Are You Lying Your Way to the Friend Zone?
I gave some advice over the phone to a guy who was discouraged and confused. He’d hung out with a girl five times in the last three weeks. He thought everything had been going great until she told him that she had a date lined up with another man the following Wednesday.
He didn’t understand why she was interested in seeing someone else. They had laughed, had fun together, went out for dinner, and he believed she was into him. I dug deeper to figure out what really happened…
Me: “During those times you were together, did she show any signs of interest?”
Him: “Yeah, the first two days she was really touchy and kept getting close to me.”
Me: “And you touched her back, right?”
Him: “Well…no…I thought she was being friendly. I didn’t want to invade her personal space.”
Me: “Okay, but you at least flirted and teased her a little?”
Him: “Not exactly…I didn’t want to come off as creepy or too forward.”
Me: “But do you want to be romantic with her, get intimate, and eventually date her?
Him: “Of course, that’s 100% what I want.”
Me: “Doesn’t it feel shitty to hold back how you feel when you really want to just be with her?
Him: “Yeah, it feels awful man.”
Me: “So don’t you feel you’re lying to her about how you feel and your intentions? And don’t you feel like you’re lying to yourself?”
I don’t know many men who enjoy lying to people they care about. The nicest guys I know are all about chivalry and being truthful to their friends, family, and romantic partners.
However, you don’t have to consciously tell a lie to be dishonest — omitting information or hiding your true feelings is just as bad. The prime example of this is when I see guys who hang around girls they like for weeks, months, and even years while pretending to have no romantic feelings. They act as if they only want friendship and never show how they truly feel.
The problem is that acting this way always backfires and you get treated accordingly — as a friend and nothing more.
So why is being scared to show her how you feel considered lying?
First, by pretending you don’t like her, you are miscommunicating your intentions. She has no idea that you’re actually interested in her. Even if she has an inkling, she’s not going to act on it because she hasn’t seen the signals from you. Why would she take the chance and ruin a friendship when she’s unsure where you stand?
Don’t believe that a girl is going to “come around” and want you just because you’re there — it doesn’t work that way. You’ve got to show her your interest so she can feel it deep down, too. You need to take the lead and put yourself out there.
Second, you’re being dishonest to your own wants and needs by not expressing them. Bottling up your emotions and stifling your natural self is unhealthy. You end up unfulfilled, stressed, and potentially resentful towards her.
Think about it. How frustrating does it feel to sit with her and hold back your real self? How many times have you just wished for something, anything to happen? How terrible is it when she ends up dating someone else? I guarantee it’s not a pleasant experience. That’s your body’s own way of saying, “Stop being someone you’re not!”
The number one reason guys end up in the friend zone is lack of intent. They lie to the girl about how they feel and they lie to themselves. You want to finally get past being “just friends” with her? Start being honest.
Stuck in a situation with a girl? Get unstuck.