Being an Introvert Is No Excuse

June 28th, 2012 by Nick Notas 8 Comments

Bruce Wayne Introvert

I see a lot of guys who are afraid to challenge themselves socially using the excuse: “I’m an introvert.” They claim that because of this, they don’t have what it takes to become good at connecting with women. They believe their brains aren’t wired that way and there’s nothing they can do about it.

Here’s something that might shock you…

I’m an introvert! Yes, me, the guy who’s always preaching about pushing yourself to meet new people.

How is that possible? It’s because the real difference between introversion and extraversion is often misunderstood.

Most think that being an introvert automatically means you’re shy and lack confidence. Therefore, an extravert is confident and social. It’s not true at all. While there are correlations, the distinction between the two comes down to:

How you recharge or expend your energy.

Introverts tend to lose energy in large social settings like parties, bars, clubs, and larger groups. They feel drained and to regain that energy they require alone time or intimate interactions. They tend to feel best when with small groups, close friends, or relaxing on their own.

Extraverts tend to lose energy when they’re alone and it can actually frustrate them. Instead, they feel refreshed when they are surrounded by many people and in vibrant environments. All that energy empowers them and gives them the boost they need.

For example, my business partner Thomas and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

When he enters a room, he is everywhere. Always talkative, gregarious, and will be surrounded by every person in the room. I’ve seen him keep that attitude up all night, for multiple nights in a row. I’d go crazy.

I, on the other hand, usually like to focus on making intimate connections, one or two people at a time. Within those I’m not afraid to be loud or playful, but I’m not always the center of the room. And personally, I can’t party every night without needing some serious decompression.

Does that mean one of us is more confident than the other? No. We are both direct, honest, and unafraid to speak our minds. We’re bold when we need to be and engage our audiences. We just enjoy approaching situations differently.

I’m frustrated that the word introvert has become the #1 cop out for men who are just scared. It’s the easiest way to avoid your fears and get people to pity you. It lets you absolve yourself of any responsibility. In reality, you’re just shy, nervous, and socially inexperienced. I know because I’ve used the same excuse way too many times in the past.

The trick to becoming a socially confident introvert is being proactive in a way that’s congruent to your personality. Here are some points I’ve learned over the years:

  • Focus on daytime interactions, events, and meetup groups. They are casual and the interactions are more organic and intimate. Girls’ “defensive shields” are often lowered and you don’t have to be over the top or constantly high energy.
  • Find people to go out with. Clubs are not as fun when I go by myself. Going with a good friend makes the experience that much better. Bringing a girl (or your girlfriend) to dance with at a club is great, too.
  • Challenge yourself regularly. Don’t allow yourself to use the “I’d rather stay in” excuse every time. Set a goal to meet new people once a week and work up from there. Write it down and hold yourself accountable. As you push yourself and socialize more, it gets easier. You become comfortable in these environments and it becomes less draining to spend a night out. That said…
  • Take days off to recharge. No one is saying you have to go socializing 24/7 and in fact, it can be harmful to your personal development. Making yourself repeatedly go out when you don’t want to can reinforce negative feelings and stress you further.
  • Create your optimal environment. It can be overwhelming in busy settings with lots of people around. You should start off approaching a group and then isolating the girl you’re interested in. You can do this by turning your body language and directing a statement or question at her. This will start a personal bubble between you.

    After a few minutes of conversation, you can ask her to grab a drink, get some fresh air, or go somewhere quieter so you can get to know her better. Moving a girl to an area where you can have private discussion will strengthen your connection and allow you to only have to focus on her.

  • Your mood can turn around instantly. Sometimes when you’re feeling shitty, all you need is one amazing interaction. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to head home only to talk to a girl and feel completely rejuvenated. A good conversation can have the same effect as a couple of Red Bulls. Your attitude is often all in your head.

Shyness is fear. Introversion is what it is. You can enjoy your solitude and still build meaningful relationships.

Want to start being more social? Have a free strategy session with me.

  1. Ronald Messier on June 28, 2012

    Nick: I am going to city hall plaza in Boston tomorrow and Saturday to enjoy a few hours of live music. I know while I am there I will see many women. If I see that they are enjoying a s song that I like I can use that to comment on and start a conversation.

    • Nick Notas on June 28, 2012

      For sure Ronald, it’s a good way to break the ice and it’s a commonality you two share. You both went to this event to listen to some great music.

  2. Kev on June 29, 2012

    I’ve never felt very comfortable going up to girls in bars. How do I “focus on daytime interactions”? Where should I go?

    • Nick Notas on June 29, 2012

      Hey Kev,

      Anywhere people are out and about or doing their daily errands are your best bet:

      Coffee shops, supermarkets, malls, parks, public transportation (bus, waiting for the train), book stores, gyms, and even walking down the street.

  3. Wes on July 20, 2012

    REALLY enjoyed this article. Also consider myself an introvert, and this gave me a ton of insight to how I approach my social life.

  4. Zack on November 12, 2012

    Man…wish I had a wing man..

  5. Kaia on January 30, 2014

    I’m a female introvert. It can be just as difficult for us as it is for guys, especially if you believe that your introversion is a handicap, rather than just an excuse. Always improve your confidence and ability to enjoy life and attraction will come as an additional bonus 🙂

    • Nick Notas on February 5, 2014

      Hey Kaia,

      This is so true and something many guys don’t believe. A lot of men think that women are all socially confident, extroverted, and can handle any situation with ease. It’s just not true — we’re all human and experience the same anxieties and emotions.