How to Change The Lies That Define Your Life
You are whatever you think you are.
Whatever labels you use to define yourself, those are the limitations you face. That’s the only world you’re cultivating for yourself.
“I’m not the confident guy women desire.”
“I’m an introvert and can’t regularly be social with new people.”
“I’m not good enough or attractive enough to do X, Y, and Z.”
These labels control your reality.
They stop you from reaching your potential. They hold you back from creating the fulfilling lifestyle you dream of. They blind you from seeing how capable you really are.
Basically, they stop you from making real change.
I lived for 20 years chained by beliefs like those. I’ve now spent 10 years working with other people imprisoned by their own self-defined labels.
I’m tired of it.
Because EVERY SINGLE TIME these labels are challenged the right way, people start redefining themselves. And then, EVERY TIME these ridiculous labels dissolve. There are no exceptions.
It can’t be a coincidence. It’s statistically impossible.
You have the ability to change your labels and therefore change your reality, too. You just need to know how.
Escaping my former labels
I gave myself a lot of false labels while growing up.
I was a short, weak, chubby nerd. I never played sports in school because I felt there was no point. I told myself, “I’m unathletic.”
Yesterday, I made 9 out of 11 shots from the 3-point line in basketball. I ride my mountain bike on some pretty intense trails. I lift weights regularly and am in great physical shape by all standards for a 30-year-old.
I never finished my degree due to unforeseen family circumstances. I thought, “I’m an uneducated loser. People will never respect me. No one will take me seriously as a professional.”
I now coach leaders in tech, executives, influencers, scholars, doctors and other “career successful” people. Most of them have graduate or doctorate degrees. They almost never ask or care about my credentials because my work speaks for itself.
I don’t say this so you idolize me. And I promise I’m not trying to sell coaching services with this…because NOTHING I’ve done is special. I just want you to see how fake all these labels are.
I’m not unique. I’m not inherently more gifted or better than you. I’ve just found ways to challenge those labels and redefine myself.
You can replicate everything I’ve done and more. I see it every day…
The false labels that imprison you
The most common label I hear from men is:
“I’m not a social, confident, or attractive guy people want to be around.”
Or maybe they do have a lot of romantic experience but it always fizzles out. Women always flake on them and their relationships end before they want them to.
They can’t seem to attract the women they want and must settle for less because they’re not “that guy”.
Their experiences have proven that label to be true. But the second they discover a way to get different or better experiences, those labels change.
At my confidence retreat in Lisbon last month, we went out on our first day to talk to people. Two guys told me upfront, “I’m not in the mood and this feels weird.” and “This isn’t me — I can’t do this.”
They were both introverts who’d never approached a stranger while sober.
I told them there was no pressure and invited them to observe me meeting people with the other guys. One of them even remained silent next me in a conversation with two women.
They started to see how natural and casual it could be and warmed up to the idea. I eventually pulled them into some quick conversations.
Two hours later, those guys had connected with a dozen woman on their own and didn’t want to stop. They were smiling, laughing with strangers, and saying how much fun they were having. I actually had to wrangle them up to get back to our next theory session.
I spoke with one of those guys last week. He told me he’d always believed he didn’t want to connect with new people and they wouldn’t want to connect with him, either.
Since the retreat, he’s been meeting all sorts of new women. He even introduced himself to a woman at the dog park and took her on a date that same afternoon.
Every hardcore introvert and “loner” I’ve met who’s put in effort has found a way to enjoy new social situations.
Change isn’t the impossible feat you think it is
I could give you endless examples of other people I know who have redefined themselves.
- I see men in their 40s/50s who tell me they are too old and washed up. Then they end up easily dating women who are 10 years younger.
- I coached a guy last week in Boston who had ZERO dating experience. By the end of our two-hour session, he’d talked to seven women. Two women gave him their number and replied excitedly when he texted them.
- I worked with a 34-year-old guy who moved to the US from India without any friends nor romantic experience. He would immediately put into practice any advice I gave him. He is now a popular socialite in a major city, hosts awesome events, and has no shortage of women fighting for his attention.
The truth is…
Making a change isn’t as complicated as you think.
I’m not saying it doesn’t take hard work; it requires patience and consistent effort over time. But the actual mechanics to change are straightforward. And there are infinite ways to make the journey easier on yourself and even enjoy the process.
You just have to redefine how you view change itself. There are many things that we invest a lot of our time and effort in that are fun.
It only seems impossible to change your labels because you get stuck in the irrelevant BS in your head. You let your mind feed you lies and self-doubt. Then you make the process unnecessarily difficult for yourself.
The formula for change
Getting better at anything is relatively simple. Let’s imagine a basic formula:
Knowledge + Practice + Experience over time = Change in belief (the label you assign yourself)
You then use some sort of accountability system to follow that formula.
Let’s say you want to become social and develop the ability to connect with almost anyone.
First, you research how other people have accomplished this. You read credible advice and gather ideas to test out.
Then you find small, manageable steps you can take to start practicing in the real world.
You then gain reference experiences from that which show what you’re doing right, where to improve, and build the belief that you can do this.
Even the smallest progress reinforces your potential. You start to feel proud and accomplished for your efforts. Even when things don’t go well, you still internalize that “failure” was temporary and not as big of a deal as you imagined.
You then tweak your approach based on your findings and practice again — this time smarter and with something a bit more challenging.
Soon enough, you build confidence through repeated exposure and develop those new skills. You can’t deny those successes and change your label entirely.
I’m sure you’ve applied this to many things already: earning your school degree, landing a job, learning an instrument, getting good at martial arts, understanding how to fix things in your house, and so much more.
So if you did the same with becoming more social, you could theoretically go from “awkward” to “charismatic”…right?
Why you don’t change
But you don’t change because you never put that ”formula” into practice. You don’t even get started because you’re too busy second-guessing yourself.
You wonder whether or not it’s even possible to change your label. You ask your friends and (and me) for constant reassurance.
You think, “What if I can’t do this?”
Here’s the thing – you CAN. Yes, you! I don’t even know you and I’m telling you that you can drastically improve in just about everything. I have thousands of coaching experiences to prove it.
I’m not trying to convince you that you’re some special snowflake because you’re not. But you can be amazing and proficient in just about anything.
We’re all capable of redefining ourselves. That’s what makes us human — we can adapt.
Then you wonder, “What if I fail or get rejected?”
Good. You probably will! So does every single person undertaking a new endeavor. And you know what? They’re happier for it.
Because it doesn’t actually matter AT ALL. Failure and rejection are critical parts to finding more success. They’re temporary feedback and you can always try again.
They don’t mean ANYTHING about who you are or what you’re worth. Every idol you look up to has faced rejection and failure. Do you see them as failures? Do you think you’ll give two shits about a few awkward conversations when you’re in bed with a gorgeous women you care about?
But then you get stuck on all the years you’ve wasted. You think, “I’ve already lost so much time.”
Well good thing there’s another 20, 30, 40+ years to work on this and get it together!
You also complain, “But everyone else is already good at this and ahead of me.”
Why are you comparing yourself to anyone? Does it even matter if you take slightly longer than other people? Are you racing them? Is anyone else judging how long it takes you to get good at something.
Then that makes you consider, “Okay, but what if I’m not that good?” You hold onto the idea of perfection even though we all make mistakes.
And how good do you really need to be?
Yeah, you won’t be the best at everything but who cares?
Do you need to be the most suave guy ever? Do you have to attract every beautiful woman you talk to? So what if you lose a few opportunities for connection? You can just talk to more people.
There are literally thousands, if not millions of stunning women within a hundred square miles of you. You can only date a handful at any given time.
Maybe now you’re thinking, “This is all good, but I’ve tried in the past and it was too hard. I gave up and feel like shit because of it.”
Oh no, you lost your momentum. Maybe you were lazy. Maybe you tried too much too soon. Maybe you let procrastination or fear get the best of you.
We all have moments like that. We don’t always get something done right away or the first time. But who you are in the past does not dictate who you have to be in the future. The beauty of being human is that you can just make another effort and find different ways to build consistency.
Seeing the matrix
Do you see a pattern here?
To redefine yourself, you must first remove all unnecessary pressure and unattainable standards.
Forgive yourself for all the times you’ve delayed. Forgive yourself for the next time you will inevitably slack off or chicken out. Just try again tomorrow. As long as you’re making some sort of attempt, take as long as you need.
Stop trying to be amazing and perfect. Instead, take the smallest, easiest steps you can.
Try to find ways to be silly and make stuff more fun while learning. Get your friends involved, find support groups, or make a game out of it. If you’re an introvert, you don’t have to go out all the time — take breaks and focus on more intimate social environments. Show up somewhere new and don’t worry about having to talk to someone the first time.
Stop asking questions that have proven to be pointless. Stop questioning if something is possible when millions of other people have already done it. Everyone has self-doubt — this is your mind playing tricks on you.
Instead, you just need to be patient. Find a method to hold yourself accountable to get that necessary real-world practice and experience.
This is how you’ll set yourself free from shame, fear, and self-criticism.
Once you start succeeding even the slightest bit, you will see the magic. You will see all the labels you think you are, peeling off. All of the false beliefs you’ve constructed in your head will crumble.
And all that will be left is a new person. Living in a new reality. Wearing the labels that make you proud.