How To Make Eye Contact
With Attractive Women
Table Of Contents
Want to command attention and create instant connections? It all starts with your eyes.
Repeat after me…
You can’t make powerful connections without strong eye contact.
People judge you within a split second of meeting you, and your eye contact plays a huge role in how they feel about you. The right eye contact can make people feel drawn to you, while the wrong kind can push them away.
Your eyes show your emotions, from confidence to nervousness, and even attraction. When you first meet someone, your eye contact tells them how to feel around you. Will they feel comfortable and open, or awkward and guarded?
In this article, we’ll dive into why eye contact is so important, why it can be hard, and how to make strong eye contact with any woman, anywhere.
Why Men Struggle With This
Why do we struggle with eye contact? Why do we avoid it in the first place? I believe it’s a habit formed over many years.
Consider your younger self: there was likely a time when you didn’t even think about making eye contact. You just did it.
Children do this all the time. They’ll stare right at anybody, regardless of age or gender, and not even think twice. I would argue that almost all of us had a time when we were very good at eye contact, and something changed.
We started worrying about being judged, perceived a certain way, and felt intimidated by others. We didn’t want people to feel like we were doing something wrong, bothering them, or had nefarious intentions.
As a result, we consciously started avoiding eye contact with people. At first, we thought, “I don’t want to look too long” or “This is going to be weird.” We did that again and again, and before we knew it, it became the default mode of interaction with certain people.
I find that, especially for men, we do this with women we find attractive or men we feel are powerful or intimidating. We make up a story in our heads that claims that holding eye contact will be uncomfortable, awkward, and scary. We think it’s horrifying to gaze at a beautiful woman because it’s going to be a terrible situation.
That’s why many of us can still hold eye contact with people we’re comfortable with, but not with women. We’ve created a false narrative that says, “She is Medusa and I cannot look into her eyes. I can’t stare into the sun, or I’ll go blind.”
Mindsets
Mindset #1: The More You Avoid Eye Contact, The More You Fear It
This leads me to my first mindset: the more you avoid eye contact, the more you will fear it. The more you demonize eye contact, the more overwhelming and monstrous it will become.
The only way to get over this is to commit to looking at people, for real. Many people engage in what I call “half looking,” where you’re looking in someone’s general direction without really looking at their face and seeing how they are responding.
This is a hard concept to grasp, so let me use an example…
I had a client in Barcelona, Spain, who struggled with flirting and showing women interest. He said, “But I can make eye contact. See, I look at some women I’m interested in.”
However, I could tell that when he was doing it, he was just forcing himself to do it. He had a lot of anxiety and was stuck in his head the whole time. He wasn’t actually tuned into a woman’s face, emotions, and small expressions.
I advised him, “I want you to really look at these women. I want you to see the person inside, see them talk back, see how they light up when you say certain things, and see how they react.”
He was so afraid of seeing discomfort or disgust on women’s faces that he also missed all the good emotions, too.
This is just another thing you have to get used to in order to be a social creature.
If you’re afraid of seeing people’s negative emotions, they become infinitely more powerful than they actually are. I’ve seen many women not be interested in me. You may have had some dates where people didn’t want to follow up – it hurts, but it’s not the end of the world.
Interestingly enough, committing to truly looking people in the eyes will make it easier for you to relate to them. When you see emotions, you can’t help but feel them yourself. If you see warmth or joy, then you tend to get a little bit more warm and excited about the person.
If you’re not looking for those emotions, then you’re not going to feel anything good during your conversations. Your overwhelmed feelings say, “Don’t look at them. This is really scary. This is going to be awkward.”
Making eye contact and seeing how others respond to you will weaken your fears over time.
Mindset #2: Strong Eye Contact Is Healthy & Natural
The next mindset I want you to understand is this: what you are doing is healthy. Humans have been looking at each other for thousands of years. It is natural and essential to connection.
It’s okay to look at a woman and let her know you might be interested in her and you’re trying to get to know her. People are generally not upset by that. You have to believe that this is a normal, healthy process to building a relationship.
Say you’re attracted to a woman. If you avoid eye contact and don’t want her to see that you’re looking at her or trying to connect with her, she’s going to feel that.
Even unconsciously she’ll get the impression, “This guy doesn’t really want to connect with me. He’s hiding something. He’s ashamed of something. He’s avoiding getting to know me.” And that’s what makes people feel uncomfortable.
When you don’t make eye contact, you’re telling yourself other people are going to be weirded out by you. And then that becomes true in your mind because you have nothing to disprove it.
Avoiding eye contact and telling yourself others will be weirded out becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. By avoiding eye contact and never looking first, you miss out on warm reactions, people feeling flattered or excited to talk to you. Your mind concludes, “When I look at people, it will be weird.”
But, after a few attempts, you’ll see that many people respond warmly, react positively, and are happy to get to know you. Your brain starts to realize, “Plenty of people want to connect with me, and it’s okay to look at people and have them look back.”
If a woman tells you, “I’m busy” or “I have a boyfriend,” simply say, “No worries. Thanks for saying hi. Have a great day.” Most people are fine with that. Discomfort arises when you keep staring endlessly or persist in talking after they’ve expressed their boundaries.
Show people, “I’m excited to get to know you, even if it is romantically.” This builds trust and clarifies your intentions. It feels nice to be seen as interesting, attractive, smart, or desirable, even if someone might not like you.
Stop talking yourself out of opportunities before they’ve even had a chance to happen.
Now, let’s discuss practical tips for great eye contact.
Practical Tips
Tip #1: Make Eye Contact When You Introduce Yourself
The most important moment to make eye contact is in the first 5-10 seconds when you initiate conversation.
That is the time when someone will quickly judge, “Can this person look at me, and do I feel like they’re honest and present? Or are they uncomfortable, shifty, and awkward, making me unsure how to feel?”
Your eye contact (or lack thereof) sets the foundation in a very different way, depending on how you start off. People will either be relaxed, open, and more eager to talk to you, or they’ll be defensive, closed off, and unsettled because they clearly see you’re panicking and uncomfortable, which makes them uncomfortable, too.
When we notice someone is really anxious, we don’t know how they’re going to react. Some people may freak out, bail, or get angry.
So when you approach someone, give them strong eye contact within the first few seconds of meeting them so they feel, “Hey, this person’s here with me, and I can trust them a little bit more.”
Tip #2: Smile Once You Meet Eyes
When you initiate eye contact, it’s natural to smile at that point. It’s not always essential; you can have a neutral face or a smirk.
But if you make eye contact with people and remain very serious right at the beginning, it can come across as if you’re staring them down.
You don’t have to walk around pretending to smile or looking at people in a cheesy manner. But when you look over at somebody and they return your gaze, catching your attention, a smile should naturally come over you. You should think to yourself, “Hey, I want to get to know you. How are you doing?” and feel good about connecting with them.
Generally, a smile will start to appear. If you’re genuinely looking for their facial expressions and showing sincere interest, it’s like saying, “Cool, I’m excited to talk to you.”
Tip #3: Look At One Eye At A Time
When making eye contact, you generally want to look at one eye at a time. This is counterintuitive to many guys who try to look into both of someone’s eyes because they’re told to “make eye contact, look in their eyes.”
It’s really hard to focus on two focal points at once. It can make your eyes appear wide and unnatural.
When you go to break eye contact, do it gently and then move to the other eye if that feels more comfortable for you. You don’t have to keep looking at the same eye – it can feel a little weird.
Rotate between eyes and the nose or mouth. This is called triangular gazing, and it’s a good way to mix it up both for the other person and for yourself.
You might look at their right eye while talking, laughing, and hanging out for a bit. Then, you can think for a second, break eye contact, and go back to looking into the left eye. Maybe you talk for a while, then break eye contact again, think about something, and look at their mouth or nose.
Don’t get too obsessed about doing this rotation constantly. If you’re feeling uncomfortable looking at the person in one way for a long period, it’s okay to shift. Just keep it to those general areas.
Don’t look at the top of somebody’s forehead or their brow, as that’s an intimidation or dominance technique seen in the animal kingdom. It can feel like you’re about to attack them, and people can sense that.
Stick to the triangular gazing and your eye contact will feel welcoming and natural.
Tip #4: Hold Eye Contact When They Talk, Break When You Talk
During conversation, you should hold eye contact longer while someone else is talking and break it more frequently while you’re talking.
As an estimate, aim to look at them about 50% of the time when you’re talking and 70% of the time while they’re talking. Casually look away after roughly 3-5 seconds, and don’t hold eye contact for longer than 10 seconds.
For example, if a woman is telling you a story, you listen for about 5 seconds before she finishes her statement and has a natural pause. Then you respond to her, glance off to her side, and return to looking at her.
The reason why you want to hold strong eye contact while someone else is talking is to show that you’re present, interested in what they’re saying, and excited.
If you’re constantly breaking eye contact while they’re talking, saying things like, “Oh, yeah, cool, cool. Yeah, that sounds good,” they’ll feel like you’re checking out or they’re boring you.
If you break eye contact while you’re speaking and they’re listening, it doesn’t have the same negative effect. Instead, it feels like you’re thinking, trying to gather your words, or being thoughtful when you make a little less eye contact.
Tip #5: Don’t Break Eye Contact Quickly
When you go to break eye contact, make sure you do it casually. The worst thing you can do is quickly dart your eyes.
Sometimes during intense eye contact, you may feel, “I need to look away. I can’t even look at this person anymore. I’m going to freak out!” But you have to train yourself to calmly look past them and then look back. And just take a breath.
When you break eye contact abruptly, it shows panic, fear, and discomfort, making the other person feel the same way. As humans, we reciprocate and mirror body language.
If you are relaxed when you break eye contact and come back, it feels easygoing. It doesn’t feel like you’re doing it because things are getting too intense.
Not only will the speed of breaking eye contact dictate how it feels, but also the direction of the eye contact when you break it.
Tip #6: Don’t Break Eye Contact Downwards
It’s fine to break eye contact off to the side, past somebody, or directly to the side of them. Just don’t look down, as that’s the natural inclination for many guys when they get nervous.
When somebody tucks their head and looks down, it’s a very defensive position. This is what animals do when they’re getting attacked or wounded. They close up, protect their neck, and get smaller.
That sends a signal of, “Whoa, this person’s really feeling defensive or scared right now.” Even if people aren’t conscious of it, it’s just a gut feeling.
Exercises
Exercise #1: Develop A Natural Smile
Let’s talk about some practical exercises, starting with developing a natural smile.
There’s a fake smile and a real smile, and the difference is whether or not you smile with your eyes. People are incredibly perceptive at picking up on this.
If you smile and your lips go out straight, it looks like a fake smile. A real smile doesn’t just go horizontal; it tends to go out and up towards your eyes.
Instead of pulling with the muscles from the sides of your mouth, use the cheek muscles and pull so that your smile crinkles your eyes. Most of the time when guys are fake smiling, their eyes are not expressive or crinkled, and it feels disingenuous.
A great technique is the pencil trick (see my video here). Take a pencil, go in the mirror, put it right between your front teeth and bottom teeth, and clench down. It engages these muscles and naturally pulls your smile up.
Do this until you learn how it feels to use those muscles consistently. Take some selfies while trying the trick. Look up the “Duchenne smile” to see more examples.
I used to have a horrible natural smile, which is why I hated taking photos of myself. But now, I’ve made the whole face smile my default. When I laugh or am warm with people, my body’s been trained to smile that way, and it’s easier for people to reciprocate.
Exercise #2: Practice Soft Eye Contact Using A Mirror
The next exercise is to practice soft eye contact using a mirror. Natural eye contact is soft, meaning you’re not putting any real intention behind looking at the object – you’re not straight up glaring at it.
Hard eye contact is when you’re really focused, trying to stare at something. When you’re doing this, your eyes tend to widen, pull back, and bulge a little bit. Your face gets stiff and looks scary.
This is what happens with many guys when they first start thinking about eye contact. They’re so afraid of looking away or not making good eye contact that they put a lot of intention behind it, but end up appearing kind of intense.
Soft eye contact happens when we casually glance and look at something. If somebody calls your name and you look over, you’re not going to immediately stare intensely. You’ll just look over and say, “What’s up, man?”
To train soft eye contact, do this exercise in a mirror. First, pick something in the mirror or your room behind you. Close your eyes, look away, and think about some serious thoughts or get a little upset or serious. Then, look over and really stare that object down. See how your face looks.
Next, shake your head out, close your eyes, and try to relax. Think of something good, positive, exciting, or a place that makes you happy. After a few seconds, gently open your eyes. As you open your eyes, you’re not forcefully looking; you’re just opening your eyes and happening to look in that direction. You’re not staring or needing to focus.
That’s soft eye contact – there’s no tension in your eyes.
If you combine a natural smile with relaxed eyes, that’s what makes people feel comfortable.
You can practice these things: the smiling technique by pulling your smile upward or using the pencil technique, and hard or soft eye contact in the mirror by staring and looking gently.
If you can get those two things down, when people first meet eyes with you, you’ll look warm, chill, inviting, and still very confident.
Exercise #3: Try Eye Contact Drills In Stages
Let’s talk about eye contact drills so you get used to holding eye contact with strangers. You can do this in stages.
Most men think, “I have to get good at eye contact with women,” and then they see a woman and think, “I have to look at her, stare at her, smile, and hold it. Oh God, this is so intimidating!”
Then these guys can’t follow through or put so much pressure on themselves that when the woman looks up, they panic. If you find this to be the case, find smaller steps to get there.
Here are four smaller steps:
- Practice eye contact in passing. As you walk in a store, mall, or street and somebody walks towards you, look up and smile when they’re about six feet away. You can say, “Hi,” but you don’t have to. Naturally, you’ll break eye contact in a second because you’re moving past each other. You can do this with anybody you want. This is a safe way to get some initial exposure.
- Pick somebody who is less intimidating than a beautiful woman when you’re out in the world. That could be a man, couple, older woman, or even someone working like a cashier or barista. Make brief eye contact for a second, nod or greet them as they look back, and then look away. This gets you more comfortable making eye contact with someone who will still be in the same room as you.
- Increase the duration. Start holding eye contact for at least 2-3 seconds or until the other person looks away first.
- Hold eye contact with attractive women. Look at a woman you’re interested in, she looks back at you, you both smile, and you hold it until she’s the first person to look away. Then you can look away.
There is no other secret to good eye contact. You need to consistently practice until it becomes second nature.
Before you know it, you’ll feel great about looking at people and in turn, seeing how many are excited to look right back at you.
