3 Mindsets That Make You Better at Sex
Dave Perrotta is a Boston friend and dating coach who embodies the “just do it” mentality. Since he cold emailed me for an interview on his old podcast, I became inspired by his thirst for adventure.
After college, Dave did what most people only dream of. He started living around the world and joined communities of people doing the same thing. He’s hosted podcasts, coaches men, publishes awesome content on his site, and has written three books.
His last book, Conversation Casanova, focused on the mindsets of being a great conversationalist. He didn’t just give you examples to mimic. He provided the tools to express your most attractive self for honest, engaging conversations.
His new book, The Hook Up Handbook, aims to give you those same mindsets so you can become an amazing sexual partner in the bedroom.
Sex is about more than just the physical act.
To have consistently great sex, you need to build healthy sexual mindsets. A good mindset ensures more fulfilling intimate experiences. A poor mindset can result in low sexual confidence and pursuing sex for all the wrong reasons.
It’s time you take your sexual mentality seriously – and today I’m sharing three simple yet powerful mindsets that will completely elevate your sex life.
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1. “I can enjoy a woman’s presence without the need for sex.”
A common worry for women going home with a guy for the first time is…
“Is he going to be mad at me if we don’t have sex?”
Women know what the general expectation is when they’re agreeing to some one-on-one time at his place. But, usually due to negative past experiences, they’re concerned that if they’re not completely ready for sex, the guy will get frustrated or angry.
The guys who get mad don’t have the right mindset.
It’s healthy to want sex and I encourage you to show your sexual interest. But you should accept if a woman’s not ready to have sex that night.
Instead, you should be enjoying her presence without the need for sex. You should be building trust and comfort without any pressure. You accepting her boundaries puts her at ease and reassures her you have her best interests in mind.
The funny thing is, when you actually care about a woman’s comfort — that often makes her want to be intimate with you in those moments.
There are two ways to develop the correct mindset…
1) Remind yourself that she’s a new, interesting person, and not simply a means to get sex.
Embrace and enjoy her feminine presence. Be curious about who she is and why you want to connect with her. Immerse yourself in the experience of being around her — that can be refreshing and exhilarating in itself.
2) Develop abundance with women.
When you know you can meet and attract beautiful women with relative ease, then you know it’s not the end of the world if you don’t have sex with one girl on a particular night. Of course, developing abundance with women is easier said than done, but there plenty of resources to help you do that (and a whole host of articles on this website!).
Here’s an example of what you can say to a girl to demonstrate this mindset:
If she says something like, “You know we’re not having sex tonight, right?” or, “We can go back to your place, but no sex,” then you can say, “That’s cool, I don’t have any expectations.”
This puts her at ease and makes her feel like she’s not opting into some unspoken contract if she goes back to your place.
2. “I won’t always perform at my best sexually, and that’s okay.”
No matter how great you are at sex or how much you master the sex fundamentals, there will be times when you come up short in the bedroom.
Perhaps you have trouble getting it up, making it last, or simply don’t put on your best performance.
That’s okay – it happens. Even if you can perform well most of the time, you’ll occasionally have an off day. Nobody is perfect and women don’t expect you to be.
(This is especially true early on. Women don’t expect sex to be amazing the first few times. They understand that you’re getting to know each other’s preferences, so they’ll usually give you a few sessions to find your rhythm.)
And so, a mindset like this is key. It allows you to accept the fact you won’t always have great sex every time, which takes the pressure off of you. You’ll no longer feel like it’s the end of the world if you finish too soon. And if something like this does happen, you’ll react calmly and the girl won’t feel like it’s a big deal, either.
The result? You’re in your own head less and you can focus on enjoying great sex.
Here are a few things you can do to develop this mindset…
1) Practice vulnerability
If you come too quickly during sex and say, “I can’t believe this! This never happens. Trust me, I’m a lot better than this!” the girl is going to feel like it probably does happen all the time. What’s more, you’ll be resisting the current situation instead of accepting it.
It’s far better to practice vulnerability by staying composed and being honest with the girl.
For example, if you come too early, you can say, “Ah, I lost control there. The way you rode me drove me crazy.”
If you can’t get it up, you can say “I guess I’m just a little nervous/tired/drunk right now. Let’s chill out and try again in a little while (or in the morning).”
The most important thing is to keep a calm, nonchalant attitude about it. If you don’t make it a big deal, then she won’t make it a big deal. And when you try again later, you can perform at a higher level.
2) Don’t take yourself too seriously
If you take yourself too seriously, one mistake can cause you to question yourself and your ability and you’ll end up in a sexual rut. It’ll go from a one-time problem to a cycle of average or below-average sex. You’ll be stuck in own your head.
Instead, recognize that stuff like this is a natural part of life. You don’t need to beat yourself up for one subpar performance.
It’s easier said than done to not take yourself too seriously. But one thing you can do is laugh at your mishaps from time to time. Not just with sex, but with any area of life (you can watch stand up comedy to help you with this).
Also recognize that as you improve in the bedroom, you might have some awkward “learning” moments along the way — but it’s all part of the experience. And each of those learning moments will help you improve in the long run…and hey, they may even make for some funny stories to look back on.
3. “I can give women an amazing sexual experience.”
Many men have low or average sexual confidence. They’re uncertain about their ability to pleasure a woman and give her an unforgettable experience.
If you’re insecure about your sexual ability, girls will pick up on it. They’ll notice how you hesitate to lead, lack dominance, and fail to infuse sexuality into the conversation. You’ll also tend to subconsciously sabotage yourself in your interactions so that you prevent sex from even happening.
The mindset of, “I can give women an amazing sexual experience,” is the opposite of that uncertainty. It empowers you to be a sexual man that leads her through the stages of an interaction with confidence.
Not only will it make you better at sex, but it’ll also help you to have more sex in general.
Here are some ways you can develop this mindset…
1) Actively try to improve your sexual ability
If you’re not naturally great at sex (and most guys aren’t), then you have two choices. You can 1) hope that you randomly improve as you get older, or 2) actively try to learn more so that it’s not just a matter of chance.
To develop this mindset, you should take the active route. Read up on the subject, try new techniques, and have authentic conversations with the women you sleep with. Discussing your dislikes, likes, and kinks with each other only leads to better sex.
Approach sex with an open mind and check your ego. Be willing to take feedback from women and ask questions to more experienced guys.
2) Find a steady sexual partner
If you haven’t had a lot of sex, it’s difficult to be confident that you can do it well (no matter how much knowledge you consume on the subject).
Even if it’s just a casual friends with benefits situation, finding a compatible sexual partner will teach you much more than reading ever will. Developing mutual trust with someone is key to having an open dialogue about sex and discovering what pleases them.
In this comfortable environment, you’ll get better at sex, naturally start to last longer, and learn how to provide amazing orgasms.
For more information on attracting a sexual partner in the first place, check out the articles below:
- A Healthy Guide to Casual Relationships (And Meaningful Sex)
- The Importance of Setting Healthy Expectations
- How to Talk to Girls and Get Them Attracted
Most men never consider their sexual mindsets and they end up falling into cycles of bad sex; or, they miss out altogether on sexual opportunities with women they desire.
So just by learning the mindsets listed here, you’ll already be ahead of the majority of guys. You’ll be on the path to having more sex and better sex with high-quality women.
Bonus for Nick Notas readers
I just published my new book about the fundamentals of sex and for this week only you can get it for just 99 cents.
In it, you’ll learn:
- 3 “hacks” to unlock your natural sexual vibe and become irresistible to women
- The 10 best sex positions to make her orgasm (illustrations included)
- 6 secrets to lasting longer in bed
- And much more…
You can get it for 99 cents below:
The Hook Up Handbook: 28 Sex Fundamentals to Give Her Mind-Blowing Orgasms