nicknotas

DATING AND CONFIDENCE CONSULTANT

Ask the Specialist: Overcoming Jealousy

August 2nd, 2011 by Nick Notas 4 Comments

JealousyI’ve been wanting to do a post on jealousy for a while now, and I was encouraged by this recent e-mail. Jealousy poisons our relationships and manifests as resentment and anger without us even realizing it. To conquer it, we have to strive to overcome insecurities to strengthen the bond with our partners.

Yesterday I went to see the Midnight in Paris movie – the dialogue between the main protagonist and the Hemingway character regarding fear and love was the highlight for me. I realized I had screwed up a 10 month relationship due to my weak ass jealousies and low self esteem/confidence. The dialogue in the movie made me realize that I need to be passionate with the woman I am with.

I cannot be passionate with her when my mind is partially thinking about her past relationships. I have done this almost every other day and have shared my downer thoughts with my girlfriend every week for the last eight months. Of course, this bs of mine stops both of us from being completely passionate for each other. I finally ended our relationship last night and want to ensure I don’t make the same mistakes again.

I don’t want to dwell on my partner’s past relationships; I noticed that this was on your list of what a confident man does/does not. Do you have any suggestions or good reads for me around this subject?

When you’re in a relationship, you have to focus on the now and where you guys are going together. I struggled with jealousy issues growing up and damaged many of my relationships because of it. I was insecure about myself and felt threatened by men who weren’t even in their lives anymore.

You’ve got to ask yourself, why? Why worry about what happened in the past? She’s with you now and that’s what matters. Not only that, she’s dating you and not them for a reason. That means she willingly chose to be with you over anyone else. That’s a huge confidence booster right there.

Learn to accept the inevitable, I did and it set me free. As you get older, the girls you’re going to date will most likely have a history — there’s no way around it. But, the beauty is they have learned from those mistakes and all those experiences have made them the person you care about today. Without them, they might be someone different and your paths may have never crossed.

“The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads.” – Dorothy Dix

Your girlfriend didn’t care about those other guys, you did. By stressing about it on a constant basis, you’re going to burden not only yourself, but your partners as well. You are your own self-fulfilling prophecy: if you talk about it, you give it authority and power. If you eliminate it from your own mind, then the problem rectifies itself.

If you’re looking for a good read, check out Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Dr. Richard Carlson. He’s a brilliant author and his writing has helped me in rough times.

To the rest of you, if you ever have any questions or even just want to talk, please shoot me an e-mail or hit me up on Twitter!

  1. Taz @ Climb the Rainbow on August 5, 2011

    Exactly.

    A woman’s ex-boyfriends are her ex-boyfriends for a reason. Having been with a jealous type myself in the past, I can vouch for the fact that there is nothing more annoying than someone harping on about your old relationships when they’re well in the past.

    Of all of the 3 billion or so men in the world, you are the one who your girlfriend chooses to sleep next to every night. Think about that next time you’re worried about her old relationships 🙂

  2. Nick on March 5, 2014

    This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you for this, Nick! – I feel like you produce precisely those extra thoughts that my own mind lacks 😉

  3. J on July 24, 2014

    I once read a quote that said “To be jealous is to love somebody as if you hated them.” Just found that interesting.

  4. Rob on February 3, 2015

    What if your girlfriend is the one who is jealous? Like sneaking around in the middle of the night reading my text messages, and waking me up screaming and cursing because I texted a female friend about a group run I was doing the next day. I’ve since been dumped by this girl, but how do you deal with a girl who basically tells you to drop one of your female friends or makes your life miserable if you don’t?