do we have really but t keep going. After all others are not responsible for our happiness and once again never forget everyone gets into a relationship for their own reasons and needs, not OURS. This is crucially important to know and believe.

  17. Tim on February 21, 2015

    I hear you. In the Very Beginning I think she really liked me but pulled away because I simply came on to strong to her but the truth will never be known for sure. All I can do is examine what I did, what I think went wrong and try to change it and not do the same thing again. Trust me the Next time I get invited in I am going for it and not just leave. In the end I am hung up on her and disappointed for 2 reasons.

    1 – While I don’t think a Relationship would have lasted a long time because of kids, etc, etc I believe that I blew it by how I acted so I kick myself in the ass for it and blame nobody but me.

    2 – We all have our type and I am pretty picky. On the surface she was Exactly My Type and while I have since been on other dates and talked to other woman online I have yet to meet or date anybody else who is as close to my type or someone I wanted something with more then her.

    Really sucks But I am Sure Eventually I will get over it. Who knows, she might contact me sometime but I am Not going to wait around for it. Tell you this though. When I do finally get that other job it will be hard not to reach out to her and ask her out again just to see what she says. Ya Never know 🙂

  18. Cowardly Penguin on February 24, 2015

    Ah reading this article allowed me to get over a woman who used to sit with me in physics class. Another missed opportunity :c.
    Now, I have been single all my life, and I think i know why. But, I’m not sure how i can fix it.
    When I realize i am interested in a particular woman, I noticed that I suddenly lose any form of competence. When she is around, my conversation becomes very awyward, my body language becomes very fidgety and rigid. I’m so scared that its literally as if I’m balancing a vial of nitroglycerin on my nose, and dropping it will blow me into a million fucking pieces.
    I’ve honed my physical appearance and that part is okay. I’m a competent communicator with anyone… except the woman who i am interested in. I have female platonic friends and I have no issue there whatsoever. I can be funny, I can be serious, all is fine. I’m an intelligent and successful college student. I’m on my way to become a MD. I can dance, been on a dance team. I dont get it one bit why I freeze up around a woman who i find attractive.
    In fact, it soon becomes blatantly obvious to the woman that Im interested in her, way too early before i can even make an impression. Ofc, at that point any effort is useless. It was worse before, I didnt even get the message till i got insulted by the girl. As a result, I dont even get friendzoned, I get branded as a creep :[.

    I’m not sure what I can do. I know this thread is about knowing when to move on, and that i’ve learned. But would appreciate any help. As pathetic as it may sound, I would really like to have a relationship with someone i like. Its stupid how much time I spend on it and get nowhere.

  19. joebrams on August 31, 2015

    Oh boy… sometimes it just feels impossible. Some men are naturally good at this (lots of men are) and they have absolutely no idea what a great gift they have… for those of us that struggle endlessly, the world is full of disappointment and wasted effort. I would say if you’re not good at it give up… find something better to do, but that is unrealistic advice, given we are unfortunately all programmed to want to do well in this area… hard wired unfortunately.

    All the past dates where I don’t find them attractive, all the dates neither of us are attracted… then the very few where you are feeling it… the girl doesn’t… and sometimes you only find that out when she doesn’t progress things… because from a date standpoint, it can seem to go brilliantly. They’re the most disappointing ones!

    But, to be honest… I don’t even think 3 strikes is needed:

    You say, “well you have my number” after first date.. its same as saying I want to meet you again. Nothing more needs to be done accept the normal pleasantries… “hope you got home ok”.. etc. if she want to take things further she will, otherwise her replies will be short and sweet and a waste of time. If you’re not getting progression from her… just pleasantries, forget it and move on is my advise. She’s unfortunately just not into you…

    … or what you could try (only if the date ended with a very good vibe)… just on the off chance it was a you vs another guy she was more into… and on the off chance things didn’t work out between them… you message her again about 1 or 2 weeks later… just to ask how she’s doing. Sometimes that breaths life into things… shows you’re still thinking about her… but because you didn’t message her for long enough time so you don’t look needy and desperate… even if all that time you really were secretly hoping she’d message you again… just make sure the message is short and sweet… 🙂

  20. Nik on September 8, 2015

    Great article.. Felt like had a therapy session in person with u Nick..
    But my episode was like this..
    Had an arranged meeting with the girl..
    We struck of pretty well on the 1st date..
    2nd date, time flew by & everything else went unnoticed..we have quite a lot of things in common & enjoyed each other’s company for the duration of the date..
    Chatted till the wee hours of the morning as well..
    Talked about each other’s concerns & what she could expect from the union, to which she was quote ”
    speechless..”unquote”..
    She even said.. It’s a dream come true to meet a man like me..
    The 3rd date was a short one.. As she was heading for work & we made way after she said.. She needed to think on it…
    Next I’m told by her parents.. That she is confused on settling in a different part of the world (Africa) & she would also like to pursue her career..
    On this.. I even said.. I would relocate myself
    To Dubai so she could stay close to her place of birth & she could get along with her career as well..I.e. Both her concerns are addressed & solved..
    Inspite of my earnest effort.. She hasn’t replied in affirmative or negative..
    what should I do in this scenario..?? I’m blank & in the dumps..

    • seymoure on September 14, 2015

      in response to Nik and his confused girl, in my humble opinion: first, all those about confused and pursuing career are nothing more than excuses to hide the REAL reason. Women are naturally trained to tell part of the story or beat around the bush and basically do everything except talking directly and in a straight forward manner about a subject. It also appears as thought she was ripe for the next man to come along whom she deemed appropriate to her needs, and at some point she decided that was you but then due to million and one reasons she decided otherwise. Again in my humble opinion and direct and indirect experience and I think Nick will agree, if a woman wants to be with a man she will cross rivers, mountains and even bars in a prison cell and make it happen. She will do what it takes as we all know where there is desire there is a way. Rest assured she is doing what she WANTS.