How to Give Women the Sex They Really Want

August 28th, 2013 by Nick Notas 22 Comments

Licking Her Lips

Most men suck at sex. There, I said it.

But to be honest, it’s not all our fault. The resources that exist to teach men are generally awful. We have:

  • Porn, most of which is unrealistic. Freakishly massive dongs that thrust full force for 15 minutes, fingerblasting, and girls faking orgasms left and right. Even the majority of amateur stuff is a poor educator.
  • Friends who often give bad advice because they don’t know better themselves.
  • Advice that focuses only on “techniques”. While some are useful, many are overkill or wrong. You don’t need 43 ways to lick a clitoris.

They’re all missing the real core of what defines an amazing lover…

How you make a woman feel.

The emotional climax you bring her to. How you turn her on to the point where she can’t even hold back her orgasm. Where she’s so sexually charged that you unleash her primal state.

The good thing is, any man can learn how to become an amazing lover — regardless of penis size.

Note: This is a graphic post. The links and content below are NSFW.

    1. Create variety. It’s the spice of life and the bedroom. I know many women say they always enjoy missionary position but human biology is attracted to new. And we often can’t know what we’ll enjoy until we experience it ourselves.

      Change it up sometimes. Role play. Let her take control. Have phone or video sex when you’re apart. Tie each other up or use a blindfold. Turn off the lights and have sex by candlelight. Put on sexy instrumental music. Use a toy…or two.

      Be spontaneous. Try new positions. Try new places — both indoors and out. I’ve had sex against the wall, on countertops, on laundry machines, in showers, and in jacuzzis. I’ve also gotten hot in cars, in clubs, in a lake, at the park, on the beach (sand sucks), and in public bathrooms (not proud of this).

      Yes, I’m aware that having sex in public is against the law. I’m not saying you have to do that (although it can be a rush). The point is to open your mind to sexual possibilities and realize how fun it is to experiment together.

    2. Build sexual tension throughout the day. Foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts in the morning when you stroke her ass as she’s lying next to you. It continues in the afternoon when you send her flirtatious and dirty texts.

      It’s when you rub her thighs on the drive to a restaurant. When you’re at the restaurant and play footsie under the table. And when you’re leaving and whisper exactly what you’re going to do to her once you get home.

      You want her panties soaked and her mind stirring before the real foreplay begins. Do that and she’ll barely be able to restrain herself.

    3. Have lots of foreplay. You’re probably not doing enough of it. While us men are ready to go in 30 seconds or less, most women need to be primed. The more turned on she gets before sex, the wetter and better it’ll feel for both parties.

      Take your time and tease the hell out of her. Kiss every inch of her body from her neck down to her thighs. Rub her crotch over her panties. Take her panties off slowly. Relish in the feeling of her soft skin.

      Go down on her. Lick around her lips, then on them, and move to her clit. Don’t listen to the “draw the alphabet” advice. For beginners, start with a circular motion and apply consistent gentle pressure. Make sure your tongue is wet. Increase firmness and speed as she gets worked up. Her moans will give you guidance.

      There’s no specific duration of foreplay but 10-15 minutes is a minimum. Some sessions can last for much longer.

    4. Be dominant. While this doesn’t apply to everyone, the overwhelming majority of women crave a dominant partner. Keep in mind, dominance and romance are not mutually exclusive. I personally haven’t met a girl who didn’t like being taken in the bedroom. Women don’t want a timid boy, they want a man who fucks them.

      Of course, this is a touchy subject. The last thing you want to do is scare a woman or make her uncomfortable. That’s why you always talk to her about what she likes and what she’s comfortable with. And you’re always conscious of her body language.

      So how far do you go as a dominant? That depends on what you both want.

      Some beginner ideas are grabbing her by the waist and taking her suddenly. Pulling her clothes off aggressively. Pressing her up against a wall. Pinning her body or wrists down. Hard thrusting. Dirty talk. Grabbing her legs, spreading them, and putting them over your shoulders. Biting. Spanking. Tugging the base of her hair. Light bondage. 

      Then there are more hardcore avenues which require even deeper trust and communication. Things like vulgar dirty talk, rape fantasy, choking, gagging, spitting, slapping, flogging, humiliation, and orgasm denial. Everyone has their own level of kink.

      Finally, always have a safe word. I saw a good system I like — red, yellow, green. Red is “stop.” Yellow is “back off a little, but don’t stop.” Green is “give me more!”

      For thorough reading on being a dominant lover and venturing into BDSM, I recommend The Loving Dominant, Sm 101, and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. Also, this free three-part guide is brilliant.

Energizer Bunny Keep Going

    1. Last longer. Just like foreplay, intercourse should never be rushed (unless there’s only time for a quickie). It’s highly debated but the average guy lasts 3-7 minutes while I’ve found the average woman wants and needs more — about 10-15 minutes. Stop thinking about just getting off and appreciate the journey.

      If it’s an endurance issue, there are many ways to train yourself. Take deep breaths and relax your body in the moment. Change positions when things get too intense. Find positions that you last longer in. Masturbate before hooking up with a girl. When you masturbate, take your time to orgasm. Build yourself up to the edge, back off, then build it up again.

    2. Laugh. Sex should be fun and if you can’t laugh with your partner, you’re doing it wrong. I’ve said silly things in the moment. I’ve made absurd faces. And I’ve giggled with girls at queefs. Don’t take it too seriously and both of you will have a better time.
    3. Desire her. Have you heard of Rocco Siffredi? He’s one of the most famous adult film stars and has won nearly 40 AVN awards (the Oscars of adult cinema). Again, porn is not an accurate representation of the real world but he does one thing that transcends his films…

      He desires women more than anyone else. He looks at them, talks to them, and touches them as if he can’t contain his lust. He makes every girl feel like she’s the sexiest woman on the planet. He’s passionate and romantic in the midst of some brutal scenes.

      Think it’s all acting? It’s not. He’s gained a reputation for being the actor porn starlets seek out and love having sex with. Actress Bobbi Starr said, “Any girl in the industry who has been with him… will tell you that they have done things with him that they would never do with anyone else.”

      Siffredi has said, “I want to see emotion…excitement…the eyes going up from being surprised.” He claims to watch a woman’s eyes every time he penetrates her. He insists that he remembers every single woman with whom he’s had intimate relations.

      Get turned on by a woman and the female form. This is especially effective if you have sexual anxiety. Instead of worrying about if you’ll be “good enough”, focus on how hot she is and how much you crave her.

      Appreciate her body. Look at it like you want to devour her. Stare deep into her eyes while you enter her. Kiss her with passion. Breathe hard and be vocal. Tell her how beautiful she looks and how you have to have her. Embrace your primal instincts.

Rocco Siffredi

    1. Don’t beg for sex. It’s pathetic and unattractive. No woman wants to feel like sex is a chore or obligation. If you can’t put in the effort to turn her on and engage her emotions, then you don’t deserve her intimacy.
    2. Encourage her sexuality through communication. Great sex doesn’t happen by accident. It happens with honest discussions, positive reinforcement, and dropping your inferiority complex. Good partners have an insatiable appetite to give their woman the best sex possible.

      Together, you have to open up about expectations, needs, and desires. I know it’s not easy — many of us are overcoming sexual shame that has been instilled since we were young.

      Ask her what positions she enjoys. How she likes you to play with her clit. See what she’s always wanted to try. Invite her to share her wildest fantasies and fetishes. Create a safe, judgement-free environment where she’s enthusiastic to grow with you. The best compliment I’ve been given is “you helped me discover my sexual side.”

      Contrary to popular belief, sex should only get better with a partner as time goes on.

    3. Relaxation is the key to coming.Tension is the #1 orgasm blocker. It’s estimated that 90% of all orgasm problems are psychological in nature. So you can guarantee she won’t come if she’s nervous, pressured, stuck in her head, or feeling judged.

      You need to immerse her in the moment. This is where being patient and having lots of foreplay comes in. Caress her body to release all the tension in her muscles. Instruct her to breathe softly, sink into the bed, and close her eyes. Tell her to focus only on the pleasure she’s feeling right then.

      When you’re having sex, give her positive encouragement. Express how perfect her soft canal feels. Share how much she’s turning you on. Reinforce what a good girl she is. Encourage her to embrace all her naughty thoughts and emotions.

      And if she doesn’t orgasm during a session, don’t get hurt or pissed off. She’s probably disappointed or ashamed — and she needs your support. Offer to please her another way. Let her know that her orgasm isn’t the end all be all and you had a great experience anyway. Get excited with her about trying to bring her there next time.

      For a woman to orgasm with you, she needs to trust you.  If you get frustrated or make her feel bad, she’s going to dry up.

    4. Don’t immediately apologize or ask if she liked it. This is a huge buzzkill. If you ejaculate prematurely, finish her off with your tongue and fingers. Don’t pester her about whether or not she came as soon as you finish. Let her relax and enjoy the moment. You can discuss what she liked, didn’t like, and what to improve later.
    5. Do anal right. The worst way to get her to want it is to force it on her. She has to desire it. Make it all about her enjoyment and mean it. Don’t pressure or guilt her to do it as a favor!

      It can take many sessions for a girl to warm up to the idea. She might have had terrible past experiences. She might be worried it’s going to be dirty or gross. She might just not want it at all, ever.

      Tell her how sexy her ass is. Worship it. Kiss and massage her cheeks. Let her bask in the sensations. Tell her how beautiful it looks while you’re deep inside her.

      Rub the entrance to her ass lightly while you’re going down on her or taking her from behind. If she’s comfortable and moaning, gently press the tip of your finger in. Before actual anal, it’s best to practice with fingers and smaller toys (and lots of lube).

      When you’re both ready for the full experience, take it SLOW and GENTLE. Again, you want a ton of lube because the anus doesn’t get wet like a vagina.

      Don’t go further than an inch or so when you first enter her. There’s an internal involuntary sphincter that must relax on its own. Keep your tip in there for a minute or two while kissing or rubbing her body. Then gradually work your way in. If you do all that, it should be painless and pleasure filled.

    6. Figure out what makes her come. 10-15% of women have have never had an orgasm. Up to 50% achieve orgasm infrequently and are dissatisfied with how often they reach orgasm. This is a huge frustration for men but you have to stop taking it personally. Each woman is different and you have to be patient in figuring out what works for her.

      Some women come quickly and often. Some take longer and come once. Some can only come through direct clitoral stimulation. Others need a combination of clitoral and vaginal and even anal stimulation. Only 25% of women come from intercourse alone and without the use of fingers, a tongue, or toys.

      Talk to her about which way really gets her off. If she’s unsure, experiment together in various sessions. Encourage her to play with herself or use a toy while in her. Some men get angry when a girl wants to use a vibrator. To that I say, get over your insecurity. She wants to use it with YOU while having sex with YOU. You should be happy to help her come in any way possible.

Great sex is absolutely critical for healthy, sustainable romantic relationships. If you want a woman to stick around, stay loyal, and stay satisfied…

You have to give her the sex she really wants.

I’ll never forget the first time I shared my above philosophies on sex. It was to a friend who had gotten out of a four year relationship where the sex was dull and rare. He started seeing a new girl and wanted to make sure things got off on the right foot.

A week later he calls me with panic in his voice. He said, “Dude…what the hell is going on?”

At this point, I’m nervous that I somehow screwed up his chances with the new girl.

He continued, “We had sex three times last night. I was so sore and exhausted I passed out. Then she woke me up at 5AM and wanted to go again!”

I laughed and breathed a sigh of relief. I simply replied, “Smile. That’s a damn good problem to have.”

If you enjoyed this guide, please share it or comment below!

  1. Joel on August 28, 2013

    Wow…just wow. You covered so much of what I needed to hear. Reading this made me extremely motivated to meet more people and put myself out there. I want to rock a girl’s world haha

    Now I just have to brush up on your approaching articles…

    • Nick Notas on August 28, 2013

      Sex is a very powerful motivator. While it shouldn’t be the only thing you strive for, it’s something to get excited about.

      Start introducing yourself to women and you’ll be halfway there!

  2. Brianne on August 28, 2013

    Umm…I probably shouldn’t have clicked this at work. Now I’m horny and can’t do anything about it 🙁

    So my boyfriend and I have a good sex life but I do wish he was more aggressive in bed. How do you think I should bring up these ideas to him?

    Thanks Nick!

    • Nick Notas on August 28, 2013

      Well now you can take that pent-up sexual energy and have an epic session tonight 🙂

      It depends on the guy but you want to make sure he doesn’t feel insufficient or threatened. Start small, in the moment, and with positive encouragement. Guide him gently.

      Express how irresistible he is on top of you and how sexy he makes you feel. Move his hands to your hips. Tell him you want him to grab you and take you as his woman. Be vocal and use words like “more” and “harder” to get him revved up in the moment.

      If he can already do that, bring it to the next level. Move his hands to your hair and encourage him to grab it lightly. Ask him to reveal how much he wants to fuck you. Rinse and repeat with other aspects of domination.

      A lot of times, you just need to let him know that this is what you want. Some guys are afraid or inexperienced and will embrace it once they have your reassurance.

      If you’re making progress during sessions, then you should also bring it up outside of them. Start by saying how hot he got you and open up about new ideas you want him to try.

      Hope that helps!

  3. Jack on August 28, 2013

    Awesome post, Nick. Way to give a straight up, realistic, effective, no BS approach to sex. Couldn’t have said it much better myself 🙂

    • Nick Notas on August 28, 2013

      Thanks Jack, that’s the way I like it. Glad you enjoyed the read 🙂

  4. chydy on August 28, 2013

    “When you masturbate, take your time. Build yourself up to the edge, back off, then build it up again.” do u mean building it up again without coming. And this article is really explosive..thx for the insight nick

    • Nick Notas on August 28, 2013

      You definitely still want to come. I meant to pace yourself, build the pleasure to the edge a few times, and then release. Practice being in control of your orgasms.

      Thanks for commenting! I added a few words that should clarify it for others.

  5. duparcg on August 28, 2013

    great post. Nick what can you say to make her want to have sex. let’s say you are in the leaving room with a potential date. some sentences or words you could you to make her feel arouse and think about sex??? just like the girl on top. she read the post and felt completely horny…how can you create that reaction with words in a conversation????

    • Nick Notas on August 28, 2013

      If you have a girl back at your place, she’s likely already into you. I’d focus on going for the kiss and creating physical contact. While words are extremely powerful, physical is even more so.

      Once you started kissing, keep escalating your touches and the progression to sex will happen naturally. Check out:

      • duparcg on August 28, 2013

        thx for the advice. i will actually be at her place. it is the type of situation where we both know there is something between us but we are both holding back because she has a bf and i have a gf. however every time we see each other at meetings we hug really tight for a long time and look each other in the eye so passionately, as if we cannot wait to screw each other brains out. i know she is very attracted to me and has sex in her mind, i can tell with her body language …etc. Here is the thing: she is a designer so i took advantage and ask her if she can design a dress for my niece. we are supposed to meet this week end at her place to discuss it. this is the perfect opportunity to make my move as we will be alone for the first time. I don’t know if you ever been in that situation with a woman that you barely spoke with. the sexual tension between us is so thick that i feel like if we are definitely going to have sex if we happen to be alone in a room. I can feel it. I am just thinking of good topics that can turn her on in a conversation before we even get to kissing when i see her..

        • Nick Notas on August 28, 2013

          Continue what you’ve been doing. Smile, focus on laughing, and enjoy the time together.

          If the sexual tension is as thick as you say, you’re already good. Don’t overthink it! Go for a kiss during the date and things will progress.

  6. Adam on August 28, 2013

    Nick, this is a beastly blog post, no joke, hugely impressed. Well done.

    • Nick Notas on August 28, 2013

      Thanks man, I put a ridiculous amount of work into it. Didn’t expect it but this ended upbringing the most comprehensive guide I’ve written on the site.

  7. Carl (UK) on August 28, 2013

    Great, practical and REAL advice as always. Great read ! Carlos. :-0

  8. Rana on August 28, 2013

    Hi ! Brother I love your articles . It was very helpful article. I want to know , do you have some article about online dating and success in online dating ?

  9. Aaron Richards on September 3, 2013

    Awesome. Finally something worth learning…and learning from. Nice to get some great advice from someone who actually KNOWS what he’s talking about.

  10. Tenchi Masaki on December 5, 2013

    Hey dude,

    What would you say to a guy who feels guilty after having casual sex? I love sex and I don’t want to feel guilty but I grew up in an enviroment where sex was considered negative, so I guess it’s having an impact on me and I don’t want it to ruin my game. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Thanks in advance.

  11. Mike on March 8, 2016

    Hey Nick,

    Great guide, I agree most guys are wasted by all those years of porn and when they finally get down to do it themselves, they’re completely lost.

    At that point they have to rebuild themselves from scratch and undo the damage.

    –Mike

  12. Daniel on March 16, 2016

    Nick, your advice is thorough and very useful as always. I recently stopped watching porn, and it has done wonders for me! One of my exes and I used to keep a running list of places we wanted to have sex – an airplane (nothing like the Mile High Club if you can pull it off), in the woods, atop a mountain, against a Vegas hotel window.

    A few questions – what do you do when you can’t finish on the second time (its usually harder for me to finish after we had sex a few times)?

    Also, I really struggle with communicating during sex, especially with saying phrases like “I want you to feel as relaxed as possible” or “I can’t wait to ravage your body”. These statements don’t feel genuine and fairly awkward for me. Should I push through and keep trying to do it until it becomes natural?