4 Questions to Ask Yourself When She Doesn’t Text Back

November 7th, 2011 by Nick Notas 4 Comments

Dawson's Creek Crying

You meet this amazing girl at the bar and really hit it off. You get her number and your friends all agree, she’s totally into you. You can’t wait to see her again.

You shoot her a text the next day and don’t get a response. You double-check your sent folder and think, did you say something stupid? Or, maybe she does respond, but it’s aloof and doesn’t sound at all like the cool girl you met last night. No matter how witty your texts are, you can’t get her to agree to hang out with you sometime.

So what went wrong?

I used to think that getting her number meant it was pretty much a done deal that she’d want to see me again. When things didn’t work out, I would stress over what I could’ve done better and even get a little discouraged. What I’ve discovered over the years is that if you’re not getting a positive response from her, it reflects more on your first interaction than anything else.

Ask yourself the following:

Are you talking to her long enough?

If you find a girl you like and conversation is flowing, don’t be afraid to spend time with her. Guys who leave after 10 minutes and expect her to remember them as more than just “the bar guy” will struggle to keep her interested later on. If you spend an hour and have a great time together, she’s much more likely to see you again.

Are you coming off like you only want sex?

It’s perfectly okay to bring up sex or sexual topics — in fact, I encourage it. You both enjoy sex and if you like her in a romantic way, there’s no need to hide your intentions. You don’t have to be explicit but sharing your sexual interests and throwing in a few flirty innuendos never hurts.

The problem is that guys often don’t understand the difference between coming off as a sexual man versus coming off as a “player”. If you flirt with the girl a lot but don’t build a real enough connection, she ends up feeling like you only want her for physical reasons.

Even if you’re looking for casual sex with her, that’s fine. A girl just wants to feel that you like her for her and not just because she’s hot. There has to be some substance of why you’re interested. When you text her to hang out after she’s sobered up, she thinks you’re expecting to get laid right away. It puts a lot of pressure on her and can make her reconsider.

So how do you create sexual chemistry without looking like you only want sex? That’s where the next question comes in.

Are you connecting on a deeper level?

Flirting and creating attraction is very important, no doubt about it. But it’s also essential to find out about each other by sharing stories and interests, telling secrets, and discovering passions. Seduction is an emotional process.

Forget talking only about the usual things! Open up and get her to open up, too. I like to play a game where we take turns asking unique questions of each other, and get more and more personal each time. Ask about topics such as her fears, embarrassing moments, ambitions, and even sexual desires. Learning and sharing with her lays the foundation to build an authentic connection.

Are you setting up a date on the spot?

Find out something you both enjoy and suggest an awesome adventure. Your goal should be to setup a date and then get her number, not the other way around. This takes care of the back-and-forth texting of coordinating a date later and makes her want to stick to her plans with you.

Your first interaction with a girl should always be escalating. Your flirtation, sexual chemistry and attraction should grow and get more intimate. The same goes for your connection and truly getting to know each other.

I’ve had girls tell me that they can’t believe how close they feel in such a short amount of time – that’s the type of response you want to elicit. That’s why she’s going to pick up the phone and be jumping out of her seat to see you again. And that’s how you stop having girls not text you back or follow through.

  1. Kev on July 3, 2012

    What do you think about texting her right after you’ve left the bar?

    • Nick Notas on July 3, 2012

      A casual text after a strong first impression is always fine. Just keep it light, “Had fun shaking my hips with ya, enjoy the rest of your night :)”

  2. Justin on October 14, 2013

    Hi Nick,

    Great post. I’ve just started opening chicks at bars. One thing I’ve noticed is that even after setting up dates/getting numbers, I still get flakes. In your experience, what is the average “flake rate” when you first start out vs. when you get really good?


  3. Daniel on October 4, 2014

    Hey Nick,
    I got a question, somehow a girl I have been writing with about a week doesn’t respond directly to my messages. The thing is that we had a very good First Impression, but I just don’t quite understand why she almost only responds after a day when i was texting her again. She proposed to Set up plans together for an upcoming weekend. I will See her next week and hope to get her number, I just don’t wann to ask for it over IM. should I simply give her more space?

    Thanks so far, great article! Keep this going! 🙂


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