Ask the Specialist: Overcoming Jealousy
I’ve been wanting to do a post on jealousy for a while now, and I was encouraged by this recent e-mail. Jealousy poisons our relationships and manifests as resentment and anger without us even realizing it. To conquer it, we have to strive to overcome insecurities to strengthen the bond with our partners.
Yesterday I went to see the Midnight in Paris movie – the dialogue between the main protagonist and the Hemingway character regarding fear and love was the highlight for me. I realized I had screwed up a 10 month relationship due to my weak ass jealousies and low self esteem/confidence. The dialogue in the movie made me realize that I need to be passionate with the woman I am with.
I cannot be passionate with her when my mind is partially thinking about her past relationships. I have done this almost every other day and have shared my downer thoughts with my girlfriend every week for the last eight months. Of course, this bs of mine stops both of us from being completely passionate for each other. I finally ended our relationship last night and want to ensure I don’t make the same mistakes again.
I don’t want to dwell on my partner’s past relationships; I noticed that this was on your list of what a confident man does/does not. Do you have any suggestions or good reads for me around this subject?
When you’re in a relationship, you have to focus on the now and where you guys are going together. I struggled with jealousy issues growing up and damaged many of my relationships because of it. I was insecure about myself and felt threatened by men who weren’t even in their lives anymore.
You’ve got to ask yourself, why? Why worry about what happened in the past? She’s with you now and that’s what matters. Not only that, she’s dating you and not them for a reason. That means she willingly chose to be with you over anyone else. That’s a huge confidence booster right there.
Learn to accept the inevitable, I did and it set me free. As you get older, the girls you’re going to date will most likely have a history — there’s no way around it. But, the beauty is they have learned from those mistakes and all those experiences have made them the person you care about today. Without them, they might be someone different and your paths may have never crossed.
“The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads.” – Dorothy Dix
Your girlfriend didn’t care about those other guys, you did. By stressing about it on a constant basis, you’re going to burden not only yourself, but your partners as well. You are your own self-fulfilling prophecy: if you talk about it, you give it authority and power. If you eliminate it from your own mind, then the problem rectifies itself.
If you’re looking for a good read, check out Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Dr. Richard Carlson. He’s a brilliant author and his writing has helped me in rough times.